OT:More birthday etiquitte

[mjkacmom]

Oh and yes, I think its extremely rude for parents to drop kids and go unless the invite states that they can do that. I am NOT going to be responsible for other peoples kids while Im trying to host a party AND watch my own 4 kids. Id rather pay for someone elses siblings and DC to have a great party.

I see your children are very young - however, starting in kindy here, parents usually drop off, and the host is responsible for them. I usually leave MY child's siblings home, so I can focus on my birthday child's party, and his or her friends, and not my other children. We have a family celebration that the siblings come to.

 

[Aliceacc]

I am from where you are from and this isn't always true.
Last year I invited DS's kindergarten class to his birthday. I did not write drop-offs okay on the invite. I was VERY surprised when every parent dropped off thier child and just left. I was okay with it, but very surprised. I am like you, if I don't know you, I am not leaving my child with you. Maybe it was because it was at our home. I was very thankful that my sister was there to help reign the kids in!!!!!

Wow... amazing! (Please take this right. I'm sure you're a wonderful person and we've probably chatted on line at the food court at the mall.) The fact that it was in your house would have made it even MORE of a reason for me to stay. But not knowing you or your family-- whether you had a vicious dog, a loaded gun, or a sex offender on the premises-- would have made me even more likely to stay than if your party had been at the local McDonalds or bowling alley.

 

[pigletto]

That all makes total sense. It was a little different in this case (ds's party) because I do daycare from home and all of the attendee's were daycare children. So these parents already pay me to watch their children. Every day in my house is like a birthday party... this particular day just had cake and hats
And in dd's case the parties started after kindergarten.. so I already knew the parents to a degree.

 

[imthatgirl]

wow...so whats a parent to do. reading this it seems everyone has their own idea of how a party should go. some get mad if the parents stay, some get mad if they dont. asking your friend if its ok if you bring your other child is a no-no, but its a friend, not just some kid in the class?

all this stress over birthday parties, doesnt sound like any of it can be all that fun

we retired from "parties" a couple years ago. now the kids just invite a couple kids *gasp* we dont invite the whole class , we get cake and pizza and let the kids play. i dont order the pizza till everyones there, so extra people is no biggie. no stress.

 

[badblackpug]

wow...so whats a parent to do. reading this it seems everyone has their own idea of how a party should go. some get mad if the parents stay, some get mad if they dont. asking your friend if its ok if you bring your other child is a no-no, but its a friend, not just some kid in the class?

all this stress over birthday parties, doesnt sound like any of it can be all that fun

we retired from "parties" a couple years ago. now the kids just invite a couple kids *gasp* we dont invite the whole class , we get cake and pizza and let the kids play. i dont order the pizza till everyones there, so extra people is no biggie. no stress.

I don't think it is so much stress, although I do think the cost of these things has become a little ridiculous. It is common manners, no matter what the occasion, that the person whose name is on the invitation, is the person who is invited. Period. It is rude to ask to have someone, whether it is a child or not, invited to a party. If the host had wanted to invite that person he or she would have. ...and nowdays, considering the price of everything 2 or 3 or 10 more people can really add up. Uninvited guests add extra strain on the host.
(off topic, but my mother, in her younger years, used to host the family Thanksgiving. A sit down dinner for anywhere from 18-25 people. Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. My counsin (uncle's daughter) in her teen years began showing up with boyfriend du jour, then she began bringing BF du jour and her mother (uncle is divorced) then BF, mother and maternal grandmother, then BF, mother, maternal grandmother, and sister (from mothers previous marriage) it was always an imposition. There wasn't enough china, or food, or for heaven's sake room at the table!)

As kids get older, it gets easier. They are more firm in who their friends are, and who they want to invite. ...and they have the ability to be more discreet, as not to hurt the feelings of their uninvited classmates. Plus, all my bigger girls want is sleepovers. 5 or 6 girls, some dollar store make-up for "makeovers" pizza, chips, soda and videos. They entertain themseles!

