OT: What would you do (re: a wedding)

[Lindsay22]

I think anyone who has a destination wedding understands that people will not be able to come. (I am having a disney wedding and I understand that some of my family members won't come) My thought on this is that the SIL doesn't EXPECT you to come, pay alot of $$ give a gift, etc. She's undoubtedly aware that you have kids and it'll cost a lot. I think that the mother is not using her head.
For example. My sister also had a disney weddding. One of my uncle's couldn't come. (He has 4 kids and his wife doesn't work) My mother FLIPPED out at him. She sent back his Christmas card. Did she overreact? Yes. But she felt that everyone should attend her daughters wedding. (I have told her that under no circumstances is she to pull a stunt like that for my wedding)

If you can't go, don't. Make sure that you call the day of the wedding and send good vibes and remind them that you are thinking of them. Send a card, send a gift ask for pictures. The end.

 

[RumpleMom]

Just within the last 2 weeks, Dear Abby or Ann Landers ( I can't remember the current name of the person who writes the newspaper advice column), had a great reply for destination wedding invitations.

Basically, she said that these weddings are usually done by people who have already been living together, are self-absorbed to begin with and think their wedding is the most special happening in the history of the world. They have no regard for the amount of money it would take for their guests to attend and do not consider that people just might not want to spend their vacation time from work for their wedding. She said for these people to think of their family first.

Maybe you could Google the column? It was in the Pittsburgh Tribune Review.

Oh, and let your husband handle all communication with his family. If you don't say anything, then it can't be held against you. If he says something they don't like, he has a chance to be forgiven in the future. You will pay forever!

 

[tlbwriter]

Just within the last 2 weeks, Dear Abby or Ann Landers ( I can't remember the current name of the person who writes the newspaper advice column), had a great reply for destination wedding invitations.

Carolyn Hax had a recent column as well:
http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcon...N-hax_0801liv.ART.State.Edition1.4dabca9.html

Time and money can be as precious as rubies, especially at this cultural moment, and people don't appreciate being asked to part with these rubies just because a Midwestern backyard wedding doesn't seem as special as the couple fancy themselves.

 

[thegrimdwarf]

I haven't read all the responses, so I may be saying something already said.

First off, I think it's unfair for you to call the bride "selfish" for having her wedding on the opposite side of the country from you. It's her day, and her decision, and the whereabout of her guests and/or their travel issues shouldn't be her concern. You've stated that she's 30, and been living abroad for a number of years - so clearly she doesn't feel tied down to your side of Canada. Or maybe she wants a small affair, and figures this is the best way to go about it.

That said, any bride who opts for a destination wedding needs to understand that her guest in attendance will be far less than if she had a home turf wedding. I see nothing wrong with just your husband going, and it's unfortunate that your ILs feel that's not acceptable. If they continue to make an issue, I would simply send regrets for the entire family and just forward a gift.

I also think that sending it in an email was a bad call. Your husband should have handled it with a phone call. That's a rule in our marriage - he deals with issues on his side, I handle my side, and we NEVER cross lines. And emailing about a sensitive issue is always a bad idea as far as I'm concerned. It's way too easy for someone to take something the wrong way, and if you're not speaking to each other, there's no way to detect that in someone's tone.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Doesn't sound like a fun situation. Congrats to the happy couple, though! I hope the infighting doesn't ruin her excitement.

 

[brandylouwho]

I think anyone who has a destination wedding understands that people will not be able to come. (I am having a disney wedding and I understand that some of my family members won't come) My thought on this is that the SIL doesn't EXPECT you to come, pay alot of $$ give a gift, etc. She's undoubtedly aware that you have kids and it'll cost a lot. I think that the mother is not using her head.
For example. My sister also had a disney weddding. One of my uncle's couldn't come. (He has 4 kids and his wife doesn't work) My mother FLIPPED out at him. She sent back his Christmas card. Did she overreact? Yes. But she felt that everyone should attend her daughters wedding. (I have told her that under no circumstances is she to pull a stunt like that for my wedding)

If you can't go, don't. Make sure that you call the day of the wedding and send good vibes and remind them that you are thinking of them. Send a card, send a gift ask for pictures. The end.

I so agree that people don't (or should not) expect others to attend weddings, especially when they are destination weddings or held far away from where the guest lives. But people (esp brides and their moms) often get very caught up in all the wedding hoopla and think because it is such an important day for them, that it should be for everyone. (I am a bridesmaid for a friend this Oct and it has been insane, I never thought she was thoughtless or shelfish until now--I am hoping it is just a quest for the "perfect wedding" issue and that bridezilla will disappear after her big day).

