OT: Question about hubby *update on post 70*

[daleswife]

So heres the thing: Ever since we moved here DH thinks he has to go every weekend and do something with someone other than us. Its getting old and every time I mention stayin home with us he gets all defensive, saying things like "im not gone every weekend". Well there are 4 weekends in a month and 3 of them hes out with the guys. I had a hysterectomy on June 25th and on June 26th he went and played golf, leaving our kids with his parents instead of taking care of them himself. And yesterday he comes home from work saying hes going fishing on the New River (thats at least 3 hours from here) with some buddies and next weekend he's going to play golf with another friend. Im like WTH!?!? First off, I am a stay home mom and i love my kids to death, but I do need some time away from them and I never get it cause hes always gone doing stuff. Second, I just had major surgery and hes going to play golf??? Third We have a trip to Disney planned for September and we need all the money we can get.......

Anyone have any suggestions on how to make him see that we need to spend time as a family and that we really dont have the money for him to just go and do when ever he pleases??? I do feel like a nagging ***** when i tell him we dont have the money or that I want him to spend time with the family or just me alone....reason is cause he works very hard all week long to provide for the family and he does deserve to get to go and do, but every weekend???? I think its a bit much.

Also, I'd like to hear from those of you who want to play devil's advocate. Im just at my wits end and am ready to explode. HELP PLEASE!!!

 

[momofrrr]

I am so sorry that I don't really have any words of wisdom for you. I can only imagine how frustrating it must be. I think I might be inclined to tag along, invited or not, just to see what is really going on. My problem is really kinda the opposite, I can't get my DH to do anything!

 

[tam626]

There would be some major fighting in my house if my dh tried that. It's not fair to you at all. I'm a sahm too & feel dh needs to spend time with his son when he's not at work. Sure he needs some time to himself but so do I & so do you! Besides our kids are only little for a short time & he is missing alot of their life by always being so busy.

 

[littlbugmom]

Sahm or Wohm....doesn't matter. He's a father and a husband and he's gone too much. How long has this been going on? I'm assuming you've told him how you're feeling about all this?

Bottom line is that his "fun" lifestyle is becoming a problem in his marriage. If you haven't already discussed how much this bothers you, do that now. Have the grandparents watch the children while the two of you have a sit-down. Be completely honest with him and tell him a compromise needs to happen. There should be no reason in the world for him to object to a plan that would give you both some time alone without going overboard on either side.


Gotta tell ya, the fact that he left you alone to go golfing the day after major surgery is a big fat red flag to me. It's ridiculously inconsiderate and self-centered. I'm assuming you told him you needed him at home and he left anyway?


The money issue should be as obvious to him as it is to you. He knows what he's spending. If he isn't involved in the household budget, get him involved now. If the budget has enough cushion for him to do these things but you just think the money should go towards the Disney vacation--again, a compromise should fix that.


Good luck

 

[StitchandPooh'sMom]

Bottom line is that his "fun" lifestyle is becoming a problem in his marriage.

Good luck

This is it exactly. Right or wrong, he is gone so much that it bothers you and is affecting your marriage. You two need to have a calm discussion about how you can both feel happy and supported. I'm sure he needs to blow off steam and have fun after working all week, but he also needs to see that his actions are making your life harder, which is unfair. Some people need more "alone" time than others, but there needs to be a compromise.

If it is also affecting your budget, he needs to find some lower cost outlets for his "guy time".

 

[tam626]

Sounds like he's trying to live like a single man instead of a family man. He needs to see the difference.

 

[Brancaneve]

Reading this post just breaks my heart and the only advice I can give you is to entice him to want to stay at home. Although, you would rather knock him over the head with a frying pan, you may have to do quite the opposite. You have just had a horrible surgery, but you may have to lay a little honey around the house, compliment him, make his favorite dinner, leave notes for him in secret places. When he is home, make it the best experience by planning fun things he can do with the kids and with you too. On this weekend, suggest things he can do on his own that require shorter periods of "away time."

