OT-Sorry, I need to vent-sisters wedding

[gabriellyn]

I'm sorry I just need to vent. A few weeks ago, my mom and I got into a huge fight (which we have never had) because I found my sisters wedding is the Friday after labor day. My DS starts kindergarten that week. I told her I would go with my new 5 week old baby cause I did not want my DS to miss the first week of school. Apparently according to mom and sis that is totally unreasonable. Its just kindergarten and he should be able to make it. See my mom just spent 2 weeks on vacation and spending a week at the wedding and can not take time to visit us. I live 3000 miles from everyone. She has not seen her grandkids in 2 yrs and is really angry that I will not bring them out there.

The expenses would be nuts.
$1000 for air as my mom offered to pay the other 1000 for all of us.
$500 for rental car and do not ask how I would get 3 car seats out there.
$5oo for hotel
$300-500 for food and stuff

So, I also mentioned that this was a lot of money for us to spend since I'm pregnant and have to pay for about 80% of hospital bill which in the past has been about 5-6k plus my doctor bills. Which we have an hsa for and have put $$ aside but still this is just too much $$

Then 3 weeks ago DS2 had to be rushed to the hospital by ambulance for breathing issues which is about another 3k.

I get an email today with my sister asking what the head counts is for the wedding, after I've made it clear we can not go I have not even recieved an invitation yet I just know that this is going to cause another blow up as she likes to cause trouble.

Sorry, I'm so stressed and it felt better to tell someone other than DH

I haven't read all the comments but did want to say I support you. I missed my middle sister's wedding a couple of years ago. She scheduled it ON CHRISTMAS DAY, just a few days before we took our first WDW trip. If she lived close to Orlando, we may have been able to swing it, but she lives near Seattle. So we missed her wedding. And we survived. And less than a year later she was divorced. Even my parents are mad they wasted their $$$ to go.

Good luck.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

You missed your sister's wedding for a Disney trip?

 

[deerhart]

My quote was in relation to the people who said they wouldn't take a baby on a plane because of germs. There are germs and sick people everywhere. So unless you plan on baracading yourself in your house and not having any visitors over for six weeks what is the difference between exposing your baby to germs at the grocery store or mall as opposed to a plane.

There is a HUGE difference in being able to control germs and contact in the grocery store or the mall then there is on a plane. Those that have been through the confinements know all the tricks. One such is turning around the stroller into a pram with the head covered and away from everyone and the feet in the opening. It discourages everyone from getting to close to the baby and very easy to throw a blanket over the top to further discourage onlookers.

Also, many places like grocery stores etc.. now have sanitizer everywhere (even our courts have them for people to use after going through the metal detectors).

When my oldest was born, our ped put us on a 4 month no public places unless baby is covered rule. He did relent and gave us permission to attend a family reunion in early July (at about 3.5 months of age) because ds was doing so well and had tripled his birth weight (it was my ds's first introduction to most of my family). But he insisted on no day care for another 2 months

 

[princessmom29]

You missed your sister's wedding for a Disney trip?

, For me, it would depend on how much advance notice I had. My BFF's brother told her 2 WEEKS before his wedding that they were getting married. If my sister pulled that, and I had a trip planned there would be no way I would cancel it. You ahve to expect that kind of thing if you plan a wedding on short notice. Six months out I can change my plans, but not 2 weeks before a trip.

 

[gabriellyn]

You missed your sister's wedding for a Disney trip?

Pretty much yes. Our trip was booked early in the year (February) - and she was aware of our schedule. She tossed around different dates and ultimately settled on Christmas Day, knowing full well we wouldn't be able to make it, because I told her so. She did it anyway. We had already booked our flights and paid our trip off, so we decided we couldn't make it. She wasn't upset.

 

[robinb]

When my oldest was born, our ped put us on a 4 month no public places unless baby is covered rule. He did relent and gave us permission to attend a family reunion in early July (at about 3.5 months of age) because ds was doing so well and had tripled his birth weight (it was my ds's first introduction to most of my family). But he insisted on no day care for another 2 months

Was your baby premature or had some other kind of immunity problem? Keeping a normal baby covered for 4 months in public is crazy and no daycare for 6 months is even crazier.

