OT-When did you know you were finished having kids?

[Colleen27]

So, I'll preface my question by saying I don't judge anyone for their reasons they choose or don't choose to have more kids I'm just wondering for my own decision making. So here it is, no flames please. Is the feeling that "you're done" having kids come from the fact that you couldn't handle anymore versus a feeling that your family is just complete? I mean is the work just so much that you feel you couldn't manage?

For us, it is more a question of money than work. We have a wonderful lifestyle that is dependent in part upon keeping our expenses fairly low. I'm a SAHM and work part time from home; DH runs his own business and works part-time/seasonal hours for a full-time income. During the winter, when DH's business is very slow, the kids practically have two SAH parents. But because we want to be so available to our children, we're not exactly maximizing our income, and adding a 4th child would mean we'd likely have to rethink our career choices.

Our love of travel also plays a role. Each child makes traveling more expensive and more complicated. As it is, we're usually a family of 6 when we're on the road - DH & I, 3 kids, and my mom who frequently vacations with us (especially to Disney and on other 'big' trips). So right now, if each kid wants to go their own way we can manage that. One more would have us outnumbered all the time! We don't want to have so many children that traveling would become too expensive or get to feeling like too much trouble for us to enjoy.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

To answer your question, I have 3 and I'm home with them all.

Same here, SAHM of 3 (except I have all girls!), wouldn't do anything different!!!

 

[letthewookiewin]

Personally, I thought I was done after I had our first DS. I had complications do to very high hypertension and toxemia. Once my DH convinced me that I was just scared about the whole "almost dying thing", I agreed to have just one more. I was so sure, that when they did my c-section that I had them go ahead and tie my tubes. Once I saw my youngest DS, I knew that our family was complete and there was no need for any more. Every once in a while I think I get the "baby pains" again. For the longest time, I was able to fill those b/c I worked in a day care and took care of babies. I got the best deal out of it. I got to take care of babies, but I still got a full nights sleep. Now when that happens, I just go play with my nephews new baby and that takes care of it. When I see how tired the babie's mom is, I'm so glad that I don't have any that young anymore.
Honestly, I always wanted just two anyway. That way the kids don't out number the parents, and you can always play "man on man" defense.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I have found this to be a very interesting post as I'm trying to decide if we should have another baby (our second). I have a thought that I'd like to ask the women on here but I'm afraid it might come across in a way other than I intended. So, I'll preface my question by saying I don't judge anyone for their reasons they choose or don't choose to have more kids I'm just wondering for my own decision making. So here it is, no flames please. Is the feeling that "you're done" having kids come from the fact that you couldn't handle anymore versus a feeling that your family is just complete? I mean is the work just so much that you feel you couldn't manage?

Like I said, we're currently trying to decide whether or not to have another. This discussion has been really helpful for me. So thanks to the OP!

I'll probably get some people angry at saying this, and it doesn't mean that this is at all your situation, but just food for thought. I am an only child. I led a very lonely childhood. I had lots of friends but at the end of the day when they did things with their families I was left out and alone. I have never gotten over the fact that I have no one to reminice with of childhood experiences and memories. I thought my wedding day was bad, no sister or brother to stand by me, but having kids was awful. I realized what I was missing when I had a baby. My DH's only brother died when I was pregnant with DD14 so our kids have no aunts, uncles or cousins. Like I said, i am sure there are happy only children, but it is something to think about. Not telling you what to do, but just a differeent side of things. I decided to have DD9 when a good friend died at a young age (early 40s) and I saw her 2 daughters lean on each other in the times following her death. I realized how much I needed to give my DD14 a family and get pregnant with DD9. DD6 was just a bonus, a blessing and a true gift to our family.

Again, this is only my experience...

 

[mom2princessj]

I have found this to be a very interesting post as I'm trying to decide if we should have another baby (our second). I have a thought that I'd like to ask the women on here but I'm afraid it might come across in a way other than I intended. So, I'll preface my question by saying I don't judge anyone for their reasons they choose or don't choose to have more kids I'm just wondering for my own decision making. So here it is, no flames please. Is the feeling that "you're done" having kids come from the fact that you couldn't handle anymore versus a feeling that your family is just complete? I mean is the work just so much that you feel you couldn't manage?