 

[mjkacmom]

I am from where you are from and this isn't always true.
Last year I invited DS's kindergarten class to his birthday. I did not write drop-offs okay on the invite. I was VERY surprised when every parent dropped off thier child and just left. I was okay with it, but very surprised. I am like you, if I don't know you, I am not leaving my child with you. Maybe it was because it was at our home. I was very thankful that my sister was there to help reign the kids in!!!!!

If all of the parents dropped off, I assume this is the norm in your area - kindy is the year when parents start to drop off here, especially home parties. My gf had a combined party for her 5 and 7 year old dd's at home (hired entertainment). 15 guests each, total of 30 girls. Can you imagine another 30 adults at the party?

Usually, the host will have a couple of other moms that she is close to stay and help out, but it's not expected that all of the moms stay - that's a lot of people!

 

[imthatgirl]

I don't think it is so much stress, although I do think the cost of these things has become a little ridiculous. It is common manners, no matter what the occasion, that the person whose name is on the invitation, is the person who is invited. Period. It is rude to ask to have someone, whether it is a child or not, invited to a party. If the host had wanted to invite that person he or she would have. ...and nowdays, considering the price of everything 2 or 3 or 10 more people can really add up. Uninvited guests add extra strain on the host.
(off topic, but my mother, in her younger years, used to host the family Thanksgiving. A sit down dinner for anywhere from 18-25 people. Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. My counsin (uncle's daughter) in her teen years began showing up with boyfriend du jour, then she began bringing BF du jour and her mother (uncle is divorced) then BF, mother and maternal grandmother, then BF, mother, maternal grandmother, and sister (from mothers previous marriage) it was always an imposition. There wasn't enough china, or food, or for heaven's sake room at the table!)

As kids get older, it gets easier. They are more firm in who their friends are, and who they want to invite. ...and they have the ability to be more discreet, as not to hurt the feelings of their uninvited classmates. Plus, all my bigger girls want is sleepovers. 5 or 6 girls, some dollar store make-up for "makeovers" pizza, chips, soda and videos. They entertain themseles!

my kids ages are 3,4 and 8, so its very possible to still only invite a couple kids.
i guess i just dont agree, if someone is your friend they should be able to ask that they bring someone and not be considered rude. of course the party giver has every right to say no. i would expect any friend of mine to feel they can ask me, i dont hold my friends to rules of etiquitte.
you say that its common that only the person whos name is on the invite attend the party, well my comment was basically directed to the fact that later in this post many posters clearly said that its rude to just drop your kid off. well i guess we cant have it both ways? some want to parents to stay, some dont, some say its rude for any more than 1 parent to stay....but who makes up these rules, and how is the rest of the world supposed to know which side of the fence you fall, if they dont ask? and for the people who want the parents to stay, what if i have a 3yo, am i really expected to pay a babysitter, so i can babysit at a party my child was invited to?
maybe from now on whenever a parent sends out invites they should write out exactly how they want to party to go, so there is no confusion from the party goer? but then that wouldnt be proper etiquitte either....so like i said what a parent to do?

 

[rt2dz]

Everyone I know around here generally stays with preschool kids. Preschool set can be pretty demanding and when trying to run a party, even at a free play event where you're only call them in for pizza and cake, you don't have time to watch every child. Most parents also stay in K, although if it is enclosed and private and you know the hosting parent well, some may leave--usually when they can't get someone to watch their uninvited children!

In first around here, some leave (~40%) and some stay (~60%), but it usually depends on where the party is, what the entertainment/activity is, how many kids are there, how many adults are there, how well you know the hosting family, and how your kid feels about you leaving. In preschool, most parents know each other; once they start elementary, not so much.

In second here, some leave (~80%) and some stay (~20%). All the above variables apply. In third and beyond, most leave (~99.5%) unless it is a very difficult place to supervise a bunch of kids, in which, usually you are on premises, but out of the way of the party. A good example is a swimming party.

