overly sensitive?

[Mouse House Mama]

kay...this is long, but....just need a little advice

A few weeks ago, my husband and I had a discussion about doing Bible studies and marriage studies to help improve our marriage. We had this discussion following me finding pornography in the home (pornography has been an issue for him for a long time and I did not know until last year and there are many issues surrounding this). Anyway...we agreed to study together and talk about issues throughout the study to improve our marriage so that we don't avoid discussing things (which I am prone to do).

So, last night...we are doing our study and the question is "What can I do to better accept and appreciate my spouse?" I answered, "I may have to think on that a little. I feel like I accept you and that I appreciate you and I feel like I tell you those things. I will have to think deeper at what I am or am not doing." My husband got quiet and then wouldn't say anything (he also did not answer the question for himself). When I finally got him to tell me what was wrong, he said, "I don't know. Your answer was just defensive." I asked how it was defensive and stated that I needed to know so that I can change what I do. He stated that he doesn't feel that I accept and appreciate him. He stated that even though I tell him that I love him and appreciate him every day when he does something, I don't tell him enough. I got very upset at this statement and started crying. I explained to him that I was sorry that I didn't tell him enough and that I would try to do better. He didn't respond to me at all. I told him that I was bothered by him withdrawing and not talking to me about it. I again said I can't change things I don't know about. He then got angry and started questioning why we were even doing the studies if they were only going to bring up bad stuff and maybe we shouldn't even be doing it.

This upset me more. It made me feel stupid for suggesting to improve our marriage. It made me feel bad for disappointing him in some way. It made me feel that I can't do anything right.

Am I being overly sensitive and selfish about this? Am I being dumb? Am I wrong for what I said or did? I don't know anymore and I think I have processed it to death in my mind...I can't come up with the answer.

I bolded. This is exactly what I think is the problem. YOU don't really think you do anything wrong. You couldn't think of a way to be a better spouse. EVERYONE can be a better spouse/friend/person etc. You basically said that you do think you are doing it all right so that's that. You did say you would think about it but to be honest that is pretty insulting. Is anyone really perfect? Really? You are pretty much implying that your dh is the one who needs to work on himself and you are doing all the right things. That is never correct. Sorry but all people (myself included) can improve themselves.

Another thing is that you keep saying "It made me". Nothing can make you anything. You have to decide to be offended or mad etc. or you can try to see it from another angle and work on it together. I also have to say if you burst into tears whenever he gets mad or irritated I would find it exasperating too. Maybe he is just venting and is annoyed. I don't know, be annoyed back or talk. Stop crying. I am not saying you shouldn't be upset ever but imagine every time you spoke to your husband about something that bothered you he burst into tears. After a while you would roll your eyes and find it annoying. It seems very needy and victim like and not everyone responds to that positively. It also turns it into being all about you. I am sure you are genuinely upset and I am not discounting that but you need to find a different tactic because this isn't working.

As for the porn issue. IMO he is not as religious as you would like to believe if he has/had this extensive collection. Maybe he finds the whole daily devotions etc. to be suffocating and that is why he is using porn as an outlet. It is completely the opposite of what you two allegedly believe in. Just something to think about.
Good luck.

 

[minkydog]

I think this issue is bigger than ya'll can handle at home. I would strongly suggest you find a therapist who has expertise in sexual issues. I'm all for Bible study but this seems to be a really hot topic for you and it needs to be dealt with carefully.

 

[tar heel]

Let me jump on the bandwagon -- COUNSELING!!! Honey, we are seeing things in your posts that you are ignoring or glossing over. Don't do that -- your marriage is at stake. If marriage counseling sounds too scary at this point, then do individual with separate people. If your DH won't go, you go. Your DH won't even read a book (The Five Love Languages) and you think your marriage is good.

See what your insurance covers. You may be able to do a pastoral counselor, someone who is a fully trained counselor but who takes a religious approach. My BIL is one -- he has four degrees including masters in both divinity and counseling.