 

[cheshireqt]

So I have kept up with all the posts since my last time to post to this thread and one thing that strikes me as odd the more I think about it, is that neither your Mother nor sister seem to have offered to help out YOU with the new baby or with your other children during your recuperation period. Yet they expect you to fly out, stay in a hotel room with a 5week old and be ready to help out with the wedding? Your Mother wants to see her other Grands, what better time than when she will be helping you! Could you use that in a conversation, maybe stop your Mother cold or redirect her guilt trip from you with something like "well actually now that you mention travel, I could certainly use your help with the children during/right after having the C-section."
I still stand by my original post...give them only one reason for not coming (the new baby) and don't budge! After all no one's opinion counts, other than you and DH, as to whether you will be ready to travel and assist with a wedding. From what I read earlier they expect you to help with the set up for the wedding and something about not inviting you to the rehearsal? Selfish, selfish, selfish

 

[deerhart]

Was your baby premature or had some other kind of immunity problem? Keeping a normal baby covered for 4 months in public is crazy and no daycare for 6 months is even crazier.

I had preeclampsia for 13 weeks prior to his birth. The last 4 weeks I was pregnant, he gained less then a pound in uteruo. The last 13 weeks he had gained only an estimated 3lbs. He was born at 5lbs 10oz and had lots of problems with body temp, blood sugar, and jaundice.

Because of his low birth weight and difficult start, if he caught ANY cold/flu illness etc in the first 4-5 months he would be immediately be hospitalized. In fact, he ended up having peri orbital cellulitis at about 6 months of age and was rushed to the ER at the children's hospital and then ear infections for the next 6 months after that.

The no public for 4 months wasn't really to hard since I wasn't in any shape to even leave the house for almost 8 weeks after my son was born. I had to be placed on mag sulfate during delivery (my bp was 200/115) and well we found out I really really was allergic to sulfate and had a bad reaction to it (I was still having residual blackouts and severe fatigue from the mag for almost 2.5 weeks after coming off it, plus the mag ate the metal of my glasses and I had chemical burns on my temples). Plus it took almost 6 weeks for my bp to come back under control and my ds nursed constantly. I barely remember May and June of that year.

We didn't have quite as strict restrictions with my younger DS, who ended up in the nicu on o2 for 4 days, but that was because he had a 2.5 yo brother in daycare already bringing home all the Germs, so we were released at 6 weeks to go out. But we still were going to end up in the hospital if he got sick within the first 6 months. Thankfully, his case of RSV didn't hit until 6.5 old and wasn't severe enough in itself to require a hospitalization (since we had already had one at 12 weeks of age for a double hernia surgery)

 

[DeirdreTours]

I didn't read all of the responses, but this seems more complicated that just attending the wedding. It seems like three separate issues to me:
a) you resent your mother not visiting your children in more than two years
b) you and your sister have a struggle going on about power
c) actually attending the wedding


Of the three, I think the easiest is deciding about the wedding: Don't go- You will have a newborn, still be recoving from major surgery and you don't want to.

And, I would consider speaking (or maybe writing) honestly with your mother about how hurt you are that she has been able to fit in various vacations but has been unable to visit you (assuming here that you HAVE actually invited her to visit, right?). I would second the other poster who said asking your mother to come help you might be a good idea as well. If your mother genuinely can't see why you would need help post baby and why it would be hard for you to travel to the sister's wedding, then it may be time to step back from the relationship a bit and reconsider. You may be stuck in a family dynamic where your sister has always sucked up all of mom's attention and will continue to do so.

With everything, good luck! Get your rest, take care of yourself and know that this will all work out.

Finally, I would ignore the sister. Send her a nice present (that you can afford), wish her well and refuse to engage in petty struggles with her.

 

[njsweetP]

My quote was in relation to the people who said they wouldn't take a baby on a plane because of germs. There are germs and sick people everywhere. So unless you plan on baracading yourself in your house and not having any visitors over for six weeks what is the difference between exposing your baby to germs at the grocery store or mall as opposed to a plane.

