Parental Questions

[happygirl]

Are you more likely to parenting advice from people with kids or those without kids?

 

[happygirl]

My sister has no kids but she loves to give advice and she always has the kids best interest at heart. However, she really has no idea what kids are like how they act.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I never take parenting advice from those without kids. They have no idea what they are talking about!

My bil drives me nuts..he isn't married, has no kids, never wants kids, but is constantly trying to reprimand my kids when we are at my in-laws.

He never gives DH and I a chance if our kids are in the wrong. Drives me batty!

 

[TwingleMum]

About as quick as I would take Marriage advise from someone who was never married.

 

[Jingle]

Only those with kids. There are some things you can't understand until you've been there.

 

[Tink888]

I'd only take advice from people with kids. I'm sorry, people without kids may have the best intentions but IMO they don't have a clue. Even the advice from parents with kids I'd take with a grain of salt. Every kid is different and what works for one doesn't always work with another.

 

[HelenePA]

With kids only.... I dont care how much you have babysat.. there is NOTHING that can teach/prepare you for this

 

[minkydog]

You're joking, right?

My sister used to be the resident expert on child-rearing because, as she often pointed out, she "had 1500 children." She was a music teacher in two elementary schools. She saw each class a total of 30 minutes once a week. That made her an expert. DSis had a *lot* to say about my older son. He has ADD and learning disabilities and she was sure he just needed a knot in his tail.

Then she had her daughter. O.M.G. This kid is a holy terror. she's also high-functioning autistic, so meltdowns are a daily occurance, lots of weird rituals, crying, shouting. One weekend a few years ago when her daughter had gotten on her last nerve, Dsis called me, crying. She apologized for everything she ever said. Told me she didn't know anything about parenting and asked me for forgiveness for being an idiot.

Of course I forgave her; she's my sister. I have to say, DSis has a much more laid-back attitude and she *NEVER* gives parenting advice now.

 

[Gina]

Looks pretty unanimous. I would be less inclined to take parenting advice from people with no kids for the reason I won't see a male gynecologist. If you don't have the same equipment and experiences, you just can't fully understand what I'm going through, you know?

 

[minkydog]

Looks pretty unanimous. I would be less inclined to take parenting advice from people with no kids for the reason I won't see a male gynecologist. If you don't have the same equipment and experiences, you just can't fully understand what I'm going through, you know?

This reminds me of when we were trying to find out what was wrong with DS14. The doctors were doing every test under the sun and giving us advice to taken to therapy, feed him special things, hold him more, don't hold him, don't expect much, love him while you have him,etc. When we finally got the (rare) results we felt relieved--until the doctors decided that the outcome was bleak and our son would never walk, talk, or have any quality of life. I was devastated--for about a day. Then I came to my senses and realized that my son's syndrome was very rare. None of these doctors had ever even SEEN a kid with tetrasomy 12p, let alone RAISED one.

So I got to my feet, dusted myself off and made it my business to push this kid as hard as he can go. Sure, he's still very affected and his disabilities are severe. But he has a great quality of life and he knows he's loved. I vowed at that time to never let someone else's opinion about one of my children overwhelm my own judgement.

DS14 just swam in the Special Olympics and scored two medals. He can't talk, but he laughed and flapped and walked around in tight circles to express his excitement. You can't help but smile and laugh when you see him clearly enjoying himself. I defy a doctor or anyone else to say to my face that my son doesn't have a good life. In fact, our doctors no longer make predictions--he's defeated them all and is now in uncharted territory.

 

[themilesfamily]

From parents I tend to get a lot of useful tips more so than advice -- i.e. here's how we structure naptime, here's a healthy snack our kids like, here's how we keep our play area organized, etc.

From non-parents I tend to get more theoretical "this is how it should be done" advice.

An example: I signed my DD and I up for a mommy & me music class. I have a friend with no children who went on and on about what a waste of time and money that was -- my DD age 2 at the time wouldn't truly learn any musical skills. Had she been a parent, she would understand that getting mommy & child out of the house from time to time is a GOOD thing. I wasn't trying to create a musical prodigy -- I just wanted some cuddle time with my daughter and to sing some songs together.

Just silly stuff like that.

ETA: It probably has more to do with the personality of the person giving advice than whether they have children or not! Some people are just tactless -- having kids or not isn't really the issue.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I don't have kids but I was a nanny for 5 years. Most of the time I was there three to four days out of seven overnight. The rest of the time I was there 12 hours a day. I wasn't mom. (But was called mom often enough!)

I never give advice unless asked, or if I'm making a joke. No one will take me seriously because I don't have kids.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Good quality parenting advice can come from those who are parents and those who are not. I have gotten great advice from both camps and terrible advice from both camps. I look at the advice and think about if it applies to me and my kids rather than looking at who the advisor is (unless it is something like medical advice and then yes I think if the advisor has medical training or not, etc.).

I honestly think it is very rude to automatically discount someone's perspective on child rearing because they do not have children. I also think it is very rude to assume you know everything about raising children if you do not have them (or even if you do have children). Both of extremes are just that--extreme views wich aren't helpful to anyone.

