Parenting advice needed??? Help!

[Wishing on a star]

Okay.... OP,
This is a good one!!!

First, you don't just 'hit them up' with this when they walk in from school.

BTDT with this one!!! ( I like the story about the teen girl who ended up with her mom throwing her clothes in wads on her bed/floor etc...)

Those clothes are not your big battle.
They are not your hill to die on right now....
Remember the old adage, choose your battles carefully!!!

The first step is to sit down with your husband when you both have some calmer uninterupted time, and iron out which chores/battles will be a requirement. Get on the same page... Determine what the CONSEQUENCES will be if you do not see any effort or progress. And stick to that.

Then, at some good point, explain to the boys, with your DH, calmly and directly, that they WILL now be responsible for putting their clothing away.

(Believe me, as a mother of a now teen boy, I just don't think it is a good thing to be going thru their room every day... and they don't need to be waited on hand and foot with their clothing put away, either... Personal responsibility has to start somewhere!!!)

Explain how you will clean all clothes that are placed for you in the laundry, and how the clean clothes will be left at this spot.... And your job is done...

NO discussion...
NO grumbling...
NO undue emotional drama.
DO NOT ENGAGE....

Rome was not built in a day...
Do not have unrealistic expectations here...
Give it some time.
Look for effort and progress... Not a full complete end result.

Get your husband involved....
Have him to help the boys put things away and begin to learn how to keep their clothing and belongings a bit more organized.
Like I said...
BTDT with this, myself.

My husband will now (finally) be the one to join in the discipline and direct our son to "Pick up his dirty laundry and pick up his room".

Recently, my son came out and mentioned that he was going off in the neighborhood, to see a friend, or work on his neighborhood lawn jobs... And all I had to say was... (Lather, Rinse, Repeat... wtihout emotion) Make sure you have fed your body, got cleaned up for the day, and picked up your room/laundry, and your free...)

Have appropriate expectations...
Choose your battles... Start with the basics.. (Respect, Picking up their room/laundry)

You are on the right track, coming here for some good input, and thinking about some other good input/counseling!!!!

Take it one step at a time!!!

 

[Erin1700]

You keep repeating "When you put your clothes away, then you may...watch tv, play outside" whatever they want to do.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, like Erin just said...
Clear direction and consequences, course of action.
Lather, rinse, repeat.

I would however, use the word 'I'... Always a good little difference.

Instead of "When YOU put YOUR clean clothes away...."

Try, "When I see that the laundry that I washed for you is put away..."

 

[lukenick1]

I like the responses so far but at the same time should I have to pay them to do a job they are expected to do? I will try to come up with a different reward than money. Maybe I will offer them to go to Taco Bell I think I am getting the whole idea now of sticking to my guns. I tend to make threats and not follow through. I will make more of an effort to do that. As far as the way older ds treats younger ds...how will I handle that? He is nasty, negative, hateful, physical, etc for anything little thing ds does. He never supports him, only puts him down. I understand siblings have their moments but I really feel like ds10 can't do anything right in ds12's eyes. It makes me sad. One comment ds10 made to me in private one night really pulled at my heart strings. He told me that his heart felt good when he saw his brother clapping for him when he made a basket at his basketball game. That was a rare thing believe me. How sad is that? My ds10 other than being stubborn and ODD is the sweetest most loving little boy who really has compassion for others and adores his brother. I cannot say the same about ds12. He treats us all like dirt

 

[Wishing on a star]

LukeNick, I agree... I am not so sure about the payment/bribe for simple tasks. I would not do that.

And, again, when the older brother is nasty... Make sure that they are separated... Make sure that he is getting negative feedback for his behavior... while the younger brother gets to leave the situation and do something enjoyable/positive.

Again, no drama... no engagement... Just initiate that control that is YOURS....

 

[Wishing on a star]

My ds10 other than being stubborn and ODD is the sweetest most loving little boy who really has compassion for others and adores his brother. I cannot say the same about ds12. He treats us all like dirt

I understand that you are just trying to state the obvious here.
I just wanted to say, be VERY careful this kind of big, general, comparison that favors one boy over the other. You might not realize it, but this kind of thing DOES show. The kids, and others, can pick up on it. This could be one of the things that is contributing to the some of the problems that you are seeing.

PS: If your older son is not the kind that is really going to be supportive and positive... Your younger son will have to pick up on that soon enough, and find his positive support from other sources. Rome wasn't built in a day, and remember, small steps... realistic expectations. Sure, it would make him feel great to see his brother clapping. But, that shouldn't be a 'necessary given' for your younger son.

 

[Wendy31]

I think you've been given some wonderful advice! Consistency & follow-through is key.

I just wanted to add that parenting is extremely hard work! You will make mistakes, &, at night, you have to forgive yourself & realize that tomorrow is a new day. Every morning, you have to remind yourself, "I can do this. Together, as a family, we will do this."

