OT: Parents of onlies

[karenTX]

Another parent of an only here too!
I have 2 sisters-in-law that always get onto me about having another. They insist that DD needs that to have someone to play with and to help out when we get older. But they set poor examples...their kids don't play together unless trying to injure each other is a game now. They are ALWAYS fighting. And as my DM just went through...you can never really count on someone else helping out with elderly parents. My DM's brother NEVER helped out in any way with the care of their dying mother. But as soon as the funeral was over, he was calling DM asking for his share of the estate. It just made me so mad!

So anyway...we were blessed with only one after years of trying (and fertility treatments, surgery, etc.) and we're so very happy with her!! Not to mention, she nearly killed me getting here so having another just is NOT an option. But of course...ask my s-i-l...they'll tell you that my doctors don't know what their talking about.

 

[hoosiergirl7]

Dh & I are currently parents of an only child, but not by choice and we hope that it doesn't stay that way. However, what I'm dealing with it the exact opposite of everyone else. I'm not being asked by people when we're having a second, I'm getting the, "You should be happy that you were able to adopt one." And most of it comes from my mom. Aren't moms supposed to be the ones that say, "When are you going to give me another grandchild?"

As much as I love my son, he's in constant need of entertainment and he gets easily bored by me. He likes hanging out with other kids his age or hanging out with the "guys" meaning Daddy & uncles. He's all boy and lets me know all the time that I'm a girl - even at just under 3. I'm not cool enough to do the things that he does with Daddy. So for me, I've had a really rough time with it and don't want to be the mother of an only for that reason. We're trying to adopt again and who knows, it may never happen. I will be okay if he's our only child, but more for his sake and my sanity sake he needs a sibling. We're military and I can't rely on having kids his age around. At our previous base there were kids his age around. Where we are now, there isn't and since I'm a SAHM, I won't put him in daycare. I can't afford to and I'm not going to go to work just so I can. I have to wait until he's old enough to go to Montessori school for him to find friends. Terrible, I know. But where we live is so behind the times as far as play groups and mom's groups is concerned it's unbelieveable. There's nothing!!! I've looked like crazy.

So there are pluses and minuses to everything it seems!!!

 

[MissyPrissy]

My DH is an only and SO GLAD he is after seeing all the drama my family has on a constant basis! Three girls...good lord the DRAMA! I am a big believer in birth order and personality traits that result. Only children are often VERY driven, have a good sense of self and are natural born leaders. Of course there are downsides to being an only, but DH was running his own business by the time he was 25. At 33 the business has grown, he has a waiting list of two years for his services as an Occupational therapist and consultant and he attributes his drive to being an only child!!! I don't know how true that is, but he believes in it!

If you are happy with your family the way it is, then everyone else needs to sit on a tack and HUSH!!!

 

[Squidrific]

It is irritating enough to have to defend a personal nobody-elses-business- decision, but downright cruel to assume it was a decision and make me feel bad. I wanted more kids, just couldn't have them. I'm not sure how it works both ways! I'm just here with my only child, minding my own business!!!

I totally agree with you! After 5 years of fertility treatments and tumors I was told I would never have a child. God, however, had different plans and gave me the gift of my dd10, but there can be no more now.

I once had a mother of 6 children ask me how many I had and when I answered that Kate was my only she said, "Well that is too bad - my husband and I decided that having a family was much more important than having a lot of material things." WHAT?

Where did that assumption come from. I was too shocked to do anything.

 

[Barbers2005]

Where are they coming from, because I think they need to stop coming from there!!

ITA! Seriously, though- I do try to be polite to people who ask, even if I think they're being rude. But, it does get to me. I mean, I never tell people to stop having kids, so why do they keep telling me to have more? The biggest offenders are my in-laws, who keep asking, arguing, pleading and bullying even though we have made it very clear we think our family is perfect already. Sadly, there doesn't seem to be much I can do to make them stop, so I just have to grit my teeth and vent with my one-kid posse on the disboards.

 

[hoosiergirl7]

I totally agree with you! After 5 years of fertility treatments and tumors I was told I would never have a child. God, however, had different plans and gave me the gift of my dd10, but there can be no more now.

I once had a mother of 6 children ask me how many I had and when I answered that Kate was my only she said, "Well that is too bad - my husband and I decided that having a family was much more important than having a lot of material things." WHAT?

Where did that assumption come from. I was too shocked to do anything.

Yikes! I have many friends who have large families, but to make this assumption that people with eithe 1 or 2 kids are doing it because of material things is wrong. Don't get me wrong, I do think that there are people out there who want to have it all and they limit the number of kids for that reason, but like you we were faced with issues out of our hands. For medical reasons I was told it was impossible to have kids of my own. Not impossible to get pregnant, but impossible to carry a child to term without killing myself. I have to take care of me first, so it was no babies for us. We have adopted one child so far and if God sees it fit for us to have more, then so be it. Dh is still hung up on having 4 and I'm okay if we manage to adopt a 2nd. I'll be okay if it's just DS too, but I'd love for him to have a sibling.

