OT- Looking for Opinions on Tattling

[DISNEYFOS]

I'm curious about everyones opinions on Tattling and its effects on the 'Tattlee'. I have a 3 yr old and she plays consistently with a little girl whose about 6 months older. The little girls Mom watches both of them while I work.

For a while now, the older girl tattles to her mom about what my daughter is doing. This is pretty consistent throughout the day. Can be actual bad behavior from my daughter..or as simple as "Mommy, I asked XXX a question and she won't answer me".

I work from home, which is why I can usually hear what is going on. and I'm constantly hearing Mommy, XXX is doing this...Or Mommy, XXX won't share Of course I want my daughter to behave properly, but I don't think a 3 year old should be determining that.


Her mom usually trys to say "don't tell me, tell her" but I think the tattling should be nipped in the bud.

What are your opinions??

Also as a follow-on question, should the tattlee be punished for something the tattler told an adult, If the adult did not see it herself??

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Tattling is such a hard thing to teach kids. You want them to tell you if there is a problem yet they can't really differentiate a real problem vs a difference if opionion. We have tried telling our kids that if nobody is getting hurt or it is not something terrible then they need to work it out themselves. Of course we went into more detail. It sounds as if the Mom is doing the right thing by ignoring the tattlers constant complaints. I would however suggest that maybe she show her daughter a way to solve the problems or at the very least explain that not everything has to be her way. Is it affecting your DD? If it is I would definetly step in even if that means taking a break from work during an actual tattling incident to ask what exactly the problem is. Then when the tattler tells you I would try to explain in a way that maybe says "we are all friends here and love to spend time together, but sometimes one person wants to do one thing and not another. I would also explain that a good friend will help someone try to do the right thing rather than tell on them unless of course someone is going to get hurt." Good luck. This is no easy task.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Oh- just wanted to ask-
What is this woman doing that she doesn't know what's going on all the time?

 

[tjmw2727]

First I will tell what helped me with my dd's.

My girls did (do) well with "in trouble" or "out of trouble".

Since they are just under two years apart we have periods of tattling. I found the above easy to teach and pretty easy for them to understand.

Example:
#1 ~ If the tattle gets the other person into trouble then you keep it to yourself.
#2~ If the tattle gets the other person out of troulble you speak up.

#1, Mary took the blue crayon and I had it, wanted it etc. Work that out with Mary - what do you think you could do or say to solve this?
#2, Mary is climbing on the table, hitting me etc.

Now - in your case it is going to be more difficult for you as you won't have the teaching moments so maybe a conversation with the mom will help.

Something like - my dd seems to be going through a tattling phase, maybe its a 3yo phase and your dd is going through it too? Can we come up with a plan to address it so we are both on the same page?

The other thing to watch out for is if your dd is at the other childs home it can create some territory issues that can result in tattling. When my dd's went through that phase I would have them put away 1-2 toys when guests came over. This gave them some feeling that they didn't have to share everything. Of course if they took it out and to play with it then they did have to share it.

Good luck -

TJ

 

[DISNEYFOS]

Oh- just wanted to ask-
What is this woman doing that she doesn't know what's going on all the time?

Good question! So sometimes these tattling incidents happen right in front of her...like "Mommy, XXX won't answer me" (The little girl talks incessantly) Other times, she's getting lunch or snack ready for them. Or on phone, (which I'm trying to minimize.)

The situation is temporary until I go on Maternity leave early July.. Just wondering what if anything I should do. I don't know if its hurting my daughters self esteem to be constantly tattled on....or its just a useful social learning experience for her.

 

[meandtheguys2]

It seems to me that the mom is not feeding into the tattling behavior, which should stop it, eventually.

BTW, the mom could be sitting right there watching the whole thing. It doesn't stop a kid from whining/tattling, IMO.

I agree with TJM's def. of tatttling. If my kids tell me when someone is hurting someone, destroying something, etc. I do punish the offender.

 

[seashoreCM]

Try this:

If someone tattles to you then you go watch the tattlee, from a secret vantage point if you wish, to see if the "something" happens again. Then act accordingly.

Use a camcorder if you wish.

Disney hints:
http://members.aol.com/ajaynejr/disney.htm

 

[disneymom3]

Ugh. My boys are both into tattling right now. And they are TOO old to be doing it. Driving me crazy. It doesn't sound to me like the mom is playing into it. Sounds like she turns it back around on her most of the time. I really like the explanation above for in trouble or out of trouble.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

Thanks for all your answers! I do like the "in trouble" "out of trouble".

I think to me sometimes it just seem manipulative. Like she's trying to get my daughter in trouble. There have been times when I'm present. She'll exaggerate tattle or even make it up. XXX told me I couldn't play with that, when my daughter said nothing at all. Or XXX said no to me..and she never made a peep. She'll then look to me as well to see what I'm going to do.

I'm by no means thinking my daughter is always innocent...I'm just wondering how many of these tattles are real or making stories.

It just all seems rather strange to me.

 

[rt2dz]

With the info. you provided, I'd say the tattlers tattling is fairly age appropriate. It doesn't really sound as though the mom is encouraging the behavior but giving next to no reaction, which is possibly the best route to go. There isn't much more you can do with a child that age but ignore it.

We have rules about tattling. Basically: If someone is in danger, tell and tell NOW. Otherwise work it out yourselves. At about age 5 1/2 - 6, if you tattle, you get a punishment; if it is nothing (ie, so-and-so won't share) the tattler alone gets the punishment and if it is an actual unacceptable behavior (coloring on the furniture with markers) you each get a punishment (minor for the tattler in that situation). You get the idea.

