overly sensitive?

[RadioNate]

Thanks for that. I actually bought that book several months ago during a study we were doing at church where someone recommended it. When I talked to him about it, he said he wasn't going to look at it. I read it anyway. I truly was interested in what his love language was so that I could make sure that I was doing things that meant something to him, but I don't know what he is.

Really? I'm fairly certain based on what you posted he is "words of affirmation." He told you that you don't TELL him enough that you love & appreciate him. I have a "words of affirmation" spouse and it can be exhausting remembering to say thank you & give praise for things like unloading the dishwasher.

What "language" does he project outward to you? I forget them all right now. I'm a "quality time" and I'm constantly nagging for my DH to 'just hang out with me, talk to me, etc etc.'

I think posts 12 and 13 really contradict each other.

as another poster suggested, I think working to better your relationship is a start and that jumping to religious based studies may seem like a punishment. are you both on the same page as far as that goes?

I was wondering the same thing. Not to sound awful but it really seems he isn't on the same page when it comes to religion and spirituality.

 

[bumbershoot]

the question is "What can I do to better accept and appreciate my spouse?" I answered, "I may have to think on that a little. I feel like I accept you and that I appreciate you and I feel like I tell you those things. I will have to think deeper at what I am or am not doing." My husband got quiet and then wouldn't say anything (he also did not answer the question for himself). When I finally got him to tell me what was wrong, he said, "I don't know. Your answer was just defensive." I asked how it was defensive and stated that I needed to know so that I can change what I do. He stated that he doesn't feel that I accept and appreciate him. He stated that even though I tell him that I love him and appreciate him every day when he does something, I don't tell him enough. I got very upset at this statement and started crying. I explained to him that I was sorry that I didn't tell him enough and that I would try to do better. He didn't respond to me at all. I told him that I was bothered by him withdrawing and not talking to me about it. I again said I can't change things I don't know about. He then got angry and started questioning why we were even doing the studies if they were only going to bring up bad stuff and maybe we shouldn't even be doing it.

I think you guys need to have these conversations in front of a GOOD counselor. While communication is good, that conversation spiraled in a way a good counselor would help with. If that conversation had happened in front of our counselor, your response would have been deemed a really positive one (and she would have checked in with you the next week, to see what your thought process was, and what you had come up with), and she would have had some conversation with your husband about his reaction and responses to you, and how they didn't really help with communication. I mean...you tell him all the right things, but not *enough*? OK, so when do you need to hear these things, etc etc etc, get a plan of action, and then check in with everyone in a week or two to see how it's going.

Sometimes...when a couple is having problems, it's best to do these talks ONLY in front of a trusted, neutral counselor who can nip things in the bud and make sure conversations don't spin out of control into snarking "one-up" conversations.

 

[tink1978]

I think posts 12 and 13 really contradict each other.

as another poster suggested, I think working to better your relationship is a start and that jumping to religious based studies may seem like a punishment. are you both on the same page as far as that goes?

I had to look back. I can see how it would appear that way. This is the thing. I found the majority of the DVD's last year, it has been at least 12 months. I happened upon one a few weeks ago. When I asked him about it (not angrily or accusingly), he said that he had rearranged his books a few days ago (which I know he did) and it must have been in there from a long time ago. He said he had no idea it was there. I believed him when he said it, I still believe him. He was truly shocked. As I said in other posts, we are working on this issue and it doesn't come up every day, or even once a week. It did in the beginning (when I first found out).

The conversation that occurred, in my mind, had nothing to do with pornography. It had to do with appreciation. He obviously felt unappreciated (and maybe in his mind tied it to the pornography), and I also felt unappreciated.


We are both totally on the same page as religion and studying. We have discussed it and agree. We are both very religious and attend all church services and daily devotions. I know that not everyone will agree with that, but please...no one put us down for our beliefs or what we feel we should do.

 

[tink1978]

Ok, I admit I was a little put off by the complete outlawing of "porn" and the Christian marriage bible studies but then I read this.

That's a problem. I was imagining your DS finding a few Playboys or whatever but you are right...this IS unacceptable.

In addition to a good marriage councilor, I suggest a good addiction therapist for your DH. Self directed Christian marriage bible study isn't going to fix this.

