OT-Sorry, I need to vent-sisters wedding

[tinkabella627]

I didn't read all of the replies and I hope you don't take this the wrong way but...

How long did you know about the wedding? I am asking because my husband and I got engaged and had a 2 year engagement, giving everyone plenty of time to save and be ready to get to our wedding. A month before our wedding his brother told us he couldn't be in the wedding and probably couldn't come... He didn't come and we haven't spoken to him since. It hurts a lot to not have your siblings at your wedding. I do understand that you will have a newborn baby but if she really wants you there, bring the baby to the actual ceremony and be at the reception as much as you feel comfortable with.

Idk that is just me and I have been there and know that it sucks when family doesn't show

ETA: I just noticed you said you found out the date a few weeks ago... did they just get engaged? Or did they just pick a date? If they just got engaged then I completely understand not being able to save that much in this little bit of time. If they got engaged a while ago and knew the date was tba later, then that is different.

 

[tinkabella627]

After reading the posts (which I really should do before I reply but I always forget things)... You are right. Stay home. I didn't see the part about the c-section. Nor did I see the part about them giving you expectations but you not being invited to rehearsal. Now I don't think that she should have to have had a summer weekend wedding if that wasn't what they wanted, but I also don't think you should have to pay thousands of dollars and deal with all the stress.

My brother in law that didn't come to ours had 2 years to save and it was in our hometown so all he woulda had to to was fly there. He had a free place to stay and people to drive him around but he couldn't even muster that up. And for no reason other than he is irresponsible. It was a different situation.

 

[Hannathy]

Where is your Mother staying? Can't you stay with her?

You need to decide how much of a relationship you want with your sister and how good of one you want. Because believe me if you don't go it will never be the same. Things like this stay around forever in families. It will affect your relationship with her and your mother from now on.

If you can't afford all of you that is fine, go with just the baby, stay with someone, forget a rental, someone can pick you up and take you back to the airport and shuttle you around.

If the family is going send your son to the first day and then leave.

I would do everything I could to be at my sisters wedding.

 

[buckler]

Where is your Mother staying? Can't you stay with her?

You need to decide how much of a relationship you want with your sister and how good of one you want. Because believe me if you don't go it will never be the same. Things like this stay around forever in families. It will affect your relationship with her and your mother from now on.

If you can't afford all of you that is fine, go with just the baby, stay with someone, forget a rental, someone can pick you up and take you back to the airport and shuttle you around.

If the family is going send your son to the first day and then leave.

I would do everything I could to be at my sisters wedding.

She said it was a 2 hour drive from the airport to where she is going. I doubt anyone would come pick her up and shuttle her around.

 

[Hannathy]

She said it was a 2 hour drive from the airport to where she is going. I doubt anyone would come pick her up and shuttle her around.

other people have to be flying in, Mom obviously doesn't live there, wouldn't she have rented a car. I have been picked up and have picked up people at airports 2 hours away.
If it is just her and baby they could get the cheapest car, but I still think someone could get her, or find a shuttle or van,bus, etc.

 

[StitchandPooh'sMom]

to you, OP!

We have traveled all over to attend family weddings, bringing sitters along because our kids were not invited to the wedding or reception. So keep that in mind when I say - stay home. You will be five weeks out from a C-section. When I had my C-section, I wasn't allowed to drive for two weeks, and I didn't have any complications. Seems like I couldn't lift much either for about six weeks - I think the doctor said not to lift anything heavier than the baby. You will have to handle luggage, a baby, a car seat and a rental car. How are you going to get two hours to the airport, then an hour to the wedding if your doctor says not to drive (I might have the numbers mixed up, but it seems like your home and the wedding were not close to either airport)? No way would I make plans to fly across country with a five week old after a C-section. Everything might be great - you might deliver early and everyone recover quickly. But God forbid there are any complications or you deliver after your due date - it doesn't sound like you have the money to lose if you have to cancel the trip. Even in the best of circumstances, it is probably not a great time for you or the baby to plan a long trip.

