OT: Question about funeral and kids

[Fabinva]

My husband's grandfather passed over the weekend, unfortunately I never got to meet him neither our kids (ages 8 and 6). As of right now we do not plan on taking either of the kids to the wake or funeral but I have doubts about it, a bit worried about other family members frowning on it but I'm afraid the kids will be hard to control and to understand the situation. My DS8has a hard time being quiet and acting his age in family gatherings unless he is well entertained running around with other kids or if he is the only child present, he'll probably be ok if I just take him and drop my daughter with sitter.
I would rather not take daughter as I'm afraid she is too young and worried about the impact, about a year ago she watched movie Bridge to Therabitia (sp?) and after she asked me forever if I was going to die and could not shake the "death" thoughts for a while. I was mad at myself for not researching more about the movie or I would had skipped it.
Advice?

 

[kacaju]

My girls, who are now 15, 12 and 9 have been to many funerals already. To our family it is a part of life and if it is a family member then they will be there. (I would not take them to non family unless it was a very close friend)

 

[WeDisney4]

Just my opinion but if the kids never meet him, why would the family now have opinions on them not going to his wake?

I truly would not bring our kids until we were sure they were both ready.

Good Luck & Sorry for your Family's Loss.

 

[kristinw3girls]

I would probably take them just for a short amount of time. Maybe a friend could then take them to he sitter. These things are so tricky at their ages. You don't want it to be too much to handle, and you also don't want them running around wild and crazy. If you can't arrange someone to take them out after a short visit, I'd skip it altogether for them. Sorry for your loss. My MIL is also not well, and we are trying to make advanced arrangements or plans for our 3 girls.

 

[Jaymie]

If the kids have never met him, I wouldn't bring them. My dad died last month and my DS4 came but only for a short time. Plus he was very close to his grandpa. My SIL picked him up and took him home with her. My brother & sister kept their kids their the whole time and it was a lot of work chasing them around and trying to keep them under control. Plus there's not much for a small child to do.

So sorry for your family's loss.

 

[mom2travel]

Our children are 13 and 8. DH & I have discussed whether or not we would bring the children to funeral services (our elderly (90s) grandparents have been in and out of hospitals lately; my grandmother recently passed away and we are awaiting news of when her memorial service will be). In our case, our children know their greatgrandparents so we decided that they should attend. We thought it would help their grieving process.

I do not think children should attend just to make other family members happy or to not offend others. It seems like it would be very confusing and traumatic for a child, especially in a case where the child did not know the relative who passed away. I would though mention that daddy's grandfather died and that he is sad - kids pick up on emotions and giving them an honest answer is best (imo). Where you are going may come up if you have a sitter stay with the kids when you attend the funeral service so you could say something then; and just listen if they have any questions.

You know your children best, so do what seems right for them right now in these particular circumstances. I'm sorry for your husband's loss.

 

[Fabinva]

Thank you for the advice.
The reason we (kids and I) never met him is cause he never wanted visitors, husband always said he was a loner and was in an assisted living facility for last 10months after his health deteriorated. He was visited there only by his son's and two adult grandson's (my husband and his brother) but even then he never made them feel welcome (sad)
I should add that I took the kids to his wife's funeral (they were separated for many years), I had met her and so did the kids and it was about 4.5 hours away so had no choice but to take them with me or not go at all. Both kids did fine but during the funeral there was a time when they were almost giggling (once they got bored) and I was so afraid they would not be able to stop but I quickly and quietly separated them before they disrupted ceremony
I also feel guilty about not taking them now when everyone saw them before and seemed to enjoy seeing the kids. My common sense tells me they (kids) should participate while my husband says NO
I will take them to wake but not funeral, that way I'll be able to leave if they start to act up.

 

[gaelic grace]

I agree that you can't make a decision about what your children should participate in based on other family members feelings. I think every child is different. My daughter who is 7 had a friend whose sister died. She had alot of physical problems and my daughter was aware that she was sick alot. She didn't want to go to the funeral but she did go to visitation to see her friend. She said she didn't want to see her in the casket so we didn't make her but if she had changed her mind we would have prepared her for that and let her see her. I'm not sure I would have even given her the option if it wasn't someone we knew.

 

[mjkacmom]

I'm Irish - we start going to wakes and funerals as babies and small children, and I've done the same with my kids. They were very close to my grandmother, and I brought them along to her wake when they were 1, 3, 6, and 8, with no issues - my 3 year old kept going up to the casket to see grandma, but we had talked about death beforehand, so she understood her soul was no longer in her body, it's okay to be sad because we miss her, but she's in Heaven now, her body was old and tired, etc.

I think it's much easier to start early, and with someone they're not close to.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

JMHO but there's no time like the present -- the kids didn't know him so they won't be upset at his passing, but it will familiarize them with the whole process so, in the event someone close to them does pass, they'll at least know what the process is about. I'm horrified when I hear people say that their kids are teens and have never been to a wake/funeral, but now (mom, dad, grandma, grandpa -- you fill in the blank) has died and their kids are freaking out. Of course they will -- they have no idea what to expect and they just lost someone very near and dear to them. I think this is a perfect learning opportunity without the added burden of grief.

