OT: Should I tell my son @ Santa?

[MSSANDRA]

I agree that at 9 he "knows", but he is not ready to admit that he does. Unless he asked right out if Santa is real, I would wait till well after Christmas and then have the talk. Remind him there are reasons that parents do not tell thier children everything and discuss how now you are aware that he wants to be treated more like a "grown-up". If however he asked for the "truth", I would be honest with him.

 

[DominicaAnne]

To the OP: This is exactly why we are never going to lie to our daughter (turning 1 next week) about Santa. We don't want her to think that it's okay to lie, and we don't want to give her any reason not to trust us. I haven't read any of the previous responses that you have received, but I definitely think you need to tell your son (and possibly your daughter to avoid a similar situation a few years down the line) that the mythical Santa does not exist. We plan on telling DD the story of the real Santa and explaining to her that a lot of kids believe in the mythical Santa and that she should not be mean to them, but I'm not going to tell my daughter to lie to other children either.

Good luck with your son. Hopefully he'll understand that you lied to him with good intentions, not to hurt him.

 

[starbox]

To the OP: This is exactly why we are never going to lie to our daughter (turning 1 next week) about Santa. We don't want her to think that it's okay to lie, and we don't want to give her any reason not to trust us.

This was our approach - told the toddler children that Santa was a wonderful make-believe game, yadda yadda yadda. We NEVER said he was real, NEVER emphasized him. Then - around age four or five they just really started to believe in Santa - don't know if it was school or friends or what - but they were really invested in it. At that point, it just seemed evil to ruin the magic and say "Look kid, we told you it's a make-believe story last year and the year before that so get over it! SANTA IS A MYTHICAL CREATURE!!! You are not allowed to think he is REAL!" So - we let them believe but did not play it up.

When I saw that they really, really wanted to believe - I did set some standards. Santa brings each child ONE modest gift . Anything beyond that is really from a mommy or a daddy. (As a kid, I remember being bothered by Toys for Tots and the idea that Santa did not bring poor kids the same amount of toys rich kids got).

Not to say that your one year old won't totally get the "Santa is just a story" talk - but a little warning that kids have really selective memories and kid logic - and sometimes they believe in all sorts of magical things.

 

[bumbershoot]

And i do agree, once you know about Santa, it does seem like the magic is gone...

FWIW, I grew up in a house that did not have the kids believe in Santa (though we played with the myth...funny how Santa becomes a doll that always ended his route at OUR house, but then, my mom's cookies were really good! recently he's been ending his route at MY house, but we put out wine for him...), and for ME, the magic was in "how the heck did my mom DO that in an 800 sq ft house, when NO presents were out when we went to bed, our bedrooms were maybe 6 feet from the tree (well, brother's was more like 9 feet), and it was all done and gorgeous when we woke up?????" My mom was magic, no need for Santa.


My stepmom continues to insist her kids believe, or they won't get presents. Her kids are 27, 25, and 15. I do not understand her.

This was our approach - told the toddler children that Santa was a wonderful make-believe game, yadda yadda yadda. We NEVER said he was real, NEVER emphasized him. Then - around age four or five they just really started to believe in Santa - don't know if it was school or friends or what - but they were really invested in it. At that point, it just seemed evil to ruin the magic and say "Look kid, we told you it's a make-believe story last year and the year before that so get over it! SANTA IS A MYTHICAL CREATURE!!! You are not allowed to think he is REAL!" So - we let them believe but did not play it up.

OMG my son has now done this too!!!!! We *never* did the Santa thing, then either last Yule or the one before, he piped up with "I believe in Santa" from the backseat one day, and refuses to unbelieve. I haven't gotten on his case about it...when he asks if Santa is real I just ask what he thinks...recently it's been "I think you are my Santa, but there's also a REAL Santa, and you guys give me presents too". It's so confusing...



OP I have no advice. I was a sensitive person too, and that's why my mom never started the Santa stuff with me. She knew I was going to have a VERY bad reaction to finding out later that she had lied about it, so she just never started it.

 

[Skooch]

I believe in Santa Claus and my kids believe in Santa Claus. Good enough for me.

 

[eeyoremum]

To the OP: This is exactly why we are never going to lie to our daughter (turning 1 next week) about Santa. We don't want her to think that it's okay to lie, and we don't want to give her any reason not to trust us. I haven't read any of the previous responses that you have received, but I definitely think you need to tell your son (and possibly your daughter to avoid a similar situation a few years down the line) that the mythical Santa does not exist. We plan on telling DD the story of the real Santa and explaining to her that a lot of kids believe in the mythical Santa and that she should not be mean to them, but I'm not going to tell my daughter to lie to other children either.

Good luck with your son. Hopefully he'll understand that you lied to him with good intentions, not to hurt him.

