OT:More birthday etiquitte

[imthatgirl]

I have a problem with the fact that this woman was angry last year when people brought siblings but she felt it was ok to bring a family of four to my ds birthday. Also, I have never met her husband before and he sat at the table with the kids eating the pizza. (each child had one parent stay, this is the norm here for a pre-k party) I just thought it was rude.

its different, in the party that happened last year people just showed up with other kids....she ask you...you said yes. if you didnt want her other child there, you should have said no, then she probbaly would have left the other child with her husband. but if the rest of the family were invited, why shouldnt her husband come?
maybe when you send out an invite it should read "little joey and one chaperone" then there wont be confusion later.

 

[mjkacmom]

the only birthday parties my children are invited to that do not invite the whole family are the ones that come from random kids at school. we dont go to those, if my kids arent close to the people im not sending my child or buying a gift. i feel like the people who invite every single person theyve ever come in contact with, they are just looking for more gifts, not interested.ive never once asked to invite my family, my family is alwasy invited as a whole. plus ive never hosted a party where i didnt invute everyone in a family, i dont do those parties at a bowling ally or anyhting, they are way too inpersonal.

i guess im lucky, my kids all get along very well. thyeve never ask to not include everyone.

Oh please - one of the reasons I don't include siblings is because I think mine are sometimes TOO close! Just this morning, ds5 was in tears, because dd7 (along with ds10 and dd12, and DH) are off one a one night rafting/camping trip, and he misses her so much. My kids are close in age, and get along so well, it's a little scary - one big lovefest!

However, if one has a playdate, I don't make everyone play together - let kids play with friends (or have parties with friends) without siblings. We have a strong relationship as a family. However, I want my children to develop strong relationships outside of the family, with JUST their friends.

Do your children get to choose their friends, or are they only friends with the children of your friends? We have both here - parties involving families, and parties involving just kids who met in school, and became friends.

 

[mjkacmom]

its different, in the party that happened last year people just showed up with other kids....she ask you...you said yes. if you didnt want her other child there, you should have said no, then she probbaly would have left the other child with her husband. but if the rest of the family were invited, why shouldnt her husband come?
maybe when you send out an invite it should read "little joey and one chaperone" then there wont be confusion later.

Because the rest of the family WASN'T invited - the rude mom asked if her other child could come, and the OP just assumed that to warrent that rudeness, there was a babysitting issue, and felt put on the spot.

 

[imthatgirl]

Because the rest of the family WASN'T invited - the rude mom asked if her other child could come, and the OP just assumed that to warrent that rudeness, there was a babysitting issue, and felt put on the spot.

once she said yes that the other child could come, she because invited.....and you know what they say about people who assume.

 

[noodleknitter]

However, if one has a playdate, I don't make everyone play together - let kids play with friends (or have parties with friends) without siblings. We have a strong relationship as a family. However, I want my children to develop strong relationships outside of the family, with JUST their friends.

Do your children get to choose their friends, or are they only friends with the children of your friends? We have both here - parties involving families, and parties involving just kids who met in school, and became friends.

I agree. My kids have always made their own friends. I don't have a need to control that aspect of their lives.

The woman in the OP was rude to ask. She was even more rude for not paying for their extras. That takes some balls!

 

[imthatgirl]

Oh please - one of the reasons I don't include siblings is because I think mine are sometimes TOO close! Just this morning, ds5 was in tears, because dd7 (along with ds10 and dd12, and DH) are off one a one night rafting/camping trip, and he misses her so much. My kids are close in age, and get along so well, it's a little scary - one big lovefest!

However, if one has a playdate, I don't make everyone play together - let kids play with friends (or have parties with friends) without siblings. We have a strong relationship as a family. However, I want my children to develop strong relationships outside of the family, with JUST their friends.

Do your children get to choose their friends, or are they only friends with the children of your friends? We have both here - parties involving families, and parties involving just kids who met in school, and became friends.

none of my friends live close to me, unfortunatly, i wish they did. if my children have friends, i become friends with their parents. my children are very invovled with sports and girl scouts...and come this year we will start boyscouts. so i get to spend a lot of time with parents. plus beinga sahm, i do lots of things for those that work, i make myself very accesable to their friends parents. we host adult parties here, no not that ...we play cards and have evening cookouts, and these are the people i have over.
the parties of kids that they dont knwo well, we dont attend, kids that are part of their circle always have large partied where they extend invites to the whole family.
im thinking we just lead very different lives, or at least it seems.

and i never accused you family of not being close, so no need to get deffensive. i just, unlike you, see no need to make them seperate. when they have friends there own age over, i dont make them play together, they just do. and i would never tell the younger kids they cant play with the older kids, it seems everyone is having a good time.

 

[mjkacmom]

none of my friends live close to me, unfortunatly, i wish they did. if my children have friends, i become friends with their parents. my children are very invovled with sports and girl scouts...and come this year we will start boyscouts. so i get to spend a lot of time with parents. plus beinga sahm, i do lots of things for those that work, i make myself very accesable to their friends parents. we host adult parties here, no not that ...we play cards and have evening cookouts, and these are the people i have over.
the parties of kids that they dont knwo well, we dont attend, kids that are part of their circle always have large partied where they extend invites to the whole family.
im thinking we just lead very different lives, or at least it seems.

and i never accused you family of not being close, so no need to get deffensive. i just, unlike you, see no need to make them seperate. when they have friends there own age over, i dont make them play together, they just do. and i would never tell the younger kids they cant play with the older kids, it seems everyone is having a good time.