Money is a big deal and it if the OP cannot afford the expense of the trip--then she doesn't go. She is doing nothing wrong. In fact, she is being responsible to her own family.

My BIL is getting married (well, remarried for a 3rd time, but that is an entirely different issue) in Vegas this week. We are not going. At first I had wanted to, but we have 2 little kids (and no one to really leave them with for several days) and already had a mega Disney trip ($$$) planned for this year before they were even engaged. Turns out I got laid off a couple of weeks ago. We are soo glad we didn't try to stretch our budget & go to Vegas for this wedding!

We aren't getting too much flack for it. And if we did I'd tell them where to shove it. We'll still get them a gift and celebrate with them informally back home.


I would just try to be very sweet to the bride and be in contact with her regarding my regrets (but without bringing up MILs reaction and dragging the bride into the drama).

Good luc and I am so sorry you are stuck in this drama.

 

[tlbwriter]

And emailing about a sensitive issue is always a bad idea as far as I'm concerned.

True, but this really shouldn't have been a sensitive issue. I think the OP went way overboard in her e-mail (it should have been a simple "Sounds lovely, but it would be a major trip for us, and we don't yet know if we have the money or vacation time available") but even then, it shouldn't have been a sensitive issue. Some family members won't be able to make the trip. Anyone who cannot accept needs to get over it, or offer to pay their way.

 

[abdmom]

I agree with much that has already been posted. Definitely, dh should be the one to discuss this with his sister. Family, especially the mother of the bride, tend to get very emotional about weddings. It's VERY easy to offend them. DH needs to do some damage control. He needs to call up mom and have a good talk. He shouldn't be dodging her calls by saying that he'll talk to you and then call her back. It makes it seem that it was YOUR call and not his. The fact that the email was sent by you and includes several "I" statments reinforces the impression that it was you that made the decision. (I understand that you weren't but I'm trying to give you how it looks from their perspective.)

If dh's sister has been living in Australia and his family is from there, it seems to me that she has made an extra effort to accomodate dh's side of the family in holding her wedding in Vancouver. Vancouver is much closer to Ontario than Australia is. It seems like her fiance's family will have to fly much further than they are asking you to. Again, from their perspective, they have already made the effort to hold the wedding "in your backyard", and you still won't come. Perhaps they are feeling that they should just hold it in Australia in that case.

Of course, I have no idea how many other siblings dh has. If it is only sis and dh, that is a big deal. If there are 8 others, not so much. But, I agree with those who have said that for a sibling's wedding, you should really make the extra effort.

 

[momtoBrandon&Jacob]

OK, you asked for opinions and I’ll give you mine. And I’m not reading replies before I post.

It’s a wedding, not a birthday party. This is a special event and she wants all her family there. What is wrong with that? Quite frankly, my stance on this is suck it up and go. This is (supposed to be) a once-in-a-lifetime event and you have no objection to the marriage itself. It is your DH’s sister, not a cousin or a college roommate. It is your children’s aunt; a bond divorce or death would never break. I don’t care about the distance (of the wedding or her current residence), it is the relationship. You find a way to afford it.

Of course, I’m assuming you have time to save up and give up other things (lunch out, coffee, movie rentals, etc). If it is truly a money issue, talk (IN PERSON, email was tacky under these circumstances) and maybe the in-laws (DH's sister or parents) might help out in some way. A loan? I also suggest that your DH (it's HIS family) do it and you stay out of it.

JMHO

I have to disagree with the above statement about a loan. I'm sorry but if you need to take out a loan just to attend a wedding, then you should not be attending.

 

[tzolkin]

OK, you asked for opinions and I’ll give you mine. And I’m not reading replies before I post.

It’s a wedding, not a birthday party. This is a special event and she wants all her family there. What is wrong with that? Quite frankly, my stance on this is suck it up and go. This is (supposed to be) a once-in-a-lifetime event and you have no objection to the marriage itself. It is your DH’s sister, not a cousin or a college roommate. It is your children’s aunt; a bond divorce or death would never break. I don’t care about the distance (of the wedding or her current residence), it is the relationship. You find a way to afford it.

Of course, I’m assuming you have time to save up and give up other things (lunch out, coffee, movie rentals, etc). If it is truly a money issue, talk (IN PERSON, email was tacky under these circumstances) and maybe the in-laws (DH's sister or parents) might help out in some way. A loan? I also suggest that your DH (it's HIS family) do it and you stay out of it.