 

[maesey]

Although, i haven't tried this personally b/c my daughter is too young - I have recommended it to friends and clients who RAVE about the results! I'm a family therapist and I attended a conference where an "expert" in child psychology came up w/ a really good idea. He called it, a "Tattling Incident Report." Unless safety was an issue, the Tattler has to fill out an actual incident report detailing the "crime," the date, time of day, people involved, the result of the "crime," etc. This is an actual printed out form you can make up on your computer. If the child doesn't write yet, then you make them go through the whole thing verbally, make it long, drawn out and as detailed as possible. Also, for both non-writers and writers try to delay the process as much as possible. Like: "I hear what your saying, sounds important, etc. and i'm going to schedule us a time to talk about that right after dinner" or "As soon as your dad gets home, we will fill out an incident report / and or talk about it, because he's a part of the decision, too." Basically the point is to make it so annoying for your child to tattle that it doesn't even become worth it!! You have to be consistent, even if it's every 5 minutes your filling out an incident report!!

 

[meandtheguys2]

Although, i haven't tried this personally b/c my daughter is too young - I have recommended it to friends and clients who RAVE about the results! I'm a family therapist and I attended a conference where an "expert" in child psychology came up w/ a really good idea. He called it, a "Tattling Incident Report." Unless safety was an issue, the Tattler has to fill out an actual incident report detailing the "crime," the date, time of day, people involved, the result of the "crime," etc. This is an actual printed out form you can make up on your computer. If the child doesn't write yet, then you make them go through the whole thing verbally, make it long, drawn out and as detailed as possible. Also, for both non-writers and writers try to delay the process as much as possible. Like: "I hear what your saying, sounds important, etc. and i'm going to schedule us a time to talk about that right after dinner" or "As soon as your dad gets home, we will fill out an incident report / and or talk about it, because he's a part of the decision, too." Basically the point is to make it so annoying for your child to tattle that it doesn't even become worth it!! You have to be consistent, even if it's every 5 minutes your filling out an incident report!!

Sounds like a whole lot of attention for a negative behavior. The right kid would turn around and tattle more for attention, and because they get to re-hash how bad someone else is. My opinion, of course.

 

[maesey]

I know what you're saying about the negative attention but i guess the point is to make it such an ordeal that they eventually give up the negative attention - especially if you do the whole delaying thing.

 

[meandtheguys2]

I know what you're saying about the negative attention but i guess the point is to make it such an ordeal that they eventually give up the negative attention - especially if you do the whole delaying thing.

What I should have said is that I have one who would love doing this! He is my anal child. He would make a notebook for the stuff! Of course, not all kids would do such a thing...

Welcome, BTW!

 

[Bibbidi]

This is what I tell my girls: tattling is telling on someone to get them in trouble and that is not ok. If a child is telling on another child because they might be in danger, then that is when it's OK to speak up. I also make it a point not to get involved in the tattling argument with my girls. I thank them if they'd told with good reason--i.e. younger sister hanging over the banister and ignore it if it's something silly. At a certain age they have to work things out cooperatively.

 

[tjmw2727]

I wonder if your dd's friend is feeling a little jelous having to share her place, her mom and her toys. This could cause her to act out toward your dd even though they are friends. Maybe try having your dd bring along a few special things to share with her friend or even better send an activity for them to do - hopefully with the mom's help. You could find some great easy things at Joans or Michaels that they could do. Or send a cookie or cake mix maybe?

I have been in the situation where I took my friends dd for a few weeks afterschool due to a family emergency sitiuation. The little girls and my dd were best friends (and still are!) but it was difficult for my dd to share me and her home and things after the initial fun week wore off. I just tried to make sure we still had 1-1 time together but of course you can't control that part.

Since its tempory I wouldn't worry about it too much esp since your dd isn't the one tattling.

Good luck - and remember this too shall pass!! (Its the next phase we need to worry about LOL).

TJ

 

[meeskamouska]

I am not sure if this is a solution you could suggest but it might work....I worked in an after-school program and dealt with tons of tattles!!!

We created a "Tattle Bag"...the children would tell the tattles intoa paper bag and at a specific time we would "listen" to the tattles. We would be really over the top, "NO WAY!! They didn't say that!!!", etc. It curbed our tattleing problem big time....the tattler felt validated and the tattlee had ananimity (sp?)!!

 

[maesey]

What I should have said is that I have one who would love doing this! He is my anal child. He would make a notebook for the stuff! Of course, not all kids would do such a thing...

Welcome, BTW!

Thanks for the welcome!

 

[mumzie2three]

Jumping in to say thanks for all the great ideas. I have 2 DDs that are 18 months apart in age. The youngest one is really on a tattling jag right now and I've started punishing her for it.
I was ignoring the tattling and telling the "tattler" that if I didn't see or hear the "infraction" and it resulted in no injuries then I wouldn't be punishing anyone. But now the little one is tattling on friends at school and church, and I'd hate to see kids distance themselves from her because of it.
I will definitely sit down with them this weekend and talk about the difference between tattling and telling an adult. Maybe with a clearer understanding of what tattling is and some clear cut discipline as a result, they will both cut back on the "Mommy! Guess what **** just said/did!"
So thanks again! Perfect timing!

 

[maesey]

I am not sure if this is a solution you could suggest but it might work....I worked in an after-school program and dealt with tons of tattles!!!

We created a "Tattle Bag"...the children would tell the tattles intoa paper bag and at a specific time we would "listen" to the tattles. We would be really over the top, "NO WAY!! They didn't say that!!!", etc. It curbed our tattleing problem big time....the tattler felt validated and the tattlee had ananimity (sp?)!!

Great idea...I love it!