I will also 2nd the love languages book. I mentioned it in another thread and it has helped me understand the different perspectives my DH and I come from.

thank you.....yeah...I don't think it would have been as much as issue if it had just been a Playboy or two. I have been putting off having him go to counseling, bc I know he is ashamed of himself and he is really trying to not become involved in pornography anymore. I believed him when he said he hasn't had any in months. I still believe him. I just don't want those original issues that led to those behaviors to lead to those behaviors again bc they were not addressed. Maybe he would be more open to The Five Love Languages now. I don't know. I still have the book at home.

 

[tink1978]

So, as long as nobody makes waves, everything is ok? That can be said for most marriages. A marriage is more defined by how one deals with the rough spots.

Also, does your husband have the same deep religious beliefs as you do? We had very dear relatives whose marriage broke up as she was deeply religious, he not so much. She insisted everything be religious based and could not nor would not understand his position that he did not want everything in his life based on religion. If he is not as deeply religious as you are (not saying he is or not as we don't know either of you), then I would agree with the others that trying to fix things with a bible course may not be the best solution.

But I agree with the above posters. For your own happiness, in any case, seek professional counseling.

yes...we are both very deeply religious.

 

[Robindianne]

kay...this is long, but....just need a little advice

A few weeks ago, my husband and I had a discussion about doing Bible studies and marriage studies to help improve our marriage. We had this discussion following me finding pornography in the home (pornography has been an issue for him for a long time and I did not know until last year and there are many issues surrounding this). Anyway...we agreed to study together and talk about issues throughout the study to improve our marriage so that we don't avoid discussing things (which I am prone to do).

So, last night...we are doing our study and the question is "What can I do to better accept and appreciate my spouse?" I answered, "I may have to think on that a little. I feel like I accept you and that I appreciate you and I feel like I tell you those things. I will have to think deeper at what I am or am not doing." My husband got quiet and then wouldn't say anything (he also did not answer the question for himself). When I finally got him to tell me what was wrong, he said, "I don't know. Your answer was just defensive." I asked how it was defensive and stated that I needed to know so that I can change what I do. He stated that he doesn't feel that I accept and appreciate him. He stated that even though I tell him that I love him and appreciate him every day when he does something, I don't tell him enough. I got very upset at this statement and started crying. I explained to him that I was sorry that I didn't tell him enough and that I would try to do better. He didn't respond to me at all. I told him that I was bothered by him withdrawing and not talking to me about it. I again said I can't change things I don't know about. He then got angry and started questioning why we were even doing the studies if they were only going to bring up bad stuff and maybe we shouldn't even be doing it.

This upset me more. It made me feel stupid for suggesting to improve our marriage. It made me feel bad for disappointing him in some way. It made me feel that I can't do anything right.

Am I being overly sensitive and selfish about this? Am I being dumb? Am I wrong for what I said or did? I don't know anymore and I think I have processed it to death in my mind...I can't come up with the answer.

OK, I'd go with a really good marriage counselor and, separately for him only, an addiction therapist. But, I'd want to make sure their philosophies match the two of yours. And that their styles match and that you are making progress over time.

 

[tlbwriter]

Thanks for that. I actually bought that book several months ago during a study we were doing at church where someone recommended it. When I talked to him about it, he said he wasn't going to look at it. I read it anyway. I truly was interested in what his love language was so that I could make sure that I was doing things that meant something to him, but I don't know what he is.

Maybe you could bring it up again and tell him that based on the study incident, you realize that you are not communicating your love and appreciation in ways that are obvious to him, and you'd like him to read this book so he can help you understand how to make it more obvious.

 

[tink1978]

Really? I'm fairly certain based on what you posted he is "words of affirmation." He told you that you don't TELL him enough that you love & appreciate him. I have a "words of affirmation" spouse and it can be exhausting remembering to say thank you & give praise for things like unloading the dishwasher.

What "language" does he project outward to you? I forget them all right now. I'm a "quality time" and I'm constantly nagging for my DH to 'just hang out with me, talk to me, etc etc.'



I was wondering the same thing. Not to sound awful but it really seems he isn't on the same page when it comes to religion and spirituality.

I will go back to the book and take another look.

He is very religious (believe it or not) and he struggles with the sin and forgiveness and all that. But, we all do. It's our nature to do things that we know to be wrong or not in our or other's best interests. He has personal demons that he is fighting and he is doing it.

