Overweight and troubled

[Pea-n-Me]

The infatuation with someone else feels like a smoke screen/escape for your unhappiness. You probably know in your heart it's just a fantasy - real life with anyone is imperfect.

Your self esteem sounds very low. In order to get healthier on the outside, you need to get healthier on the inside. Then the outside will follow.

If you can't afford counseling, please seek out a sliding scale or low cost center in your area. You need to figure out what led to your feeling this way and how you can work your way out of it. In the meantime, as others have said, begin to make small changes that will help you get healthier. Just remember that true health involves both the mind and the body.

Good luck in your quest. As hard as it seems, look around and you can find people who've made the changes you want to make. Maybe it would be helpful to read some of their stories for inspiration.

** I went to find a link for you to read and for some reason, Carnie Wilson came to mind. She successfully lost 150 lbs years ago via gastric bypass (not that I think you should go that route) and I thought she'd kept it off. But lo and behold, Carnie's still struggling. http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20343531,00.html And actually, seeing people like Oprah's struggles with weight fluctuations highlight the fact that it definitely ain't easy getting it off and keeping it off. Hmm, let's see - who has lost a ton of weight and succesfully kept it off. I'm drawing a blank right now...

 

[Planogirl]

I agree that it's best to break everything down into small increments and that is true whether you think about how much weight to lose or what to give up or anything else to make things better. Experiment a bit and see what kind of lifestyle works for you because we're all different and you want to find something you can live with.

You are definitely not alone. Far from it.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Just a

 

[LovetheMouse12302]

I totally understand what you are going through. I hit my rock bottom this past spring. We visited WDW and it hurt so bad to just walk. Though we spent alot of time in the parks, we also just sat in the room because my body didn't want to go walk anymore. When we came home and I watched myself huff and puff in the videos we taped and I was huge in the pictures! I didn't have much self esteem anyways but that hurt. Then the following week I had a doctors appointment and I seen the numbers on the scale, I vowed to lose the weight. Since then I've lost 45 pounds. I eat in moderation and exercise. During the summer I walked daily and my son either rode in his wagon or on his bike, so we were still spending time together. This winter I have been playing Just Dance on the Wii. We all play it as a family, dh included! My self esteem has drastically increased. Now people are asking me how I did it instead of me asking them. I still have weight to lose, I'm taking those baby steps, and I hope to be at my goal weight by next September. Just remember the first few weeks are the hardest. Once you get past that I found everything just became routine. You can do it!!!!

 

[mefordis]

Great going! You should be proud!! How old was your daughter when you lost the weight? VEry inspiring!

I know exactly how you feel. June of 2009 I realized I was over 100pds overweight and my marriage was over.

I had an epiphany.....thought surgery was my only option...that scared me.
I've lost 105 pds.......this yr I put back 35 pds. I know how you feeel......I am struggling right now to get back on track. My husband and I are separated now......I lost all that weight with no help from him......He only loves thin girls....and I'll never be that...so finally kicked his butt to the curb after I found out he loved someone else....anyhooo......

Girl....there is no secret......Input vs output.
Small changes add up to HUGE results. Dont' think about losing 200pds....geez talk about overwhelming. Set a 50pd goal....and go from there.

I promise you will feel so much better after losing 10pds. The "bloat" will be gone and you will feel good just knowing you are on the right track doing something good for yourself.
Watch the biggest loser....great motivation.

Cut out sugary drinks......do some exersize every day. Small meals more often. IMO....exersize is essential.....If you have access to a pool....that would be great.

You can do it. I thought it was too late and my DD would always have a "fat mom". I can't believe it but she dosent' remember me like that till we see pictures.

Do it for yourself. Every day ask yourself. "What have i done today to make ME proud.
Try to limit carbs....eat more protein....It fills you up more.
YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
1 day at a time......Every time you eat is an opportunity to make a healthy choice....not good vs bad.
When "most" choices are good.....you will see results....
good luck to you and you are not alone
Kerri

 

[lakelandgal70]

I totally agree with others that who say not to focus on the weight loss. Just focus on getting healhier and the rest will fall into place. I have a chronic illness and keeping active keeps me out of a wheelchair. Even on the days I really don't feel like doing anything I try to do a little work around the house. Or even go to the parks. That is a great way to get exercise without really knowing you are. If you know what I mean. Actually the World is a great place to start. If you hubby won't go with you can you go by yourself? Going by yourself is a lot of fun. Heck I would meet up with you if you wanted someone to walk around with ya!

