Parenting a 19 year old in College. Help

[Allison]

I drank far more in high school than I did in college. My mother unaware of it all (although I'm sure she thought it was a possibility) and you seem aware enough that your son does drink.

Me too.

 

[Minnesota!]

Not the OP, but I have two daughters in college and I know so much more about their lives than my Mom every knew about mine. I was talking about this with a friend from HS and she said the same thing about her kids … I don’t know if it’s just girls or what, but they are very open about so many things with their friends and parents. Things I would have NEVER shared. And I really don’t know their college friends in person, but I feel like I know quite a bit about them based on stories I’ve heard and pictures they’ve shared.

It’s not just personal things either … it can be random things about their professors, classes, what was served in the dining hall, etc. I think some of it may be the ease of communication. They can text, send pictures or call anytime and it’s not a big deal. When I was in college, a phone call home was a planned out event that required me to enter a 22 digit calling card number and a picture required a weeks worth of time and two trips to the drugstore - one to drop off the film and another to pick up the pictures.

This is my kid, too, when he remembers he has a mom, ha! He is way too busy most times to stop and talk, but when he does, the stories rush out. I know all about the parties and who is hooking up with who and who is fighting with who. All by his own mouth, not my asking.

Op - i feel for you. Same spot, here. 18 year old is at a tournament in a far, far away state this weekend and then he is flying, solo, to meet up with girlfriend in Florida for the week. He has flown a lot...with us. He is anxious by nature (Hi, I'm the problem, it's me), and his anxiety about "getting the airport part right" has me anxious. I was THISCLOSE to flying to where he is so I could be at the airport for him (and squeeze in some of his tournament), but the last minute cost made me pause, plus...he needs to learn this. He will be in a major city, going to a major city. If there are delays and cancelations, there will be ways to get from A to B. But, watching from here is nerve-wracking. I miss my little boy who needed me.

So, next week when both our boys have conquered, and learned some more independence from their situations, we can both breathe a little easier!

 

[lukenick1]

This is my kid, too, when he remembers he has a mom, ha! He is way too busy most times to stop and talk, but when he does, the stories rush out. I know all about the parties and who is hooking up with who and who is fighting with who. All by his own mouth, not my asking.

Op - i feel for you. Same spot, here. 18 year old is at a tournament in a far, far away state this weekend and then he is flying, solo, to meet up with girlfriend in Florida for the week. He has flown a lot...with us. He is anxious by nature (Hi, I'm the problem, it's me), and his anxiety about "getting the airport part right" has me anxious. I was THISCLOSE to flying to where he is so I could be at the airport for him (and squeeze in some of his tournament), but the last minute cost made me pause, plus...he needs to learn this. He will be in a major city, going to a major city. If there are delays and cancelations, there will be ways to get from A to B. But, watching from here is nerve-wracking. I miss my little boy who needed me.

So, next week when both our boys have conquered, and learned some more independence from their situations, we can both breathe a little easier!

Thank you....only us Moms of boys can relate girls are a different scenario....much more responsible and aware, less impulsive, less reckless etc. IMO boys need a little more hand holding at 19. It's a fact. I am right there with ya! Good luck to you too! My son told me some of his college friends drove over the mexican border from AZ. I was like OMG!!!!! NO WAY!

 

[PezRuth]

Thank you....only us Moms of boys can relate girls are a different scenario....much more responsible and aware, less impulsive, less reckless etc. IMO boys need a little more hand holding at 19. It's a fact. I am right there with ya! Good luck to you too! My son told me some of his college friends drove over the mexican border from AZ. I was like OMG!!!!! NO WAY!

So that is a major generalization there. Girls can be just as reckless and impulsive. Especially if there is something else in the mix like ADHD. With each response, I think more and more that you really need to step back. What is wrong with friends driving over the Mexican border from Arizona. It might not be the safest right now but it also is probably not the end of the world. He is 19 away at college and is an adult and these experiences right now are very important life experiences. My concern is he may stop telling you anything if you keep pushing on these things.

