OT Need help coming to grips with daughter's unexpected move

[crisi]

It sounds like your daughter is making the best possible decision for her own mental health - right now your situation is a trigger for her. Since everything - her ability to financially support herself, her ability to parent, her ability to be happy - is dependent on her mental health, she's done the only thing she could do. That was an astoundingly mature decision for her and is a very good sign.

She'll have a tough path. But she is taking care of herself.

 

[Tiggerlovinggrandma]

I have just finished reading the replys to my OP. I want to thank EVERYONE that has replied so far. I won't single any one person out as each of you has in one way or another given me something meaningful to take away and use in my life. You have no idea how helpful and sometimes eye opening your statements have been. Thank you!!

My daughter has located an apt 45 minutes away . Its a 1 1/2 bedrooms, 1 bath. Its nice sized and in a safe, good neighborhood. Dd has went so far to with the local PD to see how safe the area was and whether there were any undesirables living in or near her area. She says she knows this is no guarentee but she is doing all she can. She's also in the process of looking for a better paying job than what she has now. She officially moves in on Friday.

Although she does not wish to live with DH and I any longer due to the conflicts mentioned in my OP, she doesn't however wish to take DGS away from seeing either of us. She has no probliems allowing us to conitnue watching or spending time DGS if we so desire. Depending on her schedule and ours we have agreed to work out an reasonable arrangement with her.

As I originally posting DH and I are in individual therapy as well as marriage counseling. It will take time for us to work through our issues. Whereever that road lends us, we have agreed to continue with therapy for as long as neccessary for the betterment of our family and ourselves. With that said, several of you were it seems, right on with your obsevations of me personally. There are at least 2 issues I will be most definitely working on.

I do have a hard time NOT helping my daughter. I tend towards wanting to step in and save her from all hurt and pain. I don't like to see her struggle or fail. I also have a tendency towars thinking she is not capable of doing the right thing. Though somehow without my help, she will fall, get hurt, feel heartache. She is not stupid or mentally handicap, she is smart and capable. However I need to understand and ACCEPT that this may mean she has to make some mistakes along the way. And that's okay! I need to learn I CAN'T always help her, save her or keep her form harm. She need to make her OWN way! Yes, my current thinking has caused a lot of problems for my daughter and I. I thought I was letting go all this time but I wasn't. I now understand I have much more work to do in this area.

My family aka husband, daughter and grandson are my life. I surround myself with all things family. This was the way it was for my own mother and I see claeraly that this is something I carried into my own life. At some point I gave up on me and devoted myselfentirely to them. Too much of a good things is NEVER any good. I need to get my OWN life. whether that be going back to school, a job, new friends, interests, hobbies, just something for ME! I need to exist OUTSIDE of my family.

My daughter moving out was never a complete cut off from her dad and I. It was simply a right decision for her at this point in time given the circumstances. She will be fine and if she isn't she is competent enough to figure things out. I think that last sentence will be one of my matras for a while. Right now, I have my own set of issues, some major stuff to get straight and my concertration needs to be on that. In truth a lot of hard work lies ahead for each one of us. I will continue to wish my daughter and DGS well and pray they are both safe and happy. I will have to trust that DD will and can make the right decisions for herself and her son. It may mean that I need to learn to bite my tongue but I CAN learn to do that.

If anyone else cares to still comment. I will appreciate anything you have to say. Afterall each of you have already helped me so much. Thank you for your kind words, support and insightful suggestions!!

 

[dizcrazee]

[QUOTE="Cinder" Ella's Mom;36416332] For now, I personally would be telling my DH to move out while we figure things out and keep my DD and DGS with you. [/QUOTE]

That's what I would do too. The whole family shouldn't have to suffer because of a husband's betrayal.

 

[ShannonMB]

Bless your heart. I think you are on the right track. Just remember, just because you are backing off and letting her make her own successes and failures sure doesn't mean you love her or your grandson ANY less! What a thoughtful person you are, and we can all take lessons from your story and the advice you're getting.

Stay strong, you deserve a rich and happy life!

 

[DisneyMomx7]

No answers just wanted to

 

[micheleq]

Hugs!