Like I said, we're currently trying to decide whether or not to have another. This discussion has been really helpful for me. So thanks to the OP!

I really think its a bit of both. When my ds was born and my dd was 15 mos it was a bit overwhelming. It wasn't nearly as bad as I had thought it would be but it was still quite a bit of work. With one of each we just felt like we were complete. I mean I wasn't going to add another 6 mos in and I didn't want the age gap to be big between the next one and dd plus for me I'm high risk and pregnancy is ALOT on my body. My dr said I could do one more but I say no way. I"ve been pregnant 4 times with 2 m/c and after my monster was born and I had to potty train him I knew I was D-O-N-E You could get two easy children and going from 1 to 2 isn't really that big of a deal. But I think once you get one difficult after having a really easy one (dd had colic for 10 weeks and since then she's been a BREEZE) it really makes you think about what you can handle. Not to mention then I started thinking about my age (mid 30s) and my chances of having things go wrong in my pregnancy and we just didn't want to test fate. It's a personal decision and because of all I went through just to have one I feel blessed I have two even on the days when ds makes me want to pull my hair out

 

[brockash]

I'll probably get some people angry at saying this, and it doesn't mean that this is at all your situation, but just food for thought. I am an only child. I led a very lonely childhood. I had lots of friends but at the end of the day when they did things with their families I was left out and alone. I have never gotten over the fact that I have no one to reminice with of childhood experiences and memories. I thought my wedding day was bad, no sister or brother to stand by me, but having kids was awful. I realized what I was missing when I had a baby. My DH's only brother died when I was pregnant with DD14 so our kids have no aunts, uncles or cousins. Like I said, i am sure there are happy only children, but it is something to think about. Not telling you what to do, but just a differeent side of things. I decided to have DD9 when a good friend died at a young age (early 40s) and I saw her 2 daughters lean on each other in the times following her death. I realized how much I needed to give my DD14 a family and get pregnant with DD9. DD6 was just a bonus, a blessing and a true gift to our family.

Again, this is only my experience...

This is a huge reason why I'm not sure 2 is enough for me or for my children. I'm the oldest of 3 sister's and a much younger half brother. My parent's have been divorced since basically my youngest sister was born, and we were always the constant in eachother's lives. There are no ppl. in this world that I am closer to or care more about (besides my kids) than my sister's, and I cherish all the memories we had as kids and still have. I really don't know where I would be without them, or how I would have made it through my life without them (and it's not that I had a bad life by any means.) I'm married and don't plan on getting divorced, but I don't think many ppl do but if something were to ever happen, or if god forbid something happened to me and my DH, I would be so scared that my kids wouldn't have anyone to share the grief/recovery ect. with. They would always have my family, but that's not the same, I think they need someone that's going through the same thing. I have a DS -6 and DD-18 months, and I just don't know if that is enough support for them. Someone else on this post made the comment about when you look around your table do you feel complete, and I think that's a great question, and I just don't think we feel complete, but boy do I hate being pregnant.

 

[snow88]

Do you have the same OB/GYN as me? Mine told me the same thing. I honestly didn't plan on having anymore children after 25 but put in a Mirena since all my friends claim that getting tied will make me fat. I took out the Mirena and a year later I got pregnant. I thought that I couldn't have anymore children. oops. I love him a lot but I'm very overwhelmed because my other children is 13 and 17. He's 2yr old. He's quite a handful or maybe I've forgotten how babies are.

When my new OB/GYN told me I was "too old" to have any more..... I'm only 35!!!!

She said that based on my history-pre-eclampsia with my first DD, a HUGE ovarian cyst for the first trimester of my 2nd pregnancy nearly resulting in surgery while pregnant, severe endometriosis in which I had to have a softball sized endometrioma removed in February, and now being on BP meds for hereditary systolic hypertension.... I should stop while I'm ahead.

She told me I need to think about whether or not I've been blessed... if I feel I haven't, then she'd refer me to a high-risk OB/GYN....

