OT Working moms.. tired of hearing about it?

[bumbershoot]

Sounds to me like a question based on the fact that she's a single parent, not that she's a SHE. I'm assuming that the men you work with have wives that care for the children when they are out of town working (or they are a part-time/weekend parent) and it is assumed the other parent will care for the child. Whereas, the OP has no SO at home to care for her child.

I tend to agree with this. They might just be curious, not accusatory.

Still, with that said I can see how being asked that all the time gets real old, real quick, especially when you know that your male counterparts aren't being asked the same question.

I'm sure it does get old, but it's also probably getting old for the men you work with (and/or their wives) to have it just *assumed* that the fort is being held down at home without anyone ever inquiring about that.

I know that your lot is a difficult one...my mom was very much in your shoes. I also know that it's not always peaches and cream being the at home parent, and since my husband travels for work I know that that's not the easiest thing, to be THE person 24/7... And if DH's employers took me for granted I'd flip my lid. They let him come home in between two trips so that we could all attend the summer company picnic (you can't get in without the employee). The CEO actually remembers my name and asked about me when DH saw him the second time, and has thanked me (through DH) for being supportive of hubby's job...and DH's managers have sent email messages that are similar. If they did not, if they took me for granted like his employers two companies ago, it would be very difficult for me.

So if your employers aren't doing things like that for the men you work with, know that it's very likely getting JUST as old for them as the curiousity is for you.

Just to make sure, I'm not comparing hardship here. Just saying it's all hard, in varying and different ways! Sadly my mom died when I was 30, before I met my husband, so I can't ask her how on earth she did it all...before she married her second husband, she worked TONS of jobs. We were latchkey kids, and I was in charge starting at 9 when the string of babysitters just failed repeatedly...it's all hard.

 

[rockundergirl]

Sounds to me like a question based on the fact that she's a single parent, not that she's a SHE. I'm assuming that the men you work with have wives that care for the children when they are out of town working (or they are a part-time/weekend parent) and it is assumed the other parent will care for the child. Whereas, the OP has no SO at home to care for her child. People seem to take offense where there is none.

- I guess the very fact they ask if I'm married is the first insult, and don't bring up rings, because let me tell you .. not even half the men I work with have rings on their fingers when we are on travel... and they don't seem to even get asked about home life.. , yet its one of the first things I'm asked..

We also work FT and have chosen to have an only child.


Sorry you're having this issue. I'm married, but having a similar problem. My husband and I work for the same company and often have to travel or work OT at the same time. We've just been getting by with securing child care options, but are now struggling with accommodating even more travel & OT, as we have no family for 1000 miles. Do you mind if I ask what you do when you're on work travel?

Well when little James learned how to use a can opener, I decided he was old enough to fend for him self a week out of every month... Joking...

I'm very lucky and have a good arrangement with my mother, She lives with me for free and doesn't have to worry about bills and stuff ( my father died a long time ago) and she helps me with my son.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

LOL (read on as I am agreeing with you)....

I am a SAH mom and have used this argument on the Jon and Kate thread.

The argument is ages old--men can do whatever and women must rear the kiddos. If their choices lead to a career similar to a man's in terms of expectations--suddenly it isn't okay and there must be something wrong with you.

Such a double standard.

I don't know what to tell you. Some may be genuinely curious--it would take an amazing support system that facilitates the care of your son when you are not away.

Others are judging you.

The latter can find something else better to do with their time.

Congratulations on the success in your career and I hope hope hope hope--the flack isn't coming from co-workers. I may be inclined to report them to HR (well--I can dream anyway!).

 

[labdogs42]

We also work FT and have chosen to have an only child.

Yeah! I'm not the only one!

Hey! This sounds familiar. My Dh and I stopped at two and get the comments also.

Wow, I thought two kids was the "Ideal" number. I didn't realize parents of two got picked on as well! Good to know! Yet another reason not to have another one. Someone will still think I'm WRONG!

You forgot one...you can't believe the judgmental comments a person gets for NOT having kids.

