OT- supporting a friend with a transgendered child

[MichelleinMaine]

*please forgive any wierd verbage. If something sounds off, please understand it's from my ignorance in discussing it, not any intent to be hurtful *

I recently found out through a mutual friend that a friend's college-aged daughter is transgendering to a man (is that the correct way to phrase this?) I don't know the young person well other than in HS, she (scratch that, he!) was my daughter's Sunday school teacher. I admire his fortitude, though, to live as he believes he should. He's in a fairly liberal college and I'm pretty confident has resources there to help him through this journey.

I've found out, though, the parents are having a rough time of it. We do belong to an "open and affirming" church (eg welcoming to all sexual orientations/expresssions, our pastor is gay). I'm sure it's very different, though, supporting others, vs your own child. I imagine there's grieving for the daughter they are "losing" in addition to helping their new son find his place in the world.

So point of all this, I really have no idea what to say. I am close to the father, we work closely for a volunteer group, but he's not said anything to me. (I have noticed him being withdrawn over the past several months, but I didn't know why.) I don't know if it's ok to bring the subject up or wait til he needs to say something or just wait til the next big function when he's there with "Bob" instead of "Sue" or what. I want to be supportive, but not intrusive. Not like Hallmark makes a card for the situation!!

(I should add, I work for this church, so this was discussed in a pastoral setting. That would be confidential w/in staff, though I don't think it would be a surprise to my friend that I found out. I don't think there is any attempt to hide the situation, but the young person is currently away at college. Out of site, out of mind. I imagine he'd be coming home soon and it may become a more obvious issue. I don't know that for sure though.)

Any suggestions or insight how to be a good friend in this situation?
(Thanks!)

 

[rosiep]

First, let me thank you for being such a caring friend and an ally.

Your words prove that you understand the grieving process your friend is going through, but that with the support of friends and family he will hopefully come to accept his daughter as his son.

I have witness first hand the dire consequences of family rejection for transgendered folks. I am grateful to you (yes, grateful) for wanting to make this transition one of openness.

I personally would encourage you to mention that you are aware of the situation and offer him your support. Let him know you are accepting of his sons orientation and offer him whatever encouragement you may feel he needs. You can take your cues from his response.

I wish I were a better writer. I am struggling to convey to you how important your involvement can be. Letting your friend know that his family is not alone, that his son is accepted can mean all the difference.

Please feel free to PM me, I'd be happy to support YOU, in any way I can.

 

[MichelleinMaine]

Thanks so much for the reply, Rosiep. I was really concerned my whole post was inappropriate in some way. I really want to be one giving a positive reaction, I'm sure they'll get enough of the other kind.

I definately want to say something to him, but totally not sure what.

"So I hear Sue is now Bob?" seems a little too direct. And something like "I guess there are some changes in your family" is a bit too vague...

ETA thank you for the encouragement- sometimes it's hard to remember just one person saying something good is important!

 

[ConcKahuna]

You could try something like "I'm happy soandso decided to follow through so their outer self better matches who they are inside!"

A bit wordy, but I've never been on that side of the conversation!

 

[MichelleinMaine]

You could try something like "I'm happy soandso decided to follow through so their outer self better matches who they are inside!"

Thanks! My only concern though is that my friend might not be ready to be happy about it or appreciate that I am? (If that makes sense?) I have to believe there's some confusion/anger/sadness going on in the dad's part (not that their isn't for the young person either, but just I'd be talking with the dad.)

Maybe something like "I hear there are some changes going on in Sue's life"? (Again, just not sure how hard it is ~right now~ anyway to hear the new male name?)

 

[rosiep]

Simplicity is best. So, yes, say that you've heard the family is adjusting to some changes and offer your ear.
It will be enough for your friend that he won't have to "announce" it and that you are willing to listen.

 

[Mathfailure]

I work in a church setting too so I have a few thoughts that might impact how you deal with this situation.

Did the information come within a confidential setting with the expectation of the information remaining private? Then you need to have the parents approach you, otherwise it is breaching confidence.

If it was shared openly and referenced as public knowledge, or could be public knowledge, then you can approach the parents. If this is the case, I would invite the parent(s) for a cup of coffee, as in "Could we get together Tuesday at 7 for a cup of coffee?" Specific place and time, and they could counter with a different more convient time, or refuse if they are totally not ready. You would not need to bring up what you want to talk about, usually a burden will be shared in a safe place if the person is ready. You could encourage them with "Our pastoral team was concerened about...." again only if open knowledge.

I find that burdens that begin to be spoken of are lessened, and if the parents are struggling they will be supported by NOT trying to keep "secrets" or hiding their situation. This can be expressed to them by speaking of their child in a natural and loving way, by asking of him as you would any other child of theirs.

But most important, do not do anything if they have not given the okay. Once confidential information is shared, trust can be distroyed.

I am sure you will find a way to be the loving and kind friend you seem to be.

Kathleen

 

[MichelleinMaine]

Simplicity is best. So, yes, say that you've heard the family is adjusting to some changes and offer your ear.
It will be enough for your friend that he won't have to "announce" it and that you are willing to listen.

Thanks!

I work in a church setting too so I have a few thoughts that might impact how you deal with this situation.

Did the information come within a confidential setting with the expectation of the information remaining private? Then you need to have the parents approach you, otherwise it is breaching confidence.

Completely understand the confidentiality issue. (Drilled into us enough in church It was told to me by the pastor, but as a question had I seen this individual's new profile (eg male, new name vs female, old name) on Facebook. I hadn't, because I was not friends with her previously or him currently. So he has put it "out there", so to speak. There's more I would not share that I knew {though again, it's general knowledge we meet weekly to discuss church members and particular needs/struggles.}

 

[OrlandoMike]

Michelle....

First of all, thank you for taking the time to come over to our area to ask these questions, we have many more on here who are great with information in this area, give it a few days for all of them to chime in.

Second....Please dont ever worry about your "verbage" over here, we understand.

The only advice to give would be take your time......these things can be delicate, and as long as your friend(s) know you are there for them, nothing else matters at this time.....

 

[LukenDC]

Your friends are lucky to have such a caring and supportive person in their lives!

I have worked with transgendered people, encounter them often in my city, have studied their issues, and consider myself supportive of their rights. That said, I have often thought about how I would react if a member of my family was transgendered and, honestly, I think that I would struggle with a sense of loss. My point is that this is a complicated, emotional issue and it's understandable that your friends are having some difficulty accepting it.

If I were you, I would reach out to the parents, let them know that you are aware of what is happening, and that you are there for them. That opens the door to further conversation if they wish to talk. Also, wish the young man in question the very best and accept him for who he is.