OT: Question about hubby *update on post 70*

[okeydokey]

My main problem with Dr. Laura is the fact that I have heard from her own mouth mutiple times that women are doing their children harm by working outside the home. I think that it is a totally unrealistic epectation in this day and age that one parent be home at all times, and that it is NOT necessairly the best course for all families. My DD is MUCH better off for having gone to Pre-school.

Especially when she doesn't follow the rule herself. That's called a hypocrite.

 

[disykat]

In our house we have a calendar posted in the kitchen. Any family plans I make go on there as soon as I know what/when. Any plans for myself (though that is very rare) also go on there as soon as I know. I write my husband's work schedule (he's overnight/late night several times a week) on there so I know when he has a commitment, and in the rare event he plans something, it has to be on the calendar or it runs the risk of not happening. I can't be a mind reader and know he's thinking about seeing a movie next Saturday so if I write something on the calendar then his date is wiped out. So maybe try that, and maybe if he sees that every weekend is penciled in with his stuff he'll see how selfish he's being. Actually, I would maybe go back a month or 2 and fill in the stuff he's already done to emphasize your point.


.

This is what I was going to suggest as well. Sit down with a calendar and discuss how everyone in your family has been spending their time. Then take it a step further and say you want to map out the next month so that you can have family time, couple time, his time, and YOUR time on there.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I am not going to respond to the comments about Dr. Laura and being a SAHM because
A. I believe every family should do what they feel is best for their own.
and
B. Because this was not a thread where that is an issue. OP is looking for help with her DH not with being a SAHM.

The best thing about these boards are the variety of suggestions, be it budget, Disney trips, whatever. You read it all and pick what works for you. If I have helped OP at all, great. If not, hopefully someone else's comments will. But like I said, everyone has to do what is best for them in marriage, parenthood, life---everything.

Good luck daleswife...

 

[2princessmommy]

I am not going to respond to the comments about Dr. Laura and being a SAHM because
A. I believe every family should do what they feel is best for their own.
and
B. Because this was not a thread where that is an issue. OP is looking for help with her DH not with being a SAHM.

The best thing about these boards are the variety of suggestions, be it budget, Disney trips, whatever. You read it all and pick what works for you. If I have helped OP at all, great. If not, hopefully someone else's comments will. But like I said, everyone has to do what is best for them in marriage, parenthood, life---everything.

Good luck daleswife...

excellent point!!! Thank you for the great words of wisdom MickeyMom of Three!!!!! I couldn't agree more!

 

[Dismom55]

I see so many red flags in his behavior, this has gone way beyond the fact that you are unhappy with him. The fact that he does not seem to want to even discuss it with you speaks volumes to me. Like other I am not really into the game playing and reverting back to the 1950's so he can feel comfy with his own family. What I would do is I would get the kids out of the house for a weekend, and if I had to I would demand he spend the weekend at home with you, period. Tell him he is not going fishing or golfing until the two of you sit down and discuss what the heck is going on. You will have to be firm, but if need be talk to his parents, let them know what is going on and get them on your side in making him face up to what is going on and talking to you about it. You can not fix what you don't know is wrong and he at this point is running away from what ever it is. If it were me hubby, I would swear he was stepping out, either in reality or in his heart. If you want to save your marriage you will have to be proactive. If you are to the point that you do not care about the marriage then I say even if you do have to drive 2 hrs, it may be necessary. One thing, talk to your minister or leader of what ever religious organization you belong to. I think I would have turned there first, but that is me.

One thing I may not have all the answers, but I feel qualified to make some suggestions as we have been thru a lot and have been together over 36 yrs now. It has not always been easy, but I always feel that when we fought, we were fighting to keep the marriage together.

Good luck as I can imagine you are beside yourself with concern on how things are going in your marriage at this point. I know this might sound trite, but I will add you to my prayers and that things will turn out for you. God Bless.

 

[tam626]

The next time he's home & too tired to watch his own kids, just leave anyway. Say, it's your turn, I need some me time. See ya later. Don't ask, he does'nt. See how he likes it. MAKE him treat you as an equal. Right or wrong, that's how I would handle it. There is no way he would get away with that crap! Also, stop serving him. When he starts to treat you with respect, then you can start to show it to him again. I'm sorry, enough of being the nice one. Give him a dose of his own medicine.

 

[sunnyday123]

Reading this post just breaks my heart and the only advice I can give you is to entice him to want to stay at home. Although, you would rather knock him over the head with a frying pan, you may have to do quite the opposite. You have just had a horrible surgery, but you may have to lay a little honey around the house, compliment him, make his favorite dinner, leave notes for him in secret places. When he is home, make it the best experience by planning fun things he can do with the kids and with you too. On this weekend, suggest things he can do on his own that require shorter periods of "away time."

My DH comes home exhausted and I have him go straight to bed and nap for 20 minutes and he comes back ready to deal with the kids, me and housework. If you do the same, wake him up and give him a cold glass of ______(fill in the blank) and listen to what he has to say. He may have stuff going on at work that is causing him to want to really "get away."

