OT-Tacky?

[Kitzka]

I hope that this does not become a hot button issue but I am hoping the wonderful minds here at the Dis can offer their thoughts. So here goes:

DD's best friend is not having a birthday party this year. Instead her parents are taking her on a trip to the Grand Canyon and they are going to do some sigh seeing in utah. This was something she wanted to do for her big 1-0. The friend, Ashley, commented that she hopes people don't forget about her birthday since she was not having a party.

Ashley's mom sent out an email that said:

"As you may know we are not having a party to celebrate Ashley's 10th birthday. Instead we are taking a trip of her choice to the Grand Canyon. Ashley recently wondered if people would forget about her birthday and I as her mom feel bad.

I wanted to ask if your daughters could send her a card for her birthday. we are not asking for gifts but would like her to know that her freinds are thinking of her on her birthday as we will be home on her actual birth date. Please do not send any gifts. Just a card wishing her a happy birthday.

Thanks!

Mona"

I don't really see anything wrong about this but my other friend thinks that the Mom, "Mona" is using this as a way to get people to send gifts anyway. Do you think that is the case? Other people who got the email think that this is Mom's passive agressive way of saying "Don't forget about my kid", while still others see it as something sweet for the mom to send out.

What do you all think? It's actualyl causing quite a bit of strife in our circle. I know nothing will be resolved here with this but i just wonder what others may think of this.

Thanks
Lara

PS-for the record i think it's sweet and plan to send a card to arrive at their house within a day or two of Ashley's birthday.

 

[crl]

Having a DD who is 5 and would be crushed if she didn't get birthday wishes just because she's not having a party, my vote is it's ok to ask for cards since they can be made or bought cheaply. If she said no gifts, then I'd take her at her word since when I say no gifts, I mean no gifts.

 

[missj1975]

Tacky

I send birthday cards for my friends even if they aren't having a party. I think it is tacky to remind a friend not to forget a person's birthday.

 

[budbeerlady]

I dont see it as asking for gifts. I can see why a 10 yr old would be worried about not having the birthday fuss. If the email was sent to a close circle of friends parents then whats the issue.

 

[semo233]

If she asks a few close friends, I'd say that's fine. Most of us need reminders! If she sent it to 20 people, that's another story!

 

[DVCLiz]

Tacky

I send birthday cards for my friends even if they aren't having a party. I think it is tacky to remind a friend not to forget a person's birthday.

Yes, but are you ten years old?

I don't think the mom was being passive agressive - she really DID mean to say "please don't forget my daughter." I think it's a sweet way to support her daughter, and anyone who thinks it is tacky or a gift grab is missing the point.

A nice mom would say, "You know, we aren't going to a party for Ashley this year but we always get gifts for your friends. Let's not decide to give our friends gifts only if they have a party for us." And that same nice mom would say that not only to her daughter but also to the other moms who seem to be missing the piont here - that a 10 year old's feelings are involved.

 

[pyrxtc]

I don't see it as asking for a gift. A card is great ! everyone loves getting birthday cards!

 

[eeyorethegreat]

I don't think it is tacky just a request for birthday cards. I wouldn't read anymore into it. I am not good at sending out cards or buying presents and I don't keep track of other kids b days besides my own. I certainly wouldn't be offended by the email because otherwise I wouldn't have thought to send a card.

 

[goofyboyzmom]

I think that if this were sent out to just some of her closest friends, I think it is fine. Little girls of this age are all about "their group" and not wanting to be left out of anything. This will make her happy to be remembered.

 

[disneynewbee]

Well I like to think the best of people so I would say it's not tacky since she said twice not to send a gift. However, I don't know her and her personality though so maybe those who know the mom better can be a better judge of what she is really trying to say. Personally I would send her a card and even a small gift that she could use for her trip.

 

[Juliegirl1]

I don't think it is tacky. How many people really think to send birthday cards to their kid's friends? I send cards to my friends and to the kids in my family but I just don't think the thought would cross my mind that it was my child's friend's birthday. Heck, half of the time I remember the birthday at all is because I get an invitation to a party and the kid gets a gift with a card attached. Besides, the mom did say 'no gifts please' and I would take her at her word. Also I don't expect for my child to remember the dates of his friend's birthdays.