 

[VandVsmama]

A few thoughts to consider:

1. He's 19. Legally an adult for a year now.
2. Because of #1, technically, he doesn't HAVE to do anything you tell him to.
3. It's unreasonable to expect to know and meet all of his travel buddies before every trip/vacation.
4. He's 19, not 16.
5. So remind him to not drink and drive, remind him to be safe, tell him that you love him, and remind him that he can call you any time if he needs help with something. And then be like Elsa and let it go.
6. At some point, your kid has to grow up. You can't bubble wrap them forever.
7. He's vacationing in the US. Not Mexico. Not Antartica. Not outer Mongolia.

 

[amylevan]

He’s 19. Going to Myrtle Beach, not a third world country. Heck, it’s not even Daytona. I’m not sure that Myrtle beach is a hot spring break destination for kids gone wild, but maybe I’m wrong.

I get that food allergies are scary, I live that life every day, but if a 19 year old can’t manage his own by that point, there are bigger issues.

 

[PezRuth]

I also feel like I need to add (and I am not trying to pile on here) but I spent summers on my own living in foreign countries (with host families) starting at age 16. As long as you have installed common sense in him and give him a good background of rational thinking which it sounds like you have, just let him be. I get it I am a mom. It is our job to worry but there is an appropriate level of worry and this right now is too much.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Thank you....only us Moms of boys can relate girls are a different scenario....much more responsible and aware, less impulsive, less reckless etc. IMO boys need a little more hand holding at 19. It's a fact. I am right there with ya! Good luck to you too! My son told me some of his college friends drove over the mexican border from AZ. I was like OMG!!!!! NO WAY!

I think you're losing the thread here. Might want to stop while you're getting behind

 

[DCLMP]

Not the OP, but I have two daughters in college and I know so much more about their lives than my Mom every knew about mine. I was talking about this with a friend from HS and she said the same thing about her kids … I don’t know if it’s just girls or what, but they are very open about so many things with their friends and parents. Things I would have NEVER shared. And I really don’t know their college friends in person, but I feel like I know quite a bit about them based on stories I’ve heard and pictures they’ve shared.

It’s not just personal things either … it can be random things about their professors, classes, what was served in the dining hall, etc. I think some of it may be the ease of communication. They can text, send pictures or call anytime and it’s not a big deal. When I was in college, a phone call home was a planned out event that required me to enter a 22 digit calling card number and a picture required a weeks worth of time and two trips to the drugstore - one to drop off the film and another to pick up the pictures.

It’s definitely the ease of communication. If you text your kid and they dont text back you get worried. I went weeks without communicating with my parents when I was in college.

 

[DCLMP]

So that is a major generalization there. Girls can be just as reckless and impulsive. Especially if there is something else in the mix like ADHD. With each response, I think more and more that you really need to step back. What is wrong with friends driving over the Mexican border from Arizona. It might not be the safest right now but it also is probably not the end of the world. He is 19 away at college and is an adult and these experiences right now are very important life experiences. My concern is he may stop telling you anything if you keep pushing on these things.

The Mexican border towns aren’t safe. Weren’t some kids just killed and held hostage last week.
You can’t stop your adult children from driving over the border, but it wouldnt be something I’d recommend. There are places that you have to be pretty stupid to visit.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

The Mexican border towns aren’t safe. Weren’t some kids just killed and held hostage last week.
You can’t stop your adult children from driving over the border, but it wouldnt be something I’d recommend. There are places that you have to be pretty stupid to visit.

They went to a Do Not Travel state (the highest level).

They weren't kids. They were there to get tummy tucks well one of them at least who was a 33 year old. This was a case of medical tourism which is always something people should be wary about similar to getting BBL and the like out of the country.

In other words not what we're talking about in the least with the OP's concerns.

 

[Southernmiss]

Op, we've recently had a couple of threads on parenting young adults with similar concerns.

I started one. https://www.disboards.com/threads/parenting-and-adult-kids.3909731/

It might be helpful for you to look for those threads for the stories and helpful insights.

I completely get the 'mom worry'.

My thread was about my 24 year old who has 2 older brothers and 1 younger sister. The 24 year old has had a gap year before medical school, ran with the bulls last summer and has tried me more than any kid and any year of parenting.

