OT - trying to explain why "gay" isn't a "bad word" to ds6

[tinkerbeth]

Hello....

I hope this isn't too OT and I'm not offending anyone.

We are a heterosexual family and we want to raise our son to be an inclusive person and celebrate differences while he understands that equal doesn't always mean sameness. (Not too much to ask of a 6 year old... )

Anyways, my son's name is Gabe. One day he came home and said that a girl at school was calling him "Gay" in the context of saying, "Your name is Gay. Gay, gay gay gay, etc." I said, Well that's a strange thing for her to say because that's not your name. Your name is Gabe. He said, "Well Gay is a bad word." I said, No it isn't buddy and he asked me what it means.

So this is what I told him and I'd appreciate feedback about whether I'm putting him on the right track here.

I said, well, you know how most of the time, a girl marries a boy and a boy marries a girl? He said "Yeah.". I said, okay, so Gay means that a boy marries a boy or a girl marries a girl. And it's not bad, it's just different. God makes everyone different and everyone is just right how God made them. But when you use the word Gay to put people down, then you're making fun of those people who are gay and it's not nice to make fun of people who are different, just like we don't make fun of kids with special needs or people whose skin is a different colour. It's just not nice so we don't do it. So if that girl does that again, just say, "That's not a nice thing to say" and walk away or tell a teacher.

(I also wrote a note to the teacher explaining the situation.)

What do you think? From what I read before I posted this, there are some amazing people on this board and I'd love some feedback.

Thanks.

 

[AmandaSparks730]

Aww really, we're amazing?

I think you did the right thing. In fact, a story myself:

My grandma was talking to my 7-year-old cousin on Valentine's Day and he said that "two boys in my class LIKE each other and gave each other valentines! THAT'S NOT RIGHT!!"



My grandma said to let my aunt and uncle handle that one.
I was like "whoa" when she said that because well, I'd just come out as bi, and it kinda scared me.

 

[TuckandStuiesMom]

Tinkerbeth --

I think your response was 1000% perfect and we are blessed to have one more "amazing" person (you! ) posting here! Welcome!

 

[Wit]

tinkerbeth - I agree with TuckandStuiesMom. Perfect thing to say!


If more parents had this talk with their children, the amount of bigotry and just plain ignorance would be SO dramatically lessened. Acceptance or tolerance, and understanding has to stem from parents. And how lucky your children are to have you!

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Not only did you give an excellent description to your son, but following up with a note to the teacher was perfect. The classroom needs to be aware that name calling is not acceptable.

Thank you for being such a wonderfully responsible parent.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I am just another person chiming in to say it sounds like you did a fantastic job speaking with your son about this

 

[Timon-n-Pumbaa Fan]

I think that you did a great job in explaining it to your son.

If you wanted to diversify his reading material a bit, you might want to check out some of the book titles listed here....
http://www.glsen.org/cgi-bin/iowa/educator/library/record/27.html

Thanks for being an open minded parent. Your efforts help us all to live in a kinder world.

Edited to add: Your son's school might want to adopt No Name Calling Week in 2009. http://www.nonamecallingweek.org/cgi-bin/iowa/home.html

 

[rosiep]

Bravo!!

When my children were very little my best friend brought a girlfriend to my home who appeared very masculine and who's name was Vinnie. The girls asked if she was a man or a woman and it was the perfect opportunity to explain that all manner of love was a good thing and that my friend loved Vinnie who just happened to be a woman. I also told them they could grow up to love whomever they wanted to too.

 

[PghLybrt]

I think what you said and did was great! With more education out there maybe we can out an end to these horrible things like the murder of Lawrence King.
http://www.advocate.com/issue_story_ektid52656.asp

 

[starbox]

We told our kids (and as a teacher, I tell my students) that hate language of any kind is not tolerated. 99% of the time, kids use the term "gay" as a synonym for "stupid". Calling something gay (especially for little kids) is the same in their minds as calling it stupid. Both kids attend schools where they have plenty of classmates with two mommies or daddies - but elementary age kids still ignorantly use the word "gay" thinking it means "dumb".

So, we've explained to our kids that "gay" should never be used as a synonym for "stupid" because it's a form of hate language. They take it very seriously and take it upon themselves to tell their classmates that they should not use hate language.

 

[OrlandoMike]

I think you did a great job!

PS We are a pretty open group over here, pop over anytime you need advice!

 

[tinkerbeth]

We told our kids (and as a teacher, I tell my students) that hate language of any kind is not tolerated. 99% of the time, kids use the term "gay" as a synonym for "stupid". Calling something gay (especially for little kids) is the same in their minds as calling it stupid. Both kids attend schools where they have plenty of classmates with two mommies or daddies - but elementary age kids still ignorantly use the word "gay" thinking it means "dumb".

So, we've explained to our kids that "gay" should never be used as a synonym for "stupid" because it's a form of hate language. They take it very seriously and take it upon themselves to tell their classmates that they should not use hate language.

