OT: Only Children - Need Input

[Nina1]

It's amazing how we can easily forget that so many of us have our own disappointments and struggles and that very rarely is the grass greener.

For everyone who lost a pregnancy or with fertility struggles you are in my heart. Your life is changed forever and though time can heal, the sorrow or pain never goes away. You wonder sometimes how there can be so many people walking this planet after experiencing first hand all that can go wrong with a pregnancy - it's seems more can go wrong than right - life truly is a special miracle.

Many of you advised not to have a 2nd child just to give my son a sibling - and that is good advice which I agree with. Especially if I'm thinking of adoption - the last thing I want is for an adopted child to think they were ony adopted to be a playmate to my bilogical child. That is SO wrong.

I always wanted at least 2 children - maybe 3. I love kids and when DH and I got married we discussed having 2. It's just that life takes us down roads we never dreamed of. And my age is a big consideration here - I'm 46 now and with every minute my eggs are getting older!

LORLI: I know the frustration of trying to adopt thru social services here in US. DH and I went to a couple of meetings to learn more about adoption in US and they were a big eye opener. They care more about foster parents then adoptive and the primary focus is reuniting kids with biological parents no matter how screwed up the parents are. This leads to a system where kids are stuck in foster care for years while biological parents take advantage and by the time they are put up for adoption they have so many emotional scars. I heard some horror stories at these meetings and quickly realized that foreign adoption was a better way to go.

DISNEYBRIDETOBE: Where are you staying? We'll be at BWV - we rented points from our friends who are DVC members. We got a 2-bedoom villa at a great price. My sister is joining us - she is my Disney buddy and I couldn't see taking my son for the first time without her. Being at a DVC I can't get free dining, but I saved more than that on the room. I think I finally got all my ADRS settled (made a few changes here and there). I have a charater breakfast every morning! I know it's overkill, but DH loves Disney characters and I think it will be so much fun for him (plus I like them too!). I expect it to be hot and humid. So far the summerher in NY has been very hot and humid, so I figure it will get me prepared! I'm hoping the crowds will be as low as they were the last 2 times I went this week. (they were both before free dining, but I still think it won't be crowded).
Less then 8 weeks to go!! I can hardly wait!!!

Thanks again everyone for your encouraging and helpful responses. As the old saying goes - when life gives you lemons - make lemonade. And whether my son is an only child or night, DH and I will always work at giving him the best life possible.

Amen! I've been off the boards since yesterday, but I stopped to catch up with you. Just wanted to say God bless and to say I think your son is a very lucky little boy to have such a thoughtful and loving mommy. Have a wonderful trip. Pixie dust and baby dust to you!

 

[maddiesdaddy]

Hi there. Clearly, I am late to this discussion but I come from both sides of it. I have a younger brother, but I am a father to my only daughter. I am divorced at 34 and recent dating history has shown me that my daughter will likely be an only child..at least from my point of view..who knows about my ex.

Anyway, having a brother..we didn't have an incredible bond like some of the posts I have read on here. Regardless of the number of years between us, we just were 2 different kids, had different priorities, groups of friends, etc. As we have gotten older, I feel like I missed out on those days and although we are closer, we are not 'super close'.

My daughter is 4 and will more likely than not, be an only child. Like the first responder said, she gets a lot of benefit but is not spoiled. I feel like I can do a lot with her and saving for college seems like a breeze for one kid. That being said, at some point, I wanted a 2nd child but that wasn't in whatever plan is out there for me.

You have gotten some varying opinions on all sides, but nobody's right answer for them is your right answer. You and your DH have to decide it together as a family for the finances, for the health of your entire family. Like most things in life, there are pros and cons to everything, you just not to prioritize those pros and cons.

And, like everyone has said, I am sorry, so sorry for your losses. At times, I fail to understand how somone so wanting and loving for children can have trouble while people who want nothing to do with children continue to procreate. I have a hard time understanding those things sometime and my thoughts and continual prayers are with you and your family.

Good luck.

