OT: SAHM vent...

[Baloosgirl23]

Hi DIS friends!

So, this past January, DH and I both decided that I would become a full time SAHM of our now 18 month old DD. Prior to that I had been working out of the house for 2 days and at home for 3 days each week. However, now I'm home with DD 24/7 and am feeling a lot of stress.

It seems like all of the responsibilites have fallen on my shoulders a lot lately and DH seems like his life hasn't changed much since DD was born. Not only am I to take care of DD all day but also both dogs (and some days they seem worse than DD), the house, laundry, cooking, shopping, bills, etc... I never seem to get time to myself and when I bring it up to DH he acts like I'm the one not 'willing' to do anything for myself. When would I have time to? Inbetween his work schedule and his new found golf addiction, I'm not really sure where that time would be? Then, if I do take some time to do something (of course that doesn't cost a lot of money because we're trying to pay bills down), he seems annoyed when I get home.

DD is a good sleeper too. She goes to bed around 7 pm and gets up around 7 am. Again, I'm the one that gets up with her EVERY DAY (even weekends) while DH usually sleeps in -- must be nice, right?! He usually leaves for work between 8:30 - 9:00 am so that means I've been up with DD at least 1.5 - 2 hours already.

Don't get me wrong, DH is a GREAT dad and loves DD more than life itself. However, this routine is getting real old, real fast! I'm losing my calmness with DD during the day but it's because I'm so angry with DH.

I've tried talking to him and it does get better for a little bit, but then it always goes back to the same old thing. I know I'm not going to change him but was wondering if this is what all SAHM's go through?? Is this what my life will be like now?? I love my DD more than anything, but sometimes mommy needs a break!!! I've never not worked -- I've worked since I was 15 (now in my 30's) so this is totally new for me.

Sorry for the long post but I needed to vent a little. We live about 500 miles from our families too which doesn't help.

Thanks for listening!!

 

[msmayor]

I've been a SAHM for 18 years. I guess I look upon it this way: my DH's job is to bring the money in, mine is to take care of the kids and run the house.

I DO take care of nearly everything. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. I was always the one who got up with the kids early...I always felt that DH needed his rest to be his best at work. I handle the running of the house so DH doesn't have those worries on his plate.

Maybe its because my DH works some crazy long hours...often 10-11 hours a day...that I don't mind the long hours I have. I will say that he is always appreciative of my efforts, and doesn't mind if I take a couple of hours on the weekend to go out, and if I gave him enough notice (when the kids were younger) he'd try to get home early so I could go out with "the girls".

He sometimes tells me HE feels guilty for not doing more around the house on his own. I always tell him that if I want the help, I'll ask...and sure enough if I DO ask he's right there to take care of things.

 

[tinkermom23]

Hi DIS friends!

So, this past January, DH and I both decided that I would become a full time SAHM of our now 18 month old DD. Prior to that I had been working out of the house for 2 days and at home for 3 days each week. However, now I'm home with DD 24/7 and am feeling a lot of stress.

It seems like all of the responsibilites have fallen on my shoulders a lot lately and DH seems like his life hasn't changed much since DD was born. Not only am I to take care of DD all day but also both dogs (and some days they seem worse than DD), the house, laundry, cooking, shopping, bills, etc... I never seem to get time to myself and when I bring it up to DH he acts like I'm the one not 'willing' to do anything for myself. When would I have time to? Inbetween his work schedule and his new found golf addiction, I'm not really sure where that time would be? Then, if I do take some time to do something (of course that doesn't cost a lot of money because we're trying to pay bills down), he seems annoyed when I get home.

DD is a good sleeper too. She goes to bed around 7 pm and gets up around 7 am. Again, I'm the one that gets up with her EVERY DAY (even weekends) while DH usually sleeps in -- must be nice, right?! He usually leaves for work between 8:30 - 9:00 am so that means I've been up with DD at least 1.5 - 2 hours already.

Don't get me wrong, DH is a GREAT dad and loves DD more than life itself. However, this routine is getting real old, real fast! I'm losing my calmness with DD during the day but it's because I'm so angry with DH.

