Our Seemingly Silly Semi-Illogical Four Day Whirlwind Trip

So it had to be Dad. Dad forgot to press one of his buttons and now we’re all going to die. Earlier he was gawking around, not paying attention. Yes, this is all his fault, I’m sure of it.

You are a hoot! TOO FUNNY! This is such a fabulous report - I , too, am laughing out loud. Now that my Christmas magic is fading away I really needed some Disney so I came searching to see if you'd written more. THANK YOU for the laughs. I , too, am as athletic as dryer lint. Which may be why I understand you so well. More, please!!!
 
Funny installment! I'll be sure to think of your description next time I ride Test Track. :laughing: :car:
 
PART 10:


Next stop today is Soarin.’ If we can find it. I don’t know why I have such a mental block about the layout of Epcot even after looking at a map. Lowell navigates us across the park in the direction of The Land as fast as my developing blisters will allow. Everyone loves Soarin’ and I am sure we will be no exception. In fact, I already like it because they encourage you to take off your shoes while you ride, and I could go for that about now. When I see the top of the building and it matches the shape shown on the map, I feel more confident that we are going the right way. But reaching The Land is like viewing a distant mountain range. We walk and walk and it doesn’t seem to get any closer. In fact, I begin to think the distance between Test Track and The Land is inversely correlated to our walking speed. It doesn’t pay to hurry; the faster we walk, the farther away it is. This must be how Lewis & Clark felt. I check my pedometer to see if it is counting in reverse.

We finally reach The Land, and find the attraction on the second floor. There may be a long line by now since we rode Mission Space and Test Track first, while other people headed straight to Soarin.’ We walk briskly through the queue until we catch up with the rear of the line, and I am pleasantly surprised. There isn’t a huge crowd ahead of us and I don’t think we will need to wait very long. The line presses forward and a CM counts off how many will enter the next show. Unfortunately she stops four or five people in front of us. I am disappointed that we have to wait, but that’s because I haven’t spent enough time on the DIS Theme Parks Attractions and Strategies board, and don’t know any better. After we return home I read about the dreaded Foot View Rows and learn that only the front row escapes a view of dangling feet. We are about to score the best seats without knowing how lucky we are.

Months before our trip I watched a TV program that showed how Soarin was designed. The one thing that sticks in my head is that an Imagineer designed the ride operation at home over a weekend. Using an Erector Set. Yes, with a lowly Erector Set he constructed a seating system that rotates riders high up to view a gigantic movie screen. That is fascinating.

Unless you focus on the words Erector Set.

Because then it sounds just a bit disconcerting.

I promise myself I will not think about the ride being designed using a child’s toy while I am 40 feet up in the air. Besides, only the ride concept, the model, was built from an Erector Set, not the ride itself. As far as I know. And if any parts break down, they are replaced with real heavy duty parts. Not pieces from an Erector Set. Right?

Before long, the cast member waves us forward with a smile, and Lowell and I head for our seats. I can hardly wait to take off my sandals and deposit them in the net compartment. Now barefoot, I wiggle my toes happily, not educated enough to pity the poor souls behind me who will get to study my blister collection while soaring over the landscape of California.

Now that I am better informed, I have a plan. Next trip, we should paste funny messages on the soles of our shoes. When we point our toes down people can read the bottoms of our feet for a little extra entertainment. Or better yet, maybe camouflage is the way to go. We can paint our feet and lower legs sky blue with puffy white clouds, and discreetly blend in with the scenery. Walt would approve. Painting ourselves to match the sky is what he would call “plussing an attraction,” which he defined as giving the public a little more than they actually hoped for or expected.

Our seats begin to rotate upward into viewing position and I am relieved that I don’t hear rubber bands humming or a whiney little motor. No whickety whickety whickety sound as we ascend. Lowell and I are midway across the first row of seats so we can’t look down over the sides to see just how high up we are when our seats stop moving. I have heard that looking over the edge makes some people nervous. Even people who do not know the Erector Set story.

Then the landscape of California unfolds around and below us and I forget about everything but the grandeur of the scenery and the feeling of freedom and exhilaration as we fly with the ease and grace of a bird. I understand now why people say they wore a silly grin throughout the ride. I am wearing that grin.