You know....after reading everyone's comments.....I realize that I am being selfish here and not acknowledging the progress he has made with certain things. Other than a few things that really rub me the wrong way, I have a great husband! I will have to thank him for the things he does right! Maybe he needs counseling for his issues, but I am not going to leave him or love him less for them.

 

[Jennasis]

Please try not to be offended by what I am about to say...

You guys don't know what the heck you are doing. It's like trying to perform surgery on yourself. Or like trying to defuse a bomb...you don't know how, and using a "manual" isn't helping.

Forget the bible study. Get a marriage counselor. Someone outside your situation who can look at it objectively. you and your DH are too close to the problem (you guys ARE the problem).

Good luck.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

ashamed of himself
trying to not become involved in pornography anymore
he hasn't had any in months
led to those behaviors to
lead to those behaviors again

Honestly not trying to pick on you, but you may be projecting quite a bit.

This may or may not be the way your husband sees it (not unlike many men and women).

Do you want your husband to stop completely or, as you mentioned in a pp, is "some" ok? This is something you need to define together, with the help of a professional, while at the same time working on your marital issues.

 

[golfgal]

Just an observation, relative or not, but in your signature you list yourself, your SON, then your DH. Is that how it is at home too? Is it possible you are spending more time on being a mom then you are being a wife??

I have to agree, get outside counseling-most churches have professional counselors you can see if you want to keep the religious aspect of the therapy going.

 

[tink1978]

Just an observation, relative or not, but in your signature you list yourself, your SON, then your DH. Is that how it is at home too? Is it possible you are spending more time on being a mom then you are being a wife??

I have to agree, get outside counseling-most churches have professional counselors you can see if you want to keep the religious aspect of the therapy going.

actually no...that is not how it is at home. I had my son prior to getting married and I have been a member here for some time. When I got married, I just added my husband at the end of the signature. Not for some subconscious way of saying my son is more important than my husband. Now that you pointed that out, I will change it.

 

[RadioNate]

Just an observation, relative or not, but in your signature you list yourself, your SON, then your DH. Is that how it is at home too? Is it possible you are spending more time on being a mom then you are being a wife??

I have to agree, get outside counseling-most churches have professional counselors you can see if you want to keep the religious aspect of the therapy going.

I actually just noticed a 7month old DD. Babies take a lot of attention. I know my marriage issues started after the birth of our 2nd child. I also have a large age difference between children. Life turns upside down with a new baby and that could be playing into it.

I also wanted to say that he is going to have to get to the root of the pornography usage before it goes away. He needs to deal with the WHY he needs it so much before it truly becomes a non-issue.

 

[MushyMushy]

Please try not to be offended by what I am about to say...

You guys don't know what the heck you are doing. It's like trying to perform surgery on yourself. Or like trying to defuse a bomb...you don't know how, and using a "manual" isn't helping.

Forget the bible study. Get a marriage counselor. Someone outside your situation who can look at it objectively. you and your DH are too close to the problem (you guys ARE the problem).

Good luck.

I couldn't agree more.

 

[hambirg]

I don't think your problem is really about appreciation. . .it's about understanding.

It is so common for us women to analyze, and then over analyze, and assume what others are thinking. . .sometimes reading a whole lot more into things than what is really there.

The quickest way to get a man to shut down is the dreaded, "we need to talk." Men just aren't good with "talking" about their feelings. They are a whole different animal than we are, and frankly I really think they are MORE sensitive. You need to figure out how to make him FEEL appreciated, understood, etc.

I do think you need counseling. He may dread it, but a good counselor will get you both on the right track. I think the date night, etc advice was a good one. You need to figure out how to reconnect.

As far as the porn, yeah. . .that's a lot of porn. I agree, it becomes a problem when he would rather spend time with his porn than you. But that is usually a sign that he feels disconnected.

I hope you both get back on track where you can both feel loved, understood and appreciated.

One more thing, you said you do most everything. Stop. Men don't equate that with love. They want you to be their partner, not their Mom. I know. . .that's a hard one for me too. I think most women have that problem. But just think about that girl way back when that used to do lots of really nice things for a guy she liked and how he took her for granted and all of her efforts didn't turn into some overwhelming attraction for the guy. We've all known somebody like that or someone who has gone through that.