If you have an early, uncomplicated delivery and your doctor gives the OK, you can decide to go if your mom springs for the airfare. You can still be three weeks out buying tickets, like a PP said.

As far as the importance of kindergarten, I have pulled both my kids out of kindergarten for a week at a time. But I would never pull them out of the FIRST week. It is a critical time for making friends, getting to know the teacher, and learning the routine. By the end of the first week, everyone has learned everyone else's name and they all have playground buddies. No way would my kids have missed that for a trip.

It will likely affect your relationship with your sister and your mom. My brother still hasn't been forgiven for not leaving his kids to go to my niece's wedding, which would have cost him a lot of money.

 

[kathie859]

OP....I'd walk on fire for my DS--BUT I wouldn't get on an airplane 5 weeks post partum with a 5 week old infant for her. And, you know what? She wouldn't ask me to!

Don't feel guilty (though I know how family know how to throw out the guilt net and I sympathize with you) but you have to do what's best for your family and that's your DH and your kids. Be gracious and be sure to send a congratulatory note and focus on being strong, calm and stress-free for the remainder of your pregnancy.

 

[v.t.]

I really feel for you.
Last month my children were uninvited to my brother's wedding rehearsal because he decided they didn't want children there. Next time I saw him I simply said, "We are so excited about your wedding, we really love DF and we so wanted to be included, I am sorry that your plans did not allow that to happen." He knew exactly what I meant and apologized for not considering family when making all the plans.
I would suggest you call your mom and let her know how hurt you are. Let her know that you do want to come to the wedding but cannot without help. Tell her that family is very important to you, but (in a nice manner) that it goes both ways. Good luck.

 

[robsmom]

I think that the biggest issue you have is being 5 weeks post-partum. This alone is a good reason to decide that you can not attend. That said, I think your biggest problem with your family is that you keep changing the reason that you can't attend. I think you need to sit down and really figure out the reason you won't or can't attend. When you understand that you will be able to explain it to them better. Right now you are all over the board. I can see from your sister's point of view that it would seem like when one obstacle is cleared you find the next barrier. Right or wrong, it comes across that you do not want to attend and have other issues with your mother and sister. What do YOU want from these relationships? If you want to be close with your family and have long term relationships than you need to do what it takes to get at least you and the baby to the wedding and you mother needs to do what she can to help. You need to get on the phone with your mom and have an open conversation. Decide what the real problem is and decide what you really want to do. If Kindergarten is important to you than tell them that you son and husband are not attending, end of story. If the issue is that you don't want to travel that close to having a baby, tell them this and end of story. If it is truly about money, then tell her "i really want to attend the wedding, but these medical issues have tapped me out". If she has money and really wants your there, she will help you out and you will go. Only present the real obstacle that truly stops you. If you make it about money and your mom is willing to pay and then you still don't go for some other reason you will lose all credibility.
One last thought, your money is your money and no one else can tell you how to use it. However, if you do not attend due to money, you want to be careful what you project to your family regarding money. I have no idea what you finance are and do not need to know. Just look at your situation from the outside in. No sane human is going to critize you for medical bills. Your family may look at other things you do (trips, cars, home projects, whatever it may be ) and to them it may appear that you a choosing xyz over your sister's wedding.

 

[SOnotLayuh]

We just got married this past July and had a similar situation with a family member. I totally understood why they couldn't come - sometimes this stuff is just impossible. You have so much going on, she should really understand that though it is her big day, not everything can go her way.

Good luck with everything!

 

[LadySiren]

OP, I feel for you. What a tough thing for your sister and mom to pull! That being said, I've been a Bridezilla myself and sometimes, it's easy to lose perspective when you're trying to plan a huge event that's *supposed* to be once-in-a-lifetime (ahem...disclaimer: I am the DISboards version of Liz Taylor, but I digress). So I'm sure she's having a hard time figuring out why you simply can't set aside all these factors and give in so that she can have her perfect day.