We fly effortlessly over a river and swoop so low I can almost feel icy water splash my toes. We sail over a vast green carpet of dense forests. We pass snow covered mountains and marvel at towering waterfalls. The wind blows gently in our faces as we soar over orange groves and I smell the scent of oranges in the air. We pass over acres and acres of vineyards. We cross a desert, fly along the rocky coastline and watch ocean waves break against the shore. It feels so real. It is a total experience rather than just a ride, and when we approach Disneyland and fireworks spread across the sky, I want to clap with delight. No man-made attraction like Disneyland can compete with the beauty we have seen as we soared over California, but Disney captures the wonder and excitement of so much that is beautiful in life, that it seems an appropriate finale, just the same. Where else can you glimpse the mysteries of space, or life under the seas? Where else can you experience many cultures in far away lands all in one day? Where else can you travel into the past to view times gone by, then step into the future to see wonders yet unknown. Yes, Disney deserves to be part of Soarin.’

It’s time to leave. I fumble inside the net pouch for my sandals while a new group of people pour in to claim our seats. I wish we could ride again, but the people who are already impatiently waiting for me, or taking seats around us while I stuff complaining feet into my shoes, don’t look agreeable to that idea. I give a moment’s thought to saying in a worried tone, “Did you know this ride was made from an Erector Set,” but I doubt that would work anyway, and decide against it. We reluctantly head for the exit.

I’m glad that for our first time we had the best seats with no dangling feet to spoil our view. We had the front seat for Test Track, too, which made the experience more enjoyable. Maybe the Lucky Fourteens’ good fortune isn’t confined to being consistently blessed with good weather wherever we go, maybe it’s about being in the right place at the right time more often than not. I walk out of the theatre still pondering that interesting theory, still high on the pleasure of Soarin, and filled with a happy contentment. If I could develop the ultimate Soarin’ I would make a movie that reached into people’s memories and portrayed the happiest moments of each viewer’s life so they could soar over those scenes, reliving people, places, and experiences. Maybe someday the Imagineers will develop a technology to do just that.

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:wave2: novdisneydreams: Hello again, I'm so glad you are still reading and enjoying my reports, and thanks for confessing that I'm not the only one who is as athletic as dryer lint. In gym I hated "apparatus" most and was afraid I would kill myself on the horse or parallel bars. I always volunteered to be the "spotter." No one ever got hurt with me on guard! :laughing:

:wave2: swankybeth: I still think it would be a riot if Disney ran an animatronic skunk across the track right in front of the test cars. If you think people scream now, imagine! :scared1:

:wave2: TigerKat: I hope you like the Soarin' episode. Thanks for stopping by and giving me some positive feedback. I really appreciate the comments. BTW we have a tiger cat so I love your name!
 
You are just too much! Your "Magic We Pay" segment was hilarious. :rotfl: :lmao:
 
Thanks. I had posted this elsewhere and had a lot of comments and people seemed to really enjoy it. Unfortunately, I haven't had much repsonse to the last couple of segments of my trip report. I guess it's time to take a few weeks off writing and get a life :sad1:
 
I thought I was the only one thinking about the erector set while waiting for Soarin!:rotfl:

We went on it twice, the first time front row - awesome. The second time dangling feet in front of us - not so good.

Can't wait for the rest of your trip report, please don't take a break. You're great at this. I love your "word from our sponsor" segments.:lmao:
 
just read your whole report (so far) straight through and I love it! you are so funny, and your attention to detail is highly impressive! I can't believe all the stuff you remember! Very entertaining, thank you!!
 
popcorn::

Taking notes for my upcomiing whirlwind trip popcorn::
 
I'm the kind of girl that lurks on everyones trip boards, I enjoy them all, however....yours gave me that "I'm in Disney" butterfly feeling in my tummy!! Your a fantastic writer....I have to agree with the OP that said you could be the next "Erma Bombeck"! Can't wait for the next installment!
 
Thanks. I had posted this elsewhere and had a lot of comments and people seemed to really enjoy it. Unfortunately, I haven't had much repsonse to the last couple of segments of my trip report. I guess it's time to take a few weeks off writing and get a life :sad1:

Nope, no time off for you. Keep 'em coming. Still enjoying them.:thumbsup2
 
I've been out for a few........sick as a dog! :guilty:

I'm happy to see that you're still at it, and as witty as ever. Can't help but laugh when I think of the whole Test Track experience with woodchucks thrown in for good measure. :rotfl2: Oh and GOTTA LOVE the "message on the bottom of your feet" idea for Soain'! I'll be back at The World in a few weeks and I'm already thinking about messages to write on the undersides of my feet. Hows about "This Space........For Rent"?!

