OT Need help coming to grips with daughter's unexpected move

[Tiggerlovinggrandma]

I created this post on Dis because I respect the varied opinions of my fellow disers. I know from other posts I have generated I can expect a creative consensus of views both positive and negative which is what I need right now. My feelings are raw and emotional for various reasons so please if you're going to flame, do so lovingly. My world is pretty upsdie down at the moment.

Some history: My daughter is 23, 24 in Oct and has a beautiful 3 yr old son. She and her husband of 3 1/2 yeas are separated and at present involved in a child visitation battle. Their divorce is not final pending the outcome of this. My daughter was the one who after trying marriage counseling filed for divorce citing infidility, abuse, financial and parental personal irresponciblity on the part of her husband.

DD has definitely had a rough and emotionally charged few years (marriage, a baby, enduring husband's verbal, emotional and physical abuse, his affairs, separation, filing for divorce, new apt, job, school, 3 medical crisis and coping with depression). She is presently under a doctor's care for the latter and sees a counselor once a week to try to help her sort this all out.

The present: After failing to make it on her own, she agreed to move back into our home in early January. Since DH and I provide the childcare for our DGS while our daughter is working, at school or appts, the move made the most sense. The intention was to allow her time to get her personal and financial issues together and get back on her feet. We wrote up a list of personal bounderies for all concerned to make living together manageable. We also helped her out financially whenever we could.

Unfortunately however during this time my husband and I developed our own set of issues surrounding my discovery of DH's cheating for the past year. After 28 years of marriage, this news came as quite a blow as you might imagine. At present DH and I are both in personal as well as marriage counseling, trying to figure out where we go from here.

On Monday, DD suddenly announced she can no longer live here citing it is not a "healthy environment" for her nor her son to be in. This is based solely on DH and my current situation. She cites an air of hostility and sadness between her dad and I. She says she has no other issues with us nor our home. After all she has been through with her own husband's affairs and break up of her marriage, she says this was the worse mistake she could have made, moving in with us as we go thur a similar situation. So off she went to to acquire about aid for single mothers than packed up some of her son's things and left. She moved to a friend's house while she looked for an apt. We tried to convince her to wait a few more weeks or months until she was better off financially but she said NO! She called yesterday to tell us she found a place that is $650.00 and 45 minutes away.

After much crying and yes, a heated discussion or two with DH, I can see why she has a problem living here. Living with us, no matter how much we try to keep our issues apart, is probably not the best situation for DD and DGS. This in itself breaks my heart to even say. Nevertheless its not the only issue.

I don't feel DD is able to take care of herself and her son financially right now no matter how much she thinks she can. She has a tendency to hastedly make decisions without thoroughly thinking them thur. I feel this is one of those. She has made up a makeshift budget however she has no savings, no support from ex, makes just $600 a month and even if you add in state aid (food stamps, medicare for son, welfare), I don't think its enough. I feel she will find herself in the same boat she did when she first separated last year. DH and I helped her finacially then with various things and still it didn't end well. This time around DH and I will not be able to lend her any financial aid because our current situation and some major house repairs are eating up our own finances.

I know DD wants to be on her own, to do right by herself and her son. I get that. I understand that she is an adult with adult issues and needs to figure out her own path. I know DH and my current problems are not making our house a pleasant environment for anyone. However I just see this latest decison of hers ending up in another mess. With her low self esteem and feelings of depression added to her problems, I worry if this doesn't work out, it will only add to her issues. I am heartbroken and sad that she feels she had to make this decision so soon. I knew she would eventually move back out but thought we could help her get on her feet better before that happened.

I want to know she and DGS are safe, well and happy. I don't want to have to spend sleepless nights worring especially with all I am presently going through. I don't want my daughter or grandson to go through more heartache than they've already been through. I want to help but my own problems are severely limiting what I can do for her now. How do I learn to accept the decisions she makes, free and clear? How do I learn to let her live her life as she wants, mistakes and all and be OK with it?

I hope someone can help shed some light on things and offer suggestions that can help me accept what is.

Sad, Hearbroken, Worried, Concerned and Overwhelmed!

 

[gr8leg8]

wow that's a lot for anyone to handle.

Here is a big

Can DD find a another single working mom to share an apartment to cut down expenses and share childcare duties?

I hope you and DH can find the best possible solution for all involved.