My DH comes home exhausted and I have him go straight to bed and nap for 20 minutes and he comes back ready to deal with the kids, me and housework. If you do the same, wake him up and give him a cold glass of ______(fill in the blank) and listen to what he has to say. He may have stuff going on at work that is causing him to want to really "get away."

As I said before, these may be the last things you want to do and there may be a lot of resentment. But I feel that men are pretty simple and they just want to feel really important and loved. Each man will feel important and loved in his own way and as wives we have to figure that out and then do it despite how angry we are. With time, things may change.

I hope that helps! Keep us posted!

 

[littlbugmom]

Reading this post just breaks my heart and the only advice I can give you is to entice him to want to stay at home. Although, you would rather knock him over the head with a frying pan, you may have to do quite the opposite. You have just had a horrible surgery, but you may have to lay a little honey around the house, compliment him, make his favorite dinner, leave notes for him in secret places. When he is home, make it the best experience by planning fun things he can do with the kids and with you too. On this weekend, suggest things he can do on his own that require shorter periods of "away time."

My DH comes home exhausted and I have him go straight to bed and nap for 20 minutes and he comes back ready to deal with the kids, me and housework. If you do the same, wake him up and give him a cold glass of ______(fill in the blank) and listen to what he has to say. He may have stuff going on at work that is causing him to want to really "get away."

As I said before, these may be the last things you want to do and there may be a lot of resentment. But I feel that men are pretty simple and they just want to feel really important and loved. Each man will feel important and loved in his own way and as wives we have to figure that out and then do it despite how angry we are. With time, things may change.

I hope that helps! Keep us posted!

I feel I have to comment about this post. It sounds to me as if you're saying her man wouldn't want to golf so much if he were treated better inside the home? Not knowing the OP's situation in detail, I think we should assume she is a good partner who doesn't neglect her spouse.

I feel in general, human beings can be pretty simple and just want to feel really important and loved. Each human being will feel important and loved in his/her own way and it's up to that human being to communicate with his/her partner about what does and doesn't make him/her feel loved.

Right now, the OP ain't feeling the love.


I can't imagine handling a problem with my husband and trying to fix it by shooing him off to a nap and waking him up with a cold drink and an ear to bend. My husband and I treat each other very well and spoil each other on occassion but we still have problems that pop up here and there. We deal with them by talking about them. I think it would be a mistake not to.

 

[Brancaneve]

I always laugh about how people on the disboards get all worked up over what it took them probably a few seconds to read. The disagreements always seem to detract from the OP and it snowballs into something meaningless and silly.

So now that I am in the middle of one of these situations, I am only going to say that my advice came from a place of genuine concern and sympathy for the OP. Of course, I'm not saying they shouldn't talk and she should just transport herself to 1953! Equality makes for a happy marriage!!

I'm just suggesting she give her husband some love instead of being overly angry so he can enjoy being home. I lived with this most of my life because my dad kept himself as busy as possible and when he returned I had to listen to my mom ranting and raving. I grew up watching that this method never worked. Littlbugmom, I hope you can now see my perspective and we'll leave it at that.

 

[deedeetoo]

I completely disagree with Brancaneve, You don't reward bad behavior with a nap and a cold drink. He's an adult, not a child, though it does seem like he is acting more like a child.

OP, I almost hate to write this but I feel I must. Are you sure he is going out with the guys every weekend? When I read your post the first thing I thought of is that he is having an affair. Every Saturday he disappears for a major part of the day and doesn't care that you are upset about it? That just doesn't sound good.

 

[Darcy03231]

I completely disagree with Brancaneve, You don't reward bad behavior with a nap and a cold drink. He's an adult, not a child, though it does seem like he is acting more like a child.