You're the best! :banana:
 
I'm a bad groupie...somehow I missed your last two installments! I'm so glad you're still updating the trip report. Now, I must go grab my coffee and settle in for another good read. Thanks for keeping us entertained!:surfweb:
 
:wave2: Philadisney: Hey, a new name! Welcome! Thanks for the compliment about all the things I remember and incorporate into my reports. I don't take any notes, so (ssshhhhh! don't tell anyone) occassionally I need to surf over to a couple Disney related websites to double check details. For the most part, though, our experiences are clearly etched in my memory.

:wave2: tubachick: Another new name! Thanks for joining me. You'll be amazed at how many good times you can pack into a short stay at the World.

:wave2: Kissy: What a wonderful compliment to say that my report can give you that I'm at Disney butterflies in the stomach feeling. Wow, you made my day!

:wave2: Maine-iac: You're a slave driver! No time off for me? Well, if you and a few other people truly enjoy my ramblings I'll keep writing. I guess a lot of people were away for the holidays because I wrote a segment or two and found myself on "The Dreaded Page Two" of the trip report board with no responses, which is a fate worse than death when you spend hours writing and fine tuning a segment.

:wave2: disneydonna: You know, I was actually worried about you. I had a feeling you were sick. You're always right there with a kind word after I post something new. I was hoping it was just that you were away for the holidays. I hope you are feeling 100% better. It's miserable being sick over a holiday. As for your Soarin' "message on the feet" idea, I like it:
THIS SPACE . . . FOR RENT. Very clever idea going for the ad rental income. I was thinking of something more (get ready for the bad pun) more pedestrian, for my foot messages such as:

WHAT'S . . . UP?

or

HANGING . . . AROUND.

:wave2: SunKat: I hope my last installments were worthy entertainment to enjoy over a good cup of coffee. Thanks for reading, and stay tuned for my next segment which might best be titled:

Tour of the Mutant Vegetables.
 
:wave2: SunKat: I hope my last installments were worthy entertainment to enjoy over a good cup of coffee. Thanks for reading, and stay tuned for my next segment which might best be titled:

Tour of the Mutant Vegetables.[/QUOTE]

Oh absolutely it was worthy entertainment!:lmao: I love your idea to spice up Test Track. Maybe they need two versions of that ride, just like Mission Space. On the scary version, that's where the little animatronic squirrels and such dart in front of the car. Then there could be a car following close behind, with the driver talking on a cell phone, tailgating etc. The thrill would be to see if they could actually stop in time if the main vehicle stops. OH the suspense!

Uh-oh.....mutant vegetables. You're taking us to The Land pavilion, aren't you?:yay: Can't wait for this next segment!

Thank you for all the work you're putting into this!
 
Yes, I love it! I'm sorry I didn't think of the cell phone idea. Now there's a real true to life road hazard! :rotfl2: And the tailgating hazard would be a good addition, too. Move over, Imagineers, there are some great creative minds on the DIS boards. :banana: :banana: :banana:
 
PART ELEVEN

After Soarin’ we pause for a “Now what?” moment. I am not an obsessive planner. No laminated 3x5 index cards with color coded preprinted schedules for me, thank you very much. That’s not my idea of a vacation. If I want schedules and deadlines I don’t need to fly a thousand miles, I can stay home for that. And get paid. No, we’re here to have fun. My only goal for this morning was to make it through the Big Three Epcot rides and we’ve done that. Lowell looks at me expectantly. He has long since accepted the fact that vacation planning is my domain, and that his job is to carry the camera, relax and have a good time. It’s a family joke that our vacation pictures always feature a first day resort photo with Lowell sprawled out with a TV remote in his hand. Meanwhile, I’m unpacking the suitcases, hanging clothes, and organizing bathroom toiletries while simultaneously memorizing the fire escape route, TV channel list, room service menu, and the complete resort directory. In English, German, French, Spanish and Japanese.

