Other people "parenting" my kids...

[okeydokey]

I don't consider that discipline, I consider that looking out for their safety and the safety of others and/or property. If you took the cues away and made them sit down and lectured them about how wrong they were then that would be different. Of course if you were the Sunday school teacher and they were in your care until the parent arrived then that would be acceptable.
.

I'm not the teacher, I was waiting for my kids.In this case, they stopped immediately when I told them to. If they had ignored me and continued to wave the cues around, I would have taken them away. No lecture needed.

A couple of months ago my husband had a friend and his two kids over to swim. His two kids were shrieking at each other fighting over a pool toy. The Dad sat there and did nothing while the shrieking was getting worse and worse. I was in the house and kept hearing it through the walls. So I went outside, said "Give me that" and took the toy in the house. No lecture, just a removal of the toy.

 

[Holly]

I think society in general is just to lax. When we are at the bus stop I have to remind my children to stay of the person's property as the other children run rampade on the lawn with the parents watching. It seems what used to be a known rules are now question and rarely enforced.
I think parents in general are concerned about what everyone think of them as opposed to the disservice they are doing to their children. I also think a lot has changed in the way children are disciplined- whether spanking vs non-spanking, or what one might deem appropriate another might say is abuse.

Exactly.

This extends to college aged adult "kids".

I'm on campus several days per week and the language from these kids is filthy. They don't care who's closeby- professors, children, strangers- they curse up a storm.

Why do they think this is ok? I don't care all that much about swearing, but if I ever heard one of my teenage children dropping the F bomb in public with strange adults and children around I'd be furious. Frankly, I don't think they would because I have taken the time to actually talk to my children about respect and appropriate behavior. I don't think everyone does.

I don't know what the deal is. They think they're kids are learning it all in school or from television, I guess.

 

[marcyinPA]

I think that this is one reason our society has taken such a turn for the worse, no one looks out for anyone else any more. When we were young and doing something we were not supposed to be doing, you bet the lady down the street would make us stop AND call our parents and we could catch heck again. Having that extra 'oversight' kept a lot of kids in line. Oh, that and the parents BELIEVED the lady that called vs "my Johnny could NEVER do that".

If my kids are misbehaving when we are not around you bet I would expect someone to step in.

OP, in your second example I would have told the woman that I am trying to teach my child that stealing is not ok and no he can not have the pencil, keeping in mind that a 4 year old doesn't see that as stealing.

I totally totally 100% agree with you!!

 

[luvmy3]

I'm not the teacher, I was waiting for my kids.In this case, they stopped immediately when I told them to. If they had ignored me and continued to wave the cues around, I would have taken them away. No lecture needed.

A couple of months ago my husband had a friend and his two kids over to swim. His two kids were shrieking at each other fighting over a pool toy. The Dad sat there and did nothing while the shrieking was getting worse and worse. I was in the house and kept hearing it through the walls. So I went outside, said "Give me that" and took the toy in the house. No lecture, just a removal of the toy.

See, I think these things are totally acceptable when it comes to reprimanding other people's kids, especially at your own home. There is a difference in the things you have done than a person interfering when the parent is (trying) to discipline their own child like the woman in the OP.

 

[Oh Hia]

Ummmmm, thanks, I think..

Anyone has the right to stop themselves from being actually physically assaulted.... I NEVER said otherwise....

There is a big difference in that, and feeling entitled to 'discipline' another person's child.

If the parent is there... talk to the parent...
If the parent takes no action remove yourself and/or your child from the situation.

If you disagree, then fine... But I think we can do without the personally directed responses and words like 'extrapolate'.

Look, I've been there done that.
Once a younger kid actually jumped my kid from behind, taking him to the floor, and was actually fully on top of my son giving him very forceful noogies.... His mother was nowhere around. I had observed stuff like this from this other kid for a very long time. He couldn't keep his hands to himself and was almost aggressive.

At that time, my son was indeed being assaulted. So, yes, I marched over and said in my best mommy voice "GET OFF HIM..... we need to keep our hands to ourselves"

Of course, later, this kid ran to his mom... the other mother was very indignant, and even though her son was physically on top of my son, "I was intimidating her little snowflake"

If this kid had not been on top of my son, I would have said nothing...
And, even when he WAS on top of my son, I did not really 'discipline'... (again, NOT my place) I just demanded that he get off my son.
If the mother had been there... I would have involved her right then and there....

Am I missing something here? What's wrong with using the word 'extrapolate'?

