OT - Working Mom thinking about leaving FT job

[jodifla]

I must beg to differ. I'll even admit to being a little offended at the "those women try to claim otherwise" comment.

I have also been both a working-outsite-the-home mom and a stay-at-home mom. I think which is easier depends on the circumstances. FOR ME: Going to my full time 35 hour per week, job as a victim advocate while my son was in daycare was so much easier than my first few years at home. I had newborn twins and a two year old. About a month into my "SAHM" status, I called my former boss and thanked him (a little jokingly) for that whole 30 minutes he used to give me to once a day to actually eat a meal. 'Cause, let me tell you, those days were long gone!

What's "easier" really is subjective.

I said "a lot of fronts," not all fronts.

And certainly having three small children changes the equation.

But when your kids get a little older, even around 3, being a SAHM isn't the cross between rocket science and the labor of Hercules thrown in with a little Mother Teresa some women want to make it out to be. I know since I currently am one. (A SAHM, not Mother Teresa.)

It's a nice lifestyle, frankly. There's a lot less pressure in the day, and things like having sick kids doesn't throw everyone into a tizzy.

But as I've mentioned before, it comes with severe financial tradeoffs that people should look down the road for. It's not shaving some expenses to live day by day, it's also how you are set for college costs and retirement.

 

[mickeyfan9194]

But as I've mentioned before, it comes with severe financial tradeoffs that people should look down the road for. It's not shaving some expenses to live day by day, it's also how you are set for college costs and retirement.

That's exactly what my point was earlier. Some kids won't remember that Mom was there every minute of their day, once they're adults. Heck, I don't remember anything before I was 5. After that, I was made fun of by other kids because my mom was always at school for parties and volunteering. We also couldn't afford all the "cool" clothes, so my mom sewed mine. We didn't have the money to pay for Driver's Education when it came time for me to drive, let alone pay for my insurance or assist me in buying a beater to drive around. I went to work at 15 to afford the things I wanted, while my mom still stayed at home. No one was there to help pay for my college either, which I was repaying loans for after I was married. Now, we're looking at probably having my mom move in with us at some point, since it's getting harder for her to work due to health issues, and she has no savings or retirement to speak of. I have been paying for her decisions most of my life. Don't get me wrong, I never felt "entitled" to anything, and my experiences have shaped my character for the better. But I do not want my children to feel the way that I did growing up, and even to this day. I just don't have a lot of respect for my mother. I often saw her decisions as selfish and short-sighted. I know others may have a different experience altogether with their SAHM. I just think you need to look ahead YEARS before you make that decision, and think of how it will affect ALL of you in the future. Making sure you know how your kids feel (good or bad) about you working/staying at home is good, too. A lot can be tweaked on either end if the communication is open and everyone's opinion is valued. My kids are fine with me working, but we talk openly about what they need/want from us, and if DH and I think it's reasonable and feasible then we make it happen. I'm always there if it's important to them.

 

[jodifla]

That's exactly what my point was earlier. Some kids won't remember that Mom was there every minute of their day, once they're adults. Heck, I don't remember anything before I was 5. After that, I was made fun of by other kids because my mom was always at school for parties and volunteering. We also couldn't afford all the "cool" clothes, so my mom sewed mine. We didn't have the money to pay for Driver's Education when it came time for me to drive, let alone pay for my insurance or assist me in buying a beater to drive around. I went to work at 15 to afford the things I wanted, while my mom still stayed at home. No one was there to help pay for my college either, which I was repaying loans for after I was married. Now, we're looking at probably having my mom move in with us at some point, since it's getting harder for her to work due to health issues, and she has no savings or retirement to speak of. I have been paying for her decisions most of my life. Don't get me wrong, I never felt "entitled" to anything, and my experiences have shaped my character for the better. But I do not want my children to feel the way that I did growing up, and even to this day. I just don't have a lot of respect for my mother. I often saw her decisions as selfish and short-sighted. I know others may have a different experience altogether with their SAHM. I just think you need to look ahead YEARS before you make that decision, and think of how it will affect ALL of you in the future. Making sure you know how your kids feel (good or bad) about you working/staying at home is good, too. A lot can be tweaked on either end if the communication is open and everyone's opinion is valued. My kids are fine with me working, but we talk openly about what they need/want from us, and if DH and I think it's reasonable and feasible then we make it happen. I'm always there if it's important to them.

