OT- infertility and depression

[sl_underwood]

I normally wouldn't post this but really no one I know gets it. I really thought I was over this feeling but tomorrow I turn 35 and all I can think about is how dh and I will never have a baby together. We have 3 beautiful children but none biologically ours. I love my kids don't get me wrong. Each of them was an enormous blessing but I feel like dh and I have been cheated. Meanwhile my sister who is not a good mom keeps having babies that she doesn't parent. I can't help but wonder why dh and I can't but ppl who dont want a child get pregnant all the time. I am starting to wonder if I will ever truly get over this.

 

[sl_underwood]

After re-reading my post I think my thread title should have been welcome to my pity party! I am usually not this bad but lately I just can't help but feel so jealous, hurt, and angry. I just wish I could stop feeling this way.

 

[LaurenLC]

I don't have anything insightful to say, but

 

[worm761]

I am very sorry you are going through this. It is most likely your biological clock just a ticking away. I won't say that I know how you feel because I don't. Have you talked to your doctor about it? Depression, no matter what reason, needs to be taken care of before it seeps into other areas of your life. I know you don't want to take it out on your kids but it has been known to happen on occasion.
My sister went through something similar. She has two kids but really wanted one with her husband since they have hers and his kids. She really wanted an "ours" too. She had to have a hysterectomy. She said that she loves her kids and most likely really didn't want one to begin with but having the choice taken away from her was different than choosing not to have one.

 

[worm761]

I just noticed the age of your kids. I bet some of this has to do with your oldest getting ready to leave.

 

[mom2val]

Dh and I have been married since 1996. In 2000 we were blessed with our dd through a private adoption. She is wonderful and everything I could have ever wanted and more. That being said each and every month when I get my period my gut reaction is a personal pity party. I understand feeling cheated and frankly pissed off about people around you popping kids out left and right without a care in the world.
I still don't go to baby showers- even for close friends. It's just to hard for me. I don't think I will ever get over it. I just try to focus on dd and my faith that God has a reason for everything.

 

[mykidslovesdisney]

I can totally relate. I have 1 dss and 4 absolutely beautiful dc- all adopted. But somehow I still hurt for the one we never had together. We lost 2 pregnancies years ago. It just seems to hurt more lately. I recently went off the BC and surprisingly my cycles are regular- which they have never been in my entire life. I am 41 and DH is soon to be 56. Each month is hard-- even though we aren't trying. My dr wanted me to get a IUD. I felt that I couldn't do it. I have an attidute that if it happens great but if it doesn't than we had fun.

I have been really bothered about all the news involving all the children being found dead in our country. Totally breaks my heart. Like u those that want soo bad can't have and those that don't are popping them out left and right.

Don't get me wrong I love my dc w/ all my heart but part of it is aching for what is missing.

You can PM me if ud like

 

[tinytreasures]

I totally understand. I think some days are harder then others. I wish I could take the pain away

 

[lakoda]

I'm so sorry. I can truly say that I "get it." Only someone who has experienced infertility can ever really understand. It's not just getting your period every month and feeling a sense of loss, its baby showers, birthday parties, it seems like EVERY woman you know is pregnant, dealing with the "when are you having kids?" questions, etc.
Give yourself permission to be ok with however you may be feeling. Except don't feel guilty. Give yourself permission to grieve. Pity parties are also allowed
And do we have the same sister??

 

[Jazcat]

Hi I am in the same boat as you we adopted twins who are 21 months and are truly God's blessing , But I would have loved a biological one, It has been a hard road for us. My stepsister has had 8 kids and my adopted 2 are 9, and 10 and she is not a good mom doesn't take care of them ect. Every time she would get pregant I would cry. I am sad at times for no biological children but them I think of my kids and have to think that this was the plan for us. Just so info alot of family didn't accept our kids or help us the hardest was my DH stepsister who said I am to busy to see them at the hosp but if they were your;s I would have found time. but you know we are just keep going and everyday remind ourselves of how bleesed we are

 

[Ericandjenng]

Even though I've now successfully had two kids, I have been where you are. Both of my kids are fertility babies. I understand the depression aggravated by the milestones that mean something to you but no one else sees as out of the ordinary. On one occasion, I was once again told fertility treatment had failed the very same day I had an Ethics class that gave abortion statistics. I wish with all my heart I could offer you a miracle and a miracle cure.

One thing I tried at one point when I took a break from the treatments is I spent some time seeing a psychologist. She had not been where I was but had ideas on tools to help me move forward. It also can help to talk to someone who doesn't know you or isn't related to you. Even my DM thought she was being helpful, well-meaning...I not really sure what she thought when she kept telling me to ignore the specialist and just relax.

We were even foster parents to teens for awhile--we stopped when I decided to try one last time to get pregnant. And then when it worked, we did not want to treat our biological child different from other children so we put off getting back into foster care. We still haven't because we returned to the specialist and I didn't want to go through a pregnancy and try to have more than 1 other child at the time. We do have the plans but no specified date to get back into foster care. So I do understand how you can love and take care of foster/adopted children, but there is something that is just different when it's your child.

