OT-Wording of "no gifts please" ???'s

[tjmw2727]

Thanks for clarifying - I had a feeling based on the rest of your post(s) that I may have gotten it wrong!

ITA an etiquette book would be a great gift and I think I will get a new one for all of us to read together

TJ

 

[eyor44]

I tried going the "No gifts please" route for DD's first birthday and everyone but one person, brought a gift and then that one person felt horrible and I did too. We honestly didn't want gifts as she was just one and didn't know better. We just wanted everyone to celebrate with us that she made it to one with no major medical issues.

You will probably get gifts anyway.

 

[disnut1149]

Hi
We're having a graduation on the 15th for all three of my kids. Well, there not really kids, my DD is 35 and just got her Masters in education from Cabrini College, my DS is 25 and just graduated Villanova Law School and my other DD is 32 and got her bachelors degree from AIU online. I never had a college graduation party for them, but we are having a big party now. I also put "no gifts necessary, just come to party", on the invitation. I didn't want people to feel obligated to bring a gift for 3 kids. Now, I hope I didn't offend anybody. We're having 115 people, so I don't think people will really know who the people are that probably will bring a gift. What do you guys think? Thanks!!

 

[Mr. & Mrs. Smith]

I don't understand why people in this day and age are worried so much about proper ettiquette rules. I think that so long as your intentions are good and you aren't trying to be rude that you can just throw Miss Manners' advice right out the window. (I mean, does it really matter if you eat your main course with your salad fork?) I think people need to do what they think is right and, if someone is offended by that, then I would suggest that person is too easily offended.

There are so many important things in life to worry about. Whether or not someone's offended because you've asked them not to bring a gift to a one year old's party should not be one of them.

If I were you, I'd simply say, "No gifts please," or one of the other nicely worded statements suggested on this thread.

 

[Scurvy]

I don't understand why people in this day and age are worried so much about proper ettiquette rules. I think that so long as your intentions are good and you aren't trying to be rude that you can just throw Miss Manners' advice right out the window. (I mean, does it really matter if you eat your main course with your salad fork?) I think people need to do what they think is right and, if someone is offended by that, then I would suggest that person is too easily offended.

I personally think etiquette is even more important in this day and age. People are so quick to be offended by the most ridiculous things, and I think having a "guide to proper behavior" is invaluable. If everyone knew and followed traditional etiquette I think things would be much more pleasant much of the time.

Now among your close friends and family I think it's silly to be too worried about formal etiquette, but when issuing invitations to a diverse group of people I still think it's better to try to follow it. With the "No gift" situation, you don't need to write that on the invitation for the people you are closest to - you likely talk to them often enough that you could mention it to them. If you aren't close enough to someone for the gift thing to come up in conversation, then I personally think you aren't close enough to forego proper etiquette in your dealings with them. In that case I think it's even more important to be "etiquettely correct" with the invitations. For example - I'm close enough to my sister that even though it's technically rude for me to try to control what gifts she does (or doesn't) get for my son, I don't mind calling to tell her not to get the video games I already got for him. On the other hand I don't have that relationship with his classmates' moms, so I wouldn't call them about it, nor would I put gift info on the invitations.

As for the wrong fork thing, I agree that if someone is offended if I use the wrong fork then that's their problem. On the other hand, that's the sort of thing that I think preteens and teens really need to learn. Not so they don't offend others, but so they will not feel awkward or confused when faced with a fancy dinner and lots of utensils. No one wants to feel self conscious because they don't know what to do in a situation where everyone else does seem to know, and a good knowledge of etiquette can help someone to feel more comfortable and confident in lots of different situations.

 

[rt2dz]

I personally think etiquette is even more important in this day and age. People are so quick to be offended by the most ridiculous things, and I think having a "guide to proper behavior" is invaluable. If everyone knew and followed traditional etiquette I think things would be much more pleasant much of the time.

Now among your close friends and family I think it's silly to be too worried about formal etiquette, but when issuing invitations to a diverse group of people I still think it's better to try to follow it. With the "No gift" situation, you don't need to write that on the invitation for the people you are closest to - you likely talk to them often enough that you could mention it to them. If you aren't close enough to someone for the gift thing to come up in conversation, then I personally think you aren't close enough to forego proper etiquette in your dealings with them. In that case I think it's even more important to be "etiquettely correct" with the invitations. For example - I'm close enough to my sister that even though it's technically rude for me to try to control what gifts she does (or doesn't) get for my son, I don't mind calling to tell her not to get the video games I already got for him. On the other hand I don't have that relationship with his classmates' moms, so I wouldn't call them about it, nor would I put gift info on the invitations.

As for the wrong fork thing, I agree that if someone is offended if I use the wrong fork then that's their problem. On the other hand, that's the sort of thing that I think preteens and teens really need to learn. Not so they don't offend others, but so they will not feel awkward or confused when faced with a fancy dinner and lots of utensils. No one wants to feel self conscious because they don't know what to do in a situation where everyone else does seem to know, and a good knowledge of etiquette can help someone to feel more comfortable and confident in lots of different situations.

Well said.

In addition, some breaches of etiquette are big no-nos. My DHs uncle seriously offended me when we got married. They accepted our wedding invitation weeks in advance, but didn't show up. Why? Because their neighbors invited them over for dinner that night at the last minute. Instead of declining, they stuck us with the bill (must pay caters in advance) for their meals (2 @ $65 each). They never even gave us a wedding present--or card. I was, and still am, offended over that. I don't care about the gift, but once they accepted, they should have shown up. They have no clue that what they did was wrong. Now, we did have others not show up. One couple had his father die two days before. Understandable. Another couple's baby got sick and was hospitalized. Understandable. But another every day dinner invitation? Offensive. And we were the ones who are supposed to be understanding that they were in a difficult situation because they were good friends. Family shouldn't get upset over that. Huh? It's a wedding! Not a picnic at the park.

 

[Mr. & Mrs. Smith]

In addition, some breaches of etiquette are big no-nos. My DHs uncle seriously offended me when we got married. They accepted our wedding invitation weeks in advance, but didn't show up. Why? Because their neighbors invited them over for dinner that night at the last minute. Instead of declining, they stuck us with the bill (must pay caters in advance) for their meals (2 @ $65 each). They never even gave us a wedding present--or card. I was, and still am, offended over that. I don't care about the gift, but once they accepted, they should have shown up. They have no clue that what they did was wrong. Now, we did have others not show up. One couple had his father die two days before. Understandable. Another couple's baby got sick and was hospitalized. Understandable. But another every day dinner invitation? Offensive. And we were the ones who are supposed to be understanding that they were in a difficult situation because they were good friends. Family shouldn't get upset over that. Huh? It's a wedding! Not a picnic at the park.

I think there's a big difference between this incident and writing "no gifts" on an invitation. I would argue that your example is less about etiquette and more about common-sense. Obviously, your uncle acted selfishly and rudely and didn't consider how it would affect you. I don't think that has anything to social norms. Writing "no gifts" is an effort to save other people money and help others to feel comfortable attending when they otherwise may not have because of the gift expectation. So, I see the two incidents as completely different, kwim?