 

[Lucky4me]

I've been in your shoes.
I agree with what people have said here.
Don't try to change all at once, it's too overwhelming.
Take a piece of paper and write down ONE thing you want to do differently. Then do it. Just ONE.

I was forced to start walking a few months ago. Just by having to take a small child to preschool. It was quite a hike from the parking lot to the classroom. I counted the steps- 300! Back to the car, another 300. It killed me the first week believe it or not. Twice a day added up to 1200 a day times five days a week-it was a start!
When I was able to do that easily, I added in a walk around the block three times a week. When they became easier, added another mile and a couple more days
Just by doing that one small thing, I've lost 17 pounds. No dieting or strenuous exercising. And I feel better!
I'm ready to add something else, not sure what. Maybe cut back on calories, or cut something out I know is bad for me. I have no set goal in mind, just moving more and feeling better.
I noticed once I started doing it, my mood improved, felt better about myself, I was easier to be around and things got better between dh and I.
I was shocked! It wasn't all him, it was me too!

Good luck!

 

[terri01p]

 

[DisneyScraps]

I am not a therapist but I watch a lot of Oprah!

The reason what that little kid said to you hurt, was because you believe it about yourself. We are not hurt by insults that we don't believe about ourselves. If being overweight hurts you then you need to change it. The reason I say that is we just get once chance at ever day and to go through life in pain when you can do something about it. It's not fair to yourself.

I would say start with counseling. There are other issues in your life besides weight. Which came first the chicken or the egg? Are you in a bad marriage because of how you feel about yourself or are you overweight because how you feel about the marriage? Doesn't matter, they are feeding off each other. The fact that you are overweight won't be solved with just a diet. You need a lifestyle change and part of that it figuring out why you eat? It's for comfort, pleasure, stress and probaly more reasons. Having someone to talk to on a regular basis might help. Someone that shows empathy and understands. I know that money is tight but there are usually mental health clinics that offer free services. You could also cut out some food things that you might be doing that are hurting you and put that money toward counseling. You are worth it.

Replacing bad habits can be very difficult. I am speaking this as a person that lost over 100 pounds. I was in an abusive marriage and I ate my pain. Long story but losing the weight was difficult probably the hardest thing I have ever done, also the most beneficial. I am a different person inside and out because of the changes I made, it wasn't just the weight, it was dropping the terrible relationship, putting my mother at arms length. Those things helped me get healthy.

I never realized how much of an emotional eater I was until I really looked at it.

The advice about changing one thing is good advice. Do you have something you wear that makes you feel good? A pair of shoes or a scarf? Maybe put a little mascara and lip gloss on if you don't wear makeup. Make one small change to make your self feel good. Then make one small change in your diet. Walk around the block, if it's too cold then do a mall walk. The YMCA works on a sliding scale and you should be able to get a membership that you can afford. That would be a great thing to do with your kids. Then make yourself go.

Do this for yourself first but also for your kids. You are a powerful role model and think of what you are teaching them?

It's not easy but you are worth it!

Good luck!

Lisa

 

[mamacatnv]

Lots of great advice here. My only words of advice are, you have to want to lose weight for YOU not for anyone else or any other reason. If you don't do it for you, IMO you will not be successful. If you are ready to take the leap, to sacrifice your bad habits and to learn new ones then go for it, you are in total control of your own destiny.

In the past year I have lost 100#'s - I use a program called Medifast. It is super strict and a bit spendy but I wanted fast results with little to no room for cheating. I blew out my knee and had to have my ACL removed, that was a huge wakeup call for me. Did I want to be able to walk in 5-10 years? If I did then the weight needed to go, end of story, plain and simple. I chose the option to walk. Now I walk, jog and move all over the place. I'm like the energizer bunny.

I am currently a solid size 14 and a Large - sure, in some peoples eyes I am still overweight but I am so much happier where I am and I have also found that I can maintain this weight fairly easily. (My Dr. is thrilled beyond measure) It takes constant attention but its not misery. I have rough days when I just "want" to feed myself. I have learned moderation, above all things moderation is the key. I also have a few triggers that I have just sworn off of - Half N Half in my coffee for example. Nope, I don't go near it. I keep sugar free powdered creamer in my purse, on my desk and on the kitchen counter at all times. I know it seems silly but not giving into the half N half is a huge accomplishment for me.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I am not a marriage counselor or dietian, so please take what I am going to say with a grain of salt.