So sorry you had to deal with that kind of comment. Some people just don't think before they open their mouths!!!

Apr 1986 - offsite
Sept 2002 - POR
Sept 2006 - offsite

16 days until our WDW Trip!!!

 

[suffolkprincess]

Well, God gave us our precious blessing, and that is enough for me. If I cant have another child, He got it perfect the first time! I so love my baby girl! She is my everything.
QUOTE]

My husband is not at ALL religious, so he wouldn't say it quite the same way, but that is how he feels (that our DD is the perfect DD for us) to a T and he is always willing to say that when people dare ask-- but they never really do ask the dad as often as the mom...

 

[Principessa Alba]

so I just have to grit my teeth and vent with my one-kid posse on the disboards.

I've never been in a posse before! Is there a secret handshake or something, or do we just hang out at the mall and look menacing?

 

[disneyfan6301]

Guess I am part of the only posse, too. I am an only child (not by my parents choice, but medically the only sound choice) and my DH and I have a DS (10). We always thought we wanted 2, but as DS grew and demanded more and more of his dad's time, my DH (who originally wanted 3 since he is one of 5) wasn't sure about having another. Now, with DS being 10, and I am pushing 40 (NO! Did I just say 40? ), we are perfectly content with our only. Yes, people continually ask when we are having another or tell me I NEED another. I just smile and tell them we are happy. DS will tell anyone in a heartbeat that he is happy being an only and doesn't want a sibling. Luckily he has 2 cousins who are very close to his age (also both onlies. One by choice, one because he lost his brother in a car wreck). It is not so bad being an only. The only down side I really ever saw was when something was broken, it was always your fault! There was no one else to blame it on

 

[DiznEeyore]

I am on only child & so is my DH. In our humble opinions: It's lonely being an only & as our parents age everything is on us. It has been especially rough on me b/c my Dad died when I was in h.s., my mother doesn't drive, & when she battled cancer I was often all alone in the surgery waiting room for the entire day.

I can understand how difficult that must have been for you!

I had to add though, that having more than one child doesn't necessarily guarantee your children someone to "share the burden" as parents age. First, not all children are willing to help their siblings and parents out, and second (and sadly), siblings can and do pass away, leaving a child as an only. This happened to my sil when her brother was killed in an accident. She will be the one to take care of her parents should the time come, even though she had a sibling to begin with.

To the OP, we have an only (who's now almost 14), and people finally stopped bugging us about another baby a few years back.

 

[Barbers2005]

Dd4 always says that the cat did it. Like, "Meg, did you eat the lollipop that was in the cupboard?" or "Did you draw in my book with a crayon?" Boy, that cat gets into a lot of mischief. Btw, being in a posse rocks! We can all go to the mall , but incognito . Then we can do our super secret handshake and have a posse party . Gotta keep it on the hush-hush, though.

 

[littleprissboutique]

Dd4 always says that the cat did it. Like, "Meg, did you eat the lollipop that was in the cupboard?" or "Did you draw in my book with a crayon?" Boy, that cat gets into a lot of mischief. Btw, being in a posse rocks! We can all go to the mall , but incognito . Then we can do our super secret handshake and have a posse party . Gotta keep it on the hush-hush, though.

LOL My dd does this too! She will be four in October... She plays the blame game with my brother. When we go down to see my mom she always gets in to everything. My mom says "Kaylee, did you turn over Grammy's lamp?" or "Kaylee, did you get Grammy's lipstick?" Hear is her reply--"No Grammy I did not do it"
"Well who did"
"Grammy it was Bubba, I saw him do it"

Keep in mind my brother in 23, and is almost always at work. My dd calls him Bubba ( Name is Travis ) and he eats it up..LOL

So she has some how learned to lie at an early age. Where I do not know. She does not go to day care and is home with me.. LOL

 

[georgiajaimie]

I have 2 daughters and because of this we are always asked when we will have another so its not only when you have just 1 that you get hassled. We were trying for another for almost 2 years but have put it off for the time being till after the wedding. Not sure it will happen though as things went a bit pear shaped after Jaimie.
Its everybodies personal decision to have whatever number of children they choose.

