OT: SAHM vent...

[ShannonMB]

Great news, OP! Sounds like you have a reasonable and helpful man, he just (like most men) doesn't know what you need to you lay it out!

I'm not in your situation, as I work full time, but I do know that even in this day and age, my DH has thought that all he has to really do is go out and get that paycheck and his work is done. I can see where it's even MORE of an issue when you can't throw out "Look, I work as hard as you do and make MORE money, why am I doing that AND doing all the women's work?"

You mention that it would be nice for once to have him open his eyes and look around him -- see for himself what needs to be done, or that you need a break, and step up. Um, like women all over the world are doing every day? I AGREE! I often think that would be nice, but at least in my case, it doesn't happen. I feel VERY fortunate that I even have a DH who will do most of what I ask, even if I do have to ask. And even though we spend the same amount of time outside the house working and he has gotten way better about helping clean, etc, I'm still the one who has to coordinate Dr. and dentist appts, sign DD up for activities, summer camp, plan the vacations, pay the bills, arrange for yard waste pickup, attend PT conferences and other stuff we need to do at school, RSVP to birthday parties, buy school supplies and clothes, get the dogs their checkups/flea med/shots, and a million other little things that come up every day that he just apparently thinks get done by magic. Oh, sorry for that mini-rant! But I've often felt like it would sure be nice to have a wife to help out with some of that!

Finally, I REALLY feel like you are on the right track scheduling couple time. It was easy pre-kid to bond, but once little ones come in to the picture, it's so easy to let your couple time go by the wayside. We really need to do more of this, too, and I'm going to try to make more of an effort. Otherwise, we just go our separate ways doing our tasks, sometimes get resentful, and eventually forget what it was that we loved about that person in the first place if we don't remind ourselves and get in that reconnect time.

So kudos to you for having the *talk*. I think DH and I need a refresher talk, too! Best of luck!!

 

[RMulieri]

Enjoy being SAHM ladies...I work 2 (12 hr) night shifts per week as an RN and DO all the SAHM things too.I have essentially 2 full time jobs-I manage the household and my daughter 7 days per week , and with little to no sleep some days.In addition to my work hours on the floor, I am required to do self study trainings and continuing ed stuff for work ALL the time.My husband does help if I ask ,and he is fine watching her so I can have me time...but I will tell you somedays all I want to do is go to bed and sleep.It is hard being needed at home and then I go to work and I am needed there by all of my patients...It is mentally and physically exhausting.

 

[Nicolepa]

OP, here's a trick I came up with, unfortunatly my kids were 2 & 4 when I did! I so wish I had thought of it from the getgo. When the baby naps do something for you. No housework etc. Use that time to nap, read a book, whatevery hobby you have. If you don't have a hobby, get one! I even used that time to watch girly movies.

I used to sew when my son would go down for his nap. Every day that dd was at preschool and he was napping I would sew. Unfortunatly I can't do that with my 3rd. I am homeschooling my middle one right now so I use the baby's naptime as uninterupted school time.

 

[AlexTina]

Hang in there. I think that most of us SAHM's feel this way from time to time, I know I'm feeling your pain right now. I have been a SAHM since May 2004, prior to that I was a working mom and even though I worked 5 days a week I still did all the laundry, cooking, house cleaning, bills, and taking care of dd.

Now I have 3 kiddos 8, 5, and 3. I have also added my grandfather to my workload, he is 87 and had a bad case on Pnumonia (?sp) back in November. He was pretty weak prior to this and after being in a hospital bed for 3 weeks and additionally being diagnosed with esophageal cancer he is now completely bed bound (can't get up at all for any reason) and at home on hospice. My grandmother cannot take care of him as she is also fairly weak and 84 years old. My aunts take turns staying with them at night and I stay with them every day from morning to afternoon when I go pick up dd at school. My mom lives in another city about 250 miles away so she comes every 2 - 3 weeks and gives everyone here a break, but it's still extremely busy and definately stressful.