Things must be different! 99.9% of parties here are held out, just kids. I'm a SAHM (have been for 12 years), and my kids are involved in sports, theatre, dance - for each child, I have so many families I'm friendly with. Ds10 has had the same group of guys he hangs with for years, and we're all friends. Dd12, however, sometimes flits from one group to the next, and with tween girls, friendships can change on a day to day basis. I'm friends with some of her parent's friends, but not all. Not that I don't like them - we just don't socialize. Once she hits JH next year, I can't imagine I'll be hanging out with her friends' parents - we all have our own circles by now, and I'm sure she'll meet new kids.

Even though my kids get along great, I will sometimes tell the little kids to let the big kids play (or in the case of dd12, have some privacy). It depends on the situation.

Once my kids got older, they just wanted slumber parties (and I wouldn't think to invite other families to that! ).

 

[rt2dz]

We don’t invite the whole class, but there are around 250 kids in my son’s grade. I don’t know all the parents. He can’t invite someone just because I don’t know the parents? Despite his playing at recess and sitting next to this child every day at school? I don’t think so. We also don’t invite kids just to invite them. We invite the kids my children see and play with on a regular basis—whether at school, or in the neighborhood, or at cub scouts, or at sports. My kids do have more than 10 friends.

On another note, I can’t imagine forcing my kids to tote around their siblings to each and every one of their activities. How horrible to never have a friend or event to yourself. My kids are fairly close in age, but there are huge differences in an 8yo’s interests and abilities and a 4yo’s. Children deserve to have a life of their own. It helps to foster the independence they need to be well-adjusted adults.

Additionally, we don’t invite kids for the gifts. I could care less if the kids brought a gift. It’s just “stuff” and it is usually worth less than what it costs for me to have the child at the party. If I wanted more “stuff”, I’d skip the party and buy my kid the “stuff”—sometimes much better “stuff”.

Oh, by the way “closed” party means it is the birthday party only, no general public.

 

[TheRatPack]

We must live in a strange part of the world or something LOL When one of my kids gets invited to a party, it's the whole family that gets invited. Our invites always specify to the 'whole *last name* family'.....and usually it's me and the kids, but sometimes my husband tags along. I have been invited to a few parties at those gym, playplaces before, but we ate before we got there and I only took the children (out of my 5) that were the same age as the birthday girl or boy.....even though we were all invited.

We've always invited the whole families to our parties too.

 

[badblackpug]

A lot of schools ask that you invite the whole class if you are passing out invitations in school. It is supposed to spare hurt feelings. My kids have school friends with whose parents I am not close. I kow them, but wouldn't consider them friends. While I know that Brandon ahs a baby sister and Mariah has an older brother I don't know them and wouldn't invite them to a party. They are not my child/children's friends.

 

[imthatgirl]

We don’t invite the whole class, but there are around 250 kids in my son’s grade. I don’t know all the parents. He can’t invite someone just because I don’t know the parents? Despite his playing at recess and sitting next to this child every day at school? I don’t think so. We also don’t invite kids just to invite them. We invite the kids my children see and play with on a regular basis—whether at school, or in the neighborhood, or at cub scouts, or at sports. My kids do have more than 10 friends.

On another note, I can’t imagine forcing my kids to tote around their siblings to each and every one of their activities. How horrible to never have a friend or event to yourself. My kids are fairly close in age, but there are huge differences in an 8yo’s interests and abilities and a 4yo’s. Children deserve to have a life of their own. It helps to foster the independence they need to be well-adjusted adults.

Additionally, we don’t invite kids for the gifts. I could care less if the kids brought a gift. It’s just “stuff” and it is usually worth less than what it costs for me to have the child at the party. If I wanted more “stuff”, I’d skip the party and buy my kid the “stuff”—sometimes much better “stuff”.

Oh, by the way “closed” party means it is the birthday party only, no general public.

you are very good at reading things that werent written. or is it that you just assume, because it helps your case? which ever it is, i dont really care anymore.

 

[imthatgirl]

A lot of schools ask that you invite the whole class if you are passing out invitations in school. It is supposed to spare hurt feelings. My kids have school friends with whose parents I am not close. I kow them, but wouldn't consider them friends. While I know that Brandon ahs a baby sister and Mariah has an older brother I don't know them and wouldn't invite them to a party. They are not my child/children's friends.

our schools have never asked that we invite the whole class, and if they did, i wouldnt.
my children go to a very small school. my daughter has 16 kids in her class and my son next year will have 11. its hard not to know everyone around here.

 

[badblackpug]

Emily Post:

4. “May I bring…”
Don’t even ask! An invitation is extended to the people the hosts want to invite—and no one else.