FWIW, my DD13 was extremely close to my grandmother who passed when DD was 3 months shy of her 5th birthday. DD has been to numerous other funerals (neighbors, etc.) so she wasn't afraid of the process. She went to the viewing in the morning, then stayed behind at an aunt's house instead of attending the evening viewing. I felt she needed closure since she hadn't seen my grandmother for a month or so prior to her passing. She went at her own pace and I let her call the shots. She NEVER had nightmare or was traumatized by the wake. I didn't take her to to the church/funeral because I wanted my own time to grieve without worrying about keeping her occupied. However, we did pick her up and take her to the repast, where she got upset because people were telling stories and jokes and laughing. I explained to her that it was okay to remember her great-grandmother and to think about happy times and that's what the repast was all about. Remembering the person and the good times.

 

[Disney1976]

I have my reservations about taking young kids to a funeral. Aside from the fact that young children may have a hard time understanding the somber nature of the event, I think it can be a bit traumatizing. A few years ago, when I was still married, my ex-wife grandfather passed away -on our honeymoon, no less!

My ex decided to take my former stepson, who was then a just turned 5 year old to the wake, and ex-MIL decided it would be ok for him to see the body laying in the open casket! Talk about nightmares? The body looked so bad it shouldn't have been an open casket to begin with-it scared me, and it definately had an effect on my stepson.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I would not take them to the wake or funeral. They don't even know this person. I think you have to respect your husband's wishes. It is his family.

 

[tanyaandallie]

I do not believe in shielding children from death. Death is part of life. I started going to relatives funerals when I was 5, my younger sister was 4. Are they fun? Nope. Can they both kids? I guess so, but it's all part of learning about life.

That said, you are talking about a relative they didn't even know. Never met. If this was their close grandparent, I would say absolutely take them. But, in the case of a grandparent they have never met, I'm not so sure. In the end I'd probably end up taking them, though. He was their grandparent.

 

[kcromley]

personally, I think it is preferable to expose children to the "circle of life" matter-of-factly along the way, and this is a chance to do that. It is a chance to teach them your values, and your children are old enough to gain from the experience and to, in the end, be glad they attended.

 

[The Disney Bunch]

I wouldn't take them - most people don't expect to see ids at a wae & if they never met him, I wouldn't think to take them.

 

[Del]

My view: The kids didn't know him. Don't bring them. They had no relationship with him. Has anyone asked the kids if they want to go?
The answer is in them.

Del

 

[Kimmumum]

I'm Irish - we start going to wakes and funerals as babies and small children, and I've done the same with my kids. They were very close to my grandmother, and I brought them along to her wake when they were 1, 3, 6, and 8, with no issues - my 3 year old kept going up to the casket to see grandma, but we had talked about death beforehand, so she understood her soul was no longer in her body, it's okay to be sad because we miss her, but she's in Heaven now, her body was old and tired, etc.

I think it's much easier to start early, and with someone they're not close to.

I'm Irish too and I totally agree. My boys are 14 and 10. They know that it is a part of life and they haven't had any issues.

 

[emma'smom]

Dh's father died a few weeks ago and we decided NOT to take dd6 and dd3 to the funeral. They had only met him a few times.

We had to travel about 7 hours each way for a one-day event (which would mean a lot of time in the car for the kids) and dd6 was in the midst of final dress rehearsals for the town ballet production.

Also, my dd6 freaks out about so many things (always afraid something she touches is poisonous, etc), I just didn't see the point of giving her something to worry about.

We did talk about the fact that their grandfather had died and that he was very old and sick. Dd3 seemed to recognize that "something big" had happened and told many people that her grandfather had died--but since neither knew him very well, it really wasn't a traumatizing loss.

We told them that we were going to a special church service to say good-bye to him.

It actually worked out well that we didn't take them. They wouldn't have known most people there, it was a short service (where they would have had to be very quiet--hard for dd3) and just a small luncheon. Only one other child (the other DGD who lived locally).

However, this was a good opportunity to gently introduce lessons about death without it affecting them the way it probably will if something were to happen to the DGParents who live nearby.

 

[pednurse]

I see nothing wrong with taking kids to wakes/viewings/funerals....as long as you prepare them ahead of time for what it will be like, what they should be have like, etc. When my grandfather died at the beginning of January of this year, I took my kids to the funeral & burial services. They were not close to him (I was not either) but had met him several times. They are much closer to my brother, who is most likely in the end stages of his life. I did not want his funeral to be their first. I preferred it to be one for someone who they were not close to as they were able to see what is was all about & get all of their questions out & answered when we were all in a better frame of mind rather than waiting until it was someone very close. They were 9 & 5 at the time. Yes, they had tons of questions (and even though I knew they would, even I was surprised at some of the ones they came up with....especially when it came to questions about the burial). But they handled it very well and were well-behaved throughout the family viewing, the funeral service at the church, and the graveside burial service. They are both used to having times when they need to be quiet & well-behaved (church, school, etc), so that part was nothing new. They knew the expectations of their behavior ahead of time (as well as the consequences of misbehavior). They had questions for some time afterwards as well, but neither has suffered from nightmares or trauma from the experience. Both kept flowers (that we hung & dried) from one of the casket sprays to hang in their rooms....this was their request as a token to remember their great-granddad by....not something I personally thought of, but they thought of. So I see nothing wrong with taking the kids. It's a part of life and used to be part of the whole family/community experience that we've gotten away from in this country.

 

[Pixiedust34]

My view is that it's OK to bring kids of all ages to funerals. In fact, attending a funeral of someone they did not know (or know well) for their first funeral would most likely be easier for them than being in deep mourning at their first funeral. My dh's dad died when dh was just 10 years old, and sadly that was the first funeral dh ever attended.

We've never shielded our kids from funeral homes or funerals regardless of how young they were when we lost loved ones. They attended their first funeral (my grandmother) when they were preschoolers.