OT: Parents of onlies

[Ash aka sky]

I have 2 daughters and because of this we are always asked when we will have another so its not only when you have just 1 that you get hassled.

We have 2 daughters too and quite often hear 'oh so you will be trying for a boy now' or 'doesn't your husband want a boy' blah blah blah.

Ash

 

[Principessa Alba]

My DD had pretend friends with very colorful lives. She didn't blame them for things, but they were always doing the things she wasn't allowed to do! One or the other imaginary friend was always staying up all night or walking through a parking lot without holding an adult's hand.

She was always tattling on them!!!!!

 

[erik'smom]

Miss Manners says that whenever questions are asked about the use or non use of your womb, one should just be silent. I never really used the advice until a particularly upsetting Thanksgiving at the in-laws.

I usually also say it's a medical reason, although I always knew I would only have one child.

Proud parent of my only child!

 

[Temair]

We have an only. DD will be in 7 in less than a month. And yes we get asked alot about when will we have another one. She is the only Grandkid, Only Great Grand Kid on both sides of the family. We also live 24 hr drive from the closest relatives. We strugled for a long time on having more kids but by then she was 4 or 5 and I thought that was too much of an age difference. DD has asked for a sibling on ocassion and I explain that it costs money to have kids. So if we had a sibling for her we wouldn't get to disney as often. She said she would rather go to Disney. (Good choice) When people get nosey I tell then that if we have another either we are adopting of DH can have the experience. That usually gets people quiet.

There are so many benefits to having an only in that you have time and money to do stuff together, like museums, disney and other travels. Its also cheeper as you don't need a huge $300,000 house to live in. You can get buy in a nice $150,000 house with less bedrooms and bathrooms. Everytime I think I want another I just remember disney and remind myself that another would make it alot more expensive.

Temair

 

[Magalex]

Yes I am another that belongs to this club. I have one beautiful happy sociable 6 yr old boy. Actually normal He makes friends very easy and some neigbors say he knows everyone(very true)because since day one my DH and I took him everywhere. Alot of families with three or more kids don't even go out of the backyard or to the grocery store. I know one mom of three that she even gets disappointed sometimes that she is unable to afford extra activities for her children(sports, dance etc.).
I am so proud of him that he has great social skills.

As for myself I am the very last of 6 children. Big age span between myself and siblings. You can be lonely with a big family too. Also don't believe that there are many caretakers for aging parents w/ mulitple children. Just more arguments.

 

[Principessa Alba]

I just thought you should all know that my only is all grown up, just having graduated from college, and if she's suffered from being an only, it doesn't show!

She's much more social than I am and has lots of friends, and yet she has a strong work ethic and graduated summa cum laude from a good school. I'm so proud of her I could burst! I'm sorry if I'm bragging about her too much, but I just wanted you to know that an only child has just as much chance for happiness and success and one with brothers and sisters!

 

[jessica52877]

Hmm, I have never had anyone say, only one! In fact most I know think one is great! and that it was a good decision to stop at one. I have heard of so many parents having another so their child could have a sibling. WHY? There are plenty of people in this world if you ask me, he can have friends, etc. Have another just for a child, NO WAY!

I would be annoyed if people (especially family who knew I was happy with one) kept butting in!

 

[mikesdisneymom]

I am a single parent of a only child, and have decided to never have another child, the pregancy was horrible and would not want to go thru that again, I understand how hard it is for family to ask when you are going to have another, my family does not ask since I am not married, however I do get it from my ds9, he wants to know when he is going to have a brother or a sister, I always explain that it would mean no more mommy and me trip to DL or WDW, that seems to hold him off for awhile.

 

[Longsx3]

We also have an only DD (10) and while the choice was made for me due to a hyserectomy at 32, I am very pleased with just having one. DD(10) has seen the world because, having just one it made travelling a lot easier while we lived in Germnay. She is very sociable and will adjusted. DD can be comfortable any enviroment, she plays with her friends as well as can carry a conversation with an adult.

On occassion DD has asked for siblings but she she realises that it won't be happening, I have always had the theory that kids just don't know what all comes with having a sibling. You can't send them back. Now that she is older she sees her friends and their siblings fight and she is glad to have just a dog & cat.

 

[mickeyhat]

I could write forever. We have one child and our happy and content. We love our family as is and don't feel it's right to have another child just so our son can have a sibling. It's not like buying a toy. We have family who did just that and the poor second child is treated like a plaything for the first child.

Also, friends of ours have 3 children. A 4 year old and twin 3 year olds. She constantly complains about how hard her life is and how she can't do anything with the kids because she can't watch them all. In the next sentence she's asking me when I'll have another. Does this make any sense? I think its a case of "misery likes company". Most of the families I know with 3 or more children can travel or do anything nice with their children. Our child has a very full life.

I choose to be a SAHM for my son. If I had more I probably couldn't afford to do that. So my choice is to have a happy, well rounded, cared for child or multiple children that I couldn't give all of those things to.