…a date. Some invitations indicate that you may invite a guest or date (Mr. John Evans and Guest) and when you reply, you should indicate whether you are bringing someone, and convey their name.
…my children. If they were invited, the invitation would have said so.
… my houseguest. It’s best to decline the invitation, stating the reason. This gives your host the option to extend the invitation to your guests, or not.

From Advanced Etiquette:

EXTRA GUESTS
Unless an invitation indicates a guest is included, only the person listed on the invitation is to attend ... Hint, hint: uninvited guests are NOT to attend. As the host, if you welcome a single friend or family member bringing a guest, and do not know that person’s name, add “and Guest” so the primary invited person will know they may extend the invitation on your behalf.

 

[dreamin_disney]

i havent read through all of this but this is why dd is only allowed to invite family and a neighbor kid. We have one child so not sure if parents will stay with their kid and bring siblings , or drop of invited child and thier non invited kids or just drop off the child. I think common sense would be not to expect hostess to pay for non invited kids. If the mother asked to bring the child she should have also said she would pay for her dd. The parent should have paid for their own food if they stayed, thats what i would have done.

Maybe next time put on the invited that the invite is one paid admission to the party -i dunno?

btw- dd has only gone to two classmates party. And i felt comfortable leaving her there. She's been invited to parties of kids i really didnt know their parent and i wasnt sure if the parent would mind if i stayed, since i wouldnt feel comfortable leaving her with people i dont know. Plus parties at chuck E cheese i almost let her go but dh and i were going to go and sit sperately and buy our own food but we had plans. I didnt feel good leaving her there I've seen parties where parent let the kids run wild and no one is watching them, no way would i leave my dd in a situation like that

 

[mjkacmom]

We must live in a strange part of the world or something LOL When one of my kids gets invited to a party, it's the whole family that gets invited. Our invites always specify to the 'whole *last name* family'.....and usually it's me and the kids, but sometimes my husband tags along. I have been invited to a few parties at those gym, playplaces before, but we ate before we got there and I only took the children (out of my 5) that were the same age as the birthday girl or boy.....even though we were all invited.

We've always invited the whole families to our parties too.

LOL - must be a regional thing. It would be really strange to receive a birthday invitation from a classmate for the whole family - I don't know what the reaction would be!

 

[tlbwriter]

I dont leave my little ones at a sitter. I will however gladly pay for my children who were not invited.

But "not invited" means not invited. It doesn't mean "You can come if you're willing to pitch in for the extra pizza and goody bag." If I invited your 5-yr-old to a party, I would be flabbergasted if you assumed it was appropriate to bring your 3- and 2-yr-olds just because you were willing to give me some money toward their expenses. It's not just about the money. It's about the host being able to invite the celebrant's friends. Not "friends and their entourage." I mean, if the party is at Chuck E Cheese and you bring your younger kids and you go off and do your own thing with the little ones, that's great. But if you think you can plop your toddler at the table for my 5-yr-old's party just because you're willing to pay for it? No way.

 

[tlbwriter]

our schools have never asked that we invite the whole class, and if they did, i wouldnt.

My school, and both of the daycares DD has attended, have this policy. It's very common. They don't say you have to invite everyone, no matter what. They say if you are handing out invitations at school that you have to invite your entire class. Not the entire 3rd grade (assuming your school has more than one 3rd grade class), just your class.

 

[imthatgirl]

My school, and both of the daycares DD has attended, have this policy. It's very common. They don't say you have to invite everyone, no matter what. They say if you are handing out invitations at school that you have to invite your entire class. Not the entire 3rd grade (assuming your school has more than one 3rd grade class), just your class.

like i said, ive never seen such a rule, maybe its written somehwere, but ive never actually seen anything like that, or maybe its an unwritten rule that parents would like to be a rule? my daughter does go to school with invites, i dont hand them out she does. but we dont invite the whole class. just those she wishes to invite.

 

[mjkacmom]

like i said, ive never seen such a rule, maybe its written somehwere, but ive never actually seen anything like that, or maybe its an unwritten rule that parents would like to be a rule? my daughter does go to school with invites, i dont hand them out she does. but we dont invite the whole class. just those she wishes to invite.

That would NEVER be allowed in our school! I always invite the class (well, all the girls or all of the boys) from kindy - 2nd, and then they get to pick their good friends (by now, they end up having close friends in other classes, and it can get nuts). However, we either mail the invitations or drive around and hand deliver them.

I've never heard of a school letting a child hand out invitations to only certain kids.

 

[imthatgirl]

That would NEVER be allowed in our school! I always invite the class (well, all the girls or all of the boys) from kindy - 2nd, and then they get to pick their good friends (by now, they end up having close friends in other classes, and it can get nuts). However, we either mail the invitations or drive around and hand deliver them.

I've never heard of a school letting a child hand out invitations to only certain kids.

why would the school have any say it. its not like the teacher announces"ok now mackenzie will hand out her bday invites". she takes them with her, and i would assume gives them out as she sees her friends. ive never heard of a time in class where they do it in front of the entire class. they ahve free time in the morning before they line up, they sit with their own friends ta lunch, play with their friends at recess, etc.
i dont see where the school would even know my daughter had invites with her?