Now in addition to my 3 kids and my house I also take care of my grandparents, their house, laundry, breakfast, lunch, and all hygene for my grandfather. It's rough but well worth it in the end, however, we all do need breaks and sometimes I don't think our DH's get it at all. I mentioned possibly going to lunch this weekend to my dh and his response was "don't you want to spend time with me on the weekends?". I was floored. This guy goes hunting when he chooses, he goes shooting with his buddies on the weekends and I do nothing but take care of kids, grandparents, and household stuff. I honestly can't tell you the last time I did something I wanted to do. I haven't even been to the doctor for my annual appointment because I just don't have time to go. When I was working if I had an appointment or needed time off for something whether is was business or pleasure all I did was tell me boss and off I go. Now it's impossible, I have to find a baby sitter, grandparent sitter, and deal with guilt and attitude from DH.

Oh, well either I'll go to lunch and deal with attitude later or I'll stay home and he'll deal with my attitude. Either way someone looses and that's just sad.

Just noticed that my post started out fairly positive and by the time I finished typing (venting) it isn't quite so positive anymore. I do feel better after venting a bit though!

Tina

 

["Cinder" Ella's Mom]

Being a mom is such a tough job. I am a working (outside the home) mom and feel the same way many of you do. It is so hard to do everything. My DH is great, but travels often for work. It is all me all weekend. By Sunday night when he gets home and I am looking at another work week (I teach high school) it is really frustrating. Today I booked a trip to Orlando (one BFF lives there, so not sure if we will be going to Disney)for a weekend in May with my 2 BFF's...a girls' weekend. I can not tell you how excited I am for this. Hang in there, ladies!

 

[DISNEYFOS]

It seems like the OP has worked things out..but for what its worth I wanted to add my 2 cents about "but my husband works hard outside of the home therefore can't help out" comments.

I actually have a insight into a few different worlds. I telecommute full time from home. My DH works out of the home. I have babysitters that come in and we have staggered hours to minimize babysitter time. We have comparable stress jobs (mine might be bit more), make comparable salaries.

I would have to say that being at home with children is just as stressful if not more than a full time job... Young children can be 100 times more demanding than managers, customers etc.. At the office, you can go to the bathroom by yourself..you can go get a coffee and chat with co-workers..you can attend meetings and have lunch brought in with out anyone whining about which plate their sister has/or that you didn't cut off their crusts properly.

My husband works hard is a bogus argument..He's a parent and therefore needs to take on a portion of the load of raising his children.

Off soapbox

 

[starsweeper]

It seems like the OP has worked things out..but for what its worth I wanted to add my 2 cents about "but my husband works hard outside of the home therefore can't help out" comments.

I actually have a insight into a few different worlds. I telecommute full time from home. My DH works out of the home. I have babysitters that come in and we have staggered hours to minimize babysitter time. We have comparable stress jobs (mine might be bit more), make comparable salaries.

I would have to say that being at home with children is just as stressful if not more than a full time job... Young children can be 100 times more demanding than managers, customers etc.. At the office, you can go to the bathroom by yourself..you can go get a coffee and chat with co-workers..you can attend meetings and have lunch brought in with out anyone whining about which plate their sister has/or that you didn't cut off their crusts properly.

My husband works hard is a bogus argument..He's a parent and therefore needs to take on a portion of the load of raising his children.

Off soapbox

I agree. I worked several demanding corporate jobs before having kids, and 80 hours a week as a computer engineer was 10 times easier than being home with my twins. I didn't know what to do with myself when my kids began preschool because I wasn't constantly going from 6am to midnight either with kids or housework I couldn't do during the day. My DH currently works from home and takes calls/emails 24/7 because he has international clients. He still manages to wash the dogs each week, let me sleep in on weekends, and help out with housework or the kids when I need it. BTW, my DH says if anything ever happened to me, he'd have a full-time nanny. He wouldn't do what I do, especially the first 3 years at home, for any amount of money.