 

[Jill2150]

I am 29 and an only child. My parents divorced when I was 2 (both of which I am very close with ) I always had a lot of friends and never had that spoiled mentality( although I did get a lot of gifts for holidays, etc since my parents were divorced). Now that I am older, my only thoughts are, when my parents are older and need assistance, funerals, etc, it will be only be me to handle them. My grandma was an only child and then she turned around and had 6 kids as she I guess didn't like it. . I liked it, but again, the thought of doing everything "alone" scares me. Like previous posters said though, no guarantee if I had a bro or sis, they would even help out with things like that. A lot of people have "dud" siblings if you know what I mean. I was never hackled as a kid or anything and most people meet me and never even would guess until well after i know them and it comes up in coversation. I am married now and and have 1 DD. I would just stick with 1 based on everything you have been through. Hope all these posts help.

 

[melancholywings]

I grew up with a little brother and always wanted two kids. But after DD was born I was diagnoised with graves. Once that was under control it seemed like it was never the right time to try for another. Now DD is 7 and I'm accepting that she'll be an only. DD doesn't mind, she was never one of those kids that asked for a sibling. She enjoys having both of us to herself, and we love being a family of 3. (3 is a magic number is one of our favorite songs).
I think in some ways it can be hard, DD doesn't understand how to argue or fight with other kids (things you'd learn with a sibbling), she relies on us a lot to be her playmates. But with only one we can afford to travel with her - and she has a huge love of traveling more than either of us. We'll also be able to help her with college.
What helped me come to the terms of only having one is planning fun and amazing things we could afford to do with the one. And watching her enjoy them.

 

[PaulaSue]

Dh and I are onlies. He loved it and I hated it. Now our kids are spoiled by both sets of GPs but I feel they are missing out on family stuff (Aunts, Uncles and cousins) like we both were growing up.

Nothing is perfect but they don't "know" the difference. That is why Dh and I had our girls so close together and tried for a bigger than 2 kid family. You have to do what is right for you and not worry about it.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer about 15 months ago. We've had many days of appointments, doctors, specialists, tests, results, surgery, recovery, joy, tears, setbacks, highs and lows during the past year. For the most part, I was alone with my parents for these events, or had only my husband by my side. I made and received the obligitory phone calls with the other 2, but for the most part I was on my own.
Before that happened, I used to think that I would not want my son to be alone to deal with us as ill or aging parents (I was 35 when I had him, so no spring chicken ) but I have now come to realize that even in circumstances like that, there are no guarantees that the people that SHOULD be there will actually be there.

Wow. This is a very familiar scenario!

I am the eldest of 3. My middle sister is 10 years younger, my "baby" sister is 21 years younger. I have virtually no relationship with either of them. I never wanted siblings. I was NOT happy when the middle one came along. I got married the year the last one was born - we have never lived in the same house. Our father was not a nice guy. He died 2 years ago. His death didn't change my relationship with my sisters.

DH is adopted and he is an only child. It was HARD when his mom passed away and we were left to figure out how to care for his dad. We were in our early 20's and his dad was almost 80. Not fun. FIL died the week before DS was born, which was about 3.5 years after MIL died.

Our DS is an only. We wanted it that way. We never wanted more than one. He is 12 and he will tell you he doesn't want siblings. There are times when he is bored, but I don't think he is lonely.

My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in March. I flew up twice before her surgery and once the week of. I cancelled my flight home from the third trip because she ended up back in the hospital. I had to advocate for Mom medically, and I had to keep an eye on my 16 year old sister. The middle sister was nowhere to be found. Of course. The middle sister showed up last weekend, unannounced, with her 2 toddlers. She had Mom play hostess all weekend, then she took her kids and went home. Perfect.

Mom will start chemo in the next few weeks, right as I am leaving for WDW with DS & DH. If something goes wrong I will be the one changing plans, cancelling flights, and rushing to be there. My aunt recently made the comment that even though she is one of 5 kids ALL of the care for my Nana (my father's mom) fell to her. My mom is one of 4 kids, and ALL of the care for Grandma fell on the eldest sister. My mom wanted to help but we lived too far away for her to do much. Grandma had Alzheimer's and couldn't come stay with us because she needed a familiar environment.