I think our children need to hear the following message from us - "Even though I don't like how you're acting & your behavior is unacceptable, I LOVE YOU. I am for you, & I will always be on your team. This means that I'm going to be consistent w/ you & our home's rules because I want us to succeed as a family AND for you to succeed as an individual. These are my expectations for you, & I know you can do it. I am proud of you, & I LOVE YOU."

Carve out some fun time for your family - make your family a priority. When your children are doing something right, acknowledge them! Leave little notes on their bathroom mirror each morning. Yes, they'll probably think it's totally corny, but, secretly, they'll love it. Tell them what you do like about them.

Help them to realize, in little unspoken ways, that home is not a prison & rules aren't there just because you & your DH like to ruin all their fun but that your home is a place where they are welcome & loved unconditionally & there are rules in place to help the family live peaceably & happily together.

My mom was a yeller & a rager. I won't go into any details, but I still have lingering issues & some bitter feelings toward her. It is nothing that I would ever discuss w/ her, but my relationship w/ her has affected my relationship w/ my own kids. And I'm very resentful.

Anyway, I have to fight w/ myself not to become a yeller to my own children. And, some days, I fail. Miserably.

As mothers, our "voices," our attitudes, are what set the tone for the home, if that makes sense. Yes, it's a lot of responsibility, but that's just the way it is. And it's why, when, after running down the field & scoring the winning touchdown, they look in the camera & say, "Hi, Mom!" ;-)

And I think, first, we have to change our behavior, our attitude, & our responses/reactions before we can start teaching & expecting our children to change their behavior. We have to model the behavior we want to see in our children.

When you are acting in anger & yelling & pulling hair, your sons are learning to react in anger. They are also learning to react physically.

And please don't think I'm jumping on you. I say this because I've been there. I have been a yeller, & I've witnessed that same critical yelling behavior in my kids. I recognized my own "voice" in my kids' voices, & it broke my heart.

Just today, I read the following blog post:

http://http://www.handsfreemama.com/2013/05/22/the-important-thing-about-yelling/

The important thing is... its not too late to stop yelling.

The important thing is... children forgive, especially if they see the person they love trying to change.

The important thing is... no matter what happened yesterday, today is a new day.

Today we can choose a peaceful response.

And in doing so, we can teach our children that peace builds bridges, bridges that can carry us over in times of trouble.

 

[smitch425]

I like the responses so far but at the same time should I have to pay them to do a job they are expected to do? I will try to come up with a different reward than money. Maybe I will offer them to go to Taco Bell I think I am getting the whole idea now of sticking to my guns. I tend to make threats and not follow through. I will make more of an effort to do that. As far as the way older ds treats younger ds...how will I handle that? He is nasty, negative, hateful, physical, etc for anything little thing ds does. He never supports him, only puts him down. I understand siblings have their moments but I really feel like ds10 can't do anything right in ds12's eyes. It makes me sad. One comment ds10 made to me in private one night really pulled at my heart strings. He told me that his heart felt good when he saw his brother clapping for him when he made a basket at his basketball game. That was a rare thing believe me. How sad is that? My ds10 other than being stubborn and ODD is the sweetest most loving little boy who really has compassion for others and adores his brother. I cannot say the same about ds12. He treats us all like dirt

Any reward will be good, but make sure it is something immediate, not "tomorrow we'll do X if you clean your room today". Give them something tangible and let them know that they really helped you out and it makes you feel good.

As for the private moment, DS says things like that about his sister, and sometimes he'll tell me negative feelings he's having. What I do is bring his sister in the room and have him repeat exactly what he just told me so she can hear it. I do the same thing when she tells me something about him. I refuse to be the in-private middle man, but I will most certainly take the role of leading them through their feelings together. We don't talk behind each other's back. We get everything out in the open when there is an issue. All kids battle with their siblings, but it should never be physical. That's why I suggested taekwondo. Sometimes it's good to put your energy into something physical for the right reasons, instead of needing to release it in the wrong way.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I like the responses so far but at the same time should I have to pay them to do a job they are expected to do? I will try to come up with a different reward than money. Maybe I will offer them to go to Taco Bell I think I am getting the whole idea now of sticking to my guns. I tend to make threats and not follow through. I will make more of an effort to do that. As far as the way older ds treats younger ds...how will I handle that? He is nasty, negative, hateful, physical, etc for anything little thing ds does. He never supports him, only puts him down. I understand siblings have their moments but I really feel like ds10 can't do anything right in ds12's eyes. It makes me sad. One comment ds10 made to me in private one night really pulled at my heart strings. He told me that his heart felt good when he saw his brother clapping for him when he made a basket at his basketball game. That was a rare thing believe me. How sad is that? My ds10 other than being stubborn and ODD is the sweetest most loving little boy who really has compassion for others and adores his brother. I cannot say the same about ds12. He treats us all like dirt

I think you need to spend one on one time with your oldest. It sounds like he really resents his brother.