 

[TaraPA]

I see it a totally different way. What kind of birthday party hoopla has she been getting for the last 9 years that she expects wishes from friends if she has no party? My kids have a small family party only for their birthdays - at age 8 they each had a large friend party at a local mini golf course. That was their big kid party. Now & then they pick 1-2 friends to play paintball, see a movie or sleepover for their birthday. I see no need to have big kid parties every year. I think the whole birthday party thing is out of control. If a child doesn't have a party she's crushed not to have friends acknowldege her special day? Sounds spoiled to me. My kids would never expect a friend to send a card or call to say Happy Birthday. I guess that's just me, or the area I live in, but I would never email people to remind them of their birthdays to get well wishes.

 

[KirstenB]

No biggie. My 10 yr old dd wouldn't have thought about it, but maybe this little girl is the really sensitive type. I'd send along a card.

 

[PA Princess]

We recently also skipped a party for our older daughter who turned 8. Instead, we did a trip to NY and the American Girl store and The Little Mermaid on Broadway. This was planned for months and we were all really excited about this, but we did not anticipate a few hiccups that occurred as a result.

Like the girl the OP describes, my dd did not want to be completely forgotten on her actial birth day. I think this is especially an issue with summer birthdays and perhaps not seeing friends as regularly (schools out, people travel, kids at camp, many kid activities stop for the summer, etc.).

Fortunately, I knew several family members would send cards (they always do), and dd's two best friends actually gave her small gifts on her birthday. I did not ask, but I can understand why this mom reached out to ensure happy birthday wishes for her dd. I have also at times sent a gift and/or card to a child (a close friend or relative) when we knew their bithrday was coming and no party was happening.

The other issue that perhaps the mom is inadvertently addressing, is that we actually had two moms call because their daughter's were hurt not to be invited to a party (thought they were left out). These are girls we have invited for years, but we do not happen to see them much in the summer and though dd says she told them months age no party, they are 8 and they forgot.

It was not a big deal in the end, but if the moms had not called perhaps this could have evolved into a bigger drama (and my how girl's love drama ;-). I have since made a point of mentioning how we traveled for dd's birthday to other regular party attenders...just to be safe.

 

[sarahlovesmickey]

I would also send a card. This is something I could see my oldest son saying because his close friends are important to him and they do celebrate his birthdays with him. At the age of 10, friends are important to kids and having those friends remember her on her special day is also important.

 

[Aliceacc]

I think the mom handled it nicely. I don't see it as a bid for gifts at all, just a request that the girl's friends remember the birthday with a card.

 

[Momto4boys]

I don't think it's tacky at all. Her focus right now is making sure her daughter has a happy birthday. Since she stipulated a couple of times that they do not want gifts I think she really DOES NOT want gifts. Just wants her daughter to feel like her friends care about her.

 

[JoanneNC]

Our 6yr had his birthday in Disney and also commented (1st time with no party) - it just doesn't feel like my birthday without a party with friends..

Definitely send a card - I think that would be nice

 

[dougsmom98]

I don't think it is tacky at all. I have seen adult occasions where people have sent out requests to shower someone with cards.

 

[StillPinballFamily]

Very thoughtful, not tacky. What a nice mom!

Now, tacky WOULD be a message that reads "We won't be around for Ashley's birthday, so no party, but please remember how much she likes (whatever), and she's now wearing a size (whatever), and don't forget that she only wears (whatever store/brand is hot at the moment)." THAT WOULD BE A TACKY GIFT GRAB! (But I'm sure there are some who might do this.... - some reports of "manners deficits" on this board never fail to amaze me!)

I think the "ewwww" reaction of some of the other moms in this social circle perhaps says more about them than about Ashley's mom... IMHO.

My kids are much more into making birthday cards than buying them - perhaps your DD is too? What a fun project - making a card for your 10 year old BF!