OP, I almost hate to write this but I feel I must. Are you sure he is going out with the guys every weekend? When I read your post the first thing I thought of is that he is having an affair. Every Saturday he disappears for a major part of the day and doesn't care that you are upset about it? That just doesn't sound good.[/QUOTE]

I have to admit that was my first thought as well.

 

[HGD24]

....reason is cause he works very hard all week long to provide for the family and he does deserve to get to go and do, but every weekend????

UM - Hello OP! You work just as hard to provide for your family! You may not be bringing in money as a SAHM, but you're providing things that are just as important (love, support, meals, clean clothes & clean house). What you do is just as important as your husband's job outside of the home and no one should tell you any differently. Your DH may deserve a break now and then, but so do you. And no, every weekend is not ok when you have a young family and especially not when your spouse has had major surgery.

I think you both need to sit down and have a honest heart to heart. I've had to do it with my DH when he got to where he was playing too many sports every week so I know how tough it can be.

 

[Octoberbabiesrus]

OP, I almost hate to write this but I feel I must. Are you sure he is going out with the guys every weekend? When I read your post the first thing I thought of is that he is having an affair. Every Saturday he disappears for a major part of the day and doesn't care that you are upset about it? That just doesn't sound good.[/QUOTE]

I have to admit that was my first thought as well.

me three. Time to put a serious foot up his butt.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I completely disagree with Brancaneve, You don't reward bad behavior with a nap and a cold drink. He's an adult, not a child, though it does seem like he is acting more like a child.

OP, I almost hate to write this but I feel I must. Are you sure he is going out with the guys every weekend? When I read your post the first thing I thought of is that he is having an affair. Every Saturday he disappears for a major part of the day and doesn't care that you are upset about it? That just doesn't sound good.[/QUOTE]

I have to admit that was my first thought as well.

That's exactly what I would be thinking too. I would find a sitter for the kids and tell him you are coming with him, if nothing more than to see how he responds to it. I'm sorry but that just sounds a little fishy to me.

 

[verlee]

Op from your post it sounds like this is new behavior for your Dh? You just moved? Did your Dh get a new job or is he more stressed at his work? Are these new friends or old? It sounds like maybe he does not realize how his behavior is affecting you. (although the going out after you had major surgery is really not right. )

I would put a date on the calendar where just the two of you go out for a fun night. Then talk with him about how you feel (after you both have relaxed and reconnected some). I agree w/ pp that attacking him won't help. He needs to know what you are feeling and you need to know what he is feeling. Communication. Good Luck. If you two are not moving toward each other in your marriage then you are moving apart. No such thing as a status quo marriage.

 

[daleswife]

Sounds like he's trying to live like a single man instead of a family man. He needs to see the difference.

I have told him this a million times. I even told him if he wanted to be single to pack his bags and find him a place to live. Im not leaving my house cause he wants to be single and do what he wants to do.

I completely disagree with Brancaneve, You don't reward bad behavior with a nap and a cold drink. He's an adult, not a child, though it does seem like he is acting more like a child.

OP, I almost hate to write this but I feel I must. Are you sure he is going out with the guys every weekend? When I read your post the first thing I thought of is that he is having an affair. Every Saturday he disappears for a major part of the day and doesn't care that you are upset about it? That just doesn't sound good.

Ive thought about this too. ITs the first thing that went through my mind as well.

I do everything here, take care of the house, the kids, the pets, HIM, then IF i get a second I get to do something. but most of the time I dont even get a shower every day.

Even last weekend on the 4th he took off with his parents and went to a flea market while I was left to clean the house and cook for a cook out we were having(one week post op mind you). Granted he took my DS2 so I wouldnt have to "put up" with him. but DANG IT!!! DD6 i helpful but still 6.