 

[Magpie]

Am I missing something here? What's wrong with using the word 'extrapolate'?

I like "extrapolate". It's fun to say. EX-tra-PO-laaaate.

I got to use "thwart" in another thread...

 

[Oh Hia]

I like "extrapolate". It's fun to say. EX-tra-PO-laaaate.

I got to use "thwart" in another thread...

Look at you! You go girl !!

 

[pixiechick]

I like "extrapolate". It's fun to say. EX-tra-PO-laaaate.

I got to use "thwart" in another thread...

I'm glad I'm not the only one. I thought there was some meaning I wasn't aware of.

We were at disney once with my brother and his family. My niece was being obnoxious, on heelys, no less. And I corrected her. Neither parent said a word, except to tell me later that I "hurt her feelings". Oh well, I guess she'll get over it. At the very least, she didn't act up the rest of the trip.

 

[cm8]

I've been thinking about this, in light of a certain other thread, and it occurs to me that I've got conflicting opinions on the issue...

Years ago, when my son was four, he had a meltdown at a gymnastics event. As I was trying to drag him off into a corner for a time out, he was screaming and hitting. Suddenly, another parent stepped up and dropped down on her heels to look him right in the eye. "You DO NOT hit your Mother!" she said, wagging her finger at him. "You NEVER hit your Mother!"

My son immediately stopped crying and sat right down on the bench for his time out. And once I got over my initial shock, I thought, "Wow, that was pretty awesome." So I went over, thanked her, and we're very good friends now. And the best part is, my son never tried to hit me again! I think the fact that he'd succeeded in ticking off a complete outsider made more of an impression on him, than anything I could have said.

But there is another kind of help I can definitely do without!

On another occasion when my son was four (it was a rough year), he stole a novelty pencil from a friend's house. I caught him, and made him give it back with an apology. He cried, of course. And what does my friend (a mother herself!) do? She says, "Oh no! It's okay! Don't make him apologize. He can have the pencil."

Well, you know what? Stealing is NOT okay, and no he can't have the pencil!

While that second woman's interference briefly annoyed me, I was grateful for the first, even if (or maybe especially because) it wouldn't have occurred to me at the time to make "hitting Mommy" a big issue.

I don't want to bring up my kids in a vacuum, where I'm stuck with all the responsibility - I want to bring them up as part of a broader society, where they have to get along with all sorts of people, not just me. I don't think I'd do a very good job, all by myself. There are times when I can use the help!

And I'm worried that if they get the attitude, "No one tells me what to do, just my mom!" that eventually they'll decide that, "No one tells me what to do - not even my mom!" And that doesn't bode well for holding down a job, or maintaining a marriage, or any kind of success in life. We all have to deal with authority, every day of our lives.

What's been your experience with other people "parenting" your kids? Has it been good? Bad?

My mother is more like the parent in the first case, she will tell your child to straighten up and fly right with you present and not care what you think. She expects the parent to parent and a child to be a child, but if your children are out of control she will gain control of the situation immediately and then tell you about it. She has made my SIL go back to the stores and return what her children have stolen.

My sil family feels it's okay for children to steal and they should be allowed to walk out of stores with things they did not buy. My mother does not tolerate that and she would go to great lengths to see that you do not enjoy what was not yours to take in the first place. In some ways I am like my mother and therefore I tend to try to correct the issues before they evolve to the point that another parent needs to step in and take control

 

[bumbershoot]

Wellll...I don't mind my brother giving suggestions, even though he has no kids and is happy about it, because he's right almost all of the time. The only thing he's been wrong about is his theory that we should just give DS corn syrup for a whole weekend, let it work through his system, and then he won't have a problem with it anymore. Strangely enough, my brother REFUSES to be the host for this fun-filled weekend. Hmm. I told him that as soon as he is willing to do this with Eamon, we will do it. Of course, I highly doubt Eamon will agree to it, but since my brother will be dealing with it, it's not my problem.

But in the gymnastics meet thing you describe magpie, when DS was doing THAT sort of tantrum, it wasn't a normal tantrum. It was b/c of corn syrup products (only happens when he's had those things...NEVER happens when he hasn't). He had absolutely NO control over himself, was easily frightened (even by himself), and someone saying that to him would have devastated him. and I would have been HIGHLY peeved at someone doing ANYTHING but speaking to ME gently and kindly in those situations.