I didn't appreciate that comment, but needless to say, DH is too concerned about my health to allow us to try for another....

I just thank God every day for my 2 precious DD's....

 

[disneymom2003]

I also asked this question But I asked my mom. Her answer was you will know. She was right. i did know.

I was married a t 16 and had 2 children. A boy and a girl. Perfect. I was divorced when my daughter was 5 and remarried when she was 8. My new husband did not have children and wanted a child. After 3 years of marriage we had a beautiful baby boy born on my sons 16 birthday. When my 3rd child was about 2 I asked my mom "when do you know you are done having babies?" She said "you just know" Well she was right when he was about 3 I found out I was pregnant again. I was so happy. I knew then I really wanted another one. My 4th baby was a girl and what a joy she was. When she was about 2 I told my mom "I now know I am done" That beautiful baby girl is now 18. My oldest and youngest never lived together. My son moved into his own place when I was pregnant with her. I am sooooo happy to have her. Yes my girls have really been a challenge for us, but she has been such a wonderful addition to our family and my youngest son adores her. I have had a child in my home for the last 36 years and I would not trade one day of it.

 

[Colleen27]

For those with 3 or more, do any of you work full time or are all of you SAHM? I have to work full time so I worry about paying for childcare for 3 kids!

I'm a SAHM, though I do work some from home. My three are far enough apart that childcare wouldn't be a huge expense if I were to go back to work, but I don't see that happening. I enjoy being home too much to go back to work unless it becomes absolutely necessary.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

This is a huge reason why I'm not sure 2 is enough for me or for my children. I'm the oldest of 3 sister's and a much younger half brother. My parent's have been divorced since basically my youngest sister was born, and we were always the constant in eachother's lives. There are no ppl. in this world that I am closer to or care more about (besides my kids) than my sister's, and I cherish all the memories we had as kids and still have. I really don't know where I would be without them, or how I would have made it through my life without them (and it's not that I had a bad life by any means.) I'm married and don't plan on getting divorced, but I don't think many ppl do but if something were to ever happen, or if god forbid something happened to me and my DH, I would be so scared that my kids wouldn't have anyone to share the grief/recovery ect. with. They would always have my family, but that's not the same, I think they need someone that's going through the same thing. I have a DS -6 and DD-18 months, and I just don't know if that is enough support for them. Someone else on this post made the comment about when you look around your table do you feel complete, and I think that's a great question, and I just don't think we feel complete, but boy do I hate being pregnant.

See, exactly the feelings I am talking about that I don't have. My family is the family I created with my DH. I was raised by my grandparents who I adore but beyond that I have no one. And that's OK, I have accepted that, but I wanted more for my kids. I tell them I had them as a gift to one another and I can't wait till they look back and see what I truly mean by that. Not taht they don't love each other, because they do, but I mean really feel how blessed they are to have each other. At least your kids have each other, that's such a blessing.

 

[ColleenG]

We have 4. We are DONE!! I know what OP means with the baby high. After #4 was born I was wanting one more. Some of it was I was hoping for another girl and in my sleep deprived state thought, sure I could handle one more. Well I must have had serious post partum brain damage! Now that #4 is a year old. There is no way I want another. Most days the ones I have are lucky to have survived the day. My sister is due in March with her third so any baby fix I need I'll borrow my nephew to be.

In some ways I would still love another girl, but more so DD would have a sister. At this point they would be so far apart in age that it probably wouldn't matter. And then she would have to share a room with a sister 7+ years younger than her.

If you aren't sure if you are done, don't do anything permanent.

 

[RMulieri]

I'll probably get some people angry at saying this, and it doesn't mean that this is at all your situation, but just food for thought. I am an only child. I led a very lonely childhood. I had lots of friends but at the end of the day when they did things with their families I was left out and alone. I have never gotten over the fact that I have no one to reminice with of childhood experiences and memories. I thought my wedding day was bad, no sister or brother to stand by me, but having kids was awful. I realized what I was missing when I had a baby. My DH's only brother died when I was pregnant with DD14 so our kids have no aunts, uncles or cousins. Like I said, i am sure there are happy only children, but it is something to think about. Not telling you what to do, but just a differeent side of things. I decided to have DD9 when a good friend died at a young age (early 40s) and I saw her 2 daughters lean on each other in the times following her death. I realized how much I needed to give my DD14 a family and get pregnant with DD9. DD6 was just a bonus, a blessing and a true gift to our family.

