OT What would you do? NEED ADVICE ASAP!!!

[MOMTOMOOTOO]

Hi TiggerLovin,
I'm going to say something not -so-nice here, but I'm intending in the vein of tough love, not flaming you.

I think you need to step back out of your DD's business and ease off on all the support you're giving her and your DGS. I know you love him. I just know tons of parents like you that have raised children who depend on you far too long into adulthood. Your DD has a rediculious custody agreement. She needs to be parenting her child 100% on the days she has him, or re-negotaite. I understand if you want to watch DGS during the time she's working, but she should be doing all the drop off/pick up, all the interacting with her ex, and not leaving the poor child with you two of her four days. She needs to be there for her kid. If you don't force her a little now and set some limits, she'll never get to be as independant as she should be. just my opinion.

To answer your actual question- yes you were right to tell your DD, I'd have mentioned it to her ex, though, too. Yes, you're right to set limits. You are volunteers, not slaves.

Very well said.

Your dd needs to take responsibility and either rearrange her work schedule or rearange her visitation. Too many people "raising" one little boy has got be confusing for the child. You may feel you are doing the right thing but in fact you are enabling this screwy situtation. Good luck!

 

[pixiewings71]

This is what I would do. I would move Heaven and earth to get DGD out of a situation that could be dangerous.




ITA. I would have given my SIL a heads up that the child had gotten his razor. I would nto want my SIL to think that as a caregiver of my GC I was also trying to set him up as a bad parent. That would be one good way of having him try to bar me from his home. Better to be given access and know what is going on than to be honking from the driveway and speculating.

Just to clarify, it wasn't the SIL watching the DGS, it was his father, or that's how I read it. DGS's other grandparent watches him for 3 hours on Monday morning until the OP can pick up DGS.

Hi TiggerLovin,
I'm going to say something not -so-nice here, but I'm intending in the vein of tough love, not flaming you.

I think you need to step back out of your DD's business and ease off on all the support you're giving her and your DGS. I know you love him. I just know tons of parents like you that have raised children who depend on you far too long into adulthood. Your DD has a rediculious custody agreement. She needs to be parenting her child 100% on the days she has him, or re-negotaite. I understand if you want to watch DGS during the time she's working, but she should be doing all the drop off/pick up, all the interacting with her ex, and not leaving the poor child with you two of her four days. She needs to be there for her kid. If you don't force her a little now and set some limits, she'll never get to be as independant as she should be. just my opinion.

To answer your actual question- yes you were right to tell your DD, I'd have mentioned it to her ex, though, too. Yes, you're right to set limits. You are volunteers, not slaves.

I completely disagree. I think it's wonderful for the OP to help her DD care for DGS. I live hundreds of miles from family and it's so hard to find someone you trust to care for your children. I can only imagine how much stress is taken off the OP's DD's shoulders knowing her DS is cared for every day. OP I think you should continue to do all you can to support your DD in this and I think she's blessed to have you, as is DGS! You did do the right thing by telling your DD, she does need to know these things. And no, you should not cater to SIL, he needs to put his child first, there is no standard, it's the safety of DGS and that's it. Obviously SIL and his father do not have the same thoughts towards safety and that should be documented. Good luck, I hope your DD is able to perhaps change her custody agreement so she can have DGS on the weekends as well, that hardly seems fair, especially if soon to be XSIL considers that his "party time".

 

[Lstar311]

Thank goodness you told you DD about DGS shaving!!! A 2 year old should definitely not be near a razor, I can't believe that there are adults out there who would think that it is ok.

I'd probably go over early to pick him up just to be sure he is safe.

I've read some of your other posts you sound like a great grandma!

 

[Colleen27]

Every other weekend and Wednesday nights are the most common. He has every weekend including all day Friday.

This arrangement is doomed to fail, especially when school starts. They live 30 minutes apart; most likely different schools. So on Monday he goes school from Dad's then T-TH from Mom's and then F from Dads.

I agree. True 50/50 custody is, IMO, an exercise in PC futility. It can only work in such a very, very narrow set of circumstances that it isn't a good precedent to set.

 

[sashagiselle]

I totally think you are a wonderful mother and grandmother, but maybe a little too involved, your DD needs to take the reins. I don't think its your battle to fight, any changes or arrangements need to be made by your DD and SIL. My parents live out of the country and while I would LOVE their help, I am glad that I am 100% responsible for my children and right now instead of grandparents it sounds like you are co-parents with your DD. My sincere best wishes as you seem like such a lovely person!

 

[bunny]

And no, you should not cater to SIL, he needs to put his child first, there is no standard, it's the safety of DGS and that's it. Obviously SIL and his father do not have the same thoughts towards safety and that should be documented. Good luck, I hope your DD is able to perhaps change her custody agreement so she can have DGS on the weekends as well, that hardly seems fair, especially if soon to be XSIL considers that his "party time".

When should the father have visitation? Unfortunately when you get divorced, you must share time with the other parent. You also are not free to judge how the other parent spends their time with your child. As long as the child is not abused, you don't have a say in what is happening when the other person has visitation.

If the father wants visitation, don't take it anyway from him. There are too many kids growing up without fathers. In this case, both of the parents sound a little immature. The mom should try to rearrange her work schedule, so her long days working are on the days she doesn't have custody. Or she could have Friday night and he could have Saturday night. She might be partying too but be lucky that she doesn't have to worry about taking care of her kid while doing it.

 

[*pixie*dust*]

Hi TiggerLovin,
I'm going to say something not -so-nice here, but I'm intending in the vein of tough love, not flaming you.

