OT Working moms.. tired of hearing about it?

[rockundergirl]

This is half vent/ half me knowing that in an online forum I'm really going to hear exactly what people think.
I'm a single mother ( by this I mean un-married , and my sons father is out of the picture, I'm in a relationship that is heading towards a marriage but taking it slow)

My son is 5, and when I got my divorce I changed my life around, in 3 years more then doubled my income and guess what that takes a lot of hard work and effort. I work a male dominated field, and we all have long ours and travel that go along with the job... yet for some reason the men are praised for the long ours and hard work and I'm asked accusatory questions.. for example...

Oh wow, who watches your son while your on work travel? , that must be a lot for him .. poor little guy

but you don't hear anyone ask my male co-workers who is watching thr kids... why is that?

grrrrr .. sorry had to get this out... anyone else feel my pain???

 

[DVCBELLE]

It sounds more to me like they are asking b/c you are a single parent and not b/c you are a woman.

I would ask the same question of a single man as well

As a matter of fact - my BIL works in a different city right now than his family lives in - and his kids are older - and I say the same thing about his kids - that is is hard on them and I feel bad for them. And they have their mom home with them.

I always feel bad for kids whose parents travel a lot - from a single or two-parent home. It doesn't mean I think you are doing something wrong...its just the reality of the world we live in.

And I say good for you for working hard and providing for your son - I know that takes a lot of hard work and determination - don't let what other people say bother you so much - just worry about your little guy and keep doing what is best for your family!!

 

[MoniqueU]

I just posted in another thread that it doesn't matter what choice or life you lead out of choice or necessity if someone else is doing it different then you they question you about why you do what you do. I am a SAHM. I am bored out of my skull now that my kids are Jr high and up. But I am legally blind and can't drive. People still ask me why I don't work or volunteer or so forth. Well gee at my daughters baptism this weekend I had to tell the priest I can't see to read along with the ceremony LOL My husband works super long hours out of need and want and my family doesn't get why he isn't at every event. Well he can't call in sick on weekends. My one cousin with 4 kids and a husband with a normal stable job went and learned how to give massages, she had been a SAHM with her kids. next thing I see her after this and she is giving me the 3rd degree about not working. Gee isn't that what you just did? People are nuts.

You take care of yourself and your child which a whole heck of alot of people don't in this day and age.

 

[mjbaby]

My feeling is that no matter what you do with your life, someone is going to take exception to it. You just have to let it go, you know?

I've been a SAHM, a WAHM, a WOHM, and everything in between. During none of these arrangements did I feel constant approval from my "village". I think one needs to be secure in the knowledge that one is making the best possible choices for the family and just let the rest go.

 

[LovableGluttons]

Yes, it gets old. I remember DH having to take a day of leave when he was active duty to stay home with our kids when he was active duty because the NICU I worked in was understaffed and they could not spare me. His supervisors brought it up on his next eval like he let down his country.

 

[labdogs42]

It seems like no matter what parenting choices you make these days, someone is going to have something negative to say about them. My DH and I both work full time jobs and we have chosen to have an only child. Needless to say, many people have comments about both of these choices. Like ti has anything to do with them! So, yes, I'm sure you will continue to hear these kinds of comments and questions from people. I don't think there's a way to stop it. You end up just having to ignore them.

 

[LovableGluttons]

It seems like no matter what parenting choices you make these days, someone is going to have something negative to say about them. My DH and I both work full time jobs and we have chosen to have an only child. Needless to say, many people have comments about both of these choices. Like ti has anything to do with them! So, yes, I'm sure you will continue to hear these kinds of comments and questions from people. I don't think there's a way to stop it. You end up just having to ignore them.

Hey! This sounds familiar. My Dh and I stopped at two and get the comments also.

 

[ancestry]

When it comes to the issues of family and parenting -- everyone has strong opinion, beliefs, and values and very few people have tolerance for anything that varies from their opinions, beliefs, and values. You just have to do what is best for your family and ignore everyone else. Their opinion don't (or shouldn't) effect what you do.

 

[Michelle and crew]

If a male was the single parent of a child, I would wonder the same things. And 50 % of kids are raised in single parent homes, so you get those that had to live with being latchkey kids, and there is sympathy for the child. People having compassion on a child isn't a bad thing.

 

[crisi]

Yep, have a glib answer ready to go...

"I thought about living off the public via welfare so I could be a SAHM, but I thought that set a bad example."

"We were looking at nice cardboard boxes, but I wanted better for him than that."

or seriously

"Yes, its hard on both of us. There are many moments I'll miss that I'll never get back, too. But this is the right solution for us, it took a lot of hard thought and hard work to reach it. Thank you for your concern.

 

[mamaLori05]

My feeling is that no matter what you do with your life, someone is going to take exception to it. You just have to let it go, you know?