I don't have 1st hand experience with the issues in your marriage you are talking about it, but I do know from relatives in a similar situation that the language you are using (specifically resentment), is NOT a good thing. Feeling resentment to your spouse will only lead to larger and larger issues. Eventually these feelings will consume you if they haven't already and end your marriage. I would suggest trying marriage counseling. If money is an issue, you can talk with your clergy (if you go to church).

As far as weight goes, the biggest thing is motivation. I know that sounds stupid, but it's true. I lost 90lbs in the course of two years (although put 20lbs of it back on in the past 6 months ). I was able to do it by maintaining a very low calorie (1200) diet and going for a walk every day, along with some extra exercise (Wii Fit, or cardio/strength traning DVDs).

I tried this route a few times before it finally succeeded. It succeeded eventually when I actually starting seeing results and was motivated to keep going. That's the most frustrating thing, though. If you starve yourself and don't lose weight (or actually gain weight), you don't want to continue.

However, the diet thing is something you will probably want to talk to your doctor about.

Originally I was going to suggest focusing on only one problem at a time so you weren't overwhelmed. It is possible that relationship problems, stress, and weight gain are probably related. Maybe if you can get your emotional life in order, it will help with the weight loss.

 

[FireDancer]

I think most diet programs make a terrible mistake by focusing on losing weight immediately. You should learn how to eat in a normal fashion first - before you start the cutting down process.

I'd go a step further and say diets don't work, lifestyle changes do. Diets have beginnings and endings, lifestyle changes are permanent.

What exactly you (general you) change depends on your goals, starting point, and a lot of other factors. For some it means simply eating more whole foods and less processed garbage, for others their diet is good but their lifestyle is too sedentary. For others is is a mental change because food fills rolls it shouldn't, like being a source of comfort as opposed to a source of fuel.

Whatever that lifestyle change needs to be for you OP I think that is the real goal, not the 200 lbs. If you change your lifestyle the weight loss will follow. As others have mentioned come on over to the W.I.S.H. boards, there are a lot of people in the same situation or who were and have overcome it and can give you help or encouragement.

I have no advice on the marriage thing but hope you find and answer.

Good luck on your journey and remember, success is always a choice.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I'd go a step further and say diets don't work, lifestyle changes do. Diets have beginnings and endings, lifestyle changes are permanent.

What exactly you (general you) change depends on your goals, starting point, and a lot of other factors. For some it means simply eating more whole foods and less processed garbage, for others their diet is good but their lifestyle is too sedentary. For others is is a mental change because food fills rolls it shouldn't, like being a source of comfort as opposed to a source of fuel.

Whatever that lifestyle change needs to be for you OP I think that is the real goal, not the 200 lbs. If you change your lifestyle the weight loss will follow. As others have mentioned come on over to the W.I.S.H. boards, there are a lot of people in the same situation or who were and have overcome it and can give you help or encouragement.

I have no advice on the marriage thing but hope you find and answer.

Good luck on your journey and remember, success is always a choice.

Great post!

 

[Jill in Chicago]

First off hugs and more hugs!!! I have been through professional counseling and it works. Keep in mind that the first counselor, or even the second counselor, may not be a good fit. Contact your pastor and find a place that offers reduced cost counseling. No church? Just pick a church and call. If they can't help ask which other church you should call. Call you local hospital as well and find out what they have for free.

Counseling stops the round and round thinking. It makes you act and change, and put thoughts into actions. Talking with friends is great, but usually the thoughts still go around and around.

Counseling is hard work. You WILL feel worse before you feel better. It is during the worse part, that many people quit.

Concentrate on you. Yes you can still be there for your children, and as kind as possible to your husband, but right now it is about YOU! And let me tell you when you start to take care of you the people around you will be pissed. They are used to the focus being on them. Too bad. Deep breath. YOU!

Remember that being overweight just happens to be an issue that people can see. Many others struggle with depression, alcoholism, eating disorders, feelings of loneliness and hopelessness. You just can't see that. People like to focus on those who are overweight because it is so visual. It's like wearing your personal "issues," for everyone to see.

You can work through this. Be open to the idea of medication. It does not have to be forever. Start with something to help you sleep. Sleep deprivation feeds depression. The more depressed you are the more you can't sleep. Vicious cycle. Get the sleep.

Get the toxic people OUT of your life immediately. Do you have a friend who says mean things "for your own good"? OUT. A family member who makes nasty comments? Out. Your life is at stake. Volunteer work that you hate? Stop.