What he wants right now is understanding and to feel connected to you. . .not just all the nice things you do for him. I think you would like to feel connected again to. good luck.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I see too many heavy things going on here.
Possibly some that have not been mentioned in the thread so far.

OP, I would suggest that you, yourself, seek some counseling.
Something tells me that your DH is not going to actually jump at the opportunity.

Just to mention three things that jump out at me...
Husband - says "I don't get enough affirmation/credit" while he gives none towards wife.
Husband - says "Your 'stupid' because I do/have done nothing wrong" (Okaaaaaay... I am perfect, you are an idiot..)
And, further refuses to look at the Love Language book.
Wife - As one recent post mentions, I do see possible signs that the wife has fallen into Mama/Child dynamic with her husband. Sure, men relish the fact that they have somebody to serve them 'take care of them' and 'take care of everything'. (one hell of an ego boost, huh) But, at the very same time, a man is going to resent having a 'mommie'.

OP, I hope you can work thu some of this.
I agree that these are not small issues, not 'religious' issues, and that some objective, outside, professional input may be very valuable.

 

[NikitaZee]

I don't think your problem is really about appreciation. . .it's about understanding.

It is so common for us women to analyze, and then over analyze, and assume what others are thinking. . .sometimes reading a whole lot more into things than what is really there.

The quickest way to get a man to shut down is the dreaded, "we need to talk." Men just aren't good with "talking" about their feelings. They are a whole different animal than we are, and frankly I really think they are MORE sensitive. You need to figure out how to make him FEEL appreciated, understood, etc.

I do think you need counseling. He may dread it, but a good counselor will get you both on the right track. I think the date night, etc advice was a good one. You need to figure out how to reconnect.

As far as the porn, yeah. . .that's a lot of porn. I agree, it becomes a problem when he would rather spend time with his porn than you. But that is usually a sign that he feels disconnected.

I hope you both get back on track where you can both feel loved, understood and appreciated.

One more thing, you said you do most everything. Stop. Men don't equate that with love. They want you to be their partner, not their Mom. I know. . .that's a hard one for me too. I think most women have that problem. But just think about that girl way back when that used to do lots of really nice things for a guy she liked and how he took her for granted and all of her efforts didn't turn into some overwhelming attraction for the guy. We've all known somebody like that or someone who has gone through that.

What he wants right now is understanding and to feel connected to you. . .not just all the nice things you do for him. I think you would like to feel connected again to. good luck.

I agree with all of this.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Nearly everything I would say has been said already, so I will not repeat. One thing that jumped out at me, that i have not seen others mention, is that twice you use the bolded phrasing below:

thank you.....yeah...I don't think it would have been as much as issue if it had just been a Playboy or two. I have been putting off having him go to counseling, bc I know he is ashamed of himself and he is really trying to not become involved in pornography anymore. I believed him when he said he hasn't had any in months. I still believe him. I just don't want those original issues that led to those behaviors to lead to those behaviors again bc they were not addressed. Maybe he would be more open to The Five Love Languages now. I don't know. I still have the book at home.

This strikes me as odd. I can understand that you may suggest he go to counseling (or that you both go for marriage counseling) but you make it sounds as if him seeking counseling for his addiction is your decision. That seems like an awfully controlling attitude--and I am not sure you even realize you have it. Have you asked him if he feels he has an addiction? Have you let him know that you understand that addictions are not simply choices and you do not love him less because of it? Have you asked him how you can help him overcome the addiction (by going with him for a first meeting with a counselor perhaps? Or leaving him some privacy to deal with it? Or who knows what? )?

Essentially, are you treating him (in your actions, words and tone) as an adult with a medical problem that you may be able to help him cope with or solve or as a child who misbehaved and you are disappointed in?

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Okay - male opinion - forget counseling. Almost never works for men. We don't want to talk about our problems with anyone, especially someone outside our marriage.

Next - nix the extra Bible study for now. Focus on your marriage, but without making it overt. Stop talking about your marriage problems with him and start dating him again. When you connect again, then you can talk about ways that you can improve your relationship.

Your problems sound very minor. Sounds like the porn is under control. You just need to remember why you fell in love. That won't happen by talking.

 

[tigercat]

He is trying to make you guilty for something he knows is his problem. Flame me if you want but that is how I see it. It is a great tactic for someone knowing that they have something to hide. Using porn instead of going to your wife means you don't have the intimacy that is needed for a marriage.
tigercat