OT:More birthday etiquitte

[lovinpoohbear]

I am the OP and although the other mom and I get together for playdates, the playdates are with the boys only. The daughter goes to a vacation camp during school vacations and that is when our playdates occur. The other mom works full time and so we get together during the weeks that the kids are off.
I reread my original post and this is what I forgot to include. This is the same woman that when she had her DS's Birthday last year, complained to me how some of the partygoers were "rude" because some had brought siblings. She got stuck paying the admission for the extra kids.
I guess I am upset that it is "ok" for her to do it but not ok for others to do it to her.
As for saying yes in the first place, I ASSUMED that she didn't have anyone to stay with her daughter. When she showed up with the whole family, I was shocked to say the least.
Did I mention I paid $18 for her extra daughter? The package price included 20 children and when you go over, you have to pay. I also bought 20 loot bags, they are sold in packages of 10. So last minute when she called me if her daughter could come, I went out and bought another package of loot bags and made one just for her. I didn't want the girl to feel left out.

 

[lovinpoohbear]

sorry double post

 

[Leonsmom]

Maybe it's a regional thing.

Here, if a name is not on the invitation, he or she is not invited. Whether it's a wedding or a 3 year old's birthday party, the names of those invited are on the invitation.

You said it!!!! And maybe it is a regional thing - I am in Long Island too.
Although some people are just clueless.

lovinpoohbear- I could have written this post. I totally get what you are saying!!!!
This past Nov when my DS turned 5, I invited my next door nieghbors DS4 to the birthday. I was hesitant to invite him in the first place because his mom has a history of dumping her children on people (not just me either). In the past we've invited her DS to parties only to have her show up with her DH and her THREE other children as well. That's 6 people, people!! And she never even asked if they could come along. So for DS's 5th birthday I hand delivered the card addressed to only him and told her what I had planned for the party. I also went on to explain that because money was tight AND space was tight in our little apartment I had to cut the guest list down. I figured I could not get any more direct than that. She never RSVP'd, even though I left a message asking if Christopher would be attending. On the day of the party about 5 minutes before start time, she called to say that they were on the way and that her DD8 and DS11 were hoping that they could come too. Would it be okay? Come on, a 3rd grader and a 6th grader want to attend a kindergartener's birthday party?
I said yes. What can I say I am a push over and I don't know how to say no. Do you know that 30 minutes later in walks Christopher-4 and his sister-8 and not his brother, but sister-8's best friend. WHAT? You mean she already had a playdate planned at her house and mom sends them to my son's birthday party? I was dumb founded. And then to top it of 5 minutes later, she shows up with her DS-11. I am sorry but that's just WRONG!
The thing is this woman is really clueless, she just doesn't get it. I've been trying to distance myself from them ever since but it is difficult. 1- they live right next door and 2- my son adores her son. But i am tired of her using me. Here is an example; she will call and say her Christopher would love to have a playdate with my Leon, maybe we could get them together and are we free right now? I think great he's been invited for a playdate, he loves Christopher. But that isn't exactly the case. Because as soon as I say we are free, the conversation goes something like this; "oh good, the only thing is I have to run to the store for about an hour (or take her DD to a game, or make some phone calls, or run the dog to the vet)" this is when it becomes apparent to me that she does not want to invite Leon for a playdate, she wants me to babysit. She has never called to invite Leon over there. I also found out that she does this to two of our other neighbors with kids as well. And it will only get worse because in Sept, Christopher will start kindergarten and they will be on the school bus together. Leon will be asking me to invite him for a playdate every day. I just don't want to be watching her kid all the time! Ugh!
Anyway I did not mean to hijack your thread .... but i do know what you mean and I agree with you! COMPLETELY!

 

[tlbwriter]

I agree that it's rude to expect pizza for the four of them, but I don't believe it was rude of her to ask for her daughter to attend. The OP had an opportunity and the right to say "no". In fact, I think it was quite responsible of the mother to ask to bring her daughter first, so many people today wouldn't have thought twice about just showing up.

Any etiquette expert will tell you that it's rude to ask to bring an uninvited guest.