 

[rt2dz]

my kids ages are 3,4 and 8, so its very possible to still only invite a couple kids.
i guess i just dont agree, if someone is your friend they should be able to ask that they bring someone and not be considered rude. of course the party giver has every right to say no. i would expect any friend of mine to feel they can ask me, i dont hold my friends to rules of etiquitte.
you say that its common that only the person whos name is on the invite attend the party, well my comment was basically directed to the fact that later in this post many posters clearly said that its rude to just drop your kid off. well i guess we cant have it both ways? some want to parents to stay, some dont, some say its rude for any more than 1 parent to stay....but who makes up these rules, and how is the rest of the world supposed to know which side of the fence you fall, if they dont ask? and for the people who want the parents to stay, what if i have a 3yo, am i really expected to pay a babysitter, so i can babysit at a party my child was invited to?
maybe from now on whenever a parent sends out invites they should write out exactly how they want to party to go, so there is no confusion from the party goer? but then that wouldnt be proper etiquitte either....so like i said what a parent to do?

I failed to see where parents thought it was rude to just drop an invited child off. Surprised, yes.

I do put on the invitation what I expect. I send out the invitation in the name of the person/people invited. If siblings are welcome, I state so. If those things aren't on the invitation, they are not invited. That is an old standing etiquette rule. Manners are there to show respect for others. I show respect, especially, to my friends. I would hope they would to me also. It's hard to be friends with people who don't respect or who don't respect you.

I also have on the invitations if I will be feeding your children and what. Kids can be picky eaters. My oldest doesn't like pizza. My middle one is allergic to dairy and many other foods. I appreciate knowing if pizza will be served at a meal time party so I can feed them before hand or bring something that my middle one can eat (I don't expect the host parent to make special accommodations for my child). I can also prepare my children, and the host parents. Also, parents should know if I'm serving hotdogs, chicken nuggets, for the same reason. I write on there if I'm serving the parents or not. An example was on one invitation I wrote: "A meal of chicken nuggets and tatter tots will be served to you and ham and cheese sandwiches will be available for your mom or dad. Cake and ice cream for all." People thanked me for that for a long time. They knew exactly what to expect.

If I expect the parents to stay, I indicate it. See the above example. The parents knew to stay from the food information. Another time, my oldest was having his party at a very large pizza buffet (that had pasta on it for my son) facility that was opened to the public and had mini golf, bowling, bumper cars, race cars, and arcade games. I wrote on the invitation that each invited child would receive a pizza buffet and a $20 game card as part of the party (what the package included). I also said, parents are asked to stay with their child do the large size of the facility. Again, parents thanked me.

At DS party last year, it was a swim party. I didn't put if parents needed to stay or not. Parents asked when they RSVP'd if they weren't sure (most would stay regardless). I said they could do whatever they felt comfortable with; there would be four adults running the party and two lifeguards. All stayed. No one asked to bring siblings because they had the common sense to know who the invitation was given to. And, if siblings would have came, who was paying the extra $75 for the extra lifeguard? Sometimes parties have limits to how many kids can attend. If you can't get a sitter/friend/spouse to watch your other children, say: "I'm sorry we can't attend do to child care." Either the hosting parent will offer to let you bring the sibling or say, "I understand."

As far as size of the parties goes, I let my kids invite their friends. Kids they see and play with on a regular basis. I don't make them pick and choose. My son was invited to one party where the birthday child could invite the age he was turning + 1. Half the kids didn't show. He was a little disappointed that only 3 kids that came. I hate that "rule". It's old and comes from a time when kids didn't have parties until they turned 8 or 9 and no one missed parties unless ill because kids/families weren't over scheduled. My oldest has big parties. My middle one prefers small parties--he is not comfortable in crowds. My youngest is somewhere in the middle.

