OT: Really needs opinions and help!!!!

[tkhkroberts]

My husband's cousin is getting married this summer. I have received an invitation to her bridal shower and just do not know what to do. I really do not want to go to this, but need opinions on what others think. His cousin never came to either of my bridal or baby showers in the past. We have paid for multiple graduation presents for her as she changed her mind on college and then her Master's degrees. Whenever we have birthday parties for our children she and her parents are always too busy to come, let alone can never tell us if they are coming or not. DH and I decided to stop inviting them a couple years back but MIL keeps inviting them so we have to plan on them showing up. I guess I am just tired of giving her presents and working around her many parties while she ignores us. On top of it money is somewhat tight right now and she is registered for the fine crystals and china, nothing cheaper. I do not want to get flamed, I just want an honest opinion. FYI the shower and my husband's work schedule also overlap and my daughters are not invitied causing me to find a babysitter for this also.

 

[StitchandPooh'sMom]

If you can't go, you can't go! I'd just say that you already have plans for that day and offer no additional details (you do have plans - being with your daughters). It will probably be harder to avoid going to the wedding since you will probably know the date way in advance - why stress over the shower?

 

[tkhkroberts]

We are going to the wedding, had to move our WDW vacation up a week for it actually. I am getting a great deal of pressure from MIL who is also pressuring DH about me being their as well. I guess I am just looking for a little support and that I am not being entirely out in left field.

 

[GoinToDisney]

No way would I go to so much trouble for someone who doesn't even show up to my parties. If someone skipped both of my showers and my dd's parties, I wouldn't even consider going unless I really wanted to be there to see other people. No way. Maybe your MIL is only pushing because she thinks it will work, but you can show her it won't. Maybe she'll keep her pressure to herself in the future. Probably not, but it's worth a try.

 

[inloveindisney]

I'm with you. to me, it's not like it is your sister or something. Cousins are far distanced enough that it shouldn't be too major of a deal for you to not be there.
I wouldn't have cared if someone didn't come to my shower. But, I guess I'm not like everyone else

 

[StitchandPooh'sMom]

We are going to the wedding, had to move our WDW vacation up a week for it actually. I am getting a great deal of pressure from MIL who is also pressuring DH about me being their as well. I guess I am just looking for a little support and that I am not being entirely out in left field.

Sorry, I was trying to be supportive - guess it didn't come out that way! I don't think it is unreasonable that you can't attend one of the wedding events - whether it is a bridal shower, bridal luncheon, whatever. I was just saying that you were probably stuck going to the wedding and that seemed to be a reasonable contribution of your time. I do understand the family pressure to show up, which is why I wouldn't go into any details or offer excuses - I'd just say I already had plans. As for your DH (I also sometimes get the DMIL pressure on the DH if the pressure on me is not having the desired effect ), maybe he can run interference for you with his mom and ask her to back off, saying how sorry you are that you can't attend and don't need anyone making you feel bad since you are already so disappointed.

Sorry if my previous post wasn't supportive - I really meant to be! Sometimes it's hard to communicate on the computer!

 

[disykat]

I don't see any reason you need to go. It is perfectly acceptable to decline an invitation. The fact that she declines your invitations makes it even more so.

If anyone asks you just say "I have a conflict that day, but we're looking forward to the wedding" with a polite smile. Anyone who pushes you further is just being rude - including MIL! I would reiterate to MIL that you have rearranged your schedule for the wedding and are unable to do so for the shower.

 

[daisyduck123]

That would be a no-brainer for me....I'd skip it & not give it another thought.

 

[Beth E. (NJ)]

Another vote to not go to the shower and not feel guilty.

But if you get guilted into going -- remember that you don't have to give her a gift from her registry -- especially if everything is expensive.

 

[Stephres]

Ugh, your MIL sounds as pushy as my mother. Do not feel guilty about not going and don't make up an excuse to your MIL because if she is like my mom she will not let it go. Just say you don't want to go and nothing else: that's what I do with my mom. If she asks why, just repeat as necessary (sometimes with my mom it's a half dozen times). Good luck!

 

[Sleeping~Beauty]

I think it's fine if you don't go. From the situation you've described, I definitely wouldn't lose any sleep over it.

 

[mickeymouse1017]

I think that we may be related as those types are also my cousins!!! I got tired of going out of my way for them and my child always being left out and I just quit going to anything they did. There was some family pressure at first but I told them exactly what I just said and they decided to drop the subject. Stand up for yourself or this pattern is going to continue. You have already been overly nice in changing your vacation plans. Don't go, don't feel bad, take a stand. Good luck with MIL!

 

[*Emily*]

Just blow it off, see how she likes it!

 

[Princess Stitch]

Don't feel bad about not going. I had a friend get married a few years back. She wasn't a close friend, but was good friends with my good friends so we saw each other alot and were in the same class in college. Well, they had an engagement party, wedding shower, bachlorette party and then the wedding to which people were all expected to bring a gift! Well I was invited to all but I only went to the actual wedding. I just don't have that kind of money to drop! It seems now like some weddings are all about making money. I understand showers are a tradition, but sometimes there are 3-4 parties and it's not like you just bring a $20 gift to each.

I would skip it. Don't feel bad

 

[disykat]

Just blow it off, see how she likes it!

Why would she care? I'm sure the invitation was just that - an invitation, probably out of family obligation. It sounds like the bride doesn't have or desire a personal relationship with the OP.

I think the problem is the MIL pressuring.

 

[badblackpug]

I would politely decline citing "a previous engagement." If you feel that pressured just send a nice card with a gift card, in an amount you can afford, for the store at which she is registered. I would do the same for ma wedding gift.

 

[jenlynn0808]

I agree with a pp. Send a nice card with a gift card and skip the shower-GUILT FREE!!! After all, someone needs to stay with dds.

 

[writersblock42]

I don't think that you have to go. I have declined to not attend my own cousins' wedding and would def decline my dh's cousins' weddings. I don't think going to the wedding makes you obligated to go to the shower.

 

[tkhkroberts]

Thanks for all the help. I will just stand behind the previous engagement. I guess I am the type of person who feels guilty about not doing what is required. I see the cousin once a year or so. She is the godmother to my youngest, but after she was choosen for that, she has had nothing to do with any of us because she is busy (like am not). The only reason she was choosen is because my side of the family was picked for the oldest as I have a brother, but on DH side he has no siblings, thus a cousin. Our daughters are also the only children invitied to the wedding, as they know I would not be stay at all if my DDs were not there. The wedding also is on a day that DH usually works, so we are losing out on pay for that day as well. Her wedding just seems to be costing us a lot of money and I just do not want to pay for all of this. MIL just thinks I am rude anyway and has never considered me part of the famiy after 10 years. When she feels necessary to tell me that she guesses it is okay that I sit with DH at a family funeral 5 years into the marriage, shows where I rank.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

I don't think you need to feel obligated to cousins anyhow. Sorry, just don't. You don't have to have a relationship with everyone in your family..just b/c they are somehow related to you. Family members are still people, and lots of people are jerks.

I say, don't go. And don't feel bad.