I know PPs have said to figure out the one true reason you can't go, but it's hard to choose just one in your situation. Rank them in order - it might be easier if you lay them out, like this:

1. Finances - trying to come up with $1200+ (the + is there because there's always something that comes up that costs more money) in order to make this trip sounds like it'll be darn near impossible. Your family's financial well-being is at stake, something you can't take lightly in a down economy.

2. Your family's health and well-being - there's NO way I'd pull my child out of the first week of kindergarten, unless it was hyper-critical (for example, a death in the family). PPs have mentioned how important that first week is, and that's true. Kids need time to adjust to a new setting, new friends, a new authority figure...that first week is very important.

3. Your health and well-being - my two c-sections were both mildly complicated and I ended up feeling like crap for way longer than five weeks after birth. Flying would be risky, IMO. You'll be uncomfortable and who knows what effect it could have on your health? Plus, the thought of having a lap baby on a long flight after you've just had a c-section five weeks earlier...it's unthinkable that your family would ask this of you.

4. Family expectations with little return - so you're being asked to become a workhorse for this event, yet you're not even invited to the rehearsal? Taking one's family for granted is very easy to do but often leaves lingering resentment. Fulfilling their expectations and possibly experiencing resentment as a result could do more damage than not attending would.

Anyway, I'd suggest that there are a myriad of valid reasons for you not to attend. Yes, it's her big day but YOU are going to be having your own big day - the birth of your next child. One shouldn't take away from the other, and it's a pity your mom and sister don't seem to understand this.

 

[dimimi]

I have read everyone's comments and this is all I have to add:

I could not imagine missing my sister's wedding.

I would not pull my child out of week 1 of kindergarten.

I would go with just my baby and myself. I have had major abdominal surgery and as long as things go ok, you would be fine to travel. (of course I'm no doctor)

You could tell your sister that your presence will be your gift.

I agree that if you tell your sister that you cannot attend because you can't afford it, you will hear comments about how you spend your mondy. For example, if you plan a summer vacation or fall get-away...you may hear unkind comments on how you chose to spend your money.

Are you sure airfare is $500? If you are paying back the hospital in payments, which I agree is a good idea, just pay a little less per month and add a couple more months so you can pay off the wedding trip.

You will only be paying for meals for 1 person. Good luck. I missed a friend's wedding when my first son was young. We had just made the 8 hour drive the week before and the thought of driving alone with my 1 year old was too much for me. I did not attend the wedding and to this day regret my decision. I can't imagine it making a big difference to pay a couple more months to pay off the hospital bill.

Good luck with your decision.

 

[NemoMOm]

Robsmom,

I did not tell her or my mom I could not go due to kindergarten, I said my DH and boys could not. My DMIL offered to go with me to the wedding to help with the baby. So, I planned on going. However, I now have 3k in additional medical expenses which brings me to a gran finale of 10k this year. I planned on 7, 6 for the delivery and another 1k for doc visits since my ins does not cover maternity. I've also had additional expenses such as have a skin spot removed due to skin cancer, not covered. I want bore you with the details but we are not spending money any where else. I even need a new sofa, mine is 11 years old and DS5 threw up on 3 mos ago due to flu. No matter how I scrub, I can't get the smell out Not getting a new sofa cause I can't pay all of the medical expenses that have come up. How should I come up with 1200 to go to the wedding. We are not even taking a vacation this year

 

[njsweetP]

I already commented once, but wanted to add that I would not be taking a 5 week old baby on a plane ride. When my first was born my pediatrician said not to take her out for 3 months. She was born in Feb. That was probably going overboard, but with all the germs that float around on those planes, why risk getting the little one getting sick?