I've been a SAHM, a WAHM, a WOHM, and everything in between. During none of these arrangements did I feel constant approval from my "village". I think one needs to be secure in the knowledge that one is making the best possible choices for the family and just let the rest go.

I agree. I am a SAHM, and I can't tell you how many times others have made a comment or two that basically says I don't do anything because I am not making any money. Never mind that I volunteer heavily in the schools, make sure my kids are involved in outside activities and playgroups, and do everything that needs to be done at home. I've given up trying to explain it to people. Now when I get the comment I just say, "yup, you are right, I sit at home all day watching soaps and eating my bon bons."

 

[MrsPete]

Nah, I know that my husband and I've made the best possible choices for my family, and I don't care if other people disagree with them. Now that my kids are teens, I can see the positive results of the choices we made when they were younger. Our oldest is just steps away from adulthood, and we really like the responsible young lady she's turning out to be.

My go-to answer when someone makes a rude comment such as "Don't you feel badly about someone else raising your children?" is -- in a voice that implies slight amusement -- "What makes you think it's okay to ask a question (or make a comment) like that?" No one ever answers.

 

[mom2aredhead]

It seems like no matter what parenting choices you make these days, someone is going to have something negative to say about them. My DH and I both work full time jobs and we have chosen to have an only child. Needless to say, many people have comments about both of these choices. Like ti has anything to do with them! So, yes, I'm sure you will continue to hear these kinds of comments and questions from people. I don't think there's a way to stop it. You end up just having to ignore them.

I absolutely agree! My husband works full time + any OT he can get. I work part time, about 30 hours/week, and my son is also an only child. I worked full time for a while, was laid off so was a SAHM mom for a while, and now have found what we believe to be a good balance for our family.

Yet I still occasionally hear, from family and friends "now that he's older (he's 7) why not get a real job" from the working parents
Or "why even bother if you're only working part time and get no benefits - he should be home" from the stay home parents.
Or "you have it so easy - imagine how much harder it would be if you had 2 (or 3 or 4) like me" from pretty much everyone I know with more than 1 kid.

This is prime "mommy-wars" territory, so I am going to tread very lightly. But the bottom line is that no matter what choice you make - single parent, married or otherwise, working mother or SAHM, mom of 1 or mom of 12, homeschool, or public school - someone, somewhere will feel the need to express their opposition. Just ignore it.

To the OP, congratulations on turning around your career, making the best out of a difficult situation, and I wish you continued success with your job and family! Its not like you're leaving your child with a pack of hyenas while you're gone - you're obviously making choices that you and your child are comfortable with while you travel, and its working for both of you. Don't listen to the "haters".

 

[branv]

This is prime "mommy-wars" territory, so I am going to tread very lightly. But the bottom line is that no matter what choice you make - single parent, married or otherwise, working mother or SAHM, mom of 1 or mom of 12, homeschool, or public school - someone, somewhere will feel the need to express their opposition. Just ignore it.

You forgot one...you can't believe the judgmental comments a person gets for NOT having kids.

I think it comes down to this...people are insecure. All of us, on some level, and we make ourselves feel better when we can point to someone else and say "I'd never do it like them. My way is better." We all do it, including every one who has commented on this thread, whether it's about family, lifestyle choices, religion, politics, etc, etc. It's one thing to disagree with someone's choice, or to not even understand it, but we don't stop there, shrug and say, "eh, so what." We let it bug us or we feel like we have to do/say something about it. I think that part has to do with, well, again, because we are insecure -- when people make choices that are different from ours, there's a part of us that feels they're invalidating our choices. So we get defensive, and in turn a little hostile. We assume they haven't thought it through clearly enough, or there's something wrong with them (selfish, stupid, lazy greedy, whatever..). Because if we thought they rationally made a choice different from ours, that calls into question our own choices. Silly...but human nature.

I had a conversation a few years ago with an old friend of mine who had had her first child the year before. I was telling her that people always say adults without children are really hard on parents because we don't understand what it's really like. But that I'd found most of the complaining I'd heard about kids and their parents was from OTHER parents. She sighed and said, "You know, I knew raising a child was going to be wonderful but hard. But what I never expected to be so hard was how much judgment and even competitiveness you get from other parents. No matter what you do, it's wrong to someone. I have not felt peer pressure like this since I was in junior high!"

 

[arielsleepingbeauty]

I am a single mom (divorced) of two daughters ages 10 and 9. Their dad is very involved and I am happy abotu that. We divorced 3 years ago. I have always worked, not always full time though. He worked 3rd shift, came home and took care of the kids while I worked for 5 hours and then I came home and he slept. Then when we divorced, i started to work full time because i needed medical benefits and money. I sold my big house and with the profits bought a smaller home in the same community so my girls could go to the same school. I live in a moderately wealthy community and there are a lot of stay at home moms, which I think is great, but i think that it is fine that I am working too. I don't miss anything that they do at school. They only go to daycare before they go to school because I work earlier than school starts. They stay with their dad, my mom or sister in the summer. I am home when they get home from school.
I am a working mom. Not that I really want to be, i just HAVE to be. I feel that it is my responsibility to my children. Instead of showing them how much I hate it, i turn it into something positive. I tell them that when you make your own money, you can spend it however you want. I teach them to never rely on anyone but yourself because you never know what your future can be. If people look down on me for working, so be it. I really don't care. I HAVE to do it. I will not teach my children to rely on state aide for help. I feel that I am a positive role model for my children.

