OT-Sorry, I need to vent-sisters wedding

[NemoMOm]

I'm sorry I just need to vent. A few weeks ago, my mom and I got into a huge fight (which we have never had) because I found my sisters wedding is the Friday after labor day. My DS starts kindergarten that week. I told her I would go with my new 5 week old baby cause I did not want my DS to miss the first week of school. Apparently according to mom and sis that is totally unreasonable. Its just kindergarten and he should be able to make it. See my mom just spent 2 weeks on vacation and spending a week at the wedding and can not take time to visit us. I live 3000 miles from everyone. She has not seen her grandkids in 2 yrs and is really angry that I will not bring them out there.

The expenses would be nuts.
$1000 for air as my mom offered to pay the other 1000 for all of us.
$500 for rental car and do not ask how I would get 3 car seats out there.
$5oo for hotel
$300-500 for food and stuff

So, I also mentioned that this was a lot of money for us to spend since I'm pregnant and have to pay for about 80% of hospital bill which in the past has been about 5-6k plus my doctor bills. Which we have an hsa for and have put $$ aside but still this is just too much $$

Then 3 weeks ago DS2 had to be rushed to the hospital by ambulance for breathing issues which is about another 3k.

I get an email today with my sister asking what the head counts is for the wedding, after I've made it clear we can not go I have not even recieved an invitation yet I just know that this is going to cause another blow up as she likes to cause trouble.

Sorry, I'm so stressed and it felt better to tell someone other than DH

 

[DisneyAndRedSox]

You deserve to vent! I wouldn't expect you to show up since you will have a 5 week old baby (...and 2 other kids!)

Also, I couldn't make my DD miss her first week of kindergarten. My DD is only 4 and can't wait to start, she would be so upset if she missed the first week of school. If she could start tomorrow, she would!

 

[mster425]

Are none of you going, or just your son is staying home?

I HATE family guilt trips, especially when there's large amounts of money I don't have involved!

That said, your sister's wedding is a memory you will both have forever; she could just honestly want you there and not be trying to cause trouble. Health issues and budget busters are one thing, but don't let the drama be the reason you don't go!!

Good luck!

 

[Teresa Pitman]

Practice saying this:

"I'm so sorry that I won't be able to attend your wedding. I wish I could, I'm sure it's going to be a wonderful day. But it just won't work out for our family."

Then if she yells and gets upset, you just repeat:

"Yes, I'm really sorry that I can't come. I wish I could."

People can't get an argument going with you if you just keep saying "I'm sorry." Don't try to explain your reasons (that just gives them something to argue with you about). Just keep saying (with sincerity, because I'm sure you really do wish you could be there) "I'm sorry I can't come. I wish I could."

Teresa

 

[hercamore]

Oh boy, tough situation.

If it were me with a newborn and a 2 other small ones flying that far costing that much, I think I would have to send my regrets.

herc.

 

[Hannathy]

Does he start on Friday or earlier in the week? If it is earlier why does he have to miss all week? couldn't you fly in Wed or Thursday? I can see not wanting to miss the first day but after that would be ok.

Why don't just you go to the wedding? The baby would fly for free. Is there no way someone could pick you up at the airport? do you need a $500 car(that seems very high)
Is this a destination wedding? you mention hotel. Is there no one you could stay with?

I guess I would look for compromises and ways to save money rather than miss my sisters wedding. If it was my sister I would be there and be pretty upset if my sister didn't come to mine. You have a long time to work out the kinks but I really think you should make all efforts to get there, because I don't see any that couldn't be over come.

 

[NemoMOm]

I had offered to go alone but with all the expenses I just can not.

Also the drama is really stressful as I do not like this kind of stuff. My sister loves to cause problems. After my fight with my mom, which my mom told her about, she called to inform me that my mom had just called her to add another week ou there. See, one of the things about the fight with my mom was that she could easily come out here because she can afford it where we can not, but she has visited other family for the last 2.5 years instead then has no time off from work to visit us. My mom never called her and is only spending 1 week out there. We are not close because this stuff happens with her all the time. In fact, when I was fighting with my mom, she said it was my duty to help my sister be a better person. She's 30!