I could never figure out how allowing a child to believe in Santa is a lie? and teaching kids to lie. If you are honest with yourself and others we as a people lie all the time. What are you going to do when your daughter puts together an outfit that is just plain ugly? Are you going to say that to her? or tell her she looks great?

How about when your 4 year old makes you toast with what I am sure was a pound of butter and every bit of sugar you had in the house (because you were out of cinnamon) do you say you could not possible eat it because it is the most disgusting thing on the face of the planet? Let me tell you (because I know) you will choak it back come *ell or high water then say to her it was the best thing you ever had. Sorry to say that is sometimes parenting.

Frankly I don't know of any kid that is in therapy or was scared for life because of a belief in Santa. You say your daughter is only 1 before you know it they will be 15 and too old for the "nonsense" of Christmas. Don't spoil the time you have for her to believe in the magic.

Also, I think you find if your little give away the secret to another child at school or on the playground you will have to deal with some VERY angry parents.

 

[Skooch]

Someone please explain to me how Santa is a "Lie"

Read the lyrics to the song that I posted.... What is "Real" to you? Santa does not have to be a physical entity, Santa is an idea and believing in an idea or wanting to believe is not a "Lie" it is part of being human. How many of you who don't want to "Lie" to your kids are Christian? There are many who say that Jesus is an idea and not a physical entity..... You call it faith and that faith is what makes Christianity beautiful. Childhood gets shorter every year and kids are not kids for long anymore. I find that to be tragic.

 

[mawaru]

I agree that at 9 he "knows", but he is not ready to admit that he does. Unless he asked right out if Santa is real, I would wait till well after Christmas and then have the talk. Remind him there are reasons that parents do not tell thier children everything and discuss how now you are aware that he wants to be treated more like a "grown-up". If however he asked for the "truth", I would be honest with him.

I agree with mssandra. That would be the best approach in my opinion.

 

[drcbpearce]

It's a tough job being a parent. Tougher than I ever would have thought possible. We have to negotiate an increasingly hostile world and guide our children the best way we possibly can. And some times, that will include a 'white lie', a stretching of the truth, if you will. Maybe because the child isn't old enough to really understand the reasoning behind a decision or action. Who came up with the 'Stork' but parents somewhere when their 3 yo asked where babies come from. Not that I ever condone lying just for the sake of lying. Lying in our house is an act worthy of consequences. And if you think for one second there were no consequences to the 'story' I told my children about our dog, there were. It's called guilt and remorse.

We must make choices and decisions for our children based on what we feel is best for us and our children, such as breast or bottle, should we name him/her after a relative or a cartoon character, public or private. All of these things we must do and I feel that we should be tolerant of each other's ideas and beliefs, so long as no harm is being done to the child.

I knew I was going to get a widely varying opinion base on this post. I am surprised that some people feel Santa is a 'lie'. I agree with Skooch and the others that Santa is a feeling. What about Guardian Angels? I personally have never seen them, but I have had too many things happen in my life that are truly unexplainable, other than someone or something was guiding or protecting. All of the religious entities that we believe in, be it Jesus, Allah, Buddha, we can't see, touch, feel, hear any of them, we have no physical proof any of them ever existed and yet we believe in them. Some people so fervently they become a bit on the side of a zealot or even fanatical. For me, I'd rather believe and once I'm there find out the truth, than to not believe and get there and find out He is real and I'm in trouble!

So I say, HO HO HO Merry Christmas to all, and to all goodnight! (Unless you're Jewish and then I'll say Happy Hanukkah!) And let the spirit of giving and love and kindness continue on past the holiday season. There are many people out there who are in dire need of some love and compassion.

 

[samshane]

To this day my mom has never told me there is no such thing as Santa - I never asked and I never will And I am much older than 9...

As for my own kids - I suspect my DD10 and DD9 don't believe anymore - but they haven't asked recently and I surely won't volunteer the information. One asked when she was 7 and I asked her, Do you believe?" She said yes and I told her she was right. I don't feel like it was a lie - it's something to believe in - I agree with the poster who said why does the belief in Santa have to be a physical entity?

Everyone has to do what works for them - but I for one won't tell my children... and I bet they'll go right along with it. Cause I suspect they don't want to hurt my feelings by saying Santa isn't real. But I know my 7yr old loves the idea of Santa - and why ruin that for him? He's growing up fast enough as it is...

 

[rubato]

I struggled with this when I was pregnant. Do I or don't I start the Santa thing? As a christian, Jesus is my priority at Christmas. Then, family. But, I'll tell you what. When my just turned 2 year old son saw Santa at the mall, that was it! He ran as fast as he could to get to him. How did he know? The look on my sons face was all the convincing I needed. Santa started coming to our house that year.

