OT: Question about funeral and kids

[Shelton123]

Definitley do not shield them from death. Once I knew this kid in 3rd grade who's parents shielded him from death, and I told him about it (I was only 8 or so) and he started freaking out, and he had to get therapy for weeks and had to miss about 2 hours of school a day. So my advice would be to take them, if they don't want to see the dead body you don't have to make them. Just prepare them mentally, and they will be fine. I attended my first funeral when I was 4, and my sister when she was 1.

 

[Kenenitz]

I don't see why the kids would need to be there. They never met him and it's not like he is going to mind.. no snarkiness intended.. I just mean, if they went it would only be for the other relatives to see them there.

If your grandparent had died and a cousin of yours was in the same situation and he came with only his wife and not his kids would you care? probably not.

Regardless of your choice, I just wanted to offer my condolences to you and your husband.

 

[jessica52877]

Since the children never met him then I wouldn't take them.

 

[graygables]

I, too, am sorry for your family's loss.

I went to my grandmother's funeral when I was barely 5. It had a profound, lasting, negative impact on me and I didn't even go up to the coffin. I have clear memories of how horrible it was. I decided, even at 5, that I would never attend another funeral nor make any of my children.

Unfortunately, I've been forced to attend 4 more funerals in my lifetime, but I will not go to graveside services. To me, a funeral is NOT part of the "circle of life". DEATH is. Yes, my children know about death. They also know that other people have funerals. They know that neither hubby nor I want one and would rather not have to attend any. They know that they do not ever *have* to attend one if they choose not to.

Some people need the funeral service for closure and that's fine, but we don't and we won't take our children to any, certainly not to keep family members from snubbing us. I'm all about doing whatever is cheapest and using the money they saved for them to all go to WDW. I've actually written that into my will...

 

[sk!mom]

Thank you for the advice.
I also feel guilty about not taking them now when everyone saw them before and seemed to enjoy seeing the kids. My common sense tells me they (kids) should participate while my husband says NO

If you are torn but your DH feels a definite "no" then I would let him decide.

 

[Miss LD]

we debate this a lot because we've had 3 of DH's and my grandparents pass away in kind of a short period. DS had just turned 3 when my Grandma passed away, and so we had to decide what to do.
In that case we took him because we knew it would be a closed casket, it was at the church where my uncle is the minister, and one of his church members was in the nursery so we could bring them out.
For us, unless there is an "escape" plan I won't bring my kids.
I have a hard time at funerals. So, I think it's a lot to expect kids to deal well.

The thing my parents did, which I thought was smart, was bring us to a couple of funerals for people we knew but weren't too close to. We sat at the back of the church, and we kind of watched what was going on.
It helped us to know what funerals were all about without dealing with the death of, say, a grandparent.

As for your situation, I wouldn't bring them. It's stressful for kids to behave in those circumstances. If family asks about them, just invite them over or something. I truly truly believe that you should make an effort to see family in good circumstances.

 

[waltskids]

I'm Irish - we start going to wakes and funerals as babies and small children, and I've done the same with my kids. They were very close to my grandmother, and I brought them along to her wake when they were 1, 3, 6, and 8, with no issues - my 3 year old kept going up to the casket to see grandma, but we had talked about death beforehand, so she understood her soul was no longer in her body, it's okay to be sad because we miss her, but she's in Heaven now, her body was old and tired, etc.

I think it's much easier to start early, and with someone they're not close to.

This is my family's view as well. My first funeral was for my pop-pop when I was 6 months old (of course I don't remember it), then my other three grandparents at 4, 7, and 11 years old. In addition, I also attended other funerals when I was a young child as well for aunts, family friends, etc. Although our DS has no living grandparents (can you tell I have been to alot of funerals in my lifetime?), I believe we will teach our son about the 'circle' of life' and when the time comes, he will attend funerals for family members. Hopefully, it won't happen for a long, long time.

 

[JoyG]

I guess you gotta know your kids.

I remember when my great uncle died I was forced to go to his wake and I was terrified of seeing a dead body. I had my hands over my eyes and barely peeked through the whole time. I was in 1st grade.

I carried that fear with me through adulthood. When my own grandfather died when I was 18, I refused to go to his funeral because I didn't want to see him dead. I am so sad now that I made that decision, because I feel like I never got to say goodbye. I don't have a sense of closure.

I gradually started getting over my fears. When my best friend's father died, I went to his wake and sat in the back row. I didn't go up to the body, but I could see it from a distance.


Then, when my other grandfather and grandmother died, I was able to go to their funerals without any fear. I took my kids to my grandmother's funeral and wake last year and they were fine with it. No fear at all. We took one last trip to see her when she was alive and I told the kids she was sick and dying so it was the last time we'd see her alive. They said goodbye to her and then when it was time for her funeral, they were sad but not scared at all.

My four year old went up to her casket and waved at her.

 

[#1 Pocahontas]

I'd ask them if they wanted to go. When my great-grandmother died I was 6 and I really wanted to go to the funeral but I wasn't allowed to. To this day I remember that. But, I knew her well so that makes a difference.

If they want to go I'd take them, if not then I'd get a sitter.

 

[Tam1067]

A funeral church service would probably not have an impact on the children; however, a viewing if that's what is happening in your case might.

When I was six, my sixteen year old uncle died after an illness. I had known he was sick and was not that surprised when he died. My mom believed children should go to the funeral home and be part of the grieving process. She was wrong. I was so traumatized when my dad picked me up so I could see the body that I cannot adequately describe the impact this had on me. This is one of the most vivid childhood memories I have.

I do not allow my children to go to viewings because I believe they are morbid; I firmly believe my experience as a six year old affected my attitude about viewings today. Many cultures skip this part of the grieving, so it is not necessary for one to go through the stages of grief or healing or whatever.

Of course, all kids are different, and if the kids were not close to the person, they are less likely to be negatively affected I'd think, but then there's not that much point in their going in the first place, is there?

 

[PollyannaMom]

I would say no.

Generally, I do feel that it's kind of a good idea for children to attend a funeral service (the church part or similar - not the vieing unless THEY want to) for someone they DON'T know very well, before they have to attend one for someone they ARE close too.

But in this case, it's your husband's family, and he feels more comfortable with them not going. - I expect this means that if they were there, he would be worrying about how they were handling things instead of concentrating on his own grief and closure.

I don't think anyone else will even pay enough attention to be offended.