 

[princessbride6205]

It seems like no matter what parenting choices you make these days, someone is going to have something negative to say about them. My DH and I both work full time jobs and we have chosen to have an only child. Needless to say, many people have comments about both of these choices. Like ti has anything to do with them! So, yes, I'm sure you will continue to hear these kinds of comments and questions from people. I don't think there's a way to stop it. You end up just having to ignore them.

We also work FT and have chosen to have an only child.

This is half vent/ half me knowing that in an online forum I'm really going to hear exactly what people think.
I'm a single mother ( by this I mean un-married , and my sons father is out of the picture, I'm in a relationship that is heading towards a marriage but taking it slow)

My son is 5, and when I got my divorce I changed my life around, in 3 years more then doubled my income and guess what that takes a lot of hard work and effort. I work a male dominated field, and we all have long ours and travel that go along with the job... yet for some reason the men are praised for the long ours and hard work and I'm asked accusatory questions.. for example...

Oh wow, who watches your son while your on work travel? , that must be a lot for him .. poor little guy

but you don't hear anyone ask my male co-workers who is watching thr kids... why is that?

grrrrr .. sorry had to get this out... anyone else feel my pain???

Sorry you're having this issue. I'm married, but having a similar problem. My husband and I work for the same company and often have to travel or work OT at the same time. We've just been getting by with securing child care options, but are now struggling with accommodating even more travel & OT, as we have no family for 1000 miles. Do you mind if I ask what you do when you're on work travel?

 

[jemgumby]

Well, OP you bring up an interesting subject. We do live in a world where there is sexism and part of that is that the woman should care for the child and the man be the provider. Those things are so entrenched in our society I don't even think people are aware they even feel that way deep down. I notice on these boards and in talking to people in general they will readily agree that racism is a problem but for some reason people don't like to talk about sexism. I can see how working in a male dominated field is tough in itself so GOOD FOR YOU!!! I am sure hearing those comments (which are ignorant) don't help you any as well. If it is from other women they could be jealous of you and your sucess and say those things to hurt you. If it is from your male co-workers they could be intimidated by you. Either way who cares, you keep on doing what is best for you and your child and keep your chin up! Kudos to you!!! Doing the right thing is never easy!

 

[wvjules]

Sounds to me like a question based on the fact that she's a single parent, not that she's a SHE. I'm assuming that the men you work with have wives that care for the children when they are out of town working (or they are a part-time/weekend parent) and it is assumed the other parent will care for the child. Whereas, the OP has no SO at home to care for her child. People seem to take offense where there is none.

 

[bettymae1121]

I think it also has to do with the fact that, right or wrong, the number of single DADS out there is pretty small (meaning a Dad who is the primary caregiver). Let's face it, a single parent is almost always going to be a woman, not a man. A man with children is almost always either going to be married, or divorced with the wife having primary custody. With a man, it's just going to be assumed that if he works/travels a lot, the kids are at home with their mother. With a single mom, it's "what do you do with the kids?" because it's just assumed the father, if in the picture at all, only has the kids on the weekends. Sure, it's a tiny bit sexist to assume that, but really the numbers suggest that it's usually true.

Still, with that said I can see how being asked that all the time gets real old, real quick, especially when you know that your male counterparts aren't being asked the same question. I'd just answer "well since little Billy turned 4, he can stay at home by himself. I leave cereal and milk where he can reach it and trained him to dial 911 if there's a problem, so it's all good". But I'm evil like that!

 

[jemgumby]

I think it also has to do with the fact that, right or wrong, the number of single DADS out there is pretty small (meaning a Dad who is the primary caregiver). Let's face it, a single parent is almost always going to be a woman, not a man. A man with children is almost always either going to be married, or divorced with the wife having primary custody. With a man, it's just going to be assumed that if he works/travels a lot, the kids are at home with their mother. With a single mom, it's "what do you do with the kids?" because it's just assumed the father, if in the picture at all, only has the kids on the weekends. Sure, it's a tiny bit sexist to assume that, but really the numbers suggest that it's usually true.

Still, with that said I can see how being asked that all the time gets real old, real quick, especially when you know that your male counterparts aren't being asked the same question. I'd just answer "well since little Billy turned 4, he can stay at home by himself. I leave cereal and milk where he can reach it and trained him to dial 911 if there's a problem, so it's all good". But I'm evil like that!

Good one!!!!!