At our church, we celebrate St. Nicholas, who comes and puts candy into the childrens shoes. So, now that my son is 10 and starting to question the existence of Santa, I'm going to start steering him towards St. Nicholas. I don't want him to think it's all been a sham.

Last year was the first year he asked me if Santa was real. And, he was 9. So, don't think that a 9 year old absolutely knows the truth. Some of us have tried really hard to keep our children as innocent as possible. He figured the Easter Bunny out because he caught me. But, he still believes in the tooth fairy and Santa.

It's certainly is tough being a parent. No one told me that every single thing I did could have a lifetime of impact on him and everyone around him! UGH!!!

 

[lpoeppelman]

EVERY child is different. And only you can gauge when he/she is ready, unfortunately. My DS #1 was 10 before we finally told him (only b/c we didn't want him getting teased at school/on the bus). DS #2 still totally believes and is 8. But I do know kids that know earlier; however, I don't think it is their choice to know unless they are asking lots of questions. DS #1 said he always wondered... but I regret telling him, I mean, he would have asked if he wanted to really know.

Just my opinion. Kids change a lot between ages 8 and 11 too. They become so much more independent IMO.

Good luck!

 

[EcbLovesMickey]

Of course he's real! I mean if he's not it must be some global conspiracy right, I mean movies, books, songs, all about someone who doesn't exist?

"DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old.
"Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
"Papa says, 'If you see it in THE SUN it's so.'
"Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?

"VIRGINIA O'HANLON.
"115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET."

VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

My take on all this is, life is hard, but for a few brief years in childhood we get to believe that magic exist. We can see fairies and Santa and Reindeer in the sky. Then we spend the rest of our life cynical, debunking everything we believed in as a child. Let your child hold onto that innocence for as long as you can. Once it's gone he will never get it back and the world is a very scary place without Fairies and pixie dust.

 

[crisi]

Someone please explain to me how Santa is a "Lie"

Read the lyrics to the song that I posted.... What is "Real" to you? Santa does not have to be a physical entity, Santa is an idea and believing in an idea or wanting to believe is not a "Lie" it is part of being human. How many of you who don't want to "Lie" to your kids are Christian? There are many who say that Jesus is an idea and not a physical entity..... You call it faith and that faith is what makes Christianity beautiful. Childhood gets shorter every year and kids are not kids for long anymore. I find that to be tragic.

The question is not what is 'real' to you - but what do your kids mean when they ask that question. If your seven year old says "Mom, is Santa real?" he isn't asking about the existence of the Santa myth, or the spirit of Christmas - he is saying "Mom, is there really a fat guy in a red suit who comes down our chimney on Christmas Eve and leaves presents." Answer him otherwise and you are being disingenuous - and to a seven year old, that's the same as lying.

I have no problem with playing along with the Santa thing - we did it. But when our kids got to the age where they started questioning it, we never implied that Santa was a physical being. We asked them what they thought. I don't blame a kid - who is often being teased at school for believing - in feeling that his parents betrayed him with misleading statements when he asked direct questions. One of my daughters good friends was put in that position - parents who insisted Santa was 'real,' who turned the girl into a laughingstock in the classroom because she persisted long after the other kids did because "my parents wouldn't lie to me." They meant no harm, they wanted to keep the magic going for her - but they broke her trust and now there is a fourth grader who doesn't trust her parents to tell her the truth.

 

[Skooch]

The question is not what is 'real' to you - but what do your kids mean when they ask that question. If your seven year old says "Mom, is Santa real?" he isn't asking about the existence of the Santa myth, or the spirit of Christmas - he is saying "Mom, is there really a fat guy in a red suit who comes down our chimney on Christmas Eve and leaves presents." Answer him otherwise and you are being disingenuous - and to a seven year old, that's the same as lying.

I have no problem with playing along with the Santa thing - we did it. But when our kids got to the age where they started questioning it, we never implied that Santa was a physical being. We asked them what they thought. I don't blame a kid - who is often being teased at school for believing - in feeling that his parents betrayed him with misleading statements when he asked direct questions. One of my daughters good friends was put in that position - parents who insisted Santa was 'real,' who turned the girl into a laughingstock in the classroom because she persisted long after the other kids did because "my parents wouldn't lie to me." They meant no harm, they wanted to keep the magic going for her - but they broke her trust and now there is a fourth grader who doesn't trust her parents to tell her the truth.

If either of my kids asked me if there was a man that came down our chimney I would certainly say no.... I mean we don't even have a chimney. I know of no one on a leather couch because of parents not telling the "Truth" about Santa Claus and if anyone as an adult feels that they were "Betrayed" then there were likely much bigger family issues in the first place. As for the whole "Laughing Stock" argument, I am not going to live my life nor should my children worried about changing themselves and who they are to fit into a mold or to be one of the sheepish masses. I suppose this is why we are homeschooling...