I personally think siblings are overrated, but that's because of my own experiences.

OP - Good luck with your decisions!

 

[prettyprincessbelle]

I'm a little late on this thread too, but I wanted to add my 2 cents.

I'm an only child. My parents married right after my Mom graduated high school (my Dad is 2 years older). They were married for about 2 years and during those 2 years my Mom tried having children but had several miscarriages. They divorced and remained divorced for 10 years. They never remarried or had other children during those 10 years. One day my Mom saw my grandmother (my Dad's Mom) at the grocery store and my grandma told my Mom she would tell my Dad to call her. Well he ended up at her house and they fell back in love and started dating again. They got married and 2 years later (my Mom was 29 when I was born) had me! My Mom tried many times to have other children but kept having miscarriages.

When I was a kid, I never really thought "man, I hate being an only child". I wasn't spoiled rotten, but I was spoiled with a lot of love and attention. I do wish I had siblings now though. I would love to have someone else to share things with, like a brother or sister. I see my DBF with his 2 brothers and older sister everyday and inside I am a little jealous. God willing I hope to have more than 1 child so they can have what I didn't.

As PPs mention, it does scare me thinking I do have to tackle things with my parents getting old by myself.

Another thing, sometimes I wished I had another siblings so that my parents had other kids to worry about and not me. They thought I was so bad! Please!

OP, I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide.

 

[Melissa]

My dd is an only she is 10 and she has never wanted a sibling, she knows she has it good. She has all of our time and resources. It's all about her, and while that's good, it is also bad. Even though she is a good kid and we try not to let her be spoiled, she doesn't have to share the love or attention with anyone else and so there are times when I wonder if she would be a more thoughtful person if she had a sister or a brother. She does have a cousin she is very close to and I like to think that they will have that sister bond as adults. The cousin ( my sisters dd) has a brother but he is severely autistic and so they really don't have much connection. Really my dd is the only" sibling" she will have. I guess my point is even if you have another it doesn't mean they will be close. It is a hard decision I feel for me I am best suited to one child and since that is good with her, I have mostly let it go.

 

[LovinPooh]

Good luck to your moms, jackskellingtonsgirl and mom2areredhead.

 

[Brer Shay]

I am an only child. I never wanted anything different as a child and even as an adult, wouldn't want it any different. I am very close to my parents. My mom is one of my best friends (along with DH) and I treasure conversations with my dad too. Every sibling set I knew as a child fought - alot, over everything and nothing. Since I have 3 of my own now, I realize that it's common, but it adds a great deal of tension to a household. My house was always calm and peaceful and I loved it. Even as an adult, there is only one sibling set I know that has made me think, for a moment, it might be nice to have a sibling.

As an only, I didn't have to share my parents attention (if I needed their time/advice/conversation, it was all mine) and they were able to be involved in my life (and know who my friends were/what they did) at a level they couldn't have been if I had siblings. I was not "spoiled" with having all my wants met or extras that my friends didn't get. There were many rules and I learned the value of work (no one to share chores with )and family and loyalty and love. I never felt that mom or dad liked someone else more or that I had to compete with someone else to be loved.

I lived in a neighborhood where there were lots of kids, so I there were often playmates around, but I also had a very developed imagination. I also became an avid reader and pet lover. As I got older, I also partcipated in team sports which is great for kids whether there are siblings or not.

I am a positive, independent, happy and responsible person. I think it was great being an only child. I think my parents are phenomenal and I always wanted to be the kind of mom my mom was. I've realized that since I have three children, it is not possible. I love all of them, but my parenting ability is lower because I have to divide time and attention. (Getting pregnant was a little too easy for us.)

BTW - DH is one of seven kids and while they are all friendly with one another and definitely a "family bond" they're not close to each other for any reason other than the blood connection. He is closer to my parents than anyone in his family (and we're not that close geographically).

Don't feel that you are deprieving your child by not giving them a sibling, there are other benefits they can receive!