 

[tlbwriter]

Here is an example; she will call and say her Christopher would love to have a playdate with my Leon, maybe we could get them together and are we free right now? I think great he's been invited for a playdate, he loves Christopher. But that isn't exactly the case. Because as soon as I say we are free, the conversation goes something like this; "oh good, the only thing is I have to run to the store for about an hour (or take her DD to a game, or make some phone calls, or run the dog to the vet)" this is when it becomes apparent to me that she does not want to invite Leon for a playdate, she wants me to babysit. She has never called to invite Leon over there. I also found out that she does this to two of our other neighbors with kids as well. And it will only get worse because in Sept, Christopher will start kindergarten and they will be on the school bus together. Leon will be asking me to invite him for a playdate every day. I just don't want to be watching her kid all the time! Ugh!

This can be handled pretty easily.

"Christopher would love to play with Leon, are you free?"

"Oh, yes, Leon is free! What perfect timing! I was just about to run to the grocery store, so I'll drop him off on my way to your house! I'll only be gone for an hour or so. See you in a minute!"

 

[mommytoone]

I totally understand where you are coming from.

In Jan I had my DD party at a cheerleading facility where I paid $10 per girl and they learned some cheers and stuff. One of the girls from her class came with her mom, stepdad, and Little sis. The mom said they were going to dinner and she would be back within an hour. Ok I said, as the party was 2.5 hours, I went to my purse to get a pen and paper for her cell phone, just incase, and when I turned around she and her husband were gone, they left the little sister with me for the party. I had never met her and neither did my DD. When she came back I asked her why she left her and her response was " I thought she was invited too, I sent a gift from her" Like that made it OK, because she sent a gift. I was so mad. I had to pay more for her and and I didn't even know that she was coming, had she asked I would of said NO!!! Some people are so rude.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

Any etiquette expert will tell you that it's rude to ask to bring an uninvited guest.

I'm not so sure this applies. Would you just invite just one young child to a wedding..with no ability to get there on her own and not offer an invitation to the person who got her there? Or even an elderly person for that matter Which is essentially what you are doing at the birthday party?

I'm just saying siblings is a gray area, especially if a mom doesn't have another option for her other child. It depends on the circumstances. I do think a discussion needs to be had before the event whether someone wants to be as strong as printing NO Siblings on the invite ..shouldn't just assume on either side.

 

[mjkacmom]

Maybe it's a regional thing.

Here, if a name in not on the invitation, he or she is not invited. Whether it's a wedding or a 3 year old's birthday party, the names of those invited are on the invitation.

My youngest starts kindergarten next month. Like her brother and sister, her kindergarten birthday party will include ALL her classmates as well as her 3 young cousins, and be held at the local Saf-T-Swim. Twenty-something kids can have a LOT of siblings, and the party accomodates 25 for the basic fee. If everyone I invites RSVPs yes, I'll happily pay for the 2 or 3 extra kids. But I have no intention of paying extra for 10 or 12 siblings.

Same here - it is never assumed siblings are invited, and it is rude to ask, except if you have a real reason (and are planning to pay for your child). It is very rare for both parents to show up - this party is about the birthday child and their friends.

 

[Leonsmom]

This can be handled pretty easily.

"Christopher would love to play with Leon, are you free?"

"Oh, yes, Leon is free! What perfect timing! I was just about to run to the grocery store, so I'll drop him off on my way to your house! I'll only be gone for an hour or so. See you in a minute!"

YES! I have since learned to turn the tables on her. I don't like sending DS over there without me for two reasons - 1-she lets the kids play in the front yard unattended and we have crazy teenage drivers zipping down the street on a regular basis. And 2- DS is extremely Hyperactive and Impulsive (has ADHD) I don't want to put another person in the position of having to control him

Same here - it is never assumed siblings are invited, and it is rude to ask, except if you have a real reason (and are planning to pay for your child). It is very rare for both parents to show up - this party is about the birthday child and their friends.

Two weeks ago, DS5 went to a classmates party. Everyone from the kindergarten class was invited to this pool party in the backyard. Each child had 1 parent stay with the exception of one girl whose parent not only left but also left her uninvited 9 year old son. This boy was so unruley and out of hand that he had half the little ones crying because he was chasing them, popping balloons in there face, and splashing them, or grabbing them while in the pool. Most of the younger ones could not swim. All of the moms kept telling this boy to stay away from their child. Everyone was stressed. He did not listen to anyone. When his mom came back he did more of the same to her. At one point she said he is so bad that I don't even know what to do with him anymore.
If you know you have a difficult child -WHY, WHY would you just drop him off somewhere he wasn't invited? I could never do this. My son is a very sweet boy but he can also be very difficult when he is not structured (meaning he needs reminders to think before he acts and needs directions and rules repeated for him often)

 

[Aliceacc]

If you know you have a difficult child -WHY, WHY would you just drop him off somewhere he wasn't invited?