To this I have to say "prevention is the best medicine".

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

To this I have to say "prevention is the best medicine".

Unless a baby is high risk, though, what is the point? Even if I ad wanted to shield my children from every germ, my husband was in and out everyday, we have/had lives to live, siblings who insist upon having human relationships. I just don't get the fear factor. People get sick. That is how they build immunity of their own, rather than their mother's.

 

[krcit]

OK, surely I am not the only one who, at 5-6 weeks postpartum, was getting NO SLEEP and was a walking zombie! Fly 6 hours and attend a wedding??? Yeah, right. It was a banner day if I got to take a shower and make the bed. It has been almost 20 years and I still get tired just thinking about it!

So true!!!

Add me to the list of those who wouldn't take a newborn on a plane either. When my oldest dd was born I remember my pediatrician giving me a ,ecture about not bringing her to church, the mall or other places with groups of people in close quarters.

 

[deerhart]

Unless a baby is high risk, though, what is the point? Even if I ad wanted to shield my children from every germ, my husband was in and out everyday, we have/had lives to live, siblings who insist upon having human relationships. I just don't get the fear factor. People get sick. That is how they build immunity of their own, rather than their mother's.

Almost all peds I have talked to would automatically hospitalize any newborn with even just a cold until they were about 8 weeks old.

This is because they are very prone to dehydration and even a simple cold can go from nothing to deadly in a newborn, even healthy normal ones.

Thus, putting a newborn, who doesn't even have their own immunity system in place yet, into an environment KNOWN to produce a large amount of illness afterwards is not the best idea.

This isn't trying to prevent any and all germs, but rather, why stick your child in a situation where they are more likely then not to get sick AND that illness be even more complicated by them being so young.

You will never stop all germs from coming in because you will have people get sick and such, but putting a newborn on the plane is like asking to have the child be sick.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

Peds tend to be more concerned with being sued than common sense. Unless a child/infant showed signs of dehydration there is no chance in hell that my child would be hospitalized for a mere cold. Sorry, but mindlessly following doctor's advice is what killed my son. Undertreatment will always be our path.

My kids have all got very good immune systems even though I was crazy enough to travel, go shopping, go to church, and have them around other children. We don't do antibiotics unless there is a proven need, either. It has been a couple of years since we needed any. Not bad for 7 kids and a dozen or so fosters in that time, lol.

I think that people need to be out, especially new moms. The last thing they need is to be stuck in with an infant for 6 weeks.

As far as choosing an amusement park over a sister's wedding, well, that is beyond sad. But then again I am the one who thinks that people need each other, families are vital, and human contact elemental.

 

[njsweetP]

Almost all peds I have talked to would automatically hospitalize any newborn with even just a cold until they were about 8 weeks old.

This is because they are very prone to dehydration and even a simple cold can go from nothing to deadly in a newborn, even healthy normal ones.

Thus, putting a newborn, who doesn't even have their own immunity system in place yet, into an environment KNOWN to produce a large amount of illness afterwards is not the best idea.

This isn't trying to prevent any and all germs, but rather, why stick your child in a situation where they are more likely then not to get sick AND that illness be even more complicated by them being so young.

You will never stop all germs from coming in because you will have people get sick and such, but putting a newborn on the plane is like asking to have the child be sick.

Thank you - couldn't have said it better myself.

 

[disneymom3]

I actually do have to have c-section because my first 2 were complicated. But I still was trying to make the effort but now I have almost 10k in medical expenses and I just can not afford it. I plan on sending a gift, although my DH does not want to because of all the drama(I'm crying a lot) but I'm still going to. I just do not understand why they can not understand why I can not go.

Because honestly, they are being stupid and selfish. For my wedding my sister was starting a new semester at a new school. (she is a teacher.) She decided she couldnt' come. I was disappointed because I had always wanted her to sing at my wedding, but it simply didn't work. IMO, having a c-section and a newborn, it would be insane to travel across country. No way,, no how.