 

[mom2aredhead]

Mom will start chemo in the next few weeks, right as I am leaving for WDW with DS & DH. If something goes wrong I will be the one changing plans, cancelling flights, and rushing to be there. My aunt recently made the comment that even though she is one of 5 kids ALL of the care for my Nana (my father's mom) fell to her. My mom is one of 4 kids, and ALL of the care for Grandma fell on the eldest sister. My mom wanted to help but we lived too far away for her to do much. Grandma had Alzheimer's and couldn't come stay with us because she needed a familiar environment.

I personally think siblings are overrated, but that's because of my own experiences.

OP - Good luck with your decisions!

I know exactly how you feel! My mom got her diagnosis late April last year. I had a WDW trip planned for mid-May, leaving on, of all days, Mother's Day. How I AGONIZED about that trip! My husband told me to do whatever I felt I needed to do - and if it meant cancelling and losing $$, so be it. My dad told me to go and try to put everything out of our minds for the week, which just seemed selfish on my part since I knew what my mom would be going through mentally and emotionally. I felt terrible about leaving her on Mother's day since my sis lives so far away and my brother is a complete flake.
But mom was the one that finally convinced me to go. She was just diagnosed, so there was not even any "treatment" starting at that point. She promised that she would schedule any important appointments before I left or wait until I got back if at all possible. In return I promised her to go visit Mickey Mouse with my son and create some fabulous memories with him. If she was having surgery (which she had later that summer) or was starting treatments, I probably wouldn't have gone. I honestly don't think the other 2 would have given it a second thought, especially since they knew I would be around to pick up the slack.
Maybe it's because we're the oldest .

As it turned out, my brother and sis-in-law decided to make a special guest appearance at my parent's house that mother's day because they found out that I wasn't going to be around and she'd be alone. A few months later my brother and sister got in a heated arguement and he had the nerve to say to her "Thank God we were around on Mother's Day or Mom would have been all alone". Oh yes...we're so grateful. And the days she had tests, specialist appointments, or jsut felt down and needed some company..oh wait, that was me.

To you and your Mom. Hope all goes well and she gets good news after her treatments. And an extra for you, your husband and son for being strong.

Good luck to your moms, jackskellingtonsgirl and mom2areredhead.

Thank you!

 

[Wendybird55]

First of all - all my best to jackskellingtonsgirl and
mom2aredhead - I hope everything goes well for your moms. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you.

MADDIESDADDY: Thanks so much for your input. It's great to hear from a fathers perspective. I know it's ultimately my and DHs decision as to what to do, but sometimes I feel these decisions are made for me as I have no control over nature...And don't give up yet on the dating scene. It took awhile, but DH and I found eachother are very happy we did.

PRETTYPRINCESSBELLE: That's a neat story about your parents..I guess tru love does stand the test of time..and distance...

MELANCHOLYWINGS: All my best to you and your family. It's great that your DD loves to travel and that you can enjoy taking her to new places.

JILL2150: You expressed some of the concerns I have for my son being an only child..especially since we had him later in life I worry about him having the burden of
"taking care of us" when we get older. But then that gives me more reason to try to be healthy and take care of myself. But then I also thought - you're not alone - you have your DH and DD now and they will be there for you when you need the help and support.

BRERSHAY: You're post put a smile on my face...it's exactly what I wanted to hear..you sound like a wonderful, happy person and if my son can say and feel the same as you when he gets older that will make me happy too. Thanks for your input!

Well, lunch break is almost over and I should get back to work.
Thanks again for everyone's input..have a Zip-a-de-do-dah day!

 

[DevilDuckie]

Have another child - biological, foster, or adopted - becuase YOU and YOUR SPOUSE WANT another child. Not so your child has a playmate or friend for life because it may not work out that way and you'll be disappointed.

Amen, sister!

Give birth to individuals, not adjuncts. Have "a baby", not "a sibling" or "a grandchild" for someone else.

We are trying for our second. My son is 10 and there will be a big enough gap to let each child have some solo time as well as sibling time.