I can believe it! I have many friends (couples and singles) that are child-free by choice and I have heard the comments that they have endured. I actually feel more solidarity with the child-free people sometimes than fellow parents. Seriously, you wouldn't think having only one kid would be such a big deal, but people feel entitled to say all kinds of ridiculous things to you when you choose to have only one kid (e.g. the obligatory "spoiled" comments, what will you do if seomthing happens to him, etc.). I often feel really disparaged by other parents that have more than one kid (not all parents with more than one kid, just some, not making a blanket statement here). The people without kids seem to understand my decision much better!

 

[crisi]

Wow, I thought two kids was the "Ideal" number. I didn't realize parents of two got picked on as well! Good to know! Yet another reason not to have another one. Someone will still think I'm WRONG!

Well, of course. Either you have one too many, shouldn't have had kids at all (multiplier on intrusive comments to this nature if you work), or "why did you stop at two!" Add impertinent questions if you have two of the same ("Doesn't your husband miss having a boy?").

We have one of each, by which I mean, one of our children is a Korean adoptee and one is a bio child. Not so much now that my son is as tall as I am, but when they were little this lead to questions at the grocery store from complete strangers over what sort of underwear my husband wears.

 

[Tink-aholic]

I'm going to go even further with the double standard and single parenting:

I am on the verge of being a single parent again after almost ten years. Yet it seems that just the term "single parent" doesn't mean the same for men as it does for women.

When I think of a single parent, I think of someone in the day-to-day trenches and has the child most, if not all, of the time. Yet I cannot count the number of men I meet who call themselves "single parents" when they only get their child for two weeks in the summer! To me, that is NOT the same thing.

 

[jemgumby]

LOL (read on as I am agreeing with you)....

I am a SAH mom and have used this argument on the Jon and Kate thread.

The argument is ages old--men can do whatever and women must rear the kiddos. If their choices lead to a career similar to a man's in terms of expectations--suddenly it isn't okay and there must be something wrong with you.

Such a double standard.

I don't know what to tell you. Some may be genuinely curious--it would take an amazing support system that facilitates the care of your son when you are not away.

Others are judging you.

The latter can find something else better to do with their time.

Congratulations on the success in your career and I hope hope hope hope--the flack isn't coming from co-workers. I may be inclined to report them to HR (well--I can dream anyway!).

AMEN!!!

 

[jemgumby]

I'm going to go even further with the double standard and single parenting:

I am on the verge of being a single parent again after almost ten years. Yet it seems that just the term "single parent" doesn't mean the same for men as it does for women.

When I think of a single parent, I think of someone in the day-to-day trenches and has the child most, if not all, of the time. Yet I cannot count the number of men I meet who call themselves "single parents" when they only get their child for two weeks in the summer! To me, that is NOT the same thing.

SO TRUE!!!!! Hugs to you as well.

 

[hambirg]

Well, after 21yrs I am a single mom too. I have been on both sides of the fence. I am soooo not knocking you. But please don't forget that childhood is short and kids grow up way too fast! I still resent my mom for going back to work when I went into first grade. .I went through some really personal hell at that time. Not saying that that is your situation at all. BUT I feel like my mom sold out for family fun, spending money, on the back of my flesh. I've always had a hard time with it. When my oldest was 3 and I was going to school full time and working full time. . .I used to cry every day when I dropped her off at daycare. After me and my ex broke up. . he's really been out of the picture. .. which was a HUGE shock for me considering we had been married for 15+ years. I did what I had to do. But because I had been a SAHM for so long. . .I thoroughly got the chaos that ensued. I just wish for you some serious reflection time. Please don't flame me. I know how hard it is to be raising kids on your own. I really do! But I honestly think that the guilt might be getting to you. Please, PLEASE take a serious look at that. It is one thing to work to pay the bills. . .but it is something else to be absent from your child's childhood to have luxuries that may or may not mean anything to that child. Like I said. . .please don't flame me. . .I've just been there done that and I wish for you the best. . .the fact that you even bothered to ask means that you are having some issues with the way things are. And I totally agree that there is a double standard. . .a Dad that has his kids once a month is such a great Dad. . but the Mom. . eh! But in the end. . what anybody else thinks doesn't amount to a hill of beans. sit down with your child and have a heart to heart though. What they think does count!