I have the same policy with the highschool kids that I teach. THey have started to catch themselves now when they use gay to mean stupid around me. I always tell them it's especially important for them as teenagers because they are probably around people all the time who are questioning whehter they are gay and if they hear the word gay constantly meaning stupid around them, how will they feel about themselves? It takes a long time to sink in especially in my small town I think but they are starting to get why it is not okay.

THANK YOU for all the nice comments! I will check out those book links.

Have a great day!

 

[TruBlu]

OP, I hope you don't mind if I steal your talk.

I blew the whole black/white talk with my kids. Now when they describe someone to me they say they have brown skin because I had a meltdown the first time DS described someone as black. I was trying to explain that we don't use colors when talking about people. I thought I was getting it right, but now I have just made them think it is wrong to say someone is black.

Anyway, I hope to get this talk right. Your way of phrasing it sounds great to me.

Thanks!

 

[RickinNYC]

I have the same policy with the highschool kids that I teach. THey have started to catch themselves now when they use gay to mean stupid around me. I always tell them it's especially important for them as teenagers because they are probably around people all the time who are questioning whehter they are gay and if they hear the word gay constantly meaning stupid around them, how will they feel about themselves? It takes a long time to sink in especially in my small town I think but they are starting to get why it is not okay.

THANK YOU for all the nice comments! I will check out those book links.

Have a great day!

Wow, not only are you a great Mom to teach your son such a great lesson at a young age, but you're one heck of an awesome teacher!

 

[fey_spirit]

What's wrong with describing someone as black? Is it really any different then describing someone as blond or german? (German because there are some cultural differences at play)...

I'm not insulted when someone calls me a lesbian, it's just what I am.
I don't see much differance.

OP, I hope you don't mind if I steal your talk.

I blew the whole black/white talk with my kids. Now when they describe someone to me they say they have brown skin because I had a meltdown the first time DS described someone as black. I was trying to explain that we don't use colors when talking about people. I thought I was getting it right, but now I have just made them think it is wrong to say someone is black.

Anyway, I hope to get this talk right. Your way of phrasing it sounds great to me.

Thanks!

 

[RickinNYC]

What's wrong with describing someone as black? Is it really any different then describing someone as blond or german? (German because there are some cultural differences at play)...

I'm not insulted when someone calls me a lesbian, it's just what I am.
I don't see much differance.

Because it's just one facet of many that make a person a person. Why pick one signifier to describe an individual?

For example, here are a few things that could be used to describe me:

-I'm 6'4"
-I'm half Japanese
-I have green eyes
-I'm gay
-I was raised on a military base
-I'm Catholic


Not one of those things are more significant than any other. They all hold equal weight as far as I'm concerned. But that's just me.

 

[fey_spirit]

I get that =)
Fact is thought that I might use any one of those terms to describe you if I felt they were relevant to the conversation.

I know this really tall guy - he's always helping folks get things off the shelves, he's great to have around and so sweet.

I think eyes are a really important thing to look for in whether somone's cute or not - green eyes are the best like this one guy I know...

I have a couple of gay friends, including Rick, who like to hang out at that club, so I'm guessing that the vibe is ok there.

I know this guy Rick, yeah both army brats he and I - born and raised on military bases.

Rick's catholic so he and I don't always see eye to eye on spiritual matters, but I love that he has such an open mind.

So in my eyes there are lots of perfectly good reasons for using a term to describe someone... as long as the context isn't derogatory I don't see the problem.

I guess for me it almost feels like an insult when folks are afraid to use the word lesbian or gay in reference to me - it's like this great big dirty secret everyone's afraid to put a name to.

Because it's just one facet of many that make a person a person. Why pick one signifier to describe an individual?

For example, here are a few things that could be used to describe me:

-I'm 6'4"
-I'm half Japanese
-I have green eyes
-I'm gay
-I was raised on a military base
-I'm Catholic


Not one of those things are more significant than any other. They all hold equal weight as far as I'm concerned. But that's just me.

 

[RickinNYC]

as long as the context isn't derogatory I don't see the problem.I guess for me it almost feels like an insult when folks are afraid to use the word lesbian or gay in reference to me - it's like this great big dirty secret everyone's afraid to put a name to.

Totally agreed, particularly on the sentence I highlighted. As long as the descriptor isn't done in a derogatory manner, it's all good as far as I'm concerned. Especially if you say, "I know this guy Rick, boy is he dreamy and he has a nice butt."

 

[fey_spirit]

I don't know about how dreamy your butt is - send us a pic and we'll let you know (clad in Blue Jeans of course - got to keep this fam friendly.)

Totally agreed, particularly on the sentence I highlighted. As long as the descriptor isn't done in a derogatory manner, it's all good as far as I'm concerned. Especially if you say, "I know this guy Rick, boy is he dreamy and he has a nice butt."

 

[rpmdfw]

I don't know about how dreamy your butt is - send us a pic and we'll let you know (clad in Blue Jeans of course - got to keep this fam friendly.)

Check out the Jellyroll's youtube video to see him shaking it!