As I said before, these may be the last things you want to do and there may be a lot of resentment. But I feel that men are pretty simple and they just want to feel really important and loved. Each man will feel important and loved in his own way and as wives we have to figure that out and then do it despite how angry we are. With time, things may change.

I hope that helps! Keep us posted!

should she also vacuum in heels and pearls??

They need to communicate about this, not brush it under the rug and console him for working hard. She is a SAHM. That's a job too. When does she get her nap?

Honestly, it sounds like there are underlying issues and I wouldn't handle it in a confrontational way, but it does need to be addressed. Tell him there is something serious you both need to talk about, and explain it to him calmly. You may need to practice.

I know I would, I would've gone completely postal on him by now. Going out the day after your surgery? No flippin way. The only way he'd be able to cast a fishing pole is if he opened his mouth.

 

[DVCJones]

I completely disagree with Brancaneve, You don't reward bad behavior with a nap and a cold drink. He's an adult, not a child, though it does seem like he is acting more like a child.

OP, I almost hate to write this but I feel I must. Are you sure he is going out with the guys every weekend? When I read your post the first thing I thought of is that he is having an affair. Every Saturday he disappears for a major part of the day and doesn't care that you are upset about it? That just doesn't sound good.

I'm sorry, I was thinking the same thing. It may be time to do a little snooping/investigating...if you know what I mean.

 

[miprender]

OP I just read through this whole thread and it just breaks my heart.

You said if you worked, it would cost money to hire a sitter. How about getting a job at night after DH gets home. That way you get time away and make a little extra money with out paying a babysitter and make DH stay home with his kids (unless he would have his parents come over)

Good luck with any choice you make.

 

[daleswife]

Well, I took some good advise from all of you. I sat down with him and calmly discussed my concerns and he finally got it. Also what helped is when DD6 asked him "daddy, when are you gonna stay home and play with us?" That really hit him hard. Today he spent the entire day with us. We went to the park and then to my Cousins house to have dinner with MY family. It was a nice day all in all. He swore he was NOT seeing anyone else and I have to say I do believe him. His cousin that he goes and plays golf with and fishing with called and he said that DH was with him the entire time and there was no one else there. so I believe him. He said he's gonna be home for us more and he was sorry for being such a jerk. (his words). I think things will change. Thanks for your prayers. You guys are great for being there for me. He also said he wouldnt miss our Disney trip for any golf game or fishing trip. I think we'll be ok. If things change, I'll let you know!!!! Thanks again!!!!!

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Glad to hear things are looking up for you and your family.

 

[DVCJones]

So happy for you!!!

 

[miprender]

Glad he turned around. I am so happy for you.

 

[Colleen27]

You say this is a new problem, but how new is new? My DH went through a similar phase when we moved back to his hometown, but it really was just a phase. He went from living an hour+ from all his friends to literally being right down the street, and that first summer he was out with them way too much for a married man with a family. At the time, I was pregnant and adjusting to a new town (an hour+ away from all MY friends and family) and it was the source of a lot of stress and conflict. In hindsight, I read way too much into it and would have been better off just calmly insisting on some family time while also allowing him his friends time too. It only took a couple months for him to get back to his usual, kid-focused, homebody self and I think it wouldn't even have taken that long if I hadn't been so angry/resentful all the time.

 

[sunnyday123]

Well, I took some good advise from all of you. I sat down with him and calmly discussed my concerns and he finally got it. Also what helped is when DD6 asked him "daddy, when are you gonna stay home and play with us?" That really hit him hard. Today he spent the entire day with us. We went to the park and then to my Cousins house to have dinner with MY family. It was a nice day all in all. He swore he was NOT seeing anyone else and I have to say I do believe him. His cousin that he goes and plays golf with and fishing with called and he said that DH was with him the entire time and there was no one else there. so I believe him. He said he's gonna be home for us more and he was sorry for being such a jerk. (his words). I think things will change. Thanks for your prayers. You guys are great for being there for me. He also said he wouldnt miss our Disney trip for any golf game or fishing trip. I think we'll be ok. If things change, I'll let you know!!!! Thanks again!!!!!

so happy for you. Just keep communicating with him, don't ever let anything fester or steamroll into something bigger!

 

[Dismom55]

Sounds like he may have seen the light and you might be turning a corner back to wedded bliss. Hopefully he will keep his guy time to about once a month, he works hard and does need some down time, that same goes for you, you need some you time too!

Have a good time at the Disney trip!

 

[princessmom29]

So glad it worked out for you!!

 

[ireland_nicole]

Sounds like you did a great job communicating! Keep up the talking togethe!r

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I am so happy that you had this talk with him and things are looking better for you guys. Just keep the communication lines open and stand your ground.

 

[disneynewbee]

Glad to hear that he's seeing the error of his ways. I hope you all enjoy a lot more family time from here on.