 

[bunny]

While I agree that taking care of small children is incredibly stressful, it is still easier for SAHMs than working mothers. After working all day I go home and start cooking dinner at 6 PM, do housework and laundry, help with homework, take children to sports practices, take care of the dog, etc. I have no free time to myself other than at breaks at work at which time I am sitting at my desk. I don't ever meet friends for lunch, take my children on playdates, hang out at the park on a sunny afternoon, take a nap, read a book, knit, call a friend etc during the day.

Sometimes I think SAHMs need to get over themselves. You are not saints. You are mothers and that is all you have to do. You aren't worrying about meeting your next project deadline while making sure to pick your child up before daycare closes. You are not worried about keeping your job in a bad economy or playing office politics. Yes, you have other worries, but so do all moms. Be thankful you have someone else financially supporting you. Enjoy the time with your children instead of complaining about it. A lot of moms would love to be in your position.

Sorry to vent but I am sitting at work with a ton of papers on my desk thinking about how I will make it to my son's first baseball game tonight, how I will do some laundry after the game is over at 8, get the kids's homework done and fall into bed before 11.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

While I agree that taking care of small children is incredibly stressful, it is still easier for SAHMs than working mothers. After working all day I go home and start cooking dinner at 6 PM, do housework and laundry, help with homework, take children to sports practices, take care of the dog, etc. I have no free time to myself other than at breaks at work at which time I am sitting at my desk. I don't ever meet friends for lunch, take my children on playdates, hang out at the park on a sunny afternoon, take a nap, read a book, knit, call a friend etc during the day.

Sometimes I think SAHMs need to get over themselves. You are not saints. You are mothers and that is all you have to do. You aren't worrying about meeting your next project deadline while making sure to pick your child up before daycare closes. You are not worried about keeping your job in a bad economy or playing office politics. Yes, you have other worries, but so do all moms. Be thankful you have someone else financially supporting you. Enjoy the time with your children instead of complaining about it. A lot of moms would love to be in your position.

Sorry to vent but I am sitting at work with a ton of papers on my desk thinking about how I will make it to my son's first baseball game tonight, how I will do some laundry after the game is over at 8, get the kids's homework done and fall into bed before 11.

I'm a Working Mom and I don't find this fair. Raising children isn't all play in the park, enjoying one kodak moment after another. Its hard and exhausting... and this threads point is if there are two parents involved they both need to step up and provide relief for one another. Whether its allowing a SAHM to sleep in once in a while, or picking up johnny from Daycare so its one less thing on working mom's plate for the day. Everyone has a right to vent and we should all be supportive as mothers.

 

[SaraJayne]

While I agree that taking care of small children is incredibly stressful, it is still easier for SAHMs than working mothers. After working all day I go home and start cooking dinner at 6 PM, do housework and laundry, help with homework, take children to sports practices, take care of the dog, etc. I have no free time to myself other than at breaks at work at which time I am sitting at my desk. I don't ever meet friends for lunch, take my children on playdates, hang out at the park on a sunny afternoon, take a nap, read a book, knit, call a friend etc during the day.

Sometimes I think SAHMs need to get over themselves. You are not saints. You are mothers and that is all you have to do. You aren't worrying about meeting your next project deadline while making sure to pick your child up before daycare closes. You are not worried about keeping your job in a bad economy or playing office politics. Yes, you have other worries, but so do all moms. Be thankful you have someone else financially supporting you. Enjoy the time with your children instead of complaining about it. A lot of moms would love to be in your position.

Sorry to vent but I am sitting at work with a ton of papers on my desk thinking about how I will make it to my son's first baseball game tonight, how I will do some laundry after the game is over at 8, get the kids's homework done and fall into bed before 11.

Hmmm, I think I'm going to invoke the good ol' "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" rule.

OP, I'm glad you were able to talk to your DH about how overwhelmed you're feeling. I hope things get better for you.

 

[Aristomommy]

Sorry to vent but I am sitting at work with a ton of papers on my desk thinking about how I will make it to my son's first baseball game tonight, how I will do some laundry after the game is over at 8, get the kids's homework done and fall into bed before 11.