It sounds like you and your DD are each going thru alot right now. Once you deal with your individual issues, then you can help each other.

And, they are only 45 minutes away, and you still have a strong relationship with DD and DGS.

Here's some perspective on her moving out. We are moving to Michigan from Connecticut this summer. My parents live three blocks away from us now. Soon they will be an 11 hour drive or 2 hour plane ride away. Count your blessings that you are still in close proximity to your family!!!

Good luck to you and your daughter. I agree with crisi, sounds like she is doing the mature thing and taking charge of her own life.

 

[Disneychix]

You have every right to be nervous about your DD moving out and taking your DGS 45 mins away. I too have read your posts since the begining of your DDs ordeal. This just seems like one more rushed decision on her part.
I'm happy that she seems to be moving to a safe neighborhood but who will watch your DGS? Does she have friends or relatives or anyone in this new town 45mins away?
Will this end up with DGS sleeping at your place most of the time anyway, thus you ending up as his primary caregiver?
I understand she wants to get him away from the 'atmosphere' that you have in your house right now but I just feel badly for the little guy. Is anyone getting DGS any help? In 3 years he has gone through a lot.

 

[dancin Disney style]

Sounds to me like you are going in the right direction.....as hard as it may get stay on that path. Stay positive and keep working at it.

 

[bjakmom]

I hear your heartbreak. I have been in a very similar situation with my DD and DGrD for the last 7 years. The 1st 3 years of DGrDs life they lived with DH and I more than not - moving in and out from her abusive (now ex)DH. When they moved out on their own almost 4 years ago she moved into a teeny tiny one room efficiency in a rooming house. It was the first big step on her long road to independence - and I have learned that I don't know what's 'best' for her because I don't know how it will all play out in the future. So the most important lesson I have learned is to stay in the 'present', as in: are they safe, fed, warm, clothed today? not judging her by her past mistakes or worrying about what 'might' happen in the future - just looking at what IS happening (right!) NOW.
My DD has done a terrific job of getting out of her marriage, protecting herself and DGrD from their abuser, setting up an adorable 2 bedroom house, finding a wonderful, challenging job where she shines, and recently (after 3+ years on her own) dating a nice man. So all my sleepless nights were in the end quite useless
I am retired and have always provided all daycare for DGrD(now almost 7) - she is a great joy in our lives. We always continued to keep a room here for her and she always spends one night a week with us, giving DD a little break and giving me a wonderfully close relationship with DGrD and giving DGrD a sense of home here. We limit our financial help to DD to medical/legal emergencies (she was seriously injured last year and had to move home for 2 months since she could not walk, drive or work). We helped her keep her house and she has paid us back. We provide some extras for DGrD a single mom can't such as lessons, vacations etc. It has all worked out well so far for us all - DD has her full independence, DGrD has a loving support system, and DH and I have lots of love in our lives and have learned to let our girls work things out for themselves and treat them with respect and confidence that they will always find the best way for 'them' - not 'us'.
So stay close to your DD and DGrS, giving them your love, support and acceptance and be patient (there have been many bumps in our road, too) - I know how hard it is to watch them struggle, but they will survive their mistakes and do well. And, of course, be good to yourself and get your life back on track. Good luck, you are obviously a very loving mom and grmom.

 

[JennCa]

I will say something my wise mother said to me. She loves me, but she has to love my dad first. She said the relationship between wife and hubby has to be first so that way it can stay strong so she has the strength to love the kids.

You may need to let your daughter know that you love her and that you can not and will not be helping her anymore and hold firm, even though it is going to get worse before it gets better. If you don't want to stick to that, you might want to say that you will only be buying groceries for her and nothing else. Whatever you tell her stick to it. It sounds like she will need some financial support from someone.

Just a little story...my aunt is in her 50's and is still relying on my grandmother because she "can't afford a car", "has credit card debt", etc. She has always been bailed out and now my 90 year old grandma is worried about how her 50 something year old daughter will learn to take care of herself. She should have learned this before! it is such a shame, but she has always interceded and it is not good.

That said, I think it would be hard to go cold turkey too, getting lots of support to none at all. You have to figure out what you and your hubby want to do.



Jenn