I've tried talking to him and it does get better for a little bit, but then it always goes back to the same old thing. I know I'm not going to change him but was wondering if this is what all SAHM's go through?? Is this what my life will be like now?? I love my DD more than anything, but sometimes mommy needs a break!!! I've never not worked -- I've worked since I was 15 (now in my 30's) so this is totally new for me.

Sorry for the long post but I needed to vent a little. We live about 500 miles from our families too which doesn't help.

Thanks for listening!!

Is there any sort of group you could be a part of? When I was a new SAHM we went to MOPS (Mothers of PreSchoolers) once a month. They had awesome Grandmothers int he nurseries and I got 2 hours of tie with other moms. I also joined a Bible study for young moms in our church. These, along with ECFE at our school gave me opportunities to be with other adults with similar circumstances and I made some great friends. We still get together now for playdates at the park or zoo outings...... and it's been 10 years!

It won't change the situation with DH, but it may give you another outlet and help you have a better perspective. It takes a while to grow into and work out your new roles in the family.
Good luck!!

 

[steph124ny]

I think you need to schedule some "me" time...tell the husband, and don;t feel even one teeny-tiny bit guilty about taking it. I stay home with my kids too, but 2 are school age so it is a bit easier I think. Whenever I start to feel pressured and stressed, I think of something fun to do with some of my other friends and make plans. I inform the husband what my plans are and that he needs to accomodate them. I'm not rude or argumentative about it...just "I'm going over to Tina's on Wednesday night so I need you to be home to watch the kiddos, OK? I'm leaving at 4 and I plan to be home around 11."

Guys don;t get it because they don't have to deal with it day in and day out. When my youngest was about 6months old and had weaned herself off the breastfeeding, my husband would be gone all the time. It was always one thing or another. I tried talking until I was blue in the face, but I didn;t seem to be getting through. So I called his boss, scheduled a week's vacation for him, and I took my mom to Vegas and left him home with the baby. Was he pissed? Oh yes....but I never got taken for granted again!!! LOL!

 

[sailors_wfe]

I have to admit, I feel the same way as you do most of the time. The big difference is that i'm not a stay at home mom, but I do work FROM home. I do have help during the day with my 12 month DD, but if help isn't here then DH doesn't do anything. So I put in my 5-8 hours at "work" while DD is with the nanny and DH is at work (Military) Then the DD is my responsibility, no matter what is going on (even if I still have work do to and DH is home, DD is still pretty much my responsibility). I also take care of most of the housework, cooking, groceries, bills and put DD to bed every night (bath, book and bed) and get up with her every morning (6:30-7:30 every morning). I think DH has gotten up with her 4 times in the past year on the weekend.. and he does put her to bed twice a month or so. Heaven help the twice that I have gone out to be with friends... he calls me about 1 hr into my evening out and tells me I need to come home because he can't handle her
I just wanted to let you know you're not alone

 

[camlace]

Hi DIS friends!

DD is a good sleeper too. She goes to bed around 7 pm and gets up around 7 am. Again, I'm the one that gets up with her EVERY DAY (even weekends) while DH usually sleeps in -- must be nice, right?! He usually leaves for work between 8:30 - 9:00 am so that means I've been up with DD at least 1.5 - 2 hours already.

From the schedule you listed I see 2 easy opportunities for time to yourself...after 7 pm and in the morning before 830 when you husband has to leave. Make it a routine...hit the gym, go for a walk, etc...every night at 715 or at 630 in the morning whichever your preference. Join book club,volunteer group, church group, whatever your interest that meets once a week on a certain night at 730. And like others have said...you need to tell your husband you will be gone at whatever time it is, whatever the schedule and he will deal. I finally realized last year that I cannot put myself last...it doesn't make for a happy person/mommy/wife. So now I go out the 1st Friday of each month with the girls, Pilates on Sat mornings and hit the gym every morning.

 

[mjkacmom]

I have to say, my DH is great in this area. When he gets home from work, he has no problem schlepping kids, washing dishes, putting them to bed, etc. I'm in charge of running our home (cleaning, shopping, laundry, schedules, bills, appointments, etc.), but he'll do whatever I ask on nights that he's home and weekends. Why should I have a 7 day a week job? There's no reason he can't fix the kids meals, or clean up after them. It's more 50/50 on nights and weekends.