ETA_ I just want to be really clear! I support you fully as a single mom doing what you feel is best for your child. And I couldn't agree more that there is a double standard out there. But, judging by your feelings, it might be time to sit down with your child and tell them that other people (aunt Joan or whoever) is making you feel bad about being away for work so much. And ask them what they think. Maybe they are perfectly ok with it. But maybe they really wish you were around more and they are willing to give up some stuff for that to happen. In the end it only comes down to what is best for your child and how they are feeling.

 

[LovableGluttons]

Well, after 21yrs I am a single mom too. I have been on both sides of the fence. I am soooo not knocking you. But please don't forget that childhood is short and kids grow up way too fast! I still resent my mom for going back to work when I went into first grade. .I went through some really personal hell at that time. Not saying that that is your situation at all. BUT I feel like my mom sold out for family fun, spending money, on the back of my flesh. I've always had a hard time with it. When my oldest was 3 and I was going to school full time and working full time. . .I used to cry every day when I dropped her off at daycare. After me and my ex broke up. . he's really been out of the picture. .. which was a HUGE shock for me considering we had been married for 15+ years. I did what I had to do. But because I had been a SAHM for so long. . .I thoroughly got the chaos that ensued. I just wish for you some serious reflection time. Please don't flame me. I know how hard it is to be raising kids on your own. I really do! But I honestly think that the guilt might be getting to you. Please, PLEASE take a serious look at that. It is one thing to work to pay the bills. . .but it is something else to be absent from your child's childhood to have luxuries that may or may not mean anything to that child. Like I said. . .please don't flame me. . .I've just been there done that and I wish for you the best. . .the fact that you even bothered to ask means that you are having some issues with the way things are. And I totally agree that there is a double standard. . .a Dad that has his kids once a month is such a great Dad. . but the Mom. . eh! But in the end. . what anybody else thinks doesn't amount to a hill of beans. sit down with your child and have a heart to heart though. What they think does count!

ETA_ I just want to be really clear! I support you fully as a single mom doing what you feel is best for your child. And I couldn't agree more that there is a double standard out there. But, judging by your feelings, it might be time to sit down with your child and tell them that other people (aunt Joan or whoever) is making you feel bad about being away for work so much. And ask them what they think. Maybe they are perfectly ok with it. But maybe they really wish you were around more and they are willing to give up some stuff for that to happen. In the end it only comes down to what is best for your child and how they are feeling.

I will not flame you. My children have always known that their mother needed to work so sick babies could be saved and so someone could care for ill or injured people in the ER. They also knew people could die or suffer if I didn't.

There is a deep rooted responsibility in me to work to contribute to make the world better. For me also to show my children fiscal responsibility is only a part of why I do what I do. My kids enjoy spending time with me more when the hard driving force inside of me is sated.

 

[jemgumby]

I will not flame you. My children have always known that their mother needed to work so sick babies could be saved and so someone could care for ill or injured people in the ER. They also knew people could die or suffer if I didn't.

There is a deep rooted responsibility in me to work to contribute to make the world better. For me also to show my children fiscal responsibility is only a part of why I do what I do. My kids enjoy spending time with me more when the hard driving force inside of me is sated.

Good for you!

 

[sookie]

all the people who say "well, i'd wonder the same thing..."


WHY is it any of their business?

 

[rockundergirl]

Well, after 21yrs I am a single mom too. I have been on both sides of the fence. I am soooo not knocking you. But please don't forget that childhood is short and kids grow up way too fast! I still resent my mom for going back to work when I went into first grade. .I went through some really personal hell at that time. Not saying that that is your situation at all. BUT I feel like my mom sold out for family fun, spending money, on the back of my flesh. I've always had a hard time with it. When my oldest was 3 and I was going to school full time and working full time. . .I used to cry every day when I dropped her off at daycare. After me and my ex broke up. . he's really been out of the picture. .. which was a HUGE shock for me considering we had been married for 15+ years. I did what I had to do. But because I had been a SAHM for so long. . .I thoroughly got the chaos that ensued. I just wish for you some serious reflection time. Please don't flame me. I know how hard it is to be raising kids on your own. I really do! But I honestly think that the guilt might be getting to you. Please, PLEASE take a serious look at that. It is one thing to work to pay the bills. . .but it is something else to be absent from your child's childhood to have luxuries that may or may not mean anything to that child. Like I said. . .please don't flame me. . .I've just been there done that and I wish for you the best. . .the fact that you even bothered to ask means that you are having some issues with the way things are. And I totally agree that there is a double standard. . .a Dad that has his kids once a month is such a great Dad. . but the Mom. . eh! But in the end. . what anybody else thinks doesn't amount to a hill of beans. sit down with your child and have a heart to heart though. What they think does count!