Realize that it's ok to get upset and depressed, just be careful that it doesn't overwhelm you. Your kids are lucky that you recognize that this bothers you because too many people deny their feelings and tend to lash out those closest to them. Be open with your DH and your doctors. They can help point you in coping directions and be a phenomenal support system. If they are not being supportive, find a new doctor.

If you want to talk more, pm me...my heart truly goes out to you.

 

[bumbershoot]

 

[ToddyLu]

mine isn't a problem of fertitlity, it is the fact that I married a precious wonderful man who did not want children and did not change his mind. He loves me with all his heart, supports me in my career and dotes on me--save that one area. At 30 it was a big issue and I cried and pleaded and he would say, "do it if you need to, then"...I mean who wants to hear it put to them like that. As much as we love each other--he now knows I love him more. I gave up perhaps a wonderful life as a Mom, not him, I loved him enough not to get pregnant. At 36 I was in crisis mode and again no budging. I finally told my Mother, "you cannot put any more pressure on me than I pt on myself". At 40 I needed an endometrial ablation and if done I would not need to get pregnant--period. Now at 42 I am resigned to the choices that I HAVE MADE. I made this choice also. I chose not to trick my DH into getting me pregnant. He trusts me implicately--how could I destroy that.

My brother and his wife have five precious children. I have a wonderful career and in love with my husband and he loves me. It doesn't bother me as much now. I mean yes I occasionally have a pang. But then I get to leave work and do what I want. That may sound selfish. I don't mean it too. It is what it is. But I do understnad the hurt of wanting something so bad you cannot have. My support and admiration go out to each of you who have precious children of your own or someone else's. In the end it just really matters that you loved and were loved back.

 

[Andrew78]

We went through mayny years of treatments and depression beforemy wife recently have birth to twin boys. I can say they were amongst the worst of my life. Even people that go through this have different ways and methods they are willing to go to. I was not open to adopting because that would not have cured our desire to have a baby. We are extremly appreciative after many miscarriages and failed cycles that we have 2 healthy kids.
All of your thoughts are complely normal and while we can't pure your pain, know many people once were, are and in the future will be in your boat. Like another said, one of the best things was just having someone listen , not give advice, but just listen. And we hear you, and support you

 

[h518may]

I understand. I have two great children, both through adoption. I will miss out on the experience of being pregnant. I will never feel them kick from inside. For me it is not so much depression, but the occasional thought that I wish I would just become pregnant(haven't used birth control since 1998).

Now my mind knows I don't really want more children, my two are really enough. But there will always be a thought for what would a biological child be like, who would they look like. And knowing I will never know.

 

[pyrxtc]

I normally wouldn't post this but really no one I know gets it. I really thought I was over this feeling but tomorrow I turn 35 and all I can think about is how dh and I will never have a baby together. We have 3 beautiful children but none biologically ours. I love my kids don't get me wrong. Each of them was an enormous blessing but I feel like dh and I have been cheated. Meanwhile my sister who is not a good mom keeps having babies that she doesn't parent. I can't help but wonder why dh and I can't but ppl who dont want a child get pregnant all the time. I am starting to wonder if I will ever truly get over this.

I'm sorry you had /have to go through that. My DSis is going through it now and still trying.

I don't think it matters if you have had your own children or not, I will be 35 this year and have there bio children and a wonderful DSD but still wonder/want one more. I am very glad to be able to have had children but still long for more... the unknown.

 

[koolaidmoms]

I too understand. In fact I was in WDW when I finally came to the decision that I could give up trying to have a child, after 4-5 years for crying inconsolably every Mother's Day, when ever I saw a teen-mom, or Christmas.

I recently went back to the Children's Wishing Well near Cinderella's Castle to take a picture of my two children next to it. That was were I was standing when I came to the decision. I take it out whenever I am "blue" and remind myself that if I hadn't done this these two would not be part of my life. Doesn't always help me in mourning what I missed but they do bring me great joy and I need to be reminded of that from time to time when I get down.

To you.

 

[3pletprincesses]

hang in there :grouphugs: I know it's not easy, I had to deal with infertility for years.

 

[tlbwriter]

Hey, don't feel bad for being down. Not being able to have the child you wanted to have is a loss. And just like any other loss, it's going to come to the front sometimes. You wouldn't feel like you were throwing a "pity party" if you suddenly missed a deceased parent or friend, would you?

 

[sl_underwood]

Thank you all for being here. It truly helps hearing from others who have dealt with this. For several years I havent thought about it but then someone made a comment yesterday that made me think. Their comment was about menopause and I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I never really gave up the dream of having a baby with dh. There are so many expierences we have missed out on. We never got to feel a kick or discuss baby names or look at the child we created and see parts of each other in them. It's easy to joke about how we skipped the diapers and bottles but we have missed out on a lot. I am sure my feelings are stronger because my oldest