 

[robinb]

You keep on coming back to the money. You are a parent. Put yourself 20 years in the future and one of your kids can't make it to one of the other kid's wedding because of financial problems not of their own making and you had plenty of money. Wouldn't you do everything in your power to bring your kids together? Have a heart-to-heart with your mom. Tell her the only way you and your new baby can go is if she pays. If she says "no" then it is no longer your problem.

I totally agree with Hannathy. Your relationship with your mom and sister WILL change if you choose not to go. It's up to you if you want to make the effort to retain family harmony or not.

 

[Cooky]

To OP,

Please do what is best for you in your circumstances. It is perfectly fine to decline a wedding invitation (even your sister's.)

Living away from family members is hard. It requires sacrifices and understanding on everyone's part.

You have a lot of stressful things (good and bad) going on in your life right now. Really, your mother and sister should be more understanding, but sometimes people get all wrapped up in their wedding preparations and it distorts their sense and sensibility.

Simply tell your sister how sorry you are that you will not be able to attend, wish her happiness on her big day and then, forget about it.

There's no way of telling if it will affect your relationship with them. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. But you need to take care of yourself and your family. For health, financial and other family reasons you should stay home. You can send a card or a gift or whatever else you choose. For your sake, don't think you need to make or send an "extra special gift" because you're not going. You shouldn't get involved in extra projects right now.

You are entitled to happily spend this year preparing for the arrival of your baby and your son starting kindergarten and all the other happy little things in between without worrying about the wedding. It goes to your character as to what a thoughtful and caring person you are that you want to make everyone happy, but trust me you can't.

For what it's worth, I don't think your son should miss the first day of school. It's possible it may be harder for him to fit in if he does not start the same way all the other children in his class do. (His big special day is just as important as your sister's.)

So again, take care of yourself and eliminate as much stress as you can. Simplify your life and enjoy it.

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

I would do what is right for my family, meaning my spouse and my children. Kindergarten is important to your child. I don't know if I could travel so soon after a C-section. I wouldn't go if it wasn't the right thing for my family. And the extra expense on top of the medical bills that you have. Nah, I wouldn't go.

 

[Sweet]

Tough situation, but you deserve to vent!

 

[Ephany]

OP, as a person who's got way too much drama from their mother and sister (and sister's wedding plans) I really don't think you should go. Traveling with an infant by yourself is exhausting, I did it with DD post c-section at 6 weeks (driving) and at 5 months (cross country flight) and it was HARD. You have to manage the car seat, the stroller, the luggage, the baby and yourself. Funny enough, at 6 weeks I took her to my DH's aunt's vow renewal ceremony and it was miserable. She cried the whole time, his whole family wanted to hold her (understandable, but it was winter and they were all coughy/phlemgy). I was completely guilt-tripped into going and in hindsight I should have stood my ground and said no.

Also when I went in for my 6 week check-up, there was a small section of the incision that hadn't completely healed. I felt fine, but when the doctor examined it, it exploded a huge pocket of blood. I'm not trying to scare you or freak you out, but what if something goes wrong while you're traveling? You'll be alone, with an infant, with minimal support or help. Frankly I can't believe that your mother or sister really think it's a great idea for you to travel such a short time after giving birth.

I wish you all the best and hope things work out for you.

 

[EclecticWAHM]

I think you need to do what's right for you and your family. If it causes drama or problems with your sister and mom, it just means they are being unreasonable. Cutting off a relationship or giving guilt trips to someone who's in a difficult financial position is just reprehensible and childish. With all of your unexpected expenses and coming off a c-section and being expected to do expensive travel with a newborn, to me, seems unreasonable. Sometimes even family can't make it to important events. It doesn't mean family is any less loved.

Frankly, I think family members who stop speaking to each other over stuff like this are totally immature drama queens who just thrive on making issues out of things. Yes, weddings are special and important but they're not the be-all-end-all of existence and people shouldn't stake their happiness on events. You never know what might be going on in someone's life that makes it difficult or impossible to travel or spend a lot of money to make it to an event. Family should be more understanding of each other.