JMHO

I understand what you're saying about the importance of the event, but I really don't think it's fair to assume that someone can just "find a way to afford" attending an event that will cost several thousands of dollars. What about a family that makes under $20K a year? I could never expect them to come up with $4K to attend a wedding by cutting out little expenses-- no matter how important it was for them to attend.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

I definitely think that your husband should of been the one to call his sister to say that his family couldn't make it.

It is her wedding, (hopefully a once in a lifetime thing) and therefore it should be where she choses. She can't force people to attend but as her brother he really needs to take the lead here to reach out to her if the decision was made not to attend. He's not a distant relative that she may of written off as not coming ..he is her brother.

If the grandparents or the sister really wanted her neices and nephews to be there or be in the wedding..maybe they will pay their way...

He should do what he can make amends with his family and find a solution that works quickly, so it doesn't cause unnecessary drama to interfer with this very exciting time for her.


Good Luck

 

[tlbwriter]

I understand what you're saying about the importance of the event, but I really don't think it's fair to assume that someone can just "find a way to afford" attending an event that will cost several thousands of dollars. What about a family that makes under $20K a year? I could never expect them to come up with $4K to attend a wedding by cutting out little expenses-- no matter how important it was for them to attend.

I agree. It's way out of line to demand that people do whatever it takes to attend a faraway wedding, no matter what their relationship. Obviously SIL is entitled to have her wedding where she wants, and I see that it's easier for her Canadian family to travel to Vancouver than to Australia. But it still might be impossible for them to do so (and no, I would never suggest they borrow money for it!), so the ILs just have to accept that this is the case. The ILs are the only ones behaving rudely in this scenario.

 

[dzorn]

I would personally talk to your SIL, not your inlaws because, it is not their wedding. Explain to her your concerns with the money and how you will have two children in daycare when you go back to work and that you may not have the money for all of you to go to the wedding and that it may just be your husband attending. If she can't understand that, then it is on her, not you. You have explained yourself and your financial situation and why you can the kids cannot attend and if that is not good enough, then there is really nothing else you can do.

Good advise except I would have DH do it after all it is his sister not yours.

Denise in MI

 

[rt2dz]

I have to disagree with the above statement about a loan. I'm sorry but if you need to take out a loan just to attend a wedding, then you should not be attending.

I do agree. However, more what I was thinking is the OP and her family pay what they can and the in-laws would help with the rest with a payback whenever you can, if you can type of thing. Really, I was thinking the in-laws wouldn't want them to take out a loan and would be more willing to just help.

After all, it isn't just any wedding. This is not a co-worker. It is not a friend. It is not a cousin. It is the OP's DH's sister. I don't know, maybe I'm just closer to my family? Even the sister I don't like whose destination wedding I went to when we were barely on speaking terms. She was still my sister, and things change. I have no regrets having gone, and I'm pretty sure I would have regretted not going.

When I got married, I wanted a destination wedding badly. DH and I met through mutual friends when vacationing. It just happened and is really odd we hadn't met at home sooner. It is where he proposed to me down the line when we were vacationing together. I wanted to be married there. But, I knew DH's family could not attend--money and time off--if we did have the wedding there. My parents offered to pay for DH's parents, grandmothers, siblings, and niece to attend if that is what I really wanted. I declined because I knew DH would want the cousins he grew up with to be there too. And the aunts he was close to.

But for the OPs SIL things are a little different. SIL family is in Canada. Future BIL family is in Australia. No matter where she gets married, it is a destination wedding for at least 50%. Maybe this is kind of a compromise; no playing favorites.

 

[rt2dz]

I understand what you're saying about the importance of the event, but I really don't think it's fair to assume that someone can just "find a way to afford" attending an event that will cost several thousands of dollars. What about a family that makes under $20K a year? I could never expect them to come up with $4K to attend a wedding by cutting out little expenses-- no matter how important it was for them to attend.

I agree. It's way out of line to demand that people do whatever it takes to attend a faraway wedding, no matter what their relationship. Obviously SIL is entitled to have her wedding where she wants, and I see that it's easier for her Canadian family to travel to Vancouver than to Australia. But it still might be impossible for them to do so (and no, I would never suggest they borrow money for it!), so the ILs just have to accept that this is the case. The ILs are the only ones behaving rudely in this scenario.