Again, this is only my experience...

I respect your opinion.I do. But this post makes me feel like I am an AWFUL person.be thankful you can give your child a sibling.I have a dd that is an only, not by choice ( if you read my post I have been advised not to, since I will wind up on a heart transplant list or worse).Given the choice I would have had more than one, god has chosen otherwise.
I am tired of having to listen to well meaning people from family to friends to strangers tell me how terrible a mom i am because my dd is an only.Adoption is simply not an option ( at least right now, and I am 35 yrs old next month) due to cost.I don't mean to unload on you, it just breaks my heart esp. since dd has been begging for a sibling.

 

[islangrl]

My biggest concern is that I am on my own a lot and enjoy getting out of the house and wonder if I will be able to do that with 3!

For those with 3 or more, do any of you work full time or are all of you SAHM? I have to work full time so I worry about paying for childcare for 3 kids!

If you have #3 within the next 2-3 years, then you probably wont get out much ! Maybe I am just lazy, but just getting everyone dressed is exhausting. Then all the carseats, snacks, and toys that you have to take along and still manage not to lose a kid...it's hard to do alone, but NOT impossible. Going to the grocery store (with all the kids) was the highlight of my week for awhile there! But, I must say I love having the size family that I do!
I did work outside the home until last year, right before my youngest's 2nd b-day. It was very hard to keep up with everything, laundry and cleaning especially. When it was 3 kids it was a little easier, but not too much. My husband tells me I am baby crazy, whenever I get near a little baby I want to have another. So, I just back away slowly, no physical contact with the baby or we are in big trouble. Good luck!

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I respect your opinion.I do. But this post makes me feel like I am an AWFUL person.be thankful you can give your child a sibling.I have a dd that is an only, not by choice ( if you read my post I have been advised not to, since I will wind up on a heart transplant list or worse).Given the choice I would have had more than one, god has chosen otherwise.
I am tired of having to listen to well meaning people from family to friends to strangers tell me how terrible a mom i am because my dd is an only.Adoption is simply not an option ( at least right now, and I am 35 yrs old next month) due to cost.I don't mean to unload on you, it just breaks my heart esp. since dd has been begging for a sibling.

I totally did not say that to make anyone feel bad for their choice (or not choice in your case.) I am just giving my experience, and I am sure it would not be the experience of every only child. I don't personally know any other "onlys" but me, so I cannot tell you others perspective. My situation is different in that I have only 2 cousins I really don't kow well and have not seen or spoken to in years, my extended family and taht of my husbands are not in our lives. The only real family outside of the 5 of us is my grandparents. I am sorry you were not able to give your daughter a sibling, (but happy that you were able to have her). The only thing I would say would make you an awful mother would be something like abandoning her (like my mom and DH's mom, lucky for me I got my wonderful grandparents poor DH got a evil woman to raise him,) which clearly you are too good of a mom to do that. If I may suggest to you that you make your family & friends bond srong ones, I wish I had had at least that. I have limited contact with my mom, my only aunt sends me an occasional e-mail joke or something, but speak to her maybe one a year on Christmas, my only uncle hasn't spoken to me in years (he still has not gotten over the fact that he was the "baby" till my grandparents had to take me in and raise me, he's in his 40s now and is still holding a grudge). My husband's only sibling died at the age of 25, so we have virtually no family for our kids so they truly needed each other. Family is so important (especially when you don't have much of it I think), so make sure she has strong family ties. (Just my opinions again of course!) Anyway, I am sorry. When I had my second my doctor said I should be happy with the 2 I had, and I was, so when I got pregnant with #3 I was very scared. It ended up being OK, I did need a follow up surgery a couple years later and may need more after that, but it was not life threatening and I was scared so I can't imagine the situation you'd be in and of course she is better of in a family with her mommy then without her!
Again, sorry if I offended you, that was never my intention. Just putting my personal experiences out there for people to consider IF they are trying to decide. I would never judge anotehr mom, it is a hard enough job without worring about what others think of you and there is certianly enough guilt (no matter what you do) without anyone adding more for you!
Take care...