Oh, I hear you! I have a very similar situation.....too bad so many parents don't look down the road to the financial situation they are creating.

Frankly, I think my mom, who I loved dearly, stayed home because it was easier, plain and simple.

 

[Worfiedoodles]

That's exactly what my point was earlier. Some kids won't remember that Mom was there every minute of their day, once they're adults. Heck, I don't remember anything before I was 5. After that, I was made fun of by other kids because my mom was always at school for parties and volunteering. We also couldn't afford all the "cool" clothes, so my mom sewed mine. We didn't have the money to pay for Driver's Education when it came time for me to drive, let alone pay for my insurance or assist me in buying a beater to drive around. I went to work at 15 to afford the things I wanted, while my mom still stayed at home. No one was there to help pay for my college either, which I was repaying loans for after I was married. Now, we're looking at probably having my mom move in with us at some point, since it's getting harder for her to work due to health issues, and she has no savings or retirement to speak of. I have been paying for her decisions most of my life. Don't get me wrong, I never felt "entitled" to anything, and my experiences have shaped my character for the better. But I do not want my children to feel the way that I did growing up, and even to this day. I just don't have a lot of respect for my mother. I often saw her decisions as selfish and short-sighted. I know others may have a different experience altogether with their SAHM. I just think you need to look ahead YEARS before you make that decision, and think of how it will affect ALL of you in the future. Making sure you know how your kids feel (good or bad) about you working/staying at home is good, too. A lot can be tweaked on either end if the communication is open and everyone's opinion is valued. My kids are fine with me working, but we talk openly about what they need/want from us, and if DH and I think it's reasonable and feasible then we make it happen. I'm always there if it's important to them.

Wow, Mickeyfan, did we have the same SAHM?! I had the same experience. My mom was the Queen of the Volunteers, but that really wasn't helping me when we couldn't afford any of the things my friends had. And when my dad was laid off from time to time (slower economy in the 70s and 80s), that meant severe changes in lifestyle. The only type of vacation we ever took was camping, and I hated it. If I hadn't earned a full ride to college, I would not have gone. There was not a penny saved. My dad was laid off my senior year of high school, and there were many things we just could not have. I worked providing afterschool care and housecleaning to a family that year, while trying to get the homework done for all my honors classes, while my mom thrilled to the challenge of all her Girl Scout projects. And she did have skills -- she was an executive secretary before me. She just wasn't going to work outside the home after she became a mother. She stopped working at age 32, and that was that. Like you, I felt resentful and couldn't understand why she didn't get a job, or at least try to find something. My dh's mom worked, but as a single mother w/3-6 kids (she had her sister's kids off and on), she didn't have anything saved for those kids' futures either. I just couldn't do that same thing to my ds -- and I don't want to be a burden on him. I'd rather not think about the long term, but life experience has taught me that I have to be prepared to take care of myself for the duration, so I'm at work doing the best I can for our family. Just wanted to commiserate.

 

[mickeyfan9194]

It kinda sucks having to take care of our parents, us and our children's futures all at the same time. Such is the "sandwich" generation. I sure hope we set a good example for our kids so they don't repeat past mistakes.

 

[vacation dreamer]

Mickeyfan9194 has it absolutely right

I would LOVE to stay home with my kids, but I don't. I had kids after I went through 8 years of college and 5 years of working. I am highly degreed in a specialized field and make a lot of money. My husband, on the other hand, did not work for that long and makes an average salary. For me to stay home with the kids on his salary would have meant a lot of compromises (like no Disney vacations, no birthday parties, no summer vacations, etc). So instead my husband stays home with the kids and I work. I do miss being home with them, but there are definitely other things to consider (college education, retirement, lifestyle). It also helps that I appreciate my time with them more and spend less time cleaning and trying to be the perfect mom and more time reading to them and playing games and talking to them. I'll take a few dustbunnies around the house if it means that I go to bed satisfied that I spent quality time with them.