ETA_ I just want to be really clear! I support you fully as a single mom doing what you feel is best for your child. And I couldn't agree more that there is a double standard out there. But, judging by your feelings, it might be time to sit down with your child and tell them that other people (aunt Joan or whoever) is making you feel bad about being away for work so much. And ask them what they think. Maybe they are perfectly ok with it. But maybe they really wish you were around more and they are willing to give up some stuff for that to happen. In the end it only comes down to what is best for your child and how they are feeling.

I wont flame you at all , you have an opinion and I praise people who think for themselves. Its funny .. the grass is always greener. I resented my mother for so many years because we grew up poor. When my father died she stayed home with me and worked part time. I never had the things the other kids did.. and when I was older (17) I had to work full time while in high school to help her, because she got sick and had no health insurance. No help with college, no health insurance for me etc.. Now she is almost 70, has nothing to retire with and its my job to pay her bills. I love my mother to death... and as an adult now I realize she did the best she could as far as she knew. Also , its so great to have her helping me with my son so I'm not complaining, I'm just saying everything is a matter of perspective...

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

all the people who say "well, i'd wonder the same thing..."


WHY is it any of their business?

Curiosity is a human trait. Some people would wonder. Can't stop them from wondering.

Now if they are asking in a tacky manner....manners should have taught them better.

As for me--I stay home with four children and homeschool them and often I do wonder how I could have done it as I see so man others do it.

Heck--I was about to apply for a job at Target last week (on-line) and completely forgot the care of my young infant. Now--yes, I do know how to work with an infant--but it totally escaped my brain and I decided to hold off. But I am itching to get back to work to do something to get a paycheck in my name while still be a SAH mom--but my husband asking me...what about when I am out of town--gave me pause.

We are in a new area--and while it is nice to work--spending an entire paycheck for one afternoon of sitting so that I can have that privilege...I don't want to work that bad where it costs me money. I Would rather volunteer instead.

Sometimes--fellow moms just want advice or tips. That whole curiosity thing again.

It's like if folks know that I homeschool and ask "how in the world do you do it"--I have to judge their tone and intent based on how they inquired to know if they are curious--and I don't mind answering....or if they are being condescending.

I'm imagining the OP gets a lot of these inquiries in a condescending manner. That is NEVER okay.

But if we were being honest--nothing is ever anybody's business. That doesn't warrant a rude refusal to answer though.

I don't know--I'm just babbling here.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I wont flame you at all , you have an opinion and I praise people who think for themselves. Its funny .. the grass is always greener. I resented my mother for so many years because we grew up poor. When my father died she stayed home with me and worked part time. I never had the things the other kids did.. and when I was older (17) I had to work full time while in high school to help her, because she got sick and had no health insurance. No help with college, no health insurance for me etc.. Now she is almost 70, has nothing to retire with and its my job to pay her bills. I love my mother to death... and as an adult now I realize she did the best she could as far as she knew. Also , its so great to have her helping me with my son so I'm not complaining, I'm just saying everything is a matter of perspective...

It is...

my mom worked and except for lack of health insurance courtesy of the military--I'm not exactly pleased with how we grew up financially.

In fact, I've foolishly adopted several bad habits that I Am trying to break--but it is difficult as that is how I was reared.

I never resented her working. She had Monday-Tuesdays off....so I could sometimes come home to baked cookies.

She had a 2 year period where the military sent her to college. I think she showed up on a regular, but infrequent, basis for muster and the occasional PT exercise. But she was pretty much at my disposal. It was very neat. So even with her being military...we still got to experience a little bit of the stay at home stuff.

But a working single parent--sadly--isn't a guarantee of a lifestyle where pennies are not pinched because of choice, but because of survival.

 

[Leader of the Club]

Oh! I am a married mom, but my hubby works out-of-state. In the last 18 months, he has been home for 7 weeks-4 once and 3 weeks the other.