 

[mjkacmom]

my kids ages are 3,4 and 8, so its very possible to still only invite a couple kids.
i guess i just dont agree, if someone is your friend they should be able to ask that they bring someone and not be considered rude. of course the party giver has every right to say no. i would expect any friend of mine to feel they can ask me, i dont hold my friends to rules of etiquitte.
you say that its common that only the person whos name is on the invite attend the party, well my comment was basically directed to the fact that later in this post many posters clearly said that its rude to just drop your kid off. well i guess we cant have it both ways? some want to parents to stay, some dont, some say its rude for any more than 1 parent to stay....but who makes up these rules, and how is the rest of the world supposed to know which side of the fence you fall, if they dont ask? and for the people who want the parents to stay, what if i have a 3yo, am i really expected to pay a babysitter, so i can babysit at a party my child was invited to?
maybe from now on whenever a parent sends out invites they should write out exactly how they want to party to go, so there is no confusion from the party goer? but then that wouldnt be proper etiquitte either....so like i said what a parent to do?

If you can't get someone to watch your 3 year old, you call the host and say "dd would love to attend, but unfortunately I am unable to get a sitter for my 3 year old." This gives the host the opportunity to say "oh, that's too bad - maybe next time," or "don't be silly - bring your 3 year old!" At which point, you respond "thank you so much - I insist on paying for my 3 year old, of course, and please, no goody bag!"

In the OP's case, her friend had someone to watch her other child, and instead of leaving the child home with DH, she let the OP pay for that child. Rude. Almost all kids have siblings - what if everyone asked if they could tag along? Birthday parties around here are usually with kids the same age - a baby/toddler/older kid could really change the dynamics.

 

[imthatgirl]

i dont agree at all, so we will have to agree to disagree. any of my frineds can come to me anytime and ask of me anything they wish. thats what seperates my friends from accaintences. and of course the OP could have said no, she didnt, her fault. if you dont want other kids there, then say no, its not that hard.

ive never heard of the age plus one rule. when my kids have a party i ask who they would like to invite, and thats who we invite. i guess im lucky, ive never had someone not show up. usually if soemone rsvps that they are coming, they come. i would never invite a bunch of kids just because my childrens friends might not show. we invite friends, thats it.

saying your child cant come because you cant get a sitter for another child, is the same as asking if the other kid can come. if anyone ever called and said that to me, id say oh well see ya next time. thats rude, if you want to ask if a kid can come, ask me, ill say yes, dont beat around the bush.

i guess with all these "rules" im glad my kids have the parties they have. and i think from now on i will certainly think twice about accepting any invites my kids get. theres too many rules.

 

[mjkacmom]

i dont agree at all, so we will have to agree to disagree. any of my frineds can come to me anytime and ask of me anything they wish. thats what seperates my friends from accaintences. and of course the OP could have said no, she didnt, her fault. if you dont want other kids there, then say no, its not that hard.

ive never heard of the age plus one rule. when my kids have a party i ask who they would like to invite, and thats who we invite. i guess im lucky, ive never had someone not show up. usually if soemone rsvps that they are coming, they come. i would never invite a bunch of kids just because my childrens friends might not show. we invite friends, thats it.

saying your child cant come because you cant get a sitter for another child, is the same as asking if the other kid can come. if anyone ever called and said that to me, id say oh well see ya next time. thats rude, if you want to ask if a kid can come, ask me, ill say yes, dont beat around the bush.

i guess with all these "rules" im glad my kids have the parties they have. and i think from now on i will certainly think twice about accepting any invites my kids get. theres too many rules.

Why is it rude to say you can't get a sitter? I would ask, and would have no problem if the host didn't invite the sibling (although I probably would've declined the invitation without giving a reason). I have 2 friends, and one did put the other on the spot about a beauty shop party (hair and nails, $20 a kid). She said okay, because she felt put on the spot, but thought that it was weird (the children were in 1st grade, and 1/2 were dropped off anyway, since it was a "closed" party, and all of the parents knew each other).

I don't let my kids go to their own siblings' parties - I certainly am not one to bring an extra child!

 

[imthatgirl]

Why is it rude to say you can't get a sitter? I would ask, and would have no problem if the host didn't invite the sibling (although I probably would've declined the invitation without giving a reason). I have 2 friends, and one did put the other on the spot about a beauty shop party (hair and nails, $20 a kid). She said okay, because she felt put on the spot, but thought that it was weird (the children were in 1st grade, and 1/2 were dropped off anyway, since it was a "closed" party, and all of the parents knew each other).

