OT: SAHM vent...

[Mrs. Charming]

Oh no... I hope this doesn't turn into a debate. There's too much of mom vs. mom going on lately.

 

[Baloosgirl23]

Oh no... I hope this doesn't turn into a debate. There's too much of mom vs. mom going on lately.

OP here! I agree. I was using this forum to vent, not start a debate. I know everyone has their own situations but this was mine and I was just sharing.

Thanks again for all of the posts, really appreicate those of you who've shared.

 

[frtchr]

OP here! I agree. I was using this forum to vent, not start a debate. I know everyone has their own situations but this was mine and I was just sharing.

Thanks again for all of the posts, really appreicate those of you who've shared.

 

[WeLoveLilo05]

I feel for you sista!!!! I have been home for 3 years now. It is extremely hard to leave working (and a paycheck) to stay home with small children in which can feel like a thankless job. (I also have 2 doggies to care for in this circus of a house). I found it very lonely (I was a teacher of HS'ers) because all my work friends and students were still seeing each other and it felt like I fell off the planet. Most of my friends have no children, or have grown children (I am an older mom) so I didn't feel connected to any of them either.

My husband doesn't get it. He still gets up to go to work everyday (leaves by 6 am and sometimes doesn't get home til after 6pm) and he gets to socialize with his co-workers. When the children are real little it is so hard because you just want to have a conversation with someone. (My second child also screamed all day/night for the first year of life, so finding babysitters didn't happen).

I tried a mom's club, but it didn't feel like I was connecting with any of them (just not the same philosophies and personalities) but it did help for my children to play with other kids. I agree with going to the library, bookstores, playgrounds etc. you may be able to meet some great moms and children to help alleviate some of the boredom that occurs daily. It is hard to go from having a "career" to define you to just being a "mom" even though being a mom is the hardest and most important job you can ever have!

Now my oldest is going to be 5 (the youngest is 3) and he will be going to kindergarten in the fall. I used to think that I couldn't wait for them to go to school so I can go back to working as a teacher, but now that it is approaching I am so sad to think that having him with me all day every day is over. Now I will only have him after school and weekends. I can promise you that it will get better (and easier) for you staying home. Yes, it gets lonely at times, but now that I am reaching a milestone with my child, I just want to hold on with both hands and make time stand still.

I have recently started working pt nights and weekends (to save $$ for Disney) and I feel rejuvenated!!!! As much as I love my children and am lucky enough to stay with them everyday, working pt has just given me some social time and spending money. Also I try to go scrapbooking once a month with friends and I do try to do moms nights out when it fits in my schedule (book clubs) so it is nothing too costly. I also wouldn't be shy and tell your husband that you would like to sleep in on a Saturday once in a while...you deserve it too!!!! Start thinking of hobbies that you enjoy and see if you can find a group or friends to do it with (even if only once a month). It really helps with not feeling so lonely and unimportant.

Good luck!!!! I wish I were closer to you and we could cry together

Can I come and cry too?
I have been staying home with DD for 5 years, and I love it, I love being with her, and like you said I am dreading her going to K in the fall. But I feel so unappreciated, so unloved and lonely. I was thinking of looking into a pt job but who would watch DD?

 

[steph124ny]

I'll just throw a wrench into the works LOL!!!! My older kids are 14 and 12. Between all their activities and much harder homework, more friends, birthday parties, clubs, etc.....I find that they actually need me home more than the little one! We are having one more in July, so I won't be going back to work anytime soon, but even when my last goes to school, I doubt I'll get more than a part time job. I don't have time to work with 3 kids, let alone 4!!

I'm a real estate agent, so I do actually work from home, but to get a normal, paycheck type of job, would be out of the question! I tried getting a job in the evenings cleaning offices for awhile and the house and family just about fell apart, even though I was only gone 3 hours a night!!

I think that being a parent is hard...period. It doesn't matter if you work or not. It's still hard! LOL!!

 

[Zeebs]

At the very least you could share sleep ins. My hubby sleeps in one day of the weekend and I the other.

I find being a sahm very hard (and I didn't even like my work) I am not saying it is harder or easier than what anyone else does, but for me it is hard work.

Good luck, you aren't alone vent as much as you like.

Kirsten

 

[littlbugmom]

To the OP, I'm glad you had your talk and that it went well. I read the thread earlier in the week but didn't have time to comment.

I think this issue is about spouses, not about SAH. When DH and I first became parents, I could have written most of your post even though I worked out of the home. My dd was about 9months old when I got to the point that you are at....I couldn't take it any longer.

My dh is a firefighter and is home a lot.....but he's also gone a lot. I know that doesn't make sense but to me, it does. He works 24 and 48hr shifts and is gone half of every week. When he's home, he cared for the kids (they are in school now). Way back then, his day consisted of taking care of dd. That was it. I would come home to a dirty house, still have laundry to do, dinner to make, etc.. and he would expect to be "off duty" with dd because he had taken care of her all day. So, I'd work until 3:00 and then be responsible for my dd AND everything in the house. My dd nightnursed and I got up at 5:15am to go to work. I felt completely overwhelmed.