All I hear is how hard it must be with him gone, how hard it must be to raise 2 boys without him, blah, blah, blah!

Its not hard! It is actually easier! And does anyone who feigns sympathy offer their help? Nope.

 

[branv]

You know, this reminds me of a tip i've read from...urgh, either Dear Abby or Ms Manners, whenever someone asks a question you consider impolite or personal...especially one you know is backloaded with inevitably hearing their opinion on the matter. It really works.

Example:

Question: "You're a single parent? Who takes care of them when you work so much (don't you feel bad about leaving them, etc, etc)?"

Answer: "Why do you ask?"

Question: "I'm just curious/was wondering/etc"

Answer: *Tip head to the side and look at them like they've grown a second head* "That's an unusual thing to be curious about (can also insert here, "especially when it's such a personal topic.")"

Notice it doesn't answer their question, therefore not giving them fuel to lecture you or debate you.

Now the best part is that they may get huffy, but they really can't pinpoint any actual rudeness on your part. Maybe it's a little passive aggressive, but I sure do love frustrating people like that

Though you will inevitably get the clueless person who will plow on, in which case you just have to be willing to very politely smile and say, "I'm sorry, but I'm uncomfortable with you asking me such personal questions/ discussing something that's private."

 

[Tink-aholic]

We are in a new area--and while it is nice to work--spending an entire paycheck for one afternoon of sitting so that I can have that privilege...I don't want to work that bad where it costs me money. I Would rather volunteer instead.

I'm not sure I read this properly...took me a few times to finally understand that you might have meant babysitting? I was trying to figure out what place would charge you so much to sit there!

I am honestly curious...why do you think you couldn't make as much or more than your husband? Would it make a difference if you were bringing home $1000 a week? $2000? $5000?

It does frustrate me that many of the threads here are written by women who seem to think that their only employment options are retail, fast food, day care, or filling out surveys online. Women are so much more capable than they give themselves credit, it seems. There is nothing wrong with any of those vocations, but a job should be a choice among many options...not just the few that seem to be the only ones within reach.

I teach mostly girls in a vocational high school, and I let them know that they choose their own limits and nothing is out of reach. Empowered women make choices based their wants and needs, and not on whatever they think they can get.

Having such choices also validates being a SAHM, simply because the choice was made in the face that any career was possible.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Hey! This sounds familiar. My Dh and I stopped at two and get the comments also.

We stopped at zero and boy, the comments we get. Did you know I was selfish for not having children?

 

[esk]

Ahh, the Mommy Wars. They amaze me.

OP, you could always say "well, who looks after Bob's kid when he goes on trips", and when they says, "Uh, I assume his wife Sally does" then you can say "Then you can assume I also have someone to watch Johnny". Or you could just be blunt and say "why? why do you want to know?"

DH and I are both in the military, with 2 kids. When DH deploys, nobody cares....I mean, everyone gets broken up about how hard it is for the SAHMs (no flames please) but what I hear is "well, you have day care, so......). You know, I'm not exactly dropping them at day care and then hanging out all day, I'm at work. And when one is sick, I have to figure something out, but that's what you do. But what I hear is, "well you both work normal jobs, not like (whoever) who works shift work" or some other thing to lessen the challenges we all face.

My friend, in the military is a single mom of 2, but because her ex has the kids one weekend a month/all summer, people say "well, she gets a break every month, so she's not REALLY a single parent" --- hmmm, yes she is. Her ex doesn't live in the same state.

Another friend, both her and DH in the military, have their mom living with her, so the snarky comments are "well, her mom lives with them, so it isn't like she has any issues or problems. Must be nice"

and that is what it comes down to -- jealousy. I think people are insecure/jealous and need to put others down. No matter what the situation is, people want to lessen what you do, so that they can build up what they do. Or just gossip about it.

On a funny note, last time I deployed, my husband was the HERO of that base...I mean, a man handling 2 kids! Oh wait.....his mom came and stayed the 6 months I was gone..........but still, he was doing it BY HIMSELF! Now how come my friend's mom living with her makes her less of a working mom, but my husband's mom living with him "doesn't count?"

Double standard. That's the way it is.

OP - good for you. And having your Mom live with you is a great solution. My mom would be there for me if I needed it. You do what is right for your family.