 

[RMulieri]

I feel for you...I work 2 NIGHT SHIFTS per week as an RN and do all the things you mentioned.I simply schedule ME time.If I didn't, it would never happen.DH knows that once a month I go to book club, or out to dinner. I also work out everyday once he gets home and he needs to take care of her.She is 6 now and is pretty self sufficient compared to when she was a baby, but I too feel the stress of running the household and working outside the home.SOME days I feel like I am going to explode.I get to be crazy doing home stuff, DD gets off the bus needing Mommy, and then I go to work and have patients that are sick and need me.

 

[princessmorgan]

The best thing I did was get a little part-time job at night. I worked for an airline for a bit, now I work at the mall like once a week. I was at work and DH had to take care of DD all by himself. It really opened his eyes and made him appreciate me more. Now we have 3 DD's and one on the way and he gets up with the girlsone the weekends while I sleep in. He also does bedtime every night. He's learned to really enjoy it and treasure the time with the girls, because I don't tell him what to do or how to do it when he takes care of them That's my deal. As long as they are safe, I don't care what he does with them. Now sometimes it gets old for him to do bedtime every night, so I'll take over duties sometimes as a favor

This setup doesn't work for everyone, but find what works for you and your husband. I'm not one who subscribes to the idea that because DH works and brings home the money, that I need to take over everything in the house. It works for some people, and that's great for them, but it doesn't work for me. DH helped create these children! I agree though with other posters that you need to find something for yourself, whether it's the gym, a hobby, girls night, etc. I wouldn't trade being a SAHM for anything. But I am keeping it real and saying sometimes it is hard and really lonely.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

I'm a SAHM too. I used to get so frustrated about the things you get frustrated about. Since I've been pregnant, things have changed a bit. I can't keep up with what I used to-- so you know what? Some things don't get done! Some things I actually ask for his help with, or ask him to do certain chores. Know what? I should have been doing that all along.

 

[pixiedustmomma]

I am a SAHM to our DD (2.5) and currently 18 weeks pregnant. We also have two dogs. The dogs always seem more of a handful then my DD.

I do a lot of the house work too BUT my DH helps out. I get stressed out with everything that goes on here. Really you can't just let your kid sit in front of the tv or play alone all day while you do the house work. I'm sure someone won't agree with me on that. But the house work is never ending and you do need help with it. Stress isn't good for your health and you need to tell your DH that.

My DH takes care of the dogs after he gets home from work, sometimes he will cook dinner but most of the time I do it. He will help pick up the play room or clean the kitchen at night. He loves giving our DD her nightly bath and reading to her. He also loves coming home to play with her. I have to say I know I am very lucky to a DH who is so willing to help me when I am home all day but taking care of our DD, two dogs and running a house is a lot of work and you can get stressed out very fast.

My husband is out the door by 7am but on the days my DD does get up before that he will get her breakfast ready and as much as he would love to sleep all day on the weekends he gets up with her, I also get up too. He would let me sleep in but I just can't. He does help more around the house now that I am pregnant he does do more house work like the bathrooms. He also helps with Laundry but I mostly just ask for help with his work clothes on the weekend.

I also have joined a mom's group in our community. You can find them on Meetups.com or start one of your own so you get out of the house during the day. We do story time at the library, Barns & Nobles story time, zoo trips, park trips or play dates at someones house. It is really nice to get out of the house and the kids can play together while the moms talk. We all have girls night out when we get together for drinks, movies or just dinner. Your DH needs to understand that you need time to yourself and just because he is the one bring the money home he should still help out and shouldn't make you feel guilty for needing time to yourself.

 

[TripletMommy2003]

I have been a SAHM for 23 years..My oldest is 22 and my youngest is 9 months with all my inbetween children..21, 19, 18, 16 and 7 year old Triplet's. I like you am responsible for EVERYTHING dealing with the home, the children, bills, doctors, shopping, ect ect ect. My husbands respnsibilities include going to work Monday thru Saturday from 4am - 6pm and taking care of the yard, nothing else unless I say something. My son goes down at 6:30pm and wakes at 6:30am. My triplet daughters go to bed at 8pm and I go down at 10pm. My son also takes two 1 hour naps a day which is when I get my time. Of course I use this time to play on my computer or do house cleaning, but is my time to do with as I please. You will find that unless you have someone to come over during the day to watch your child so you can do some running or lunch with a friend, that any time you want will be very limited. However, you need to also keep in mind that your daughter will get older and start school in a few more years. This is when you get your time or have another child and do it all over again ) I think myself very lucky to be an at home Mommy and to have a very hard working Hubby & Daddy.

