Overprotected children and lack of coping skills?

[Disney Enthusiast]

Originally posted by auntpolly
And yet that depends, still on the age, the maturity level, the situation etc.

To tell you 17 year old she has to be home from a date by 11:00 is your call -- we all make curfews that we feel comfortable with as parents. But if there's a concert that won't be over until after 11:00, or if for some other reason a daughter that has held up her end of the bargain and obeyed your rules asks for an exception, I think you have to give it serious thought. I think that some truly overprotective parents just don't have any respect for their kids and their kids might not have any in return for them.

I must say I agree w/ what you have said. But the child must earn that privilege as you said by showing he/she respects the rules of the house etc. and by having a good track record. And at 17, one must really begin to give the child more leeway since he/she will probably be on his/her own in the near future at college, and the parent will have little control there.

I followed my parents' guidelines at college. I would go to the frat parties, but I wouldn't drink, and I would call an escort service to walk me home. I would stay out late, but I was picking up my roommates at the bars. I wouldn't drink so as not to put myself in a position where I could not defend myself against an attack. But I was following the guidelines my parents set up for me originally. I respected myself and my parents and followed what I had been taught over the years. And I tried to never leave myself susceptible to something I would regret later. And that came from their teachings.

I just in my heart don't believe a parent should condone drugging and partying at an early age in order to toughen them up for later. I don't think the child learns how to cope, but instead learns how to do anything they want, whenever they want. In this day and age I see so little of people taking responsiblity for themselves and their own actions. I feel my parents' rules and guidelines really set me up to take responsibility for my own actions and to do the right things. Kids do really well w/ discipline, they thrive on it. And they look to their parents for guidance. With no guidance or rules, I believe a child becomes very wild, just as they would w/ over protection.

So going back to what you mentioned, yes I think it does depend on the child. And I think a parent can let go on some rules as the child shows intent on following and respecting the rules you set forth. But it depends on the child and the situation as you said. I was just trying to show that some over protected kids do thrive in this environment.

 

[Lucky4me]

My 3 oldest kids were neither over protected or ran wild as teens. We talked all the time, they confided many things to me, they had rules and reasonable curfews, but they still got into some trouble. My 21yo son recently admitted to me some things that he had done when he was 17. He was a straight A student and the most responsible of all my children, or so I thought. I was so naive.

You do the best you can and hope for the best. Right now all three are working, in college and doing very well. I won't breathe easy till they're 30, married and have a few kids of their own. Then the payback begins.

 

[Disney Enthusiast]

Originally posted by Lucky4me
My 3 oldest kids were neither over protected or ran wild as teens. We talked all the time, they confided many things to me, they had rules and reasonable curfews, but they still got into some trouble. My 21yo son recently admitted to me some things that he had done when he was 17. He was a straight A student and the most responsible of all my children, or so I thought. I was so naive.

You do the best you can and hope for the best. Right now all three are working, in college and doing very well. I won't breathe easy till they're 30, married and have a few kids of their own. Then the payback begins.

ITA. Only I don't think you will rest easy when they are 30 or when they have their kids. You'll then move to worrying about the grand babies. I hear you never stop worrying.

 

[auntpolly]

Brigitte I think we're pretty much on the same page -- I wasn't disagreeing with you so much as making a point that stemmed from something you said.

I don't think I let my DD drink before she's 21 because I wanted to toughen her up -- I just think she's old enough to drink. She knows what I don't like though -- drinking and driving -- big wild house parties with drugs -- stuff that could really get her in trouble. She knows that to keep the privileges she has she has to keep me happy!

The kids who are completely kept from alcohol need to be pretty strong young people when they are suddenly at college. There's a lot of temptation and a lot of freedom for those who are not so independent and get led easily.

 

[Sandy V.]

"The kids who are completely kept from alcohol need to be pretty strong young people when they are suddenly at college. There's a lot of temptation and a lot of freedom for those who are not so independent and get led easily."

Words of wisdom, Aunt Polly. That's what I saw at college. Kids going off the deep end the first time they made a decision on their own.

 

[meandtheguys2]

In retrospect, and I really am just trying to remember, but in college it seems that the majority of the partiers I knew were the kids that had been partying all along. Some of the kids that were new at it stuck out, because they hadn't learned the rules yet, but I didn't see them taking more chances etc.

I think it goes back to what DE said about respect for themselves. Kids that are reared with self-respect...not "self esteem", are kids that make good decisions for themselves.

Michelle

 

[Disney Enthusiast]

Aunt Polly: Yep. That is for sure. There is a ton of temptation at college and parents need to prepare their children to make the right choices because they won't be there to protect them. All you can do is your best and hope your children remember some of the teachings from home.

I wasn't disagreeing w/ you either. I do believe we are on the same page as well. Being a parent is sooooo hard sometimes! Take care!

meandtheguys2: I do believe self respect goes a lonnnnng way with making important decisions in life. If we help our kids respect themselves, I truly believe we would have a lot less headaches.

 

[LScot]

I think it is important to also remember just how hard it would be to be a PK. Everyone watching your every move...
Your parents scared that you will screw up and the congregation seeing it as a bad reflection on the parents.

Gotta be hard and I think PKs get a bad rap and have it tough. I am extra sensitive to my PKs, trying to help them along instead of watching their every move.

My parents weren't overprotective but were strict. I know they meant business. Parent and child relationships have changed a lot since I was a teen. I hope to handle things as my parents did. They did a very good job 3 times!

 

[meandtheguys2]

I think PKs have the eyes of the world on them! My brother was very strict on his kids when they were young. We said they would rebel, yada, yada, yada, but as they grew he gave them a huge amount of privilege and responsibility before they left home.

Needless to say, they are awesome young adults now. Not wild, rebellious, or too shy, or wayward!

I have had to learn a lot and eat a ton of crow since I had my guys!

 

[sharbear]

As the parent of teenager's an overprotective parent is preferrable to those children who I think are being raised by packs of wolves. Some parents seem to think that it is fine to have their own lives without the responsibility of knowing or even thinking of the fact that they have children.

I read an article that said if you don't go to your children's open houses and school activities, then don't expect your children to respect school either. You must show some interest in their school because it shows them that you think that school is important.

I also think that you have to have a balance. My DS 16 has a friend whose mother still calls and makes his plans. It's very wierd but I gently tell her to have her son call mine and they can make plans. Last year just as the kids were going to school it started raining really hard. Even though we live two blocks from school, I drove my DS over to school and dropped him off. This mother parked her car next to the door, got out of the car with her umbrella and opened the BACK door of her van and walked her child to the door. Yes people he was 16 at the time!

Thankfully he is a really nice kid and I know that she will have to send him to college where he will finally be able to act like a normal child.

 

[meandtheguys2]

WOW! There are days when I still want someone to take care of me like that! My boys on the other hand, would DIE!