I don't let my kids go to their own siblings' parties - I certainly am not one to bring an extra child!

to me it would be expecting me to invite your child. no way i would do that. and then i would probably talk about the person after they hung up, like i said if you want to ask something ask it. if not, you arent going to get the answer you want. much like the op, who didnt just come out and ask, she hoped the kid would be invited. i would much rather someone just say to me,can my other child come, i would always say yes. but ive never thrown a "closed" party. we just arent those kind of people.
seriously you dont let your other kids go to their own brothers and sisters parties? oh my....i guess we are just much different people.
i think maybe the differnce is the guest list. anyone we invite, we know well. these are kids my kids play with. we have never invited a whole class, then there would be moms i didnt know. so these people are my friends, not just random people in a class.

 

[lovinpoohbear]

I was not "hoping" for my other ds to be invited to the other womans party. I merely was curious if she would include him, only because she knows my dh works every Saturday, therefore needing to pay a bAbysitter.
I did say Yes to her daughter because I ASSUMED that she had no one to watch her. When she showed up with her family of four, I was shocked. I had to pay extra $$$ for her daughter to attend. I will repost my other post.

 

[mjkacmom]

to me it would be expecting me to invite your child. no way i would do that. and then i would probably talk about the person after they hung up, like i said if you want to ask something ask it. if not, you arent going to get the answer you want. much like the op, who didnt just come out and ask, she hoped the kid would be invited. i would much rather someone just say to me,can my other child come, i would always say yes. but ive never thrown a "closed" party. we just arent those kind of people.
seriously you dont let your other kids go to their own brothers and sisters parties? oh my....i guess we are just much different people.
i think maybe the differnce is the guest list. anyone we invite, we know well. these are kids my kids play with. we have never invited a whole class, then there would be moms i didnt know. so these people are my friends, not just random people in a class.

We do age specific and gender specific parties. My dd7 wouldn't want her siblings at her Annie dance party, my ds10 wouldn't have wanted his siblings at his indoor soccer party, dd12 wouldn't have wanted her siblings at her swim parties... They want their friends, and not their big or little brothers and sisters - they can celebrate with them another time.

I'm guessing that you are in the habit of bringing siblings - I hope people aren't getting off the phone with you, complaining that you always ask to bring the family...

 

[lovinpoohbear]

I am the OP and although the other mom and I get together for playdates, the playdates are with the boys only. The daughter goes to a vacation camp during school vacations and that is when our playdates occur. The other mom works full time and so we get together during the weeks that the kids are off.
I reread my original post and this is what I forgot to include. This is the same woman that when she had her DS's Birthday last year, complained to me how some of the partygoers were "rude" because some had brought siblings. She got stuck paying the admission for the extra kids.
I guess I am upset that it is "ok" for her to do it but not ok for others to do it to her.
As for saying yes in the first place, I ASSUMED that she didn't have anyone to stay with her daughter. When she showed up with the whole family, I was shocked to say the least.
Did I mention I paid $18 for her extra daughter? The package price included 20 children and when you go over, you have to pay. I also bought 20 loot bags, they are sold in packages of 10. So last minute when she called me if her daughter could come, I went out and bought another package of loot bags and made one just for her. I didn't want the girl to feel left out.

I have a problem with the fact that this woman was angry last year when people brought siblings but she felt it was ok to bring a family of four to my ds birthday. Also, I have never met her husband before and he sat at the table with the kids eating the pizza. (each child had one parent stay, this is the norm here for a pre-k party) I just thought it was rude.

