OT - Need Advice

[septbride2002]

I don't like our Community Board so I thought I would ask for help here:

I get an email from my cousin, actually she is my 2nd cousin but we are the same age. I have 3 2nd cousins that I grew up with. One got married a year before I did - I wasn't able to attend her bridal shower but did send a gift. I did make it to the wedding. My other cousin got married the same year I did before me. I had to go OUT OF TOWN for her wedding and gave a gift. My wedding showers come along - none of my cousins show up, send a card, a gift, or even call me! Then the wedding they all RSVP'd that they would be there but none of them showed up again, card, gift, or phone call. Obviously my feelings were hurt. Not because I didn't get a gift but because they basically ignored me after I had been there for them.

The one had a baby last month - I did not attend the baby shower. Plus in a very tacky display they invited my Mom who divorced from my Dad 3 years ago (all three cousins are on my Dad's side)

Anyway back to the email - the 3rd one is getting married this year and is emailing me to get my address because she wants to invite me to her Bridal Shower and she really hopes I can make it. I am considering this response to her:

"Dear X,
Congratulations on being engaged! I'm sure you have been very busy with the wedding plans.

I have to be honest and let you know that my feelings are still very hurt that you and your sister were not able to attend neither my bridal shower or my wedding day. I always thought that although we lived far apart that we were close. I was looking forward to celebrating something special with the cousins that I grew up with. I can't described how hurt I was that you guys didn't come, or even send a card to acknowledge my wedding. Especially since you both RSVP to both events that you would be there.

My address is XXXXX

Love,
Amanda

 

[Disfan1]

No advice just

 

[ZerasPride]

Amanda, first {{{hugs}}} to you! Sometimes people can be so thoughtless in what they do. I think we don't realize sometimes how we hurt one another, especially when it comes from someone we are supposed to love - like a family member.

I'm afraid to give you advice because I would hate to see the rift between you and your relatives get any bigger. I do want to support you though. You have to say what you will be comfortable with. I too would be so hurt if my cousins did something like this to me and then turn around and expect me to be supportive of them! Obviously your cousins have some unresolved feelings stemming from your not being able to attend their events. Too bad you weren't able to address it with them as it happened because I would hate for you to seem like someone that's petty (I'm not calling you petty, I'm just saying how it may look to them now) and holding a grudge.

Again, hugs to you! I know I'm not helping you make this decision at all but I want you to know that I'm here for you!!!

 

[septbride2002]

Obviously your cousins have some unresolved feelings stemming from your not being able to attend their events.

Hi Lisa,
let me explain - the only event I missed was one of their bridal showers. I already had plans that day for my own wedding (dress shopping) and couldn't rearrange them. I called my cousin and explained the situation and did send along a very lovely gift.

Otherwise I made the other one's wedding shower and both of their weddings (including the one out of town). After they skipped out on my wedding I decided (rather childishly) that I was going to not attend their events. Which is why I didn't attend my one cousin's brial shower.

I've decided that it is a childish way to be and that is why I am sending the email. They really did hurt my feelings regarding their pure dismissal of my event. And I decided that I want them to know about - yes I guess it could be considered holding a grudge but it really isn't a grudge as much as just wanting to hear "I'm sorry!" As far as I'm concerned all if forgiven at that point. My feeling will still be hurt but I will forgive.

~Amanda

 

[ZerasPride]

I understand the situation better now. I'm so sorry to see your feelings hurt like this.

I know you'll figure out the right thing to do so you can preserve the peace and good relations in your family. You seem like such a thoughtful person so I'm sure the thoughtless acts of other people do hurt. I hope you are able to get your point across to them and they are able to move on and leave the past in the past as you have done. Take care!

 

[nancyj_pa]

Hi Amanda,
I think your note is to the point and very honest. If you send it, hopefully your cousin will respond with an explanation and an apology. If not, then I guess things won't be any worse than they are now. At least she'll know that your feelings were very hurt.

Sometimes getting things out in the open is for the best. It doesn't sound spiteful...just stating the facts.

Do whatever you feel is right and let us know.

 

[teachingmykids]

Amanda,

I will never understand why people act the way they do. It's especially hurtful when it's family. This is how I've had to handle some of my relations: Decide if you want to continue the relationship (as it is NOW), knowing it will not change. If you do, then take your cousins lead as to the type of relationship and realize that's their behaviour. They obviously still love you or they wouldn't want you at their events.
If you do NOT want to continue the relationship, then tell them so and why. Do not expect an apology, they probably don't even realize how they have behaved.
Does that make sense?
~~g.