 

[crisi]

If you want to interpret the question that way, your business. Just don't be surprised when the kids later interpret your answer as "my mom lied to me."

 

[Tiggs14]

My 5 year old told me there is no such thing as Santa the other day. I asked him why and he said because he uses our wrapping paper and writes just like I do!

I was a bit floored and told him we'd have to wait and see if he's real. While I have no problem with him knowing the truth I do have an issue with him ruining it for less observant children including his 4 year old brother.

I expected at some point this would come up but that point wasn't at 5 years old!

 

[eeyoremum]

The question is not what is 'real' to you - but what do your kids mean when they ask that question. If your seven year old says "Mom, is Santa real?" he isn't asking about the existence of the Santa myth, or the spirit of Christmas - he is saying "Mom, is there really a fat guy in a red suit who comes down our chimney on Christmas Eve and leaves presents." Answer him otherwise and you are being disingenuous - and to a seven year old, that's the same as lying.

I have no problem with playing along with the Santa thing - we did it. But when our kids got to the age where they started questioning it, we never implied that Santa was a physical being. We asked them what they thought. I don't blame a kid - who is often being teased at school for believing - in feeling that his parents betrayed him with misleading statements when he asked direct questions. One of my daughters good friends was put in that position - parents who insisted Santa was 'real,' who turned the girl into a laughingstock in the classroom because she persisted long after the other kids did because "my parents wouldn't lie to me." They meant no harm, they wanted to keep the magic going for her - but they broke her trust and now there is a fourth grader who doesn't trust her parents to tell her the truth.

Here is my take on the whole when a child asks question.

My theory is if they ask the parent in private they really want to know the truth. If they ask the parent in puplic, around siblings, friends, your friends or other family members they likely already know the answer but DON'T really want to know the answer.

My nine year old has asked in front of my friends and his younger cousins. He has even told me "he knows the secret" but I know he is not ready for me or his dad to confirm or deny the reality of the situation.

Hopefully he catches on soon because his brother was in grade 7 (12 years old) when his teacher made a comment in class about the myth of Santa. He came home and snooped and discovered the truth. He didn't ask until almost Christmas the following year. I honestly wondered why my 13 year old still believed in Santa.

 

[WantToGoNow]

My ds8 asked me point blank last year 2 weeks before Christmas if Santa was real. At the time, I did the standard "what do you think" answer. The following morning when just he/I were up, he asked again. I asked him then if he was sure that he really wanted to know the truth and he said yes. If I had answered with anything other than "he's not real like you or me but more the spirit of the holiday season" then I would have been lying to him. His next statement summed it up when he said to me "so it is just a lie". Why do we try to justify that it's for their own good when we lie to children?

Santa is a mythical holiday figure not a real person. When children ask if Santa is real, they are not asking if he's a mythical figure but if he's a real person like you and me. And the answer to that is no.

I never introduced either he or dd5 to the Easter Bunny - I sure wasn't going to expect them to believe a rabbit hopped all over the world and delivered baskets.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

I am in a real quandary and need some advice from others who have gone before me. My DS is 9yo and a very sweet and caring boy. Example, during 'March of the Penguins' when one of the eggs hits the ice and they show the rapid progression of the egg freezing, he boohooed for ten minutes. when the ASPCA commercial w/Sarah Maclaclan comes on and shows the poor homeless pets, he cries b/c it's so sad how some people treat animals. Earlier this week, I accidentally let it slip that when he was 3 and my DD was a baby, we had to take our dog back to the SPCA b/c he had become aggressive and we were afraid he might bite one of them. We had always told them that the dog had run away. He truly did get out of our yard on a regular basis, so this was not a stretch. but when it slipped out about him a few days ago, my DS became very upset. I apologized to him and explained the reason we had told him that was b/c he was too young to really understand then. I told him we loved them more than the dog and if I had to make a choice, it would my children every time. His response, 'It's all been a lie!" Made me feel horrible, but I know why I did it and I don't regret it. But then he asked if there were any other 'lies' I'd told him and made me promise to never lie to him again.

Here's my quandary. I nearly told him right then about Santa, but my 6yo DD was less than 10ft away from us. I don't want to ruin the magic for her. I am really tempted to let him in on the 'secret', I really think he can keep it to himself and that it will make him feel like he's being allowed into a club. So....who has gone thru this and how did it turn out? Advice please!

Good for you, raising a compassionate child. It can be a job. I was a crier at the dead squirrels on the road, and my mom had to deal with it. I think that a child his age is old enough to know compassion for living, breathing real things. And join you in the "secret" of Santa. Make it a privilege, and know that he really might know and just not have said anything so that your surprise wasn't ruined.

Not believing in Santa is far from cynical! What a leap! As we grow up we learn that all of the good out there is in real live loving people. Not magic. That is the normal transition.