OP, I don't want to break any rules on the Dis, but I wanted to let you know that I belong to a wonderful In-law/family advice board. If you would like the web address please PM and I will gladly share!

Here are the best 2 pieces if advice I have ever recieved from those ladies...

'NO'- is a complete sentence.

If they try to engage you simply respond: 'That doesn't work for me.' repeat as needed!

Send a card and stay put!

Yes, yes and yes. I have some ILs who can tend to be very pushy. DH used to make stuff up about why we couldn't do something. A few years ago, we realized we have the right to make decisions that are best for US. Not that we don't take others into consideration, but we refuse to make ourselves miserable simply so that others don't get offended.

OK, surely I am not the only one who, at 5-6 weeks postpartum, was getting NO SLEEP and was a walking zombie! Fly 6 hours and attend a wedding??? Yeah, right. It was a banner day if I got to take a shower and make the bed. It has been almost 20 years and I still get tired just thinking about it!

Totally agree with you! This woman needs a hug and someone to bring her a nice glass of iced tea, not to have to schlep her little kids all over the place. Travelling wiht kids is hard enough. Travelling with a newborn AND other kids.....uh uh.

 

[ceecee]

I didn't read all of the responses, but this seems more complicated that just attending the wedding. It seems like three separate issues to me:
a) you resent your mother not visiting your children in more than two years
b) you and your sister have a struggle going on about power
c) actually attending the wedding


Of the three, I think the easiest is deciding about the wedding: Don't go- You will have a newborn, still be recoving from major surgery and you don't want to.

And, I would consider speaking (or maybe writing) honestly with your mother about how hurt you are that she has been able to fit in various vacations but has been unable to visit you (assuming here that you HAVE actually invited her to visit, right?). I would second the other poster who said asking your mother to come help you might be a good idea as well. If your mother genuinely can't see why you would need help post baby and why it would be hard for you to travel to the sister's wedding, then it may be time to step back from the relationship a bit and reconsider. You may be stuck in a family dynamic where your sister has always sucked up all of mom's attention and will continue to do so.

With everything, good luck! Get your rest, take care of yourself and know that this will all work out.

Finally, I would ignore the sister. Send her a nice present (that you can afford), wish her well and refuse to engage in petty struggles with her.

I agree with this completely. We brought our DD home on a plane 2000 miles when she was 6 days old at 6 lb 8 oz. We got clearance from two different pediatricians and she actually slept the whole time. Lots of people who adopt newborns fly home with them. However, if I didn't have to do it I wouldn't have. Certainly not after having a c-section. I would write your mom a letter like the above poster suggested, sent a card and a gift and forget about it. You have more important things to worry about right now!

 

[mermaidwannabe]

I haven't read through all the pages, but I would never let any of my 3 kids miss the first week of school, whether it be kindergarten or any other grade. Especially kindergarten though because that first week is spent learning the rules and routine. Sorry they are putting you in that position.

 

[WendyisDarling]

Just to validate the no air travel with newborn...
From the Mayo Clinic
Your baby's doctor may discourage unnecessary air travel during the first six weeks after birth, when your baby would be especially vulnerable to the germs that circulate in an airplane's enclosed cabin.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/air-travel-with-infant/HQ00197

If your really feel a need to explain or excuse yourself, perhaps ask your OB who will likely give you the above advice and you can simply say "sorry, doctor's orders"

I posted earlier and I don't feel like you owe any sort of explanation, but I know some people feel more comfortable with a legitimate way out. Not sure if that is the OP, but just in case.

 

[dallastxcpa]

There is a HUGE difference in being able to control germs and contact in the grocery store or the mall then there is on a plane. Those that have been through the confinements know all the tricks. One such is turning around the stroller into a pram with the head covered and away from everyone and the feet in the opening. It discourages everyone from getting to close to the baby and very easy to throw a blanket over the top to further discourage onlookers.

Oh I am sorry I didn't realize that baby blankets and prams were magical germ killers. Air circulates no mater were you are so unless you have your baby in a buble you are fooling yourself.