I am not having a sibling for him, another grandchild for my mom or (as one moron put it) "a real" child for my husband.*** Many lovely, happy, charming people grow up as only children. OP, given your history and age I would be really worried about the safety of having another one "the old fashioned way." Take care of yourself.



***HusbandMan let that jerk have it both barrels. Rule 17 for a happy life- never EVER suggest to my husband that lack of biology somehow makes my firstborn any less his "real" child.

 

[DevilDuckie]

I personally think siblings are overrated

If that doesn't get "tagged" there is no justice in the world. None.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Good luck to your moms, jackskellingtonsgirl and mom2areredhead.

Thank you!

Mom2aredhead - I hear you! Trying to find a balance between Mom and DH & DS is hard. I was telling my boss that I feel guilty about going on this trip. She said this trip has nothing to do with my mom or her treatments or anything else. If Mom has an emergency then I will fly up there, from home or from WDW. Otherwise, I will go on my trip and I will enjoy the time with DH & DS because cancelling our trip punishes DS. Sitting at home worrying about his Grandma won't make anything better for anybody.

My middle sister has apparently said she and her toddlers will come back to Mom's in August. Ironically, they will be there while I am at WDW. If they run Mom so ragged that she ends up in the hospital, they will go back home and I will have to leave DS and DH at WDW and go pick up the pieces. I spoke to the oncologist yesterday. If everything goes as planned they will start Mom's chemo next week, which is 2 weeks before my trip. At least she will have her first (and maybe even her second) infusion finished before I leave so maybe I will feel better about going.

In this particular situation I REALLY wish I was the only one. It would make thing SO much easier. Mom by herself gives me enough worry without having to stress over the damage control I will have supply after my sister has blown through.
I hope your mom is doing well now! Being the Responsible One kind of sucks, doesn't it?

Wendybird55 - I hope whatever you decide that your decision brings you peace. Sorry for hijacking your thread!

 

[*pixie*dust*]

I'm hoping I can get some honest insights from people who are only children or who are parents of an only child.

To try and make it brief, DH and I got married at an older age (40 - 1st marriage for both). We wanted to start a family immediately. I lost my first 3 pregnancies (2 were ectopic, the other I lost the baby at 12 weeks). My fourth pregnancy resulted in my beautiful son who is now 21 months.
I was pregnant 4 times within 1 1/2 yrs. It took a big toll on my body and emotions.

I always wanted at least 2 children. I have a sister and we are very close - she is my best friend. It was wonderful growing up with a sibling and I want the same for my son. I lost my 4th pregnancyd about a month and a half before my son's first birthday. After that loss I needed to take time off from trying to have a child. I wanted to enjoy time with my son and not have to go through the possibilities of another loss. Then we booked our trip to Disney for this Sept. and we are looking so forward to it. I am afraid to try again before the trip because I don't want anything to ruin my son's first trip to Disney.

So here I am getting older and enjoying myself with my son and husband. But there is always this nagging feeling I have that I want to give my son a sibling. I just think that as he grows older he will have a playmate and hopefully best friend for life. But DH is concerend about trying for another afraid of what another loss will do to me - he was the one in the waiting room while I was having the surgeries and D&C's and such from my previous losses.

Part of me agrees with him and I know as I am older the chances of birth defects is greater and I can never terminate a pregnancy so I won't have an amnio.

Adoption is definately an option for us as we looked into it after our 2nd loss, plus I would probably want to adopt an older child between 2-5 yrs. But adoption is very expensive - $30,000-$40,000 so we really need to look into it further.

So right now I'm trying to come to grip with the possibility of my son being an only child. He has 2 cousins, but still being an older parent I worry about him being alone.
I would love to hear from people who are only children or who are parents of only children - I know only children can have very happy and wonderful lives - a dear friend of mine is an only child and had a wonderful childhood.
I guess right now I can only see it from the perspective of someone with a sibling and I know there is another side to the coin with many wonderful things I haven't thought of or can't see right now.