Best,
Shelly

 

[EKW]

It could always be worse...single mom's work all day and do everything that falls to SAHMs...and usually, more. I don't mean to seem unsympathetic, but I think you got the good end of the deal.

I finally got some "me" time when my younger son turned 6 or so and the boys began to entertain themselves for good stretches of time.

"Me time" is a concept that is new...and I think...largely impractical for parents of young children. The good news is, they grow up.

Hang in there!

 

[Baloosgirl23]

Thanks everyone for posting responses! I'm so glad to hear that I'm not the only one who feels or has felt this way being a SAHM. I must say, I do take DD to a weekly reading class at the library and we do an open swim type class every other week so that helps. We have done a few playdate trips to the zoo and places but there again, it's packing her up, making sure she's listening laughing, having enough snacks, getting home before nap time, etc... Sometimes those trips become the death of me! But we still go because it's important for both of us to get out of the house and have some fun.

I've also started walking a mile a night (just last night, but still ). I take my ipod and just walk. It's been helping too, but sometimes the stress just gets to me. Like I said before, we live 500 miles away from family -- all of our family, so it's just DH and I here. It can get very lonely and we're starting to make more friends, but honestly the ones we had before DD don't have children of their own and aren't in the same space we are. I'm starting to understand that I may not be able to change DH, but I am the only one that can change me.

Thanks again everyone! This is why I LOVE the DIS! It keeps me sane, ha!

 

[mom4graceandlogan]

Two ways for me time. Join mom's club and once you get to know other moms well, pick one or two to do a child swap once a week. I did this for 2 years when daughter little. We took turns keeping 2 kids every wed. So one week I would have daughter and 2 of her friends from 9 to 2. They had a playdate lunch and nap and I actually got more done because
my daughter was not under my feet. In exchange I got free childcare the next two weeks and my daughter got weekly plAydates. We met
monthly over coffee to come up with a schedule. You could then use your free time for lunch with old friends doctor apps haircut shopping etc. It wS amazing and our kids and the moms are best friends
nine years lAter. Also joined YMCA for
more me time and a mommy and
me class. Neither you or your husband have suddenly got more hours out of the day. You will always know someone whose husband doe more and whose husband does less than yours. Don't let your resentment take from your time with your daughter. Best thing I ever did was get over feeling sorry for myself and tale contr of the time I have got. We have all been where you are. I now have three kids ages nine to one two dogs and work part time. Other Sahm are the b

 

[LuLuO]

I am a SAHM but DH and I still share a lot of household and kid responsibilities. I try to get as much as possible done each day, but him helping out lets us have more couple time at the end of the day and we both enjoy that.

 

[bumbershoot]

... new found golf addiction...

...wondering if this is what all SAHM's go through?? Is this what my life will be like now??

...I've never not worked -- I've worked since I was 15 (now in my 30's) so this is totally new for me.

That was one poorly timed golf addiction. Even the first game of golf wouldn't have happened in our household. One, I would have had a FIT. Two, DH couldn't bear to be away from DS more than he already was, so he wouldn't have chosen it. Three, you're paying debt down and he's taking up golf, one of the more expensive sports you can do????? IMO, that's gotta GO.

It's not what my life is like, no.

You are working, don't forget that. If you were off at a job, you would be paying someone to what you're doing now...less, actually. That person would be considered to have a job. So you do, too. You ARE working. You just don't have an obvious salary.



What was it like before? When you had an outside job with a paycheck? Did you do all the house and dog work then? Or it was it a bit more equitable? If it was more equitable, how is DH justifying the change? Just because your new, paycheck-free, job is at home?