The bottom line is, you have to figure out what you want for yourself. It IS possible to be a GREAT mom and work! It also is possible to be a great mom and stay home!

That is great that your hubby is a SAHD. We have friends that have been in the same situation.

 

[Hillbeans]

OP checking in here - this thread is so informative and is really full of excellent discussions and advice - not just for me but for so many of us in similar positions who have struggled with the same decisions and worries.

 

[Dopey's twin Dippy]

my first daughter is now 26 yrs. i was home for a while , then i worked full time in the small claims/civil dept of our court house. then when i had my 2nd daughter i decided to leave. we didnt want to put her in day care and no one in our family was home to babysit. so , i havve worked part time nights when she was younger,my husband watched both at night. now i still just work part time. if i found the right job id go back full time, but i like being able to go to her sports things or whatever is going on. of course my BABY is older now almost ready to finish high school and then off to college. i will have to work full time to pay for that.....hahaha

 

[Mickeyluver37]

Hi - I went from FT to PT 4.5 years ago when ds was born. I am a computer programmer and I was very happy that they made this arrangement with me. Now, however, I find myself in that great unknown area - a working PT mother. Basically that means that I don't fit in with the WOTH FT parents nor do I fit in with the SAH parents. I can be critisized from both ends!

Seriously, if you really like your job you will probably feel some pangs as you watch others excel in their careers while you do something PT. And you very well might get some 'bad looks' from others who see you leave at your early time while they stay. And then at Preschool, other looks from the SAH parents when you arrange for carpooling due to your work schedule.

Overall, it is worth it to me though. It always depends on your family situation. I love having the extra time with the kids.

Good luck with your decision.

I completely agree!!! My situation is a little different...I had kids young, and stayed home with them for 7 years while whittling away at that Bachelor's degree. I graduated when they were 6 and 4 and went to work full time. This was my first real job, as I had only worked at P/T retail or waitressing jobs in high school and college. Dh stayed home for a couple years, but when he went back to work it got to be too hard on all of us, so I am now Part Time. I love this schedule!!! I get the adult interaction, plus it's so flexible that I can be home with my kids whenever I need to be. My salary is pretty significant to our budget- I'm almost making now what I was making 3 yrs. ago entry level full time. Right now, I can't afford to be totally home, but I just work while the kids are in school so there are no daycare expenses.

Now the cons- it is sometimes hard to meet deadlines, others expectations, etc. as a part time person. My kids would be stranded at school if I wasn't there to pick them up, so I *have* to leave, no matter if that means disappointing someone. Luckily, some things can still be done from home. And yes, there is the jealousy from the co-workers- especially now as this is a very busy time for us and most people are working 60-65 hours a week. Of course, if I wasn't in a high demand field, I might not have the flexibility I do now- I'd be easily replaced. Also, I have realized that working 1/3-1/2 the time of everyone else, as well as having less responsibility means my career is pretty much stagnant as long as I am part time- there is no way I'll be promoted at my current status. And I'm certainly ok with that, but I can see where others would feel slighted.

 

[zalansky]

Hi Hillbeans -
More than likely you know my story....but remember I left my FT job to stay home full-time and it was a decision I cried about daily for weeks...I missed the job even though I hated it when I was there - I probably missed the comraderie like others have said. I didn;t have friends who stayed home full-time with kids because I also worked FT for the past 15 years straight. Staying home terrified me and even after I was home for 6 months I cried to DH I wanted to go back. Our issue was childcare...until our 2nd baby was born my in-laws watched our first baby. They just were too old to watch 2 babies...and I totally understood. Aside from my 401k and other benefits if I put our 2 kids in daycare, I would not have been bringing home much...so I left. It was so hard, but I adjusted and I think it was because my older child started pre-school. I agree with JodiFla - it gets easier as the kids get older. Now I wonder if I can ever go back to work! That is how comfortable I have gotten with this. I am so very grateful that I did stay home because I am there to take my son to pre-k and pick him up, and see the baby doing all her firsts myself. So many women at work told me I would NEVER regret staying home and they were so right. It took me a year to get here, but I am very blessed I get to stay home at this time. If you can do it, do it....like so many have said you won't regret it but you might regret it if you don't try.
Best of luck with your decision.