As far as the room cleaning goes, how about you tell them three things they need to do in their room (dirty clothes, floor cleared, bed made, etc) and then you'll all go to Taco Bell to celebrate a clean room.

 

[lukenick1]

My DS12 came home with his progress reports. 2 out of the 6 teachers complained about him talking and being a distraction in class. This is the first time in his whole school career that I have EVER heard a complaint about him in school. I am seriously worried about him I spoke to him about it, he promised to be better. Then he asked to go to a friends house. I told him fine but after he cleans up his room and puts the clothes away. He did it without a fight. Now I worry he will lose the Maximum Honors because of the behavior.......UGH!

 

[luvsJack]

OP, so many times in discussions like this most of the suggestions are about punishment type consequences. Some kids (maybe your ds's, maybe not) respond better to rewards than to punishment.

When my sons were about those ages, we made a chart each week of the behavior we wanted to see. No fighting, clean rooms, no whining, no talking back, etc.

Each day, they had three chances to earn a reward for their behavior. We used tokens for a local game room. The day was divided into thirds and they earned a token if they displayed the behavior. At the end of the week, we took an outing to the arcade to use their tokens. I promise you, it worked great.

After awhile, we cut it down to earning two a day and then one (and longer time between trips to the arcade) and then we did away with the tokens and had weekly rewards of an outing to the park or out to eat or whatever.

It really, really worked. And the best part is that I never had to feel guilty or wonder if it was my mood that was making it all worse.

ETA: Just noticed about what your son brought home from school. Call and make an appointment to see his teachers. You and they need to discuss what is going on with him.

 

[Bob NC]

My DS12 came home with his progress reports. 2 out of the 6 teachers complained about him talking and being a distraction in class. ........... I told him fine but after he cleans up his room and puts the clothes away. He did it without a fight.

He came home with a note that said he was acting up in 30% of his classes then he went to a friends house to play?

 

[smitch425]

He came home with a note that said he was acting up in 20% of his classes then he went to a friends house to play?

No, he came home with a note that said he was acting up in 33.3% of his classes.

 

[Bob NC]

No, he came home with a note that said he was acting up in 33.3% of his classes.

LOL, but who's counting?

 

[doxdogy]

Repeat after me you are the parent and they are the children. They need to know there are consequences for their actions. DD's SIL had no follow through on punishment. Now her kids have no respect for her. However DD and her husband followed through with them. Can't behave in public? Then guess what? We are going home and home they went. The girls learned DD meant what she said.

If they won't put their clothes away? Fine, then dump them on the bed. If they complain, then calmly tell them I needed the laundry baskets.

Only you and your husband can take your sanity back from them. If your son is yelling and screaming, don't engage in the behavior, calmly walk away. If they have no life, then they have no life.

 

[lukenick1]

He came home with a note that said he was acting up in 30% of his classes then he went to a friends house to play?

I don't know the whole story....he claims so and so was talking to him and he answered back and got caught. Honestly this is the very first time he has ever gotten a comment on a progress report. He said he hasn't been talking since the progress report was typed. These were typed by the teachers over a week ago (my friend teaches at his school) and finally came home today. I emailed the teacher so I am giving him the benefit of the doubt until I hear back from the teacher. His grades are all A's. "Choosing my battles" per some of the suggestions....didn't really think it warranted being punished. It was a first offense. Hoping he will change his ways, but kind of worried now.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ohhh good grief....
I guess some people here just can't help themselves.
(lukenick, just be aware... I wouldn't even engage here... Look at the sources of any advice or criticism)

She stated that he had not had an ongoing behavior problem at school.
Doesn't sound like she was requested to go in for a conference.
It is the end of the school year. (school is OUT here...)

She spoke to him about it.

Give her a chance to digest it all, speak with her husband, etc...

 

[lukenick1]

Ohhh good grief....
I guess some people here just can't help themselves.
(lukenick, just be aware... I wouldn't even engage here... Look at the sources of any advice or criticism)

She stated that he had not had an ongoing behavior problem at school.
Doesn't sound like she was requested to go in for a conference.
It is the end of the school year. (school is OUT here...)

She spoke to him about it.

Give her a chance to digest it all, speak with her husband, etc...

Thank you

 

[Mkrop]

He came home with a note that said he was acting up in 30% of his classes then he went to a friends house to play?

This was going to be my question as well...

But she also let him go to a friend's house even though he has been disrespectful, rude and misbehaved up until this point...once again why is he getting to have a life he he is being so awful

 

[lukenick1]

This was going to be my question as well...

But she also let him go to a friend's house even though he has been disrespectful, rude and misbehaved up until this point...once again why is he getting to have a life he he is being so awful

Good grief is right!!! I guess taking his ipod, laptop, and xbox away indefinitely wasn't enough to begin with? I am trying to handle this in baby steps and better the relationship between me and my son.