And, good manners aside, why on earth would you leave him at a POOL party where you weren't there to watch him??? If she knows his behavior is a problem, she should have been there even if he HAD been invited, to ensure his safety and that of the other guests.

 

[emma'smom]

A wedding is a totally different kind of event. It isn't an event specifically for children. One would assume that the child would need supervision at a wedding from an accompanying adult....and in the rare case that the invite should only be for one child (like going to a teacher's wedding or the second marriage of a the child's friend's parent), I would assume it would just be for the ONE child who is invited and an accompanying caregiver. Also, I would assume that both of their names would be on the invite (ie. Little Kid and Guest).

A kid's birthday party, by its very nature, usually includes supervision (from birthday kid's parents, party attendants, whomever the birthday kid's parents have made arrangements for).

I'm not so sure this applies. Would you just invite just one young child to a wedding..with no ability to get there on her own and not offer an invitation to the person who got her there? Or even an elderly person for that matter Which is essentially what you are doing at the birthday party?

I'm just saying siblings is a gray area, especially if a mom doesn't have another option for her other child. It depends on the circumstances. I do think a discussion needs to be had before the event whether someone wants to be as strong as printing NO Siblings on the invite ..shouldn't just assume on either side.

 

[rt2dz]

I'm not so sure this applies. Would you just invite just one young child to a wedding..with no ability to get there on her own and not offer an invitation to the person who got her there? Or even an elderly person for that matter Which is essentially what you are doing at the birthday party?

I'm just saying siblings is a gray area, especially if a mom doesn't have another option for her other child. It depends on the circumstances. I do think a discussion needs to be had before the event whether someone wants to be as strong as printing NO Siblings on the invite ..shouldn't just assume on either side.

The assumption should always be that siblings are not invited unless the invitation is addressed to them also or it says that siblings are welcome in the invitation. You don't assume you can automatically bring a guest to a wedding unless the interior envelope says Miss Jane Doe and guest. A family isn't invited unless it says Mr. and Mrs. Smith and family.

I do think it is safe to assume one parent may stay if it is a great distance, young children, or in an open public area, or in a venue where extra eyes are always needed (swimming).

If a mom (or dad) doesn't have someone to watch a sibling (or more) while the child is at the party, either for free or pay, then that parent has the option to decline the birthday party invitation. If something has happened at the last minute, yes, she could call and explain the situation and ask if it is possible to bring the sibling, but offer to pay. That parent should also be prepared to hear no and not be angry about it.

 

[tlbwriter]

I'm not so sure this applies. Would you just invite just one young child to a wedding..with no ability to get there on her own and not offer an invitation to the person who got her there? Or even an elderly person for that matter Which is essentially what you are doing at the birthday party?

I'm just saying siblings is a gray area, especially if a mom doesn't have another option for her other child. It depends on the circumstances. I do think a discussion needs to be had before the event whether someone wants to be as strong as printing NO Siblings on the invite ..shouldn't just assume on either side.

Of course it applies. If your name isn't on the invitation, you aren't invited. Period. The fact that it would be enjoyable and/or convenient for your siblings who were not invited to come is completely irrelevant.

 

[pigletto]

This is slightly off topic but it does relate.
I have 2 children. My dd has been to many many birthday parties for friends over the years and never once has a parent been asked or expected to stay.
We moved to a different town this year and my DS was turning 4 nd had his first "friends" party. And all the parents were surprised that they were not expected to stay. In fact two of them were really grateful for a few hours to go get some errands done.
Is it the norm where you live for the parent to stay?
I agree showing up with a whole family is odd and annoying. But I had always been under the impression that the host parent was responsible for the children invited and only the invited child should attend

 

[nonzerosum]

Not everyone believes "the more the merrier." In fact, some parents and children can be very stressed by the increasing numbers that siblings, dogs, cats, birds, great-aunts etc.. bring. People should just grab a clue and ask themselves, "Gee if the birthday girl really wanted to have my other kids at HER party, don't you think we would have been informed of this." Birthday parties should be about the birthday child, and only those friends who made the initial list of desired guests should attend. I can tell you for a fact that neither I nor my kids would want interlopers...if we really wanted you there, you would have been invited!!! I don't think it's fair to suggest that the OP is passive-aggressive, rather it's much more accurate to label the mom of the guest and her family as self-centred, and clueless. It puts the party host in a very akward position when asked if xyz can attend. Assume it's not okay and don't ask, period. I take a hard line on this because I've seen many a party ruined by excessive numbers of kids with vast ranges of ages and capabilities.