You can do this. You can get your mind healthy. Once that is accomplished you can concentrate on the healthy weight and the other issues.

 

[cm8]

First off hugs and more hugs!!! I have been through professional counseling and it works. Keep in mind that the first counselor, or even the second counselor, may not be a good fit. Contact your pastor and find a place that offers reduced cost counseling. No church? Just pick a church and call. If they can't help ask which other church you should call. Call you local hospital as well and find out what they have for free.

Counseling stops the round and round thinking. It makes you act and change, and put thoughts into actions. Talking with friends is great, but usually the thoughts still go around and around.

Counseling is hard work. You WILL feel worse before you feel better. It is during the worse part, that many people quit.

Concentrate on you. Yes you can still be there for your children, and as kind as possible to your husband, but right now it is about YOU! And let me tell you when you start to take care of you the people around you will be pissed. They are used to the focus being on them. Too bad. Deep breath. YOU!

Remember that being overweight just happens to be an issue that people can see. Many others struggle with depression, alcoholism, eating disorders, feelings of loneliness and hopelessness. You just can't see that. People like to focus on those who are overweight because it is so visual. It's like wearing your personal "issues," for everyone to see.

You can work through this. Be open to the idea of medication. It does not have to be forever. Start with something to help you sleep. Sleep deprivation feeds depression. The more depressed you are the more you can't sleep. Vicious cycle. Get the sleep.

Get the toxic people OUT of your life immediately. Do you have a friend who says mean things "for your own good"? OUT. A family member who makes nasty comments? Out. Your life is at stake. Volunteer work that you hate? Stop.

You can do this. You can get your mind healthy. Once that is accomplished you can concentrate on the healthy weight and the other issues.

 

[kwelch10377]

I'd go a step further and say diets don't work, lifestyle changes do. Diets have beginnings and endings, lifestyle changes are permanent.

What exactly you (general you) change depends on your goals, starting point, and a lot of other factors. For some it means simply eating more whole foods and less processed garbage, for others their diet is good but their lifestyle is too sedentary. For others is is a mental change because food fills rolls it shouldn't, like being a source of comfort as opposed to a source of fuel.

Whatever that lifestyle change needs to be for you OP I think that is the real goal, not the 200 lbs. If you change your lifestyle the weight loss will follow. As others have mentioned come on over to the W.I.S.H. boards, there are a lot of people in the same situation or who were and have overcome it and can give you help or encouragement.

I have no advice on the marriage thing but hope you find and answer.

Good luck on your journey and remember, success is always a choice.

I agree with this as well.

I wouldn't make a ton of changes at once, that may just overwhelm you and cause you to give up.

You mentioned going to WDW for a day in a few weeks. I would go and without your husband. If he asks why then tell him that you want to enjoy yourself and his attitude does not allow you to do that. Start doing more and more things without him and maybe it will get through to him that he needs to change his attitude and if it doesn't at the very least you will have become more independent.

 

[quasar4legs]

Lots of great advice already given so I'll just give you a great big

Quasar

 

[honugirl]

The first thing you have to do is begin to believe in yourself. Tell yourself, I can, instead of I can't. My counselor just told me to get "try" out of my vocabulary. There is no "try" anymore, only do or don't do. Make 1 small change followed by another, then another until you've set your life in motion on the road that you would like to see it go down. Set small goals like, I will walk around the block 3 times this week, then increase that the next week. Good luck.

 

[penn19]

I'm sorry. No real advice to give you, just well wishes. That would have broken my heart. It breaks my heart and it happened to you! One step at a time. And maybe a step or 2 backwards, but then you will move forward. In all aspects of your life, not just the weight loss.

 

[wellesleyprincess]

I went to my dd school to have lunch with her today - she is in the first grade and one of her friends' Mom's was also there. My dd's friend whispered something into my dd's ear which my dd later told me. The friend said "Your Mom is Fat and my Mom is skinny". I just responded to my daughter with well that is the truth.

I don't want to contradict what everyone else has said, but I would also point out that this is a first grader (not to marginalize the hurt) who is at a certain developmental stage. One of my bffs teaches first grade and they still spend time talking about big, little, and medium/in between. The reason I say this is it could be the child was trying to show the difference in big and little or just observing differences (okay probably not with that phrasing). The previously mentioned friend had this happen during a lesson. Mrs. I (my friend) is little and Mrs. B (her aide) is big. If you don't mind me asking, how did the other mother react? Did she ask her why she said that?