 

[badblackpug]

i dont agree at all, so we will have to agree to disagree. any of my frineds can come to me anytime and ask of me anything they wish. thats what seperates my friends from accaintences. and of course the OP could have said no, she didnt, her fault. if you dont want other kids there, then say no, its not that hard.

ive never heard of the age plus one rule. when my kids have a party i ask who they would like to invite, and thats who we invite. i guess im lucky, ive never had someone not show up. usually if soemone rsvps that they are coming, they come. i would never invite a bunch of kids just because my childrens friends might not show. we invite friends, thats it.

saying your child cant come because you cant get a sitter for another child, is the same as asking if the other kid can come. if anyone ever called and said that to me, id say oh well see ya next time. thats rude, if you want to ask if a kid can come, ask me, ill say yes, dont beat around the bush.

i guess with all these "rules" im glad my kids have the parties they have. and i think from now on i will certainly think twice about accepting any invites my kids get. theres too many rules.

How is saying "I'm sorry we can't make it, I can't find a sitter for my 3 year old." any more rude than saying "can I bring my 3 year old?" Although I probably wouldn't use the 1st reply, I would feel I was guilting the host into inviting my other child/children, it at least gives the host the opportunity to decline gracefully. Asking outright if you can bring the siblings really puts the host on the spot. How do you say "No, I don't want little Suzie at the party." in any way that doesn't sound rude? At east with the "no sitter" routine the host can say "I'm so sorry, we wil miss Billy at the party."

...and I understand age/gender specific parties. What 12 year old girl wants her little brother at her sleepover or vice versa?

We usually do a family party, just cake and ice cream after dinner, on the actual day of the party. That one is for grandparents and childless adults. We do the kids parties on the weekends.

 

[The Moonk's Mom]

I didn't read everything that was posted, but we always have parties at our house. Big cookouts! (even with two kids in the winter). When we invite a child, we invite the entire family. We don't go to parties unless the entire family is invited, as it is with all of our friends. There are very few days off for my DH, so we try to spend that time together. The kids want it that way. We just decline any invite that comes addressed to just one child in the family and send a gift. We only run into this when a classmate invites the entire class...that I don't get either.

We like our family parties and it really gives us a great feeling of togetherness with our friends.

 

[imthatgirl]

How is saying "I'm sorry we can't make it, I can't find a sitter for my 3 year old." any more rude than saying "can I bring my 3 year old?" Although I probably wouldn't use the 1st reply, I would feel I was guilting the host into inviting my other child/children, it at least gives the host the opportunity to decline gracefully. Asking outright if you can bring the siblings really puts the host on the spot. How do you say "No, I don't want little Suzie at the party." in any way that doesn't sound rude? At east with the "no sitter" routine the host can say "I'm so sorry, we wil miss Billy at the party."

...and I understand age/gender specific parties. What 12 year old girl wants her little brother at her sleepover or vice versa?

We usually do a family party, just cake and ice cream after dinner, on the actual day of the party. That one is for grandparents and childless adults. We do the kids parties on the weekends.

well you answered your own question, its a way of guilting someone into asking your other child. i find that worse than just out right asking. if i was having one of these parties where i had to pay per child( although i have never and would never do those) then i would have no problem saying, no im sorry your other child cant come. and like i said before, if someone else has a problem saying no, and feels guilty, well too bad for them, learn to say no to people. its an important skill to have in life.

i must just have a strange family. my children have never once asked that thier siblings dont attend their party. but, it works out great because they all get along.

 

[imthatgirl]

We do age specific and gender specific parties. My dd7 wouldn't want her siblings at her Annie dance party, my ds10 wouldn't have wanted his siblings at his indoor soccer party, dd12 wouldn't have wanted her siblings at her swim parties... They want their friends, and not their big or little brothers and sisters - they can celebrate with them another time.

I'm guessing that you are in the habit of bringing siblings - I hope people aren't getting off the phone with you, complaining that you always ask to bring the family...

the only birthday parties my children are invited to that do not invite the whole family are the ones that come from random kids at school. we dont go to those, if my kids arent close to the people im not sending my child or buying a gift. i feel like the people who invite every single person theyve ever come in contact with, they are just looking for more gifts, not interested.ive never once asked to invite my family, my family is alwasy invited as a whole. plus ive never hosted a party where i didnt invute everyone in a family, i dont do those parties at a bowling ally or anyhting, they are way too inpersonal.

i guess im lucky, my kids all get along very well. thyeve never ask to not include everyone.