Well, put it this way. I assume a wedding on a different continent would take a bit of time to plan--at least a year. And I don't think it needs to be only little things. But let’s say the OP and her DH each spend $2 on coffee M-F, we’re obviously not talking Starbucks or other designer coffee, so I believe this is a conservative estimate. Heck, a Coke is $1.34. That alone is $1040 to the trip; that’s 25% of $4K just from coffee. There are always ways to cut expenses—at home and while traveling.

The OP could look at options other than a traditional hotel. The OP only has to fly if she can’t get the vacation time. Driving, even with current gas prices, is cheaper. It also doesn’t have to be a weeklong trip. Hotel for 2 nights could cost way under $500, yes I did check. Five stars isn’t necessary, imo, but I didn't go with slum motels either. Disney isn't the only place there are a million little ways to cut costs. I'm also assuming that if the OP is on a Disney board, she at least occasionally visits Disney. If someone could find the money for a Disney vacation, I think they could find the way for a wedding of a close family member.

Again, just my opinion. The OP and her DH will do whatever they feel is best, and nothing wrong with that.

 

[Ellester]

The OP only has to fly if she can’t get the vacation time. Driving, even with current gas prices, is cheaper. It also doesn’t have to be a weeklong trip. Hotel for 2 nights could cost way under $500, yes I did check.

It appears to be a 2500+ mile trip, each way. That would be at least 10 days of driving, plus meals and hotels. It might still be cheaper, but I would hesitate suggesting that long of a road trip with two young kids.

I agree that every effort should be made to attend, but I know if it was us there is no way we could swing it without going into debt (which I would be very against). I would probably try to find a way to get DH there and send a nice gift. I think your DH having a heart to heart with his sister is the best suggestion.

 

[Miss LD]

First of all, as far as using e-mail goes, I agree it's not the best form of communication. The reason I used e-mail is because that's what his family prefers. At one point MIL said to DH "if you have concerns put it in an e-mail so I can discuss it with DS". Tacky, yes. But, whatever. In hindsight he probably should have been the one to make a phone call, but he's pretty passive and it wouldn't get said, and from my perspective I felt I should make it clear pretty early on.
As far as the destination. It has nothing to do with being kind of half way. The price difference for people flying from Australia here will be balanced by the fact that he has family near hers (that's how they met) and any of his family members who came over would have somewhere to stay so there would be no hotel costs associated.
As far as it being selfish, I think it is. She's never been there, and is expecting her parents to plan a huge part of it for her also having never been there. Quite honestly, if you really want to go somewhere, why not go for your honeymoon there and have the wedding close to home (be it Australia or Ontario).
As far as getting a loan, if we need to borrow money in order for DH to go I'd consider that. For just him to attend I'm sure we could afford it by buckling down more - putting in extra hours, etc. But, a loan of thousands of dollars for our entire family to go somewhere I have a problem with. To put it in perspective, we make an effort with SIL. We send her pictures (both snail mail and e-mail) and never get a response. When DS was first talking we taught him to say her name and "Australia" and stuff and made a video of it. Her response was to call her mom and say he speaks illegibly. Every year we send Christmas gifts and birthday gifts and she doesn't send us any. That's fine, but a card or a thank you note (even by e-mail) would be nice. But nothing. So, to expect us to then shell out thousands ... I don't get it.
And, yes, DH has both called and e-mailed her about this. There's just been no response except for her to call her mom who sends the message through to us.
I guess if she worked at the relationship or acknowledged us I'd care more.

 

[janets]

DH's brother had a destination wedding. He talked with us about it prior to picking the place, asking if we would be able to attend if he had it there (it was in the Bahamas). We told him that frankly, we could not do it. We had a small child (ds#1 was only 2 or so then), I worked full time and it was just too much money for us to handle.

Well, he went ahead and did it anyway. Knowing that his only brother might not come. DH has a small family (his dad passed years ago, only his mom, no other siblings) and this wedding make it so that basically, there was no one there but his future wife's family (her parents agreed to pay for the wedding if they had it there, as they have a house there and live there most of the time). BIL couldn't pass up the offer of not paying for his own wedding so he decided that was more important than having the people who are closest to you come.

We did manage to get DH there (along with his mother and her best friend who came along to help her out). The bride's family cut MIL out of everything (she was walking him down the aisle, but they told her that she didn't need to be at the rehearsal, no one bothered to be sure she had a ride to the ceremony, etc.). And BIL didn't seem to care at all.