 

[Aliceacc]

Is it the norm where you live for the parent to stay?

Around here, it depends on the age of the child.

For the preschool set, a parent stays.

In kindergarten (NEXT MONTH!!) my youngest will meet 20-something kids she's never met before. When she gets invited to their parties, I plan to attend, as will all the other parents-- I don't know the parents of her soon-to-be-friends and won't leave my daughter with strangers. The normal routine around here is to order a pizza and have a bottle of soda on hand for the parents. They're not normally invited to participate in the activity (say bowling or swimming or whatever) so the cost for having them there isn't a budget buster.

Then, at around 2nd grade or so, the kids attend without the parents, with a few exceptions. For example, my 10 year old son is going to a laser tag party today. Since it's a few towns over, most of the parents will stay-- that hour and a half isn't really enough time to get home and accomplish anything.

My 2 daughters, who were not invited, will be home with my husband.

 

[Tiffany_MommyOf3]

I dont leave my little ones at a sitter. I will however gladly pay for my children who were not invited.

 

[Tiffany_MommyOf3]

Oh and yes, I think its extremely rude for parents to drop kids and go unless the invite states that they can do that. I am NOT going to be responsible for other peoples kids while Im trying to host a party AND watch my own 4 kids. Id rather pay for someone elses siblings and DC to have a great party.

 

[badblackpug]

Unless the siblings are specifically invited on the invitiation, they are not invited. It is rude and presumptuous to bring them. Especially if the party is not being held at the hosts home. Even if you offer to pay for the sibling. It is one more goody bag (which the host didn't plan for) it is one more piece of cake, or slice of pizza, party hat, balloon or whatever that the host didn't figure into the plans or budget or size of the venue. A good host will make sure that the extra child doesn't feel left out, even if that means shorting the birthday child or the birthday child's siblings. (I know, been there, done that) I actually, once, ended up paying about $200 extra at Chuck-E-Cheese because of uninvited kids staying!

Whether the parent stays or not usualy depends on the age of the child and location of the party. After 2nd grade, or so, the parents, unless they are family members or close friends, usually don't stay, if the party is within close driving distance.

 

[Leonsmom]

Is it the norm where you live for the parent to stay?
I agree showing up with a whole family is odd and annoying. But I had always been under the impression that the host parent was responsible for the children invited and only the invited child should attend

Around here, it depends on the age of the child.
For the preschool set, a parent stays.
In kindergarten (NEXT MONTH!!) my youngest will meet 20-something kids she's never met before. When she gets invited to their parties, I plan to attend, as will all the other parents--

I am from where you are from and this isn't always true.
Last year I invited DS's kindergarten class to his birthday. I did not write drop-offs okay on the invite. I was VERY surprised when every parent dropped off thier child and just left. I was okay with it, but very surprised. I am like you, if I don't know you, I am not leaving my child with you. Maybe it was because it was at our home. I was very thankful that my sister was there to help reign the kids in!!!!!

Not everyone believes "the more the merrier." In fact, some parents and children can be very stressed by the increasing numbers that siblings, dogs, cats, birds, great-aunts etc.. bring. People should just grab a clue and ask themselves, "Gee if the birthday girl really wanted to have my other kids at HER party, don't you think we would have been informed of this." Birthday parties should be about the birthday child, and only those friends who made the initial list of desired guests should attend. I take a hard line on this because I've seen many a party ruined by excessive numbers of kids with vast ranges of ages and capabilities.

I am one of the folks that does believe in "the more, the merrier" - Unfortunatly my wallet does not!!! And because of that I often have our parties at home in our apartment. The size of our apartment and the fact that DS bday is in winter (which means an indoor party) means a limited number of guests. I LOVE planning parties, especially kids parties. And i take pride in doing it well and on a budget. I agree that a party can suffer from an excessive numbers of kids with vast ranges of ages and capabilities if they are not planned for.
Oh how I wish we had the money and the space to do what I really would like to do .... then the whole school could come.