Does your work allow surfing the net while at work? I don't think your other comments are fair to mothers at all. Having been a SAHM and working mom, each had their challenges.

 

[Andrea73]

I
My husband works hard is a bogus argument..He's a parent and therefore needs to take on a portion of the load of raising his children.

Off soapbox

I totally agree. I hate when women say things like "DH is babysitting" or "He offered to watch the kids" What the heck! He is a parent, not hired help. When he has his children, it's parenting, not baby sitting and sure as heck not some kind of favor.

While I don't expect DH to do things that I see as part of "my" job such as cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. He does things like baths and I let him know when he needs to be there to supervise HIS children. I don't ask him to babysit.

I some days actually think I would enjoy having a job. To leave a clean house and come home to a clean house would be nice instead of having it constantly destroyed all day. But I am 5 months away from the SAHM pot of gold. One in elementary school all day, the other in preschool 5 mornings a week. Then I go to SAHM heaven, them both gone to school all day.

After that...I will think about a job. I did not go through the tough part to skip out on the leisure years!!

The BEST part is I can only be PTA pres for 2 years so I will have the kids gone AND PTA will not rule my life anymore!!

OP, it can get really good in a few years if you can hang in there!!

 

[Baloosgirl23]

Thanks for all of the posts! I was just venting and needing to hear that I'm not the only SAHM that has gone through this before. Like I said before, DH and I talked and so we'll see how things go from here. I don't take offense to anyone's comments because I was the one that posted my personal business here. I understand if people have their own points of view on the subject as well, that's what makes the world go 'round!

I must say though that it really has helped reading everyone elses situations too. What works for us may not work for anyone else but that's okay. This is where we are right now and I know we'll get past it. I do love having support from other moms though, it really means a lot!

DD and I went to a reading class today and she loved hanging out with the 'kids' too. It was a lot of fun and was a beautiful day too.

Thanks DIS friends -- you girls rock!!!

 

[frtchr]

I'm a SAHM. We're supposed to nap, read books, knit, and talk to friends on the phone during the day? Dang. I'm getting short-changed somewhere.

 

[mjkacmom]

I
I some days actually think I would enjoy having a job. To leave a clean house and come home to a clean house would be nice instead of having it constantly destroyed all day. But I am 5 months away from the SAHM pot of gold. One in elementary school all day, the other in preschool 5 mornings a week. Then I go to SAHM heaven, them both gone to school all day.

After that...I will think about a job. I did not go through the tough part to skip out on the leisure years!!

The BEST part is I can only be PTA pres for 2 years so I will have the kids gone AND PTA will not rule my life anymore!!

OP, it can get really good in a few years if you can hang in there!!

I made it to the leisure years! My twins are in first grade (kindy was 3 hours only), and I can clean the house, and have it stay clean all day instead of constantly picking up! I thought I'd be ready to get a job, but the problem is, once they're home, all I have time for is schlepping them here and there until about 7:30. Therefore, I have to get all the errands, shopping, cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. done during the day (I know everyone has these chores, but having 5 means there is a lot more of it).

Being a SAHM was harder than I thought, although I ended doing it longer than I thought. There were so many days (especially during the winter), that I would've gladly worked in exchange for childcare!

 

[TaliaB]

Being a SAHM is definetely the hardest job I`ve ever had...yeah, yeah, I know it is the most rewarding too

The only time I can make for myself is from 12am to 1am. It`s better than nothing.

 

[*Toadstool*]

. My husband works offshore so he is gone for 14 days and nights and home for 14 days and nights. I am so thankful when he comes home because he gets up with DD4 in the mornings.. cooks breakfast and lunch and lets me sleep pretty late. It wasn't always that way. I became ill and he had to start doing those things. I guess it became habit and a joy to him. BUT for 14 days it is all on me. I can't even call him for support, so I understand all the stress. Just had to post because seeing alot of these posts really made me be thankful that my DH is willing to help out so much. It is sad that I take it for granted sometimes. It was good to read through alot of these posts and realize that I am blessed. I really think that some men just really don't get that SAHM is a job, has long hours, and isn't easy!
I'm glad it seems like your DH understood you so well. I think it is great what someone else posted about her husband saying he wasn't a mind reader and just to tell him and he'd do it. sooo simple. We are definitely more complicated! haha!