Seems to me the most useful advice I get comes from somone who can really relate to the types of kids I have (and the types of parents DH and I are) and our specific situations. Often that is another partent who has dealt with a similar situation with a child of similar temperment. Often it is not. It miht be someone who has dealt with an issue when THEY were a child. Or, someone who works with children and has seen what works for other parents, etc.

An example of a non parent giving great advice is my sister in law:
DSiL has no children. Her personality is much like my DD12's. DSiL can often give me invaluable insight into what is going on in DD's head because DSiL was thinking the same way and acting the same way herself at that age.

 

[kellyg403]

I listen to advice from anyone, but I use the advice mostly from parents. Now that I have teenagers, I have narrowed it down to advice from parents who have the same parenting style. Leaves me pretty clueless on some days since it seems that 75% of my teens friends have parents who are trying to be 16 again. I struggle with that a lot. I don't think its o.k. to just let the kids wander around with no idea where/what they are doing. Just not in me to not worry about their safety. I get a bit of crap from other parents who make it seem like a chore if I tell my dd that the parent has to call me to make sure there will be a parent available.

Kelly

 

[NMAmy]

I will take advice from anyone with good ideas. However, I will not take thinly veiled criticism from anyone who hasn't actually raised a child to the same age that my child is.

I have a relative who only has small children that likes to tell me what I've done wrong in raising my teenager. I did laugh at Christmas when my mother (who is very stingy with praise but got pretty irritated by this person), told this person to come back and talk to me once their dd's were teens and that sometimes you choose the battles you want to fight. For example, an 18 yo that gets their lip pierced with money from their own job is NOT a fight I want to participate in.

 

[Boxley]

That is how my uncle was, he would give so much advice and berate all of the kids. Now, his wife is pregnant and he is totally clueless!

 

[MushyMushy]

I've tended to get the most opinionated advice from people without kids. My uncle was bad for that throughout his life, first giving my parents his words of "wisdom," then me and my sister when we became parents. I've also had a few childless friends dole out the advice too. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's just a chance for them to spout off opinions.

Another thing, with my son I've gotten a ton of opinions and advice on him from people who have no clue about raising kids with behavioral disorders. If I'd done half the things people had advised me to do, I would have lost control of him years ago. I had to learn to take a lot of that type of advice with a grain of salt, nod and smile thanks and move on. Truly, only parents raising kids with behavioral difficulties know those challenges and understand that the usual discipline techniques don't work.

 

[MoniqueU]

I take it from my mom even though she just had me I was a hellion so she puts things in perspective. I also tend to take it from people with kids a few years older then me. I have one friend with kids in college and so it is still fresh in her mind. I have another really, really close friend but her kids are about my age so things are much different now then they were then and memories fade. I take her advice but it is a bit harder to relate to as the issues you deal with now seem so different from when her kids were growing up.

 

[golfgal]

I don't have kids but I was a nanny for 5 years. Most of the time I was there three to four days out of seven overnight. The rest of the time I was there 12 hours a day. I wasn't mom. (But was called mom often enough!)

I never give advice unless asked, or if I'm making a joke. No one will take me seriously because I don't have kids.

Even being a nanny isn't the same as being a parent. You still aren't ultimately responsible for what happens to those kids. You still have the option to walk away from your job and that makes quite a bit of difference. It is the same thing with teachers without kids. Over the years our kids have had teachers either without kids or their kids are not as old as the classes they taught. Once their kids got to be that age and older it was amazing how things changed with them. DS16's first grade teacher is a perfect example. If you asked her she had the worst behaved class ever in the history of the world. If you asked anyone else they were normal first graders . When her boys were that age they were holy terrors .

My sister is really good about giving advice-the same sister that won't let her 7th grader pick out her own clothes, pick out her own food to eat, go downstairs in the morning before mom and dad are out of bed, walk to her friends house alone-all 2 blocks away in a small, safe town. We are just HORRIBLE parents because we let our kids do all of this, nevermind that they are on 8th grade and 11th grade-soon to be in 9th grade and 12th grade .

No, I don't listen to advice from people unless they have a child in a similar situation or have been there, done that because you just don't understand and can't possibly understand no matter how much you think you do.

 

[LoraJ]

I do not have kids and I usually butt out of giving advice. The only thing I may do is add in a perspective not from the parents angle but the kids. I was a kid once, I had parents, and I remember what they did that worked with me ro did not work with me in certain situations. I always give that perspective at that angle "when I was a kid and this happened..."

There was a time I dated a guy who had a kid. And yes I did throw my two cents in now and then. For example, he gave his son a lot of empty threats. "If you don't do _______ you will not be going to the movies. His son did not do whatever it was, but still would get to go to the movies. I gave advice that if he is never going to follow through with a threat, he will continue to act up and ignore whatever the threat is. I told him to make sure he gave a threat that he could follow through with. He started to do it and it worked.

Another example was he was going through a custody battle with the mother. It was a very stressful time. I would hear the dad bad mouthing the mom. I advised him that is something he should not do. As horrible as a woman she was, she was still his mom.


Other than that I do not throw my two cents in unless asked.