So it’s up to me where we go next, and I scramble to come up with a plan. I remind myself that rides are of secondary importance. Or so we said when we booked this trip. Now, despite the fact that our official objective is to sample goodies at the Food & Wine festival, I’m feeling the lure of rides and shows, and we only have time for a few because we need to check in early at the Wilderness Lodge if we hope to score a room upgrade. Like it or not, we’ll have to budget our time. And I hate budgets. Tough choices must be made. It’s like sitting down at a table with crème brulee, cheesecake, tiramisu, a brownie sundae, and six of your favorite kinds of pie, and having to choose between them.

I really want to catch Turtle Talk early in the day, and the new Nemo ride, too. Both are at The Living Seas next door. If we see Turtle Talk next, it will be great for my pedometer count, but bad for my blister collection, because we haven’t finished here, and we’ll have to come back. The blisters win. We stay put. This turns out to be the right choice, since we find out later that The Living Seas wasn’t open early anyway. Ten demerits for me. I should have known which attractions were open early. The only ones I memorized were Mission Space, Test Track, and Soarin.’

I debate over Living with the Land. We did this one years ago and enjoyed it, and since few people are waiting in line, we decide to go. Now that we own a house with acreage, we sort of have our own “Living with the Land” thing going on, so we can better relate to this ride. We planted a small vineyard, some apple trees and a garden, all of which must be regularly defended from rabbits, woodchucks, fox, deer, and a host of ugly, vicious bugs that apparently believe we planted this stuff so they could have their own 24 hour drive-through. We considered mounting one of those little speaker boxes on a post near the produce, so we could ask, “May I take your order? Would you like a side of carrot greens with that?” but Lowell opted to fence as much as possible instead and deputize our tiger cat, Tornado, who will chase anything that moves and is no larger than ten times his own size.
So I know why Living with the Land appeals to us, but I’m not sure why other people like it enough for it to be a Fast Pass attraction. It’s about as far as you can get from a thrill ride. Worse, it could be considered educational, a term which tends to frighten people. Especially kids. If I were in charge of marketing, I would play up the cool stuff so that kids would really want to go:

This ride features weird mutant vegetables! See lemons the size of bowling balls, watermelons shaped like giant Mickey heads, tomatoes that grow from a tree, plants that thrive in air without dirt - strange, fantastic wonders of nature!

Disney’s insipid description of the ride reads: “Set sail on a voyage of discovery through living laboratories. Cruise through a tropical rain forest, the African desert and the American plains to discover the latest developments in aquaculture and desert farming. Float by an experimental greenhouse and take a fascinating first-hand look at an aqua environment with alligators.”

Snore. Interesting, but there’s nothing exciting here. Unless maybe the alligators. And what is the connection between fruits and vegetables, and alligators? I don’t remember anything about alligators the last time we rode this. A disturbing theory occurs to me. Disney claims that each year more than 30 tons of fruits and vegetables grown at The Land are served in Walt Disney World restaurants. Since this ride is all about maximum productivity and lack of waste, I figure maybe restaurant patrons who didn’t eat all their beets or Brussel sprouts last night are fed to the alligators at the end of the ride.

As we snake through the lanes and get ready to embark on the Tour of the Mutant Vegetables, a Cast Member notices Lowell’s shirt which has a big picture of Tigger bouncing on his tail and says, “That’s a cool shirt. Can you bounce like that?” With no hesitation at all Lowell says, “Sure,” and favors the CM with a creditable performance of Tigger bouncing up and down. I get a good laugh from a 6’2” forty-six year old man bouncing like Tigger. The CM gives us big grin and says, “Have a good time. Enjoy your ride. Row three, please.”

We take our place between the metal rails in the designated row and wait for our turn to board. I’m still thinking about alligators. I notice a suspicious number of empty seats on returning boats. When we finally climb into our barge and sit down, I make sure we are in the middle of our seat, as far from the edges as possible.

I don’t know why, but I love rides where you get into a boat, or a clam shell, or a doom buggy, or whatever, and just ride through an attraction and look at stuff. It doesn’t even have to be cool stuff. I suppose that’s why I like this ride, even though it would be more exciting if we could hit the accelerator and roar off through the canal, leaving a big enough wake behind us to capsize the other barges. But there is no accelerator and we’re linked together like a string of pork sausages, so I have to be content to slowly float through the scenery. To be honest, neither the African desert nor the American Plains make a big impression on me.