Thanks so much for your help/

If you are interested in adopting a Toddler, oftentimes the fees are MUCH less that the $30-40K you quoted, especially if you are open to minor, correctable medical conditions. My son came home at 20 months and fees were a fraction of that total.

 

[MusiqChic99]

I am 26 years old..almost 27 and I have a wonderful 2 year old son. Being pregnant almost killed me...literally. After a rough C-section and complications after birth I was just happy to be alive and have a healthy little boy. Then 6 months later I started having more problems which eventually ended in me having a hysterectomy.

A part of me is sad that I will never have another child especially since I love my little boy more then anything in the world. It's the best feeling to be a mommy. However I am more healthy then I have ever been and I am happy that I can be around to take care of my son.

I guess I really didn't have a choice in the matter but I'm happy with just my 1 little boy and him being an only child.

In the end it's your choice and you shouldn't feel bad for choosing to have only 1 child if that is what you do.

Good luck to you and God Bless.

 

[mom2aredhead]

Thank you!

I hope your mom is doing well now! Being the Responsible One kind of sucks, doesn't it?

Wendybird55 - I hope whatever you decide that your decision brings you peace. Sorry for hijacking your thread!

Thanks - Mom's doing well for now. Operative words being "for now". Her diagnosis was Stage IV but her counts are way down and she feels better than she ever has. They never say "remission" when dealing with Stage IV, but she couldn't possibly be doing any better than she is given her diagnosis. I hope that your mother's situation is similar in that they find treatment that she responds to as well. Sometimes it's almost like "trial and error", so don't become frustrated if the first thing they try doesn't work...there are lots of new medications and treatment options so I'm sure they'll find something that works well for her.

And yes, I totally agree that being "the responsible one" completely stinks! I think it has to do with us being the oldest.

Wendybird55, I'm very sorry too. Seems like me and jackskellingtonsgirl have been using your thread as a dumping ground for what we're going through. But as you can see, I'm a complete stranger online and I can empathize and understand exactly what she's going through more than either of our siblings do. I promise to stay on topic from now on.

I think that the most important thing is to make sure your son is active and involved in lots of things where he can make friends - sports, school activities, church groups, whatever you can handle time/schedule/money permitting. The stigma of only children being lonely has to do with people picturing them sitting alone in their rooms with a board game requiring 2 players and no one to play it with. Instead, picture your son on a soccer field with lots of other kids, running around at a birthday party for his best friend, or bringing his cousins on vacation with you so he has the benefit of their company, and you have the benefit of giving them back! Think about the time you and your husband can spend with him one on one with him helping with homework, teaching him how to swim, or just spending quiet time together. And if you're still feeling bad, go back and read what Brer Shay put in her post...sums it up pretty well for me.

 

[Wendybird55]

MOM2AREDHEAD & JACKSKELLINGTONS GIRL...
Please dont' apologize at all for posting about your mothers and all you are delaign with now - that is what these forums are for - support.

I can't imagine what the 2 of you are going through..it must be so difficult to deal with and I wish you and your mothers all the best.

My Aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer about 4 years ago. She waited too long to go to a doctor - she hates going to them...She needed a mastectomy right away and had it. She did not have any reconstructive surgery. She came home with us for a few days and then went home and rested a bit more.

She went to the Dr. maybe 2 or 3 times after the surgery for checkups and tests. Everything looked good. She opted NOT to have any chemo or treatments after the surgery. She went back to her regular, active life, hasn't seen a Dr. since her followup exams and is going strong and doing well. My aunt is a very independent woman and this is how she chooses to live her life. Of course we're all concerned that the cancer may show up again, but who knows the masectomy may have gotten it all and that's it! It's so hard to say...We're just all thankful she is doing well and living her life as she wants.


*PIXIE*DUST*- I sent you a PM.

MUSICCHIQ99: I'm glad to hear you are healthy and feeling better now. As I said before - it's amazing there are so many people on this earth when you realize how much can go wrong with a pregnancy. All my best to you and your family.

 

[*pixie*dust*]

WendyBird, I PM'd you.