 

[Caleb's Mom]

I can totally understand! We have an only DS 5. Is it only me or do you sometimes want to break out with the 10 minute TMI answer rather than the polite one liner. "I have no family support system nearby to help with more than one child. We don't have the financial resources to afford another. DH works 12 hour shifts including every other weekend and nights so I am very often alone carrying the load. I was absent the day the good Lord gave out the mothering instinct - I'm really not a nurturing boo-boo kissing, cookie baker. I must work full time to help support our family and right now don't have the time or energy to throw another person into the family mix." We adore our son and at times I do wish he had a bro or sis to play Candyland or soccer in the yard with. But based on our life circumstances sometimes you just have to play the hand you're dealt. My mom told me we are selfish to only have one but never told my sis it was too many when she had three. I say God bless parents everywhere if you have one child or ten!

 

[disneybridetobe]

Hello!!
I'm an only child, so I had to read this post. Anyway, I don't ever regret not having a sibling. Christmas was always better than my friends', I was able to get help when I needed it, even as an adult.
Growing up as an only child, I learned valuable skills that more readily to an only child. I'm way more independent than most people my age (25) and I learned at a very early age how to take care of myself, and take responsibility for myself and my actions. I think that by being/having an only child, I was forced (not by parents) to interact and make friends with other children, outside of my family. I learned how to form lasting friendships with friends. Granted, they weren't sisters, but then if something went wrong, they could go home! (lol)
I also learned how to socialize with adults at an early age, and developed a wonderful adult relationship with my (divorced) parents.
At times it wasn't "easy," seeing friends with brothers and sisters who got along, but then I didn't have anyone steal my toys, or to fight with me
Maybe I didn't develop "fighting and conflict" skills as much as children with siblings, but I think I moreso developed compromisation and peace-keeping skills instead.

I don't think there is anything shameful or wrong with having an only child, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!


(PS- I am not by any means saying that people with siblings are bad, incapable, argumentative warmongers; but that only children develop different skills, at varying degrees)

 

[IMALOVNDISNEY]

I too get tired of hearing, when are you going to have another, you need to have another for your son's sake, etc........

I too get this question. And have been getting it for the past 11 yrs....My answer is usually.
"God has Blessed us with a healthy/beautifull daughter and after 5 pregnencies and only one child,This must be what God wanted us to have. Plus, I am emotionally and mentally done having children."
This usually shuts them up and they don't know what to say.

When my daughter used to asked for a brother or sister. We always told her that if we had more children that we wouldn't be able to go to Disney and the beach every year like we do. She soon changed her mind. Now that she's 11 (almost 12). She says she like being the only because she sees her friends with siblings and their moms and dads don't get to spend as much time with just them.

 

[Barbers2005]

When dd4 asks why she can't have a sibling, we tell her that our family is just the right size now. We tell her that we love her so much that we want to be able to spend lots of time with her and do special Mommy/Daddy/Megan things. We explained to her that a new baby would need a lot of attention and care, so we wouldn't be able to do some of the things we do together now. Sometimes she gets the short version- you are so perfect that we don't need any more kids. She's pretty cool about it- at her age, having a sibling is about on par with having a puppy. However, I would have this talk a lot less often if certain family members would stop suggesting to dd how cool it would be to have a brother or sister.

 

[Disney4Drew]

DS will be 4 in December, and we are not having any more. I just got the sibling question again yesterday. I just smiled and said "we're done". I don't give anyone any explanations anymore because we love our family size and don't intend to change it. It's not like I go around asking people why did they have two or three kids. I find it amusing that people are always want to know WHY we would only have one. I don't give them anything exciting to satisfy their curiosity!

 

[hoosiergirl7]

Dd4 always says that the cat did it. Like, "Meg, did you eat the lollipop that was in the cupboard?" or "Did you draw in my book with a crayon?" Boy, that cat gets into a lot of mischief. Btw, being in a posse rocks! We can all go to the mall , but incognito . Then we can do our super secret handshake and have a posse party . Gotta keep it on the hush-hush, though.

That's funny!!! Our DS almost 3, sometimes blames the dogs, but more often he tattles on himself. Dh will come home and DS will go running up to him and say, "I hit the dogs & mommy said, 'no don't do that.' and then I said, "no mommy.', etc. He'll tattle on himself almost all the time - especially when he's doing something he's not supposed to. He hasn't quite caught on that when he tattles on himself he gets in trouble.

Apr 1986 - offsite
Sept 2002 - POR
Apr 2003, Aug 2003, Sept 2005 - Disneyland (daytrips)
Sept 2006 - offsite

 

[Ash aka sky]

It really has nothing to do with anyone else.

I can see where you are coming from... my husband and I decided we only wanted 2 children. When I got pregnant with our second I told him if I got to 7 months pregnant and something were to happen with the baby/pregnancy then I would not want to be pregnant again and we would have only the one. When I was 7.5 months pregnant my husband got 'fixed'. People could not believe that we did that before the baby was born. Yeap like we didn't put thought into it and we didn't talk to doctors

Some people have nothing better to do than interfer in other peoples lives.

Ash