 

[nmmom95]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this. I wish I could offer advise, but I will keep your family in prayers.

 

[We_love_WDW]

This probably will take some time to accept and you might not ever fully be ok with it. The best thing you can do is let your DD know how much you care for her and your DGS and you understand where she is coming from and that you will always be there for her.

 

[dancin Disney style]

You can't 'learn' to accept your DD's decisions...you just have to. As you stated she is an adult. All you can do for her is support her in the ways that you can. Sounds like right now that would be to just be there emotionally. Be a good listener and offer advice only when asked for it.

I'm sorry that things are so difficult for you and your family right now. Know that most of us go through big things at one time or another....you are not alone.

 

[sunnyday123]

Wow...your family has been through a lot this past year or so.

I do know, speaking from personal experience, no matter how hard you try to hide things, when you're going through what you and your husband are, you can't hide it, no matter how well you think you're doing. And it may be hard for her. I think the best thing you can do is support her, and be there for her and your grandchild. Maybe help her find someplace a little closer? Good luck.

 

[*pixie*dust*]

I am sorry you are hurting right now. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain.

While I know this may be hard to hear, her moving might be best for all of you. You and DH have some major things to work out. DD has relied on the two of you for quite some time. In therapy, it is very likely that she has been encouraged to be more independent so she can prove to herself that she is capable of taking care of herself and her son. Finding strength in being able to take care of yourself is very important for anyone going through loss, facing the uncertainty of supporting a young child alone. This may very well be the way for her to pull herself together, even if she has to struggle financially for a while.

 

[powellrj]

I have been reading your post since you first started posting.

Please don't take this the wrong way, BUT even before your DD had problems in her marriage, I got the feeling you were wayyyyy to involved in her life. You were asking child rearing questions that a parent would be asking not a grandparent.

I am going to make some assumptions. I could be way off, but from your posts I am going to assume we are in the same age bracket, you don't work outside the home and you have always put your family first.

If I am right, I am going offer some advice from one middle aged mom of grown kids to another. Get a life of your own. Its hard. I mean it is really hard. You need to step outside of yourself, develop new interest and make some new friends and stop being available for your family.

I have always worked outside the home, but I never took time to have interests of my own. I had my job and my family. Guess what, I needed more.

I started small. I joined a woman's circle at church. I am still a member of it. I reached out at work and made friends. That was really hard because I work in sales and don't have an office to go to. I now have my work phone buddies who I never see, but we talk daily and they were there for me when I needed friends to talk to.

The biggest change came this year. I got involved in a local civic issue. I attended meetings and did odd jobs as needed. I was asked to serve on an executive board of the issue. I was shocked and amazed to even be asked because these are local movers and shakers and I am just a little middle aged nobody. My family was amazed and they really saw me in another light. It was really one of the first times they were ever really proud of me and saw me as something other than mom.

You are a warm loving compassionate woman. There is a huge need for what you have to offer. Start small. Volunteer at a hospital or maybe a women's shelter. Get outside the house and start making your own friends. Be there for your DD, but don't offer help, only give help and advice when she asks.

Its really hard for women of our age not to step in when we see our kids falling, but sometimes they need the bump to get up and start again.

Hugs to you and good luck.

 

[1stluvispooh]

Sorry you are going through all of this. But I don't see where you have a choice than to accept the fact that your daughter is moving. You must be realistic. She is and adult, she is the parent and if she digs herself a financial hole she will be the one that has to dig herself out otherwise she just repeat the same mistakes over again. I think that she is very brave. She realizes that for her for now living with her parents is not a healthy thing for her. You must realize that it is difficult on 2 levels. 1) Your her parents and your having problems. 2) Your having the same problem that broke up her marriage. Do you think that just because they are not living under your roof that they won't be safe or happy??? If you have sleepless nights it should be about the state of your marriage and not if you DD and DGS are happy.

 

[kpgriswold]

So sorry. This sounds really rough on everyone. I will keep you in my prayers.

Since you asked, here is my 2 cents: every 24 year old, no matter what the circumstances, is going to have some problems living at home. Young adults were meant to have thier own lives apart from us! They want to live how they want to live while we, thier mothers, want them to live how WE want them to live (because we know best, of course). There are enough conflicts in that situation alone to warrent your duaghter moving to her own place.