A woman I know at the Y has 3 rambunctious kids. I personally have seen what they eat, and feel very strongly that at least 2 of her kids have the same problems that DS has with corn syrup products. One day she took her oldest and youngest to goof around in the racquetball court, and the son was NOT having it. We were upstairs while kids were taking ballet, and we heard him screaming for 20 minutes.

When she came up, I didn't screech at him. Instead, I asked if the woman would like a hug. She didn't, but she really appreciated a kind word coming from someone. It's embarrassing as heck to have a child doing that in public, and EXHAUSTING. I don't want to add to someone's distress by getting in their child's face. And I'll have the "have you ever noticed what he eats before these episodes" convo with her later on...

So the occasion that worked well for you and your son would NOT have worked for us.

But my brother can certainly remind me that my kid is getting tired and that there's no reason to not get our food to go and continue our meal at home, when I've forgotten that there is that option while trying to keep a tired kid out so I can have a nice time! He's almost always right!

 

[Jambo82]

My mother is more like the parent in the first case, she will tell your child to straighten up and fly right with you present and not care what you think. She expects the parent to parent and a child to be a child, but if your children are out of control she will gain control of the situation immediately and then tell you about it.

I would not allow that and politely tell her to mind her own affairs. If she continued I would probably just tell my kids not to talk to her.

 

[polkadotsuitcase]

Magpie,

There is one very obvious difference between the two examples that you give.

in the first, the other woman was clearly trying to bolster the actions you were taking as a parent.

In the second, while perhaps well-meaning, this woman was, in reality, undermining the actions that you were taking as a parent.
And, IMHO, that is almost never okay.

I agree that parents can support and help each other...
But, I think people need to be very careful about any comments or actions that undermine the parents. They are YOUR kids.

Agree with this!

I have a very vivid memory of a time when I was about five or six. I'd gone on a little kiddie ride at a community event, and we'd all gotten off and were tumbling out to our parents. Before I got through the gates, a very angry woman grabbed my arm, got right down in my face, and said, "Little girl? Did you hit her!?" and pointed at another little girl.

I was terribly shy as a kid, and a total rule-follower (still am!), so I would never dream of hitting another child. I kind of wrenched my arm away and ran to my mom (I don't know if she didn't see this or what, but she never said anything). To this day, I don't know if either a) I bumped the other girl accidentally, or b) the mom had me confused with another child who'd done the deed, but how pathetic that it's still stuck with me all these years!

My point...um...do I have one? I guess when a stranger "corrects" you, or whatever that was, it seems to make a much greater impact than when it's coming from someone you love and trust. For better or for worse.

 

[Nancyg56]

Extrapolate much? I should be able to tell a child to stop throwing food at me without being chastised by her mother for interfering.

I agree. I will wait for the parent to step in but if that kid is misbehaving in my home or is acting out at me and teh parent ignores that....I stop it. I will not interfere when a parent is correcting a child. I do step in when the behaviors are nto acceptable in my home but the parent chooses to allow them. I don't care where we are, I am not going to let a kid toss food at me. If the Mom likes that behavior she can let the kid have at it with her.

If the parent is there... talk to the parent...
If the parent takes no action remove yourself and/or your child from the situation.

If you disagree, then fine... But I think we can do without the personally directed responses and words like 'extrapolate'.

....

I don't understand why I need to leave or why I must take my DGD away when someone else's kid is misbehaving. We were at a pool in Hampton Beach. My DGD was playing with my DH and there were several other children in the water. 3 of them were not supervised adn they were out of control. The adults were out on the patio. Well I ignored teh behavior for quite a while but the shenanigans were dangerous and my DGD was in teh line of fire. I aasked them to calm down a bit. That sis nto work. I went out and told the adults taht the kids were going to get hurt, they were diving, throwing things, playing chicken near other...The adult went in for a minute and things calmed down for abot 10 minutes. They were going nuts. Then they went to the shower near me and started spraying each other and me. I'm done. Told the little monsters to knock it off and then went to the staff and told them what was going on. I did not feel I needed to punish my DGD for the actions of those children.

If I am disciplining my kid nobody better get involved. It is none of their business. If my children are in your care then of course I expect you to properly reprimand them if needed. As for the OP's first post I would not have been happy with somebody sticking their nose in. She was taking care of it and that Mom imo was out of line. YMMV.

I agree. I would not have thanked that woman for interfering with me. I realize teh woman thought that she was reinforcing the action but in reality she was showing the child that the Mom needed more clout.