Besides the fact that me and my DB were as close as could be as teenagers and into adulthood. We're both in our 30s now and hardly speak. So, having a sibling doesn't mean having a lifelong companion. I say teach your child how to be a good friend and how to choose his/her friends wisely and they'll be better off than having a million siblings. For the most part, friends are who we can count on anyway.

 

[Daydreamer64]

Well, I'm the oldest of 18 ( adopted ) kids and DH is an only- we're both brats! We're both used to getting our way and it took a while until we learned the art of "taking turns"! My Dh said that he was lonley when he was little and all I could think about was having my own space- so no way is better then the other.

My two oldest are two years apart- it was great until just about a year ago when puberty started to hit. Now they fight all the time. Not to mention- I always had to play even-stephens- if one got something or some time form me then the other one had to be treated fairly too. They are very competative in all areas of their life- this can be good or it can be bad depending on the situation. They share a bedroom and that has only gotten us more trouble. They would fight to the death to defend or protect each other but they are their own worst enimies too. I'm hoping that when the hormones settle down in a few years, they will be back to being each other's best buddies.

As you can see from my sigi- I had a surprise baby at 41 years old! I keep getting the questions of "You are going to have another so Ben has a sibling around his age aren't you?" Or the one that I really hate the most--"Are you going to try for a girl next time?" *** I LOVE my boys - that question insinuates that boys aren't good enough and that we are missing something by not having a girl to raise. I would take any gender child that we are blessed with but to insinuate that our lives are not complete because we have no girls is silly.

I am now looking at raising what amounts to basically an "only" this second time around as the nearest sibling is aged 10 years older then Ben. Both of my older boys love Ben to death and are very helpful. They don't see him as another sibling but almost like their own baby/pet . I am so looking forward to raising an "only"-enjoying my child instead of worrying about all the evens and so on- also, if he gets sick there's no dividing of time or sharing me with his brothers. He will have his own bedroom, as will each of my older boys- we are enclosing the garage. maybe that will cut down on the fussing.

So, from both sides of the discussion- I've learned the art of major negotiation, multi-tasking and surviving on no sleep when both were sick at the same time with the flu and have enjoyed the experience of having more then one and will benefit from only having one little one to spoil in the near future. By the time both big boys are in college Ben will only be 8 years old. There's one thing about it though- Ben will always have big brothers watching out for him.

 

[Merriwind]

Another happy family of three here. Although I had a very difficult pregnancy (migraines, all-day sickness until month 7) and delivery (broken rib), I had no trouble getting pregnant. Thankfully, we just started thinking about it and BAM, I was pregnant. So, while we probably could have had more, we chose not to. Every once in a while when DD8 was little, we'd mention it and say, "no." By the time she was four, we stopped mentioning it. Why tempt fate; she is perfect.

DD has no interest in having a sibling, never has. She has friends and is a very bright, confident child, although is sometimes maybe is a little too grown-up for her peers in the way she speaks or choices she makes. Her favorite food, for example, is seared tuna and that gets some raised eyebrows and wrinkled noses. She has just grown-up in an adult world. It will balance out as she and her classmates/friends get older. She is the center of our world and none of us would have it any other way. She is planning to live with us or next-door forever--and I'm all for it. We are super-close and I love her and our relationship so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love some of the comebacks I've read here, although people have pretty much stopped asking. DH is well into his 40s, travels extensively and has had some health issues. A few years ago though, whew! My own Dsis asked when she was pregnant with her second (in 15 months). When I told her we were done, she told me, "we don't believe in only children." I didn't realize it was a religion!

Oh well, glad to hear the tales of all the onlies and only families out there. I will admit to concern for when DH and I are older. That is the only issue to give me pause. Luckily, DD has 7 first cousins and we are close to them all. Most are older and I hope that will be her support system when that time comes.

 

[Mono~rail]

DD13 was an only until she was 8 when her dad and SM had their 1st together. Her dad and I didn't have a healthy relationship, and I wasn't about to bring more kids into it. DD always had friends over. We took her friends or cousins on vacays with us so she would have another kid around. She complained endlessly about being an only. . . now she complains endlessly that her younger siblings are always in her way.

Dh is an only. His parents truly don't like children. They make our twins call them Mr. First name and Ms. First name. Yeah, W*E*I*R*D! I really think Dh enjoyed being an only. He talks about it like it is so wonderful. I can tell you I enjoy him being an only because there are way fewer people to deal with.

Currently, we have the opposite problem. People see our twins and say, "You're done now, huh." Yes, we are, but that is no one's business. And we aren't done because we got "two with one shot." We are done because the twin pregnancy wreaked havoc on my body, and I had to have a hysterectomy following their delivery.

 

[christinadei]

I have a DS6 who is so outgoing. I say that he's never met a stranger and he hasn't. He tells me all the time about his best friend that he just met and most of the time he doesn't even know their name. He just makes friends so easily.