So, why did it take me so long to talk to my dh about it? I have no idea. When I finally had a breakdown and it all came out, things changed. We figured out what each of us needed to be partners working together to raise our dd and manage our house. That's what you and your dh are doing. It will probably take more talks over the years and that's ok.

Even now, I have a hard time carving out time for myself. The kids and I get home from work and school at the same time every day and fall into a routine of "us". Dh is able to do things for himself without any trouble. He actually spends less time at home than I do becuase when he works, it's for days....still, he has a healthy approach to his "me" time. I don't. I have to force myself to MAKE time for me. Why I don't take more time for myself is a whole other thread but my point is to be careful that you don't fall into that pattern. There is no reason at all that you shouldn't be able to sleep in sometimes and have some time away from everything.

 

[Kit'smommy]

This isn't a debate about SAHMs v. working moms as I could have written much of her post and I work full time.

I work 40-55 hours a week (I usually do OT at home) and have nearly 2 hours total commute each day. I do most of our cleaning, laundry and cooking (DH does wash dishes, vaccuum and do yardwork) and I usually get DS bathed and do homework, etc. I also seem to be the one responsible for holiday prep and anything out of the ordinary.

DH basically goes to work (same hours and commute as me), does about 1/2 of what I do around the house and with our son and spends a ton of his free time with his roadbike.

We have had numerous grown up discussions and outright arguments about his responsibilities and he is getting better, but he still doesn't entirely get it.

And yes, I am a little bitter, even though I love DH.

Good luck to you OP.

 

[KELLY]

This is how thing work I think for most of us SAHM. I just ask Dh every 2 weeks when I need a break and he watches the girls. He doesn't really help out except for the outside stuff ect. We don't have animal and never will since I don't want to take care of them.

My biggest issue with dh is he will start the dishwasher but he never ever empties it. It is small so I let it go. My dh is a take charge kind of guy. So if I want something done I just start it and leave it for a few. Comeback and find he did it. That is my trick.

 

[PinkRhombus]

Something I want to recommend regarding some time for just you.

TELL your husband...do not ask...that you are going to be doing something on such and such date so he should not plan anything. I go out Sunday afternoons.

I'm not saying start walking all over your husband, but YOU have to schedule this time. He will, probably, not think that you need a break on his own. Don't assume he will and do not wait for him to.

Becoming a SAHM is a big BIG adjustment.

Scheduling out your entire day, each day in the week, including household chores, errands, etc. is a big help in keeping things running as smoothly as possible AND finding those little bits of "me time" during the day.

Make sure you get some couple time in there, too.

 

[TaliaB]

My biggest issue with dh is he will start the dishwasher but he never ever empties it. It is small so I let it go. My dh is a take charge kind of guy. So if I want something done I just start it and leave it for a few. Comeback and find he did it. That is my trick.

When my DH used the dishwasher for the first time he found it amazing. Later that day when I went to empty the load I found out he also added in his razors and tools

 

[Fintastic]

While I agree that taking care of small children is incredibly stressful, it is still easier for SAHMs than working mothers. After working all day I go home and start cooking dinner at 6 PM, do housework and laundry, help with homework, take children to sports practices, take care of the dog, etc. I have no free time to myself other than at breaks at work at which time I am sitting at my desk. I don't ever meet friends for lunch, take my children on playdates, hang out at the park on a sunny afternoon, take a nap, read a book, knit, call a friend etc during the day.

Sometimes I think SAHMs need to get over themselves. You are not saints. You are mothers and that is all you have to do. You aren't worrying about meeting your next project deadline while making sure to pick your child up before daycare closes. You are not worried about keeping your job in a bad economy or playing office politics. Yes, you have other worries, but so do all moms. Be thankful you have someone else financially supporting you. Enjoy the time with your children instead of complaining about it. A lot of moms would love to be in your position.

Sorry to vent but I am sitting at work with a ton of papers on my desk thinking about how I will make it to my son's first baseball game tonight, how I will do some laundry after the game is over at 8, get the kids's homework done and fall into bed before 11.

The "M" in "SAHM" doesn't always mean mother...sometimes it means martyr.

 

[ML_LovesDisney]

Wow I cannot believe how downright mean people can be on here! Everyone gets annoyed with their husbands and the post is titled SAHM Vent, so if you can't handle it, don't read it. Everyday I think "Thank God I'm not a SAHM I couldn't handle it". I stayed home until DD #1 was 3.5 and DD #2 was 11 mths and it was VERY stressful, children are very demanding and needy and everyone needs a break and to vent sometimes! DH and I argue at least once per week about chores, him not appreciating what I do, I don't appreciate him enough, etc. That's normal stuff when you are married IMO, so don't flame someone for venting!!!!