I do show him love when he gets home. As a matter of fact, dinner is usually ready when 30 minutes after he gets home from work. (he gets home at 4:30pm) Ive even been known to stop what Im doing and get him a drink.....dumb yea.....1953...yea.....UGH, just makes me mad thinking about it. I did follow him one weekend and he was playing golf with his friends. Its the fact that I asked him plain and simple to keep the kids and spend time with them while I was in the hospital and he didn't. He says he left the hospital at 7pm and didnt get home until 9pm (yes it takes that long) and he was too tired to go the extra 20 minutes to pick them up......So instead of getting up the next day and going to get them he went to play golf.....JUST REALLY BURNS MY BUTTONS.....and the worst of it is he dont think hes doing anything wrong but says things like "you never let me do anything" GRRRRRR

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I have a friend who's husband does this to her from time to time and it makes her mad too. I think that you need to find a babysitter and tell him that the two of you need to sit down and talk about what has been going on. If your like me, I wouldn't care if he did this sometimes, but NOT every weekend. I think that you need to do this to get back on the same page. He needs to really know how this is making you feel. Believe me, I'm a SAHM too and we DO need adult time, other wise we start feeling like our jobs are not as important and we are not appreciated for all of the crap that we put up with everyday. I'm sorry that you are going through this.

 

[Brancaneve]

Op from your post it sounds like this is new behavior for your Dh? You just moved? Did your Dh get a new job or is he more stressed at his work? Are these new friends or old? It sounds like maybe he does not realize how his behavior is affecting you. (although the going out after you had major surgery is really not right. )

I would put a date on the calendar where just the two of you go out for a fun night. Then talk with him about how you feel (after you both have relaxed and reconnected some). I agree w/ pp that attacking him won't help. He needs to know what you are feeling and you need to know what he is feeling. Communication. Good Luck. If you two are not moving toward each other in your marriage then you are moving apart. No such thing as a status quo marriage.

Thank you Verlee! I was coming from the same place as you but I think you said it much better. With some love(and a good kick in the butt) you can get to the bottom of this! That's all I meant to say. Thank you Verlee for doing it so well and the best of luck to OP. Be strong!

 

[okeydokey]

How about you put a few dates on the calendar just for you. Movie, lunch with a friend, shopping or just taking a walk (once you are up and about again). If he gets to go have fun, you do too. Some time out of house doing something just for you will make you feel better. He stays home and spends some one on one time with the kids.

My husband hunts on Saturdays during season. On Sunday I go to a movie. He goes to play poker on Friday night, the next Sat afternoon I have lunch with the girls. Otherwise the resentment just builds. This way we each have alittle time to unwind. We also do make time for family activities.

 

[sk!mom]

First off, I'm sorry for your situation. Is this a new problem? Did you previously spend every weekend together? It it is new then I would also want to get to the bottom of it.

Not being with you after surgery is unbelievable. I would be very hurt if my Dh played golf in that situation.

Having said that, I will play the devil's advocate to some degree. When you say he does these things every weekend, do you mean he leaves for the whole weekend or for a few hours. Golf for instance takes half a day. I would see no problem with my DH playing golf every Sat. or Sun. morning. Fishing can also be done in a few hours. To me it is understandable for a man who works all week to want a few hours on the weekend to relax and pursue something that he enjoys. The whole weekend is another story all together. How old is your DH?

As far as you needing time, work that out with him. He plays golf in the morning and then you do something in the afternoon while he watches the kids. Or if his parents are willing to sit, let them and you both go out for some free time.

As far as the money factor, I'm always amazed when one partner says that the other is spending money that you do not have. Your DH needs to be just as aware of finances as you are. Now if it is more a case of you don't like how he's spending money, Then that's another area for discussion and compromise. Adults in a relationship should have some money that they can spend as they like.

Bottom line- I won't go all 1950's on you but if you are constantly b******* and complaining about this, he won't want to stay home more. You need some rational calm discussions about what it would take to make you both happy.

Good Luck- BTW how long have you been married? We all had issues like this to work out in the early days now after 29 years it's pretty much smooth sailing. Hang in there!