His father decided he didn't want to be a dad and we broke up when I was pregnant. I was fortunate to meed DH when DS was 3 mos and he has raised him. DS does have a step sis 12 and a new half sister by his dad and step mom who is 1. So he has siblings there, just not from me. He is VERY close to his cousin and they act like brothers. My nephew is my sisters only son, 4 and so they are each others family. We get them together for every birthday and holiday. So he's not missing out.

We feel that not having any more kids is the best thing for DS because we both work full time and I go to school, plus he goes to his fathers every other weekend and summers. So I have to work REALLY hard to have enough time with him and I don't want to split that in half (really less) with a new baby. We have family night every other Friday (the weekends he's home) and about once a month we have a mommy/son day. We are able to give him everything he needs and more. With another kid, we would really struggle. We feel that this family size is perfect for us.

the main thing that makes me mad are people who say "doesn't your DH want his OWN kid?" Well, no, he doesn't and and that doesn't make him a bad person. It makes me feel good that he's content with DS as his only child.

 

[belle&beast]

People have opinions and express them openly no matter how many children you have! We have 2 DD5 and DS2.5 and people always assume that now that we have one of each we are set. In reality, yes we are done, but that is nobody's business unless we choose to share it with them. Do what is best for you and your family and don't worry about others' comments, you would get opinions no matter what the size of your family!

 

[suezpqt]

We have to explain why we only have 1 child (DD6) all the time! We knew that we were only going to have 1 when I was pregnant. I am the middle child of 3 and my husband is the baby of 3. The pregnancy was easy, delivery was easy - no problems all the way around. We just knew that there were things that we wanted to be able to do that we didn't feel we would be able to do having another child. Have I been told that it is selfish of us - ABSOLUTELY!! Do we care what others think of our choices - NOT! We are the ones that have to live our lives not anyone else. We have been blessed with a beautiful daughter who can occupy herself quite well. She spends time with her Momma and time with her Dadda and we spend time all together. Sometimes she asks if she can be a Big Sister - we just explain to her that if she had a brother or sister that she would not be able to have what she has and do what she does. Not by anymeans are we "Rich". We live paycheck to paycheck (not quite but feels that way sometimes). But we are rich in the family that we have. Both my husband and myself have lost our fathers - learned quickly that life is too short and we live our lives with that in mind. We live for the day and live for having fun. That is what our daughter will remember - the family that she has.

We don't feel by any way that we have done a disservice to our daughter by only having her. I am sure that there are people out there that will and if you have children that is why I am sure that you have more than 1. Please remember that everyone is entitled to their own lives and their own decisions. Those are left up to us. Thanks for reading.

 

[tigerdragon]

Another mother of a only child here. It's funny, I come from a family of myself and 4 other siblings. My 2 sisters and I each only have 1 child and we don't intend on having any more. My older brother decided in his early 20's that he didn't want children and never had any. My younger brother has 3 children but only 1 of them is his biological child. The other 2 were his wife's and he adopted them when they got married. You would think since we all came from such a large family that we would want a lot of kids but that isn't the case at all.

My ds (almost 6) has asked occasionally if he will ever have a sibling, and for a while we thought about it but have decided not to. Now I don't think he wants a sibling around because whenever his 1 year old cousin visits she gets into all his toys and it irritates him.

We get our fair share of people asking when we are going to have another one but we say ds is all we are having and they usually drop it. We're quite happy with the size of our family.

 

[KristinU]

Ooh, can I join the posse?

I'm an only and we have an only - three is the magic number for us.

DH and I actually spent the first 9 years of our marriage defending our choice to be child-free. Actually, people did stop asking after about 5 years or so. Then when we did decide that we wanted a child we chose adoption as a way to add to our family (I always considered DH and I to be a family, with or without a child). I'm sure that since we're an adoptive family there are a lot of people who thought that our stance in not wanting children was just a cover and that we had been trying for 10 years...but nobody has ever said anything. (Well, we did try for a little while, nowhere near 10 years, but followed our hearts when it wasn't getting us anywhere)

To be honest, we haven't had too many comments - yet at least (DS is 2.5), and maybe that's because we're an adoptive family and not biological...but it could be because of our no-kids previous stance. I know my parents got a lot of flack, especially from her brother and SIL since their oldest of 4 died young...but that always seemed so wrong to me - have more in case one dies?!?!?

Someone mentioned the "thick skinned" (or lack of) aspect of no siblings, but my dad goofed around with me a lot - and as I got older we teamed up on my mom (still do! she's very pick-able ) So I think it all depends on the family dynamic.

To the folks who would like more but biology is getting in the way...I just want to plug adoption as a wonderful option. There are so many options to adoption, and there are a lot of assumptions and generalizations floating around that might keep people from fully exploring it as an option for their family.

Oh, and growing up I was never lonely, but I was very outgoing and always had a really great church family. I also had a canine sibling, which may have made a difference as well.