Sorry, I'm venting again.

Are none of you going, or just your son is staying home?

I HATE family guilt trips, especially when there's large amounts of money I don't have involved!

That said, your sister's wedding is a memory you will both have forever; she could just honestly want you there and not be trying to cause trouble. Health issues and budget busters are one thing, but don't let the drama be the reason you don't go!!

Good luck!

 

[HunnyPots]

Most people fail to understand that their wedding is not the be-all end-all event of a lifetime to others that it is to them. No way would I be flying 3000 miles with a newborn and two other children in tow. Send a nice card.

 

[deerhart]

As with any wedding, you have to decide if your able to go given the circumstances, dates, finances etc..

I would never plan to attend a wedding within weeks of having a baby,no matter WHO'S wedding it was, but that's just me. You never know what will happen and what stage of recovery you will be in. What if you have to have a c-section, etc..

I also would not plan to pull my kids out of school and fly cross country for a wedding either.

 

[tinkarooni]

I agree with OP, although some grownups may think Kindergarten is no big deal, the first week is when they learn so much. Where their seats are, where the bathroom is, schedule, they get into routine. I don't think a child should miss this. This is a tough one OP, I feel you're pain spoken as a daughter who lives 400 miles from her family. We have had a lot of problems over the years when family can't understand why we can't pull the kids ot of school for every thing. Good Luck to you.

 

[tink1969]

Wow! I can't believe how much it costs to have a baby at a hospital in the U.S.! Then 3k because your son needed to go to the hospital for breathing problems? Very glad I don't have to worry about those expenses here

Now, to your family problem. I would think that your sister would understand your situation. I'm sure she would love to have you and your family there for the wedding. But given the fact that you will have a newborn and a child starting kindergarten (which, yes, is a big deal!) I would just tell her you are very sorry but you just are unable to make the trip.

Would you be able to fly to see her in the early summer for a few days before the baby comes? Your husband/friend/MIL could take care of your other children and you could have a couple of days to spend with your sister.
Just a thought. I'm not sure how close you are to your sister.

 

[NemoMOm]

I actually do have to have c-section because my first 2 were complicated. But I still was trying to make the effort but now I have almost 10k in medical expenses and I just can not afford it. I plan on sending a gift, although my DH does not want to because of all the drama(I'm crying a lot) but I'm still going to. I just do not understand why they can not understand why I can not go.

As with any wedding, you have to decide if your able to go given the circumstances, dates, finances etc..

I would never plan to attend a wedding within weeks of having a baby,no matter WHO'S wedding it was, but that's just me. You never know what will happen and what stage of recovery you will be in. What if you have to have a c-section, etc..

I also would not plan to pull my kids out of school and fly cross country for a wedding either.

 

[hffmnheidi]

Since you can't go, what about making or buying her a wedding scrapbook? You could even get a friend to take a family picture of your family in nice clothes and add it into the book, as if you were guests at the wedding.

 

[NemoMOm]

Thanks for all the support guys.

An uncomplicated c-section is about 6k, my first was higher due to complication

You guys have wonderful gift ideas, I have been already told she would prefer a check, but I'm going to send a gift instead

 

[Motherofboys]

Tell your sister that if you come to the wedding, you won't be able to afford to get her a gift.

If you don't come, you will send her a nice card and $500. See what she says

Also remind her that you will have a 5 week old baby that will likely cry a lot during the ceremony and reception

Then tell your mother that if she can afford $1000 for airfare to get you to the wedding, she can afford to come visit you and see her grandkids.

Weekday weddings are a bit rude, IMO My SIL got married on a Thursday b/c it was cheaper for her, which meant my DH had to be there for the rehearsal on Wednesday which meant 3 days off from work and pulling my son out of school for 3 days.

 

[Pakey]

OP, I would not stress too much over it. You have to do what's best for your family. I never expect my adult children to come visit me. If I want to see them, I can go to them a lot easier.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I can understand given your circumstances of why you cannot go.

But I would also do what I can IF I AM ABLE to try and get myself to go.