All kids are different and some give us more gray hair than others.

Hang in there. If you're inclined, pray and lean on your faith.

And know that this too shall pass.

 

[Chili327]

Bad things can happen around the corner... traveling doesn't make it more dangerous to drink, drive, etc.
Gotta let them grow up some time, & these are the things that give kids confidence to do things on their own, & handle situations as grown ups.

 

[PezRuth]

The Mexican border towns aren’t safe. Weren’t some kids just killed and held hostage last week.
You can’t stop your adult children from driving over the border, but it wouldnt be something I’d recommend. There are places that you have to be pretty stupid to visit.

I understand that completely and I also wouldn't recommend it.

 

[DLgal]

The Mexican border towns aren’t safe. Weren’t some kids just killed and held hostage last week.
You can’t stop your adult children from driving over the border, but it wouldnt be something I’d recommend. There are places that you have to be pretty stupid to visit.

There is a big difference in Mexican border towns. That one where the killings/kidnapping happened recently is a place so notorious for violence that even Mexican citizens avoid it.

Driving over the border from San Diego to Tijuana is fairly safe. As is Mexicali, Nogales, and most of Sonora state.

 

[DLgal]

Two of the boys went to high school with him so I asked my friends daughter about these boys and she said they like to party a lot. My son never hung out with them in HS so I never knew them.

Oof, don't do this anymore. You overstepped by doing this. Did you tell your son you were asking around to get intel about his new friends? Yikes.

 

[Colleen27]

Not the OP, but I have two daughters in college and I know so much more about their lives than my Mom every knew about mine. I was talking about this with a friend from HS and she said the same thing about her kids … I don’t know if it’s just girls or what, but they are very open about so many things with their friends and parents. Things I would have NEVER shared. And I really don’t know their college friends in person, but I feel like I know quite a bit about them based on stories I’ve heard and pictures they’ve shared.

It’s not just personal things either … it can be random things about their professors, classes, what was served in the dining hall, etc. I think some of it may be the ease of communication. They can text, send pictures or call anytime and it’s not a big deal. When I was in college, a phone call home was a planned out event that required me to enter a 22 digit calling card number and a picture required a weeks worth of time and two trips to the drugstore - one to drop off the film and another to pick up the pictures.

I think part of it is just ease of communication, but I also think generational differences play a big part. Our kids' generation, for better or worse, has never really known the concept of privacy, so I think they are less guarded with sharing their daily lives with parents (and other family and friends). And as parents, I think millennials are also so used to the constant and instant communication of the digital era that they're more likely to expect/encourage a constant flow of information, even if it is unimportant things like complaints about the dining hall or a picture of a cool mural on the street or even just a meme that made the parent think of the child (or vice versa).

 

[Lilsia]

Mine are 22 and about to turn 21 years old. Over the years, we had discussions with them about consequences of their actions and how doing something stupid can affect the rest of your life. How drinking under age is never worth it when out in public but they were welcome to drink at home. That takes away some of the "mystery" of it. I agree with others that you should sit him down and reiterate how stupid decisions can ruin your life, especially now with social media. My girls also know that they can call us at any time if they are in a situation that they don't want to be in and we will come get them and will never be angry. Having trust and mutual respect goes a long way in your child's willingness to let you help them. That is about all that you can do.

 

[DCLMP]

There is a big difference in Mexican border towns. That one where the killings/kidnapping happened recently is a place so notorious for violence that even Mexican citizens avoid it.

Driving over the border from San Diego to Tijuana is fairly safe. As is Mexicali, Nogales, and most of Sonora state.

I can't see why you'd want to vacation in any of those places. It may be safe for you or I, but kids that age are stupid. They can get themselves into trouble especially when alcohols involved. The Sonora state is listed as a level 3 due to crime and kidnappings.

I'm pretty travel savvy and I wouldn't wander around any of those cities alone at night.

 

[DCLMP]

I understand that completely and I also wouldn't recommend it.

I spent every Summer in Baja as a kid. My parents had a house there and I've seen some things. It's much more dangerous now. If you know what your doing and how to stay out of trouble it's fine, but kids are stupid. It's way safer to go be stupid in Florida.