 

[DeluxePrincess]

But there is another kind of help I can definitely do without!

On another occasion when my son was four (it was a rough year), he stole a novelty pencil from a friend's house. I caught him, and made him give it back with an apology. He cried, of course. And what does my friend (a mother herself!) do? She says, "Oh no! It's okay! Don't make him apologize. He can have the pencil."

Well, you know what? Stealing is NOT okay, and no he can't have the pencil!

While that second woman's interference briefly annoyed me, I was grateful for the first, even if (or maybe especially because) it wouldn't have occurred to me at the time to make "hitting Mommy" a big issue.

I don't think the friend with the pencil was trying to "interfere" with your parenting. She probably just didn't want the drama and tantrums in her house at the moment and figured it would be easier to just give the boy the pencil. You can refuse the pencil and explain to your son why he can't have it, even though she said he could.

I'm "lucky" in the fact that my kids only seem to be monsters at home. The outside world thinks they're so well-behaved that having a stranger correct them seems unlikely. If it were to happen, I would probably be grateful for someone trying to help me out. I think it's all about the way you do it. If it comes across as, "Shame on you for letting your child do that", I probably would not welcome it.

 

[golfgal]

I don't think the friend with the pencil was trying to "interfere" with your parenting. She probably just didn't want the drama and tantrums in her house at the moment and figured it would be easier to just give the boy the pencil. You can refuse the pencil and explain to your son why he can't have it, even though she said he could.

I'm "lucky" in the fact that my kids only seem to be monsters at home. The outside world thinks they're so well-behaved that having a stranger correct them seems unlikely. If it were to happen, I would probably be grateful for someone trying to help me out. I think it's all about the way you do it. If it comes across as, "Shame on you for letting your child do that", I probably would not welcome it.

Dh and I have always said that our goal with parenting is that our kids behave in public . So far it has worked pretty well.

 

[Acklander]

Dh and I have always said that our goal with parenting is that our kids behave in public . So far it has worked pretty well.

Well, I suspect that's every parents goal - however kids are not robots, and I think they all have their moments.. If it didn't happen with your kids, I'd assume that you just weren't there for it.

 

[golfgal]

Well, I suspect that's every parents goal - however kids are not robots, and I think they all have their moments.. If it didn't happen with your kids, I'd assume that you just weren't there for it.

Wow, snarky enough over a light hearted post

Actually, I don't think this is the goal for a lot of parents-and you can see that in a lot of threads here. There are a lot of parents out there that are more concerned that their kids are popular or the best athlete or the best student then they are with them being nice, well behaved people.

 

[MushyMushy]

Wow, snarky enough over a light hearted post

Actually, I don't think this is the goal for a lot of parents-and you can see that in a lot of threads here. There are a lot of parents out there that are more concerned that their kids are popular or the best athlete or the best student then they are with them being nice, well behaved people.

Yep.

I also know a lot of parents who want their kids to be the toughest so that nobody will mess with them.

 

[disneyjunkie]

I would not allow that and politely tell her to mind her own affairs. If she continued I would probably just tell my kids not to talk to her.

So, would you correct your child's behavior, or just ignore it?

Well, I suspect that's every parents goal - however kids are not robots, and I think they all have their moments.. If it didn't happen with your kids, I'd assume that you just weren't there for it.

Yup, all kids have their moments. Some parents deal with it, others ignore it, or think it's cute.

 

[Magpie]

Yup, all kids have their moments. Some parents deal with it, others ignore it, or think it's cute.

Very true! But "dealing with it" can be a long process. And I try to keep a sense of humour about it (which can lead outsiders sometimes to think I'm dismissing the seriousness of the situation, when I'm not).

My kids had their moments when they were small, and I spent more than one afternoon with my arms wrapped around my son, restraining him while he had a screaming tantrum. Or leaving early from a museum because of a situation like the one where my daughter (in character as a "sheep") BIT my son. I home schooled my daughter for almost 2 years because she was driving her 3rd grade teacher crazy.

But I don't consider any of this a reflection of my parenting. In fact, I think I had to learn extra disciplinary skills, just to properly parent these kids.

And now I've got a 12 and a 14yo, both of whom are pleasant, agreeable people who will do what I tell them to do, without arguing and with a good attitude. The one phrase I keep hearing from other adults is, "They're really nice kids!" in a tone of surprise, like they don't expect teenagers to be nice. This is what I take as success, for the moment. (Knock on wood, we don't hit another rough patch in the next couple years!)