She is also a single mother now, and thinking of her son first. DGS has already gone through one devastating breakup. He really does not need a front row seat for yours, as this will make him feel even more unstable than he already does. I think she's on the money there, too.

You sound like a loving, caring, supportive mother, and your daughter is lucky to have you. But looking at these facts from an outside point of view, it seems to me that you need to focus most on your marriage and yourself, and let DD focus on her own life for a while. Be supportive, invite her and DGS to Sunday dinner, babysit for him once in a while, offer what financial support you can.

And then LET GO. Send her the message that you think she is competent and capable by allowing her to make her own mistakes while you bite your tongue.

Finally, why is she receiving no $$ support from DGS's father? Even if custody is stillup in the air, if he is living with her and she has no income, he owes her child support. Encourage her to speak to her lawyer!

 

[ShannonMB]

I'm really sorry to hear about all that's happening in such a short time! And you definitely sound like a loving mama/gma who puts family first!

Honestly, I think you should be very proud of your daughter for the move she is making. It is NOT going to be easy for her, obviously, but I think this is the BEST thing for her to do, whether there were problems at your home or not. Your daughter is an adult and a mother, and nothing hits to the core of your self-esteem more than having to be dependent on others to survive (well, other than what she was going through with her ex ). It would be nice if she could take the easier way and get herself in better shape by living with you and DH, but it doesn't always work that way. If she were to stay in the relative comfort of your home, where worry and stress are on the back burner, she may choose to keep that $600 a month job indefinitely. I think being out on her own for a while will show her REAL FAST that she's going to have to do something else if she wants a better future for herself and her son. Poverty and young motherhood can be huge motivators, especially if she is getting help with her depression. This move out on her own may be exactly what she needs to get herself together and make some positive moves for the future.

I think it's WONDERFUL that you want to help her! And you can be a HUGE help to her if say, she decides to go back to school, encouragement, childcare, etc, etc, etc.

I say put your hurt aside and be proud of this young lady. I know lots of people who can't GET their kids that age out of the house! Take the time to work on your own marriage, ITA to get something of your own going, and be there for her when she needs you! Good luck!!

 

[sk!mom]

How do I learn to accept the decisions she makes, free and clear? How do I learn to let her live her life as she wants, mistakes and all and be OK with it?

Wow! I'm so sorry for all that you're going through!



Honestly, your DD is an adult and a parent. It's time for her to stand on her own two feet- kudos to her for taking control of her situation.

You need to work on your own situation and put your energy there. Find yourself some support and get yourself emotionally healthy.


You can't learn to let go- you just have to do it...one day at a time.

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

I have been reading your post since you first started posting.

Please don't take this the wrong way, BUT even before your DD had problems in her marriage, I got the feeling you were wayyyyy to involved in her life. You were asking child rearing questions that a parent would be asking not a grandparent.

I am going to make some assumptions. I could be way off, but from your posts I am going to assume we are in the same age bracket, you don't work outside the home and you have always put your family first.

If I am right, I am going offer some advice from one middle aged mom of grown kids to another. Get a life of your own. Its hard. I mean it is really hard. You need to step outside of yourself, develop new interest and make some new friends and stop being available for your family.

I have always worked outside the home, but I never took time to have interests of my own. I had my job and my family. Guess what, I needed more.

I started small. I joined a woman's circle at church. I am still a member of it. I reached out at work and made friends. That was really hard because I work in sales and don't have an office to go to. I now have my work phone buddies who I never see, but we talk daily and they were there for me when I needed friends to talk to.

The biggest change came this year. I got involved in a local civic issue. I attended meetings and did odd jobs as needed. I was asked to serve on an executive board of the issue. I was shocked and amazed to even be asked because these are local movers and shakers and I am just a little middle aged nobody. My family was amazed and they really saw me in another light. It was really one of the first times they were ever really proud of me and saw me as something other than mom.

You are a warm loving compassionate woman. There is a huge need for what you have to offer. Start small. Volunteer at a hospital or maybe a women's shelter. Get outside the house and start making your own friends. Be there for your DD, but don't offer help, only give help and advice when she asks.

Its really hard for women of our age not to step in when we see our kids falling, but sometimes they need the bump to get up and start again.

Hugs to you and good luck.