I think you need to step back out of your DD's business and ease off on all the support you're giving her and your DGS. I know you love him. I just know tons of parents like you that have raised children who depend on you far too long into adulthood. Your DD has a rediculious custody agreement. She needs to be parenting her child 100% on the days she has him, or re-negotaite. I understand if you want to watch DGS during the time she's working, but she should be doing all the drop off/pick up, all the interacting with her ex, and not leaving the poor child with you two of her four days. She needs to be there for her kid. If you don't force her a little now and set some limits, she'll never get to be as independant as she should be. just my opinion.

To answer your actual question- yes you were right to tell your DD, I'd have mentioned it to her ex, though, too. Yes, you're right to set limits. You are volunteers, not slaves.

I have to agree. You are WAY too involved on all of this. Your daughter has to learn to work with and cope with her ex. It is inappropriate for you to be put in this position. I know you are doing it out of love for DD and DGS but in the long run both will suffer for DD not taking care of her own life.

 

[bunny]

I agree. True 50/50 custody is, IMO, an exercise in PC futility. It can only work in such a very, very narrow set of circumstances that it isn't a good precedent to set.

Your opinions might change if you were the father. In a traditional setup where the father only gets custody every other weekend, he gets to see his children 6 days a month. He certainly isn't co-parenting when he goes for almost 2 weeks without seeing them.

I think it is great the courts are now ordering 50/50 custody. Children need both parents not just their mother. It is nice that fathers are being viewed as more than just a paycheck. Twenty years ago that wasn't the case, so it is good to see that the system is evolving.

 

[Colleen27]

My husband would have loved to have custody during the week. Due to the distance, we only got holidays and the summer. It was impossible to develop a routine. Believe it or not, some fathers love to be involved. My husband cherishes picking up our kids after school, doing homework, reading them stories before bed, taking them to sports practices, etc. (things he never got to do with his older kids). We did a lot of the "fun" things with the older ones but we didn't really get to experience their lives.

I don't doubt that many fathers would love to be more involved. I'm not making a judgment on the willingness or ability of fathers to be equal parents, just on the general approach of the courts in regard to custody. It is presumed in most cases that 1) the mother will handle most of the business of living and 2) the mother will rearrange her career to accommodate the children, while the father can fully commit to his career knowing that he only has to be responsible for the children on weekends.

 

[Colleen27]

Your opinions might change if you were the father. In a traditional setup where the father only gets custody every other weekend, he gets to see his children 6 days a month. He certainly isn't co-parenting when he goes for almost 2 weeks without seeing them.

I think it is great the courts are now ordering 50/50 custody. Children need both parents not just their mother. It is nice that fathers are being viewed as more than just a paycheck. Twenty years ago that wasn't the case, so it is good to see that the system is evolving.

Custody agreements aren't supposed to be about the parents, though. They're supposed to be about the children, and 50/50 custody is rarely a workable solution for the children. It takes parents who have an excellent level of cooperation and communication as well as a commitment to maintaining close physical proximity, and few divorcing couples can handle that. There's no way to do long term 50/50 custody in cases like the OP's DD's, where the parents live a half hour apart, both have to work to support the child, and one has already proven to be inflexible about scheduling, without the child suffering. Sure, maybe they can find a way to work out school transportation when the child is with the out-of-district parent, but where does that leave the child when it comes to friends, sports, afterschool activities, etc?

Kids do need both parents but they also need stability in the rest of their lives, and except in the very best of situations, 50/50 custody undermines that.

 

[bunny]

Custody agreements aren't supposed to be about the parents, though. They're supposed to be about the children, and 50/50 custody is rarely a workable solution for the children. It takes parents who have an excellent level of cooperation and communication as well as a commitment to maintaining close physical proximity, and few divorcing couples can handle that. There's no way to do long term 50/50 custody in cases like the OP's DD's, where the parents live a half hour apart, both have to work to support the child, and one has already proven to be inflexible about scheduling, without the child suffering. Sure, maybe they can find a way to work out school transportation when the child is with the out-of-district parent, but where does that leave the child when it comes to friends, sports, afterschool activities, etc?

Kids do need both parents but they also need stability in the rest of their lives, and except in the very best of situations, 50/50 custody undermines that.

I agree, but the courts need to realize the father should be equally evaluated in terms of being the custodial parent. Now all things being equal, the mother is the custodial parent. Also in the OP's DD's case, what is the original custody arrangement? It seems odd that the pickup time would be 10 AM on a Monday which is typically a workday. Maybe the father is already extending the normal pickup time to accomodate the mom's schedule.

 

[Colleen27]

I agree, but the courts need to realize the father should be equally evaluated in terms of being the custodial parent. Now all things being equal, the mother is the custodial parent. Also in the OP's DD's case, what is the original custody arrangement? It seems odd that the pickup time would be 10 AM on a Monday which is typically a workday. Maybe the father is already extending the normal pickup time to accomodate the mom's schedule.

I agree. However, around here at least, the thing that the court looks at first is who has been the primary caregiver, and usually that is the mother. I do know of a few cases where the father was the more hands-on caregiver and got primary custody, but those men were working against a whole lot of precedent and against biases created in part because so many men are content with so little in the way of parenting time.

As far as the OP's situation, I believe they agreed to the terms of their arrangement privately as part of the separation agreement. The whole situation is a mess all the way around, IMO, and that little boy is so blessed to have grandparents looking out for him while his parents struggle with resolving their relationship.