 

[perfectparanoia]

While I agree that taking care of small children is incredibly stressful, it is still easier for SAHMs than working mothers. After working all day I go home and start cooking dinner at 6 PM, do housework and laundry, help with homework, take children to sports practices, take care of the dog, etc. I have no free time to myself other than at breaks at work at which time I am sitting at my desk. I don't ever meet friends for lunch, take my children on playdates, hang out at the park on a sunny afternoon, take a nap, read a book, knit, call a friend etc during the day.

Sometimes I think SAHMs need to get over themselves. You are not saints. You are mothers and that is all you have to do. You aren't worrying about meeting your next project deadline while making sure to pick your child up before daycare closes. You are not worried about keeping your job in a bad economy or playing office politics. Yes, you have other worries, but so do all moms. Be thankful you have someone else financially supporting you. Enjoy the time with your children instead of complaining about it. A lot of moms would love to be in your position.

Sorry to vent but I am sitting at work with a ton of papers on my desk thinking about how I will make it to my son's first baseball game tonight, how I will do some laundry after the game is over at 8, get the kids's homework done and fall into bed before 11.

I think the biggest thing you are missing here is the loneliness that SAHMs can feel. I have had a taste of it (on parental leave from work) for the last few months and it is terrible. You have no adult contact at all. I am actually volunteering at my office 10 hours a week now (littlest is in Kindergarten for those hours) just to maintain my sanity.

I can't wait to be back full time. Yeah, finding time for some things will be harder but at least I will be involved in something that is not just for my kids.

 

[crisi]

I'm glad your husband was responsive - now SCHEDULE IT.

i.e. if his morning is Saturday morning, schedule it. You stay in bed Saturday and elbow him with "its Saturday - your turn." Until 1:00 (or whatever) Saturday is yours - to lounge, to play your own golf game, to read in bed, to go out for breakfast. If he makes a tee time, its for after 1:30, when you get home.

If you also get Thursday nights, schedule it. Then make sure to use it. Go to a movie. Go to a class. Join a bookclub through the library. Go window shopping. Go for a long walk.

Also schedule the "chores" he is responsible for. If he knows that he has child responsibilities on Saturdays and Thursdays, make sure he understands this means feeding and cleaning up after (this gets more important as an actual dinner becomes more iimportant). If additionally he is going to make dinner on Tuesday nights, or be responsible for some laundry on Monday evenings, or whatever, schedule it.

This way carrying his share doesn't need to become a "habit" nor does it become your job to nag. Its just "its Tuesday, what are you doing for dinner?" Or "Its Thursday, I'm off to a movie."

(And the problem is pretty universal for Moms with partners - SAHMs or WOHMs - very few of us managed to find a partner who didn't need at least a LITTLE prodding to hold up his (or her) share with kids. No one group has it better or worse, we just each have a different and unique circumstance. Little kids are exhausting - and in a few years you'll look around and say "I haven't seen my kid for two days, is he over at Tyler's again?")

 

[princessmom29]

I am seeing so many SAHM's say that it is harder to stay at home than work. I am teacher so I am SAHM part of the year and working mom part of the year. Working is SO MUCH HARDER!!! I have to do everythnig I do during the summer, but with 10 hours a day less time to do it in. In the summer my house is clean, dinner is always home cooked, my laundry is always done, and I get more than 5 1/2 hours of sleep a night. We have swim lessons, dance, tumbling class, and play dates. We also always take Friday off to go to the lake. I'll take summer all year any day. It is amazing what i can get done when I am not at work all day! during the summer, I don't mind is DH slacks off on his half of the chores because guess what??? I actually have more time than he does to get to them!