 

[nikkers]

We just had our second baby 2 months ago. I always thought I would be done at 2, but lately I am considering having a 3rd. I'm not sure if I am on a baby high and I will change my mind later.

So, for those that families are complete, when did you know you were done? Was it before the birth of your last, right after the birth, or later on?

My hubby is a little older than me and we both have to work, so with the cost of childcare, I can't see having a third. But I don't want to regret it later!

Thanks for all of your input!

I knew I was done when I was pregnant with #2. I just knew. No regrets. My husband is 10 years older than me. He went in during my 3rd trimester and had a vasectomy. I had heard from several people you just know, and I did.

 

[LilGMom]

We knew we only wanted two children because most, if not all, of the rides at WDW will seat two people. We didn't want an 'odd man out' having to ride by themselves. Not to mention booking rooms and room categories go up when you hit five people. We did Family Planning WDW style.

 

[Poohbug]

I have not read every post yet so forgive if this is a repeat. If you don't know about being done yet then you are not done yet. It's one of those things that you just know.

I have three boys and people always ask when I am going to have a girl. I am done. No girls, no more babies and I am O.K. with that.

It doesn't hurt that I feel I am too old to be having more babies and three are enough work. I also went through numerous miscarriages and I don't want to deal with that again.

Funny enough when I was in the hospital with my third both the anesthesiologist and my OB asked when I was having the next one.

 

[delmar411]

I respect your opinion.I do. But this post makes me feel like I am an AWFUL person.be thankful you can give your child a sibling.I have a dd that is an only, not by choice ( if you read my post I have been advised not to, since I will wind up on a heart transplant list or worse).Given the choice I would have had more than one, god has chosen otherwise.
I am tired of having to listen to well meaning people from family to friends to strangers tell me how terrible a mom i am because my dd is an only.Adoption is simply not an option ( at least right now, and I am 35 yrs old next month) due to cost.I don't mean to unload on you, it just breaks my heart esp. since dd has been begging for a sibling.

No real advice your way for your family but did want to give you a hug Sometimes things are out of our control and maybe that's just the way they are supposed to be.

 

[delmar411]

As to the question at hand I am seriously struggling with this question right now. If someone handed me an infant right this second to raise I'd be thrilled. If I found out I was pregnant right this second I'd probably keel over in terror!

We cannot afford anymore kids at this moment. But I'm already 31 and before I know it I'll be hitting that magic number. We already have 4 kids. We are out of space in this house. We can't move from this house for at least 2 more years. I want our DVC to be paid off and this house to be mostly paid off (the house is cheaper than our DVC! ) before we sell. I already have one who is going into 6th grade next year. Over the next 3yrs all my little ones will enter school. So in 3yrs when I'd feel secure in having another I'd be 34. We'd be starting over completely and my oldest would be entering high school...that seems like too much and really not fair to my oldest DD.

I can't kill off the want though. I told DH I wanted more and he wants more. 2 more in fact. But then last week I told him I was done. It made me sick to say but unless something changes drastically in the next couple years I just don't see another child in our future.

Sorry for the rambling. This issue is on the front of my mind almost everyday now and I cannot come to any firm decision. I do not want anymore oops babies though. Both my boys are oops babies and while I love them to pieces I didn't get to enjoy those pregnancies and newborn stages as I was too busy taking care of my other babies.

 

[YellowMickeyPonchos]

I have three boys and people always ask when I am going to have a girl. I am done. No girls, no more babies and I am O.K. with that.

I hate that! I get the reverse because I have 2 girls - when are you going to have your boy! Gak! - I hate the macho cultures that dictates that if you don't have a boy, then you are shameful to your family! Who do you think has to be around in order continue the species and to give birth to all the little boys out there? Boys aren't going to be able to do it!

I get the funniest looks from those same folks, when I say that my husband preferred that we have our girls! He is really the best Little Girl Daddy in the World!!!!