Bring on the mutant vegetables!

When we enter the greenhouses I’m all attention. As we drift by, I try to figure how many glasses of lemonade I can make with a nine pound lemon. Hmmmm. Maybe I should appropriate a couple as we go by. Then I could make a batch of bathtub lemonade at the Wilderness Lodge, set up a stand by the pool, and sell lemonade to people who don’t buy Refillable Mugs. But I have second thoughts. Stealing lemons might be grounds for being fed to the alligators.

The tomato tree is pretty cool. So far, it has produced over 20,000 golf ball sized tomatoes. That’s a par five accomplishment, and some serious Titleist tomato sauce.

Despite my dislike of watermelons: detestable overgrown cucumbers masquerading as fruit: Mickey Mouse shaped watermelons look almost cute enough to eat. Since Mickey shaped cucumbers are used in restaurants throughout the World, maybe I’ll uncover some as I perform my usual search and destroy mission weeding them out of my salad.

Lowell shares my aversion to cucumbers. They serve only one useful purpose. When we go to a restaurant with a high Stuffiness Index, an irresistible urge comes over him. After eating 99% of his salad, Lowell recovers the cucumbers he earlier slid under the rim of his plate, places them back on the plate and they become eyes. An errant tidbit of carrot serves as a nose, a limp bit of leftover tomato becomes a smiley face mouth, a couple stray onion slices become ears, and Voila! Salad Man. The object is to see if the waiter/waitress is observant enough to notice this object d’art while picking up our plates, and if so, will he crack a smile, or just walk away with the plate? Most waiters are so intent on the mindless routine of gathering up dirty dishes that they really don’t pay attention to what’s on the plate, even though a grinning vegetable face is pretty tough to miss.

On our last trial of this juvenile prank, the waiter was making small talk with us as he cleared the table and he didn’t notice a thing. The longer he stood with Salad Man in his hand, the harder it was to keep a straight face. Finally Lowell and I both lost it and burst out laughing. The poor waiter couldn’t figure out why we were laughing and thought maybe his pants were unzipped or that he had just said something incredibly stupid. Seeing his confusion and feeling sorry for him, we called his attention to the plate in his hand. He looked down. This time the “picture” registered. All three of us cracked up. Yes, it is juvenile. I admit it. Now you see why I am just a tad worried about taking Lowell to the Grand Floridian for Afternoon Tea. Hopefully he won’t try making something of dubious artistic value out of jam tarts and scones.

We float through the experimental greenhouse area and see plants hanging in the air that live without dirt. Their weird tangle of exposed roots looks bizarre. These can be gown in space stations using a nutrient spray. I’m usually the kiss of death around potted house plants, so maybe this method would work for me. I can rummage through the fridge for containers of indistinguishable leftovers, run them through the blender and create my own nutrient spray.

If you ask me, all these weird shaped and experimental plants and vegetables are fine and dandy, but if Disney wants to do a real service to humanity they ought to work on something really useful like making spinach or beets taste like a Chocolate Mudslide. Once they master that, they should tackle the ultimate food improvement: desserts without calories. Now that would be a breakthrough. You thought Free Dining was popular? Imagine Calorie-Free Dining! They’d book every room five times over. Sign me up for that promotion, baby!

We drift onward to an area where fish are being raised in tanks. Not just alligators. These exhibits will be food for Disney guests. Not the other way around. Whew, I can relax now. Most everything here looks harmless enough, particularly if properly breaded and smeared with tartar sauce.

The sausage link barges finally circle back to our starting point. The crowd waiting to embark has grown exponentially while we were gone and I glance at Lowell’s watch to see what time it is. 9:07. Yep, that would explain it. Our idyllic world has been invaded by the Barbarian Hordes. Fortunately we’ve finished the Big Three rides. As we climb out of our barge, I remember all the fish crammed into those little tanks trying to swim around without bumping into one another.

We’re about to find out what that feels like.
 
Okay, I'm just too tired today. I need some :coffee: At first I read this as your DH was the salad man, as in he was wearing the cucumbers, etc and the waiter didn't notice. LOL! Sounds like you keep each other laughing. Thanks for another great installment!
 












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