DH felt that my job was "keeping our son alive", especially in the beginning. If I did *anything* beyond that, it was a bonus. Before I quite my paycheck jobs (which was actually while we were still engaged) we would both come home, do our share of cooking and cleaning, and it was all very fair. I hate doing dishes, he doesn't like vacuuming, so we had, and still have, our certain things we do. He doesn't mind "cleaning" toilets while I do, but he does a HORRID job of it, so I deal. And he cleans out the fridge when pasta, or beans, or rice or something has gone bad in the back of it (something I used to do when totally single, but it's not my fave).

These things didn't change, except for when I chose to do extra, when I had DS. If I was working elsewhere, the things at home wouldn't be done magically in an empty house. DS would be taken care of by the hired help, but unless we hired someone to do the housework, it would still be there for BOTH of us to do, when we both got home.

Although I have increased the amount of stuff I do, mainly b/c DS is nearly 6, and apart from homeschooling and the things he and I do, he's not underfoot and needy like he was when he was little and therefore I have more TIME to do things...it's not *expected*. I do definitely try to make DH's life easier; since I've been home, his career has really taken off...he can focus on work instead of *everything else*, and that's good. I take care of the money, etc etc, and that works well. But DS is still my job, and everything else is negotiable.

Golf, however, wouldn't be negotiable. Talk about a time and money suck! And DH would wonder how your hubby can stand to take those hours away from his baby...DH certainly couldn't when DS was tiny! (and only goes away now for work)

 

[disneyandme]

Talk to your husband about him taking over one weekend morning a week. You work just as hard as he does- sometimes even more hours. Pick a day and stick to it- don't get up no matter how much he grumbles. It will eventually become routine.

 

[MMrules]

I feel for you sista!!!! I have been home for 3 years now. It is extremely hard to leave working (and a paycheck) to stay home with small children in which can feel like a thankless job. (I also have 2 doggies to care for in this circus of a house). I found it very lonely (I was a teacher of HS'ers) because all my work friends and students were still seeing each other and it felt like I fell off the planet. Most of my friends have no children, or have grown children (I am an older mom) so I didn't feel connected to any of them either.

My husband doesn't get it. He still gets up to go to work everyday (leaves by 6 am and sometimes doesn't get home til after 6pm) and he gets to socialize with his co-workers. When the children are real little it is so hard because you just want to have a conversation with someone. (My second child also screamed all day/night for the first year of life, so finding babysitters didn't happen).

I tried a mom's club, but it didn't feel like I was connecting with any of them (just not the same philosophies and personalities) but it did help for my children to play with other kids. I agree with going to the library, bookstores, playgrounds etc. you may be able to meet some great moms and children to help alleviate some of the boredom that occurs daily. It is hard to go from having a "career" to define you to just being a "mom" even though being a mom is the hardest and most important job you can ever have!

Now my oldest is going to be 5 (the youngest is 3) and he will be going to kindergarten in the fall. I used to think that I couldn't wait for them to go to school so I can go back to working as a teacher, but now that it is approaching I am so sad to think that having him with me all day every day is over. Now I will only have him after school and weekends. I can promise you that it will get better (and easier) for you staying home. Yes, it gets lonely at times, but now that I am reaching a milestone with my child, I just want to hold on with both hands and make time stand still.

I have recently started working pt nights and weekends (to save $$ for Disney) and I feel rejuvenated!!!! As much as I love my children and am lucky enough to stay with them everyday, working pt has just given me some social time and spending money. Also I try to go scrapbooking once a month with friends and I do try to do moms nights out when it fits in my schedule (book clubs) so it is nothing too costly. I also wouldn't be shy and tell your husband that you would like to sleep in on a Saturday once in a while...you deserve it too!!!! Start thinking of hobbies that you enjoy and see if you can find a group or friends to do it with (even if only once a month). It really helps with not feeling so lonely and unimportant.

Good luck!!!! I wish I were closer to you and we could cry together

 

[LWatson]

Are you sure we arent married to the same man???? LOL.

Since moving back here to TN/KY I have decided to schedule ME TIME. 1x a month I go out w/ the girls. 2x a month he goes golfing w/ my dad. And 1x a month we both go out together. If i didnt MAKE the me time i would never get it.

Thankfully though he was sweet enough to schedule his leave this time so we can take our Disney Trip FOR Mothers day (and as a surprise for the kids)