In the end, I'm glad ds and I didn't bother to go. At only 2, he never would have been able to sit through the ceremony and I would have probably spent it outside keeping him happy. And the same for the reception. So I would have spent a fortune to not even "be" at the wedding. And in the end, BIL didn't care that not a single friend showed up.

You've heard it all about destination weddings. Bottom line, you need DH to contact his family and tell them that this is the decision and not to make it seem as if you hav to approve. It's lovely of him to not make a decision about which you haven't been consulted, but when he does that, it makes it seem as if you are the deciding factor.

 

[tlbwriter]

Well, put it this way. I assume a wedding on a different continent would take a bit of time to plan--at least a year. And I don't think it needs to be only little things. But let’s say the OP and her DH each spend $2 on coffee M-F, we’re obviously not talking Starbucks or other designer coffee, so I believe this is a conservative estimate. Heck, a Coke is $1.34. That alone is $1040 to the trip; that’s 25% of $4K just from coffee.

That's an interesting assumption. Not everyone spends $2 a day on coffee (I know I don't). Now, if the OP wants to cut back in order to attend this wedding, that's fine. My issue is with anyone demanding that she do so.

The OP could look at options other than a traditional hotel.

Camping?

If someone could find the money for a Disney vacation, I think they could find the way for a wedding of a close family member.

Well, that's the crux of the argument. Personally, I think even if the OP won the lottery tomorrow and could afford a trip to WDW every week, no one has the right to badger her to attend this wedding. It's an invitation, not a summons.

 

[Miss LD]

Well, put it this way. I assume a wedding on a different continent would take a bit of time to plan--at least a year. And I don't think it needs to be only little things. But let’s say the OP and her DH each spend $2 on coffee M-F, we’re obviously not talking Starbucks or other designer coffee, so I believe this is a conservative estimate. Heck, a Coke is $1.34. That alone is $1040 to the trip; that’s 25% of $4K just from coffee. There are always ways to cut expenses—at home and while traveling.

The OP could look at options other than a traditional hotel. The OP only has to fly if she can’t get the vacation time. Driving, even with current gas prices, is cheaper. It also doesn’t have to be a weeklong trip. Hotel for 2 nights could cost way under $500, yes I did check. Five stars isn’t necessary, imo, but I didn't go with slum motels either. Disney isn't the only place there are a million little ways to cut costs. I'm also assuming that if the OP is on a Disney board, she at least occasionally visits Disney. If someone could find the money for a Disney vacation, I think they could find the way for a wedding of a close family member.

Again, just my opinion. The OP and her DH will do whatever they feel is best, and nothing wrong with that.

Okay. I will have a one year old and 5 year old. A 10 day drive is out of the question because DH has 2 weeks of vacation (one he takes at Christmas) and we have an older van which would not take the wear and tear. Not to mention that I would never.
In addition we are paying a nanny so if we go on vacation we are paying a salary whether we are there or not.
I have 3 weeks vacation, but only go back to work after a year of mat leave, in February. She's planning the wedding for summer - sometime - and since I've been off for a year I will most definitely not have 1st choice on vacation weeks.
As far as a Disney vacation. Yes, we do like Disney. However, the way that we got there this summer was by saving money and my parents have a timeshare so we travelled with them and my sister's family. We did not eat all of our meals out and since we planned so far in advance instead of birthday and Christmas gifts my parents helped pay for the flights and tickets. All the kids gifts were also Disney themed/things they would need.
We planned our trip for about 18 months. And I have no apologies for that.
A Disney vacation is a special thing for children and they treasure the memories.
Also, as far as all the sacrifices go, in order to afford being on mat leave I do make those sacrifices. I rarely buy coffee out. And, to afford child care again those are things we do on a regular basis.

 

[crisi]

Carolyn Hax had a recent column as well:
http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcon...N-hax_0801liv.ART.State.Edition1.4dabca9.html

I love Carolyn Hax. And this is a good one.

Well, that's the crux of the argument. Personally, I think even if the OP won the lottery tomorrow and could afford a trip to WDW every week, no one has the right to badger her to attend this wedding. It's an invitation, not a summons.

Unless she is the Queen of England (are Canadians still subjects of the Queen?) this is exactly right.

It took my mother 20 years to discover the value of the advice given here - when giving bad news to your in-laws about your ability to do something for them or with their family, always have it come from their kid, not the DIL/SIL. Keeps you from becoming the bad guy.

Love my mother in law - but telling her no (and yes) is my husband's deal, not mine.