Controlling family or not, weird famly or not, mountains out of molehills or not, they are family and a wedding isn't just a spur of the moment event.

I would do what is best, but present the facts as they are. You can only do what will work for you, but if you try--it at least comes across better than to draw a line and say no can do.

I would save money--make no plans until you have your baby and then find what flight and arrangements that I could at the last minute to go. I.e.--if baby is born on time--or even 2 weeks late, you sometimes can still get a decent airfare with 3 weeks notice especially if you have access to southwest.

It is crushing if someone important in your life cannot attend an event--so this is why effort is important. But it isn't something you can plan now b/c you don't have any clue of when your baby will be born or what your recovery will be or how baby's first days will be.

I'm trying to be sensitive to you--and I feel you have every right to be upset about how they are treating you.

I recall that my sister's 2nd wedding was in Hawaii. We could not attend and we were adament due to the expense. It wasn't b/c it was her second wedding, but due to the crazy costs involved. (her first marriage was abusive, so I don't hold it against her that she left that marriage and later remarried.)

One day though--she had a breakdown. She understood, but she literally had noone from our side of the family to be by her side. She was crushed. DH both knew the rational side---well, you pick an expensive destination, that is what happens. But that didn't do much to make her feel better.

In the end, we negotiated with them. I stayed in their condo rental--I was on a limited budget. I had to take my nursing 23 month old with me as a lap child (that was fun ) and I was on a limited time frame. My expenses were the $500+ airline ticket and food. We gifted them hotel points for their wedding night so that ummm...well--they didn't get stuck sharing with me. My gift other than that was simply my presence.

Sometimes your presences is more important than any other tangible item.

Now if I was having a baby, it might have been different--but I wasn't pregnant, so that made realitya bit more easy.

Just try to see it from the Bride's viewpoint and not from your controlling mom's viewpoint.

As it stands, your OB may prohibit travel anyway. But it really allows you to demonstrate that you made the effort, but it truly is impossible.


Also--see if you can try attending the wedding remotely.

I can't recall whose wedding I went to...I think it was my cousin. And through a comedy of troublesome delays, the groom's sibling could not get to the wedding. They attended via skype or equivilant. Someone set up a laptop, so the ceremony was transmitted and the computer represented them.

Sorry for the long winded post--it's hard to deal with a bridezilla family when they behave like one.

 

[deerhart]

I actually do have to have c-section because my first 2 were complicated. But I still was trying to make the effort but now I have almost 10k in medical expenses and I just can not afford it. I plan on sending a gift, although my DH does not want to because of all the drama(I'm crying a lot) but I'm still going to. I just do not understand why they can not understand why I can not go.

Because they are being selfish and self centered. Instead of understanding why you can't be there, they are focused on how it would RUIN her day not to get HER way (same thing with the check)!

They should step back and just be glad that they have to deal with this issue. Your here, healthy and alive to have this argument with. Too many of us have loved ones that never get the opportunity to turn down the invitation!

But to REALLY get you off the hook, tell them you discussed the trip with your doctor and the doc advised that due to your c-section, chance at clotting/complications with sitting through a 4+ hour plane flight, plus hauling all the stuff, that he has denied you medical clearance to attend

Trust me, WORKS LIKE A CHARM!! My doc made me use it for at least 6 weeks after both my kids were born, my ped made us use it for 4 months after my oldest was born (strict rules on crowds, people holding him etc..) and I tell my clients all the time to tell people that their attorney made them do it. Even heard many a judge tell people and attorney's to just blame the judge to deal with similiar type situations.

 

[sk!mom]

I'm sorry that your family is causing stress.

If going isn't possible then just respond to the email with, "I'm very sad but we aren't going to be able to make it." No excuses- they don't want to see your situation and giving reasons just gives them arguments. You do not owe an explanation.

 

[dallastxcpa]

Wow, this is your sisters wedding. I am sorry but kindergarten is not that important. You need to be honest with your sister. It sounds like you are finding every execuse not to go and have no intention of going to her wedding so you should tell her now.

Regardless you will have to live with the consequences. If it were me and my sister didn't show up I think that would be the end of our relationship.