This is great advise. I am looking at parts of this for myself because I am near the point of my kids starting their own lives. I am looking forward to developing my own interests. Its hard to let go.

My mother has never let go and it has caused problems and heartache for all involved for many years now. I will be 50 years old in August and there isn't a single conversation that we have that doesn't include something I have done wrong or did wrong. It has been very difficult.

 

[irisesareblue]

Learning to let go of our children and watching them make mistakes is one of the hardest things we do as parents. I agree with the PP - perhaps your daughter's counselor is encouraging her to take responsibility for her own life. Both she and her child will benefit from it - having a tough time financially is not necessarily a bad thing - my kids wore second hand clothing and rode refurbished bicyles - and they are both fine young women who truly appreciate what they have and know that with a good work ethic comes rewards.

When my marriage broke down, my parents wanted me to "move home" - I couldn't do it - I knew that it would not be a healthy environment so I struggled along - now, 20 years later, I am watching my two little girls go out into the world themselves. Hard, but rewarding. I'm offering support from the sidelines of their lives now, no longer the quarterback on the field calling the plays but the cheerleader.

I think our generation (middle aged mammas) find it difficult to let go. Sometimes, we just have to realize that we did the best we could with what we had at the time. Offer your daughter lots of hugs and shower her with love when you see her - she needs unconditional acceptance rather than advice.

I'm not saying this is what is happening, but if we keep busy focusing on other's problems, we're not dealing with your own.

Focus on some self-care and try to mother yourself - bake yourself some cookies and take walks to appreciate the beauty around you. Put on dance music (loud) and dance with your grandson - or just by yourself! Watch Disney movies and eat popcorn! Be good to yourself and things will turn around, even if the situation with your DH doesn't improve. You'll be in a better place emotionally.

Blessings!

 

[badblackpug]

I have been reading your post since you first started posting.

Please don't take this the wrong way, BUT even before your DD had problems in her marriage, I got the feeling you were wayyyyy to involved in her life. You were asking child rearing questions that a parent would be asking not a grandparent.

I am going to make some assumptions. I could be way off, but from your posts I am going to assume we are in the same age bracket, you don't work outside the home and you have always put your family first.

If I am right, I am going offer some advice from one middle aged mom of grown kids to another. Get a life of your own. Its hard. I mean it is really hard. You need to step outside of yourself, develop new interest and make some new friends and stop being available for your family.

I have always worked outside the home, but I never took time to have interests of my own. I had my job and my family. Guess what, I needed more.

I started small. I joined a woman's circle at church. I am still a member of it. I reached out at work and made friends. That was really hard because I work in sales and don't have an office to go to. I now have my work phone buddies who I never see, but we talk daily and they were there for me when I needed friends to talk to.

The biggest change came this year. I got involved in a local civic issue. I attended meetings and did odd jobs as needed. I was asked to serve on an executive board of the issue. I was shocked and amazed to even be asked because these are local movers and shakers and I am just a little middle aged nobody. My family was amazed and they really saw me in another light. It was really one of the first times they were ever really proud of me and saw me as something other than mom.

You are a warm loving compassionate woman. There is a huge need for what you have to offer. Start small. Volunteer at a hospital or maybe a women's shelter. Get outside the house and start making your own friends. Be there for your DD, but don't offer help, only give help and advice when she asks.

Its really hard for women of our age not to step in when we see our kids falling, but sometimes they need the bump to get up and start again.

Hugs to you and good luck.

Excellent advice. I think the PP is right. You are too involved with your daughter and her personal life. It is time to take a step back and concentrate on yourself. She is grown, she needs to learn to fall and land on her own two feet. Really, if you continue to bail her out she will never learn from her mistakes. ...and, honestly, what child, grown or not, wants to be in the middle of her/his parents relationship problems? I think you need to sit down and be honest with your daughter (and I remember from previous posts that your daughter has made a lot of rash and childish decisions) and explain to her that you are financially and emotionally drained, and though it may seem selfish to her, you need to concentrate on yourself for a while. There are lot's of single moms that manage without help from others.

Remember if you don't take care of yourself you are in no shape to take care of anyone else.

 

[celestialred]

My 2 cents here...feel free to tell me if I'm out in left field on any of this...

I believe your dd is reacting to your revelation because it is hitting "too close to home" for her right now, given her own recent history. She's thinking that she doesn't want to expose her ds to men who cheat and lie, be it her soon-to-be-ex as well as her dad. She's hurting from multiple angles now. Maybe she doesn't feel she can trust men right now and feels the need to shelter her ds from it. I hope she is able to address it with her counselor, who as an outside party can give her some good perspective. She also needs to get an attorney so she can get child support coming in from her ex. If she doesn't have money, there are legal aid services she can go to that can assist her at little to no cost.

I also worry that she may not be in the right mindset to care for her son, given what you describe here. Your marital issues aside (and I don't mean to minimize them), have you and your DH thought of taking him in for a while so she can take care of herself and get on her own two feet first? I have close family members that did this recently and it was rough at first but in the end, has worked out well for everyone. I know she may not be crazy about that idea, but it sounds like he's still little enough to not grasp why he can't see his grandpa. He needs stability from somewhere.

I am so sorry you and your family are hurting, and I hope you are able to find some peace.

 

["Cinder" Ella's Mom]

I am sorry for your pain. However, I think your DD did the best thing for her and her son. She left her cheating hubby. You may decide to do the same. For now, I personally would be telling my DH to move out while we figure things out and keep my DD and DGS with you. You need some support too and DGS seems to bring you a lot of joy. 3 1/2 years of marriage or 28...the cheating is still going to hurt a lot. Your DH made the mess. I don't think you have to be the one to suffer.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

I am sorry about the situation with your husband. Right now that needs to be your first priority and doing what is best for you. I understand how hard it is to let you daughter go. My youngest is making her college choice tonight and I am almost in tears thinking about her leaving. I know how hard it is to let your kids go, but I have to and so do you. I also agree to find other things to occupy your time. I recently went back to work and joined a gym to work out in the evenings. We purchased 2 sets of season football tickets to go to games with friends on Friday night and Saturday afternoon. We also get to see our boys at the college games as it is at their school. My daughter will be playing college lacrosse so in the spring we get to travel and watch her play. Perhaps you can set up arranged times with you GDS so you are still part of his life on a regular bases. Having things to look forward to is so important. Good Luck!

 

[vester]

What I am going to say, I say with all love and respect and very gently.

I have a daugther and I love her to the very cells and fiber of my being. At the same time, when she gets older, she will have to learn the consequences of her actions.

I believe (I say this gently) that you are co-dependent on her. Many people misunderstand what that means. It means that you feel obligated to do for someone what they can do for themselves. Now, she may not CHOOSE to make the right decisions, but she CAN make the right decisions (i.e. she is not mentally ********, etc.) and even if she has her own mental issues, she should then realize that and seek counseling for those.

I understand you want to "save" her. But that is exactly what a co-dependent does. They make exuses for the person, or just believe the person incapable, when in fact they truly are capable.

I feel horrible for you. Your daughter, and grandaughter will suffer in the next months and years, and that is the consequence of her decision. Her natural consequence, which she needs to learn.

If she has no savings, and doesnt know how to budget, she needs to learn. She wont learn if you do it for her. She has to realize this all herself. Sadly, many people dont.

well. This time around DH and I will not be able to lend her any financial aid because our current situation and some major house repairs are eating up our own finances.

You said it best, when you said that you and your husband helped her out before, and she got herself right back into the same boat.

If she has depression, etc. then he should get help for that. Staying with you (even if your husband and you were perfectly fine) is a mistake.

That said. You will have sleepless nights. This is your daughter, and you want her to make good decisions. But she is an adult now. And the more you 'save' her, the less she will learn the hard way and fly out of the nest on her own.

My best suggesion to you is to go get cognitive behavioral therapy to help you deal with what is happening in your marriage and with your daughter. I promise if you find a good therapist, it will work wonders and teach you how to let go.

Co-Dependent No More is also a wonderful book.

How do I know all this? I am one.

Vester

 

[vester]

Oh...sorry. One more thing.

You said your mother did this to you. Thats why you are mimicking it to your daughter. Its someting called "family of origin" you can google that if you want, and basically it means that you are re-creating all you know within your own family from what you learned from your famiy growing up. Its all you know, so its what you do. You have to learn something different (cognitive behavioral therapy) to do something different

Ok - thats my two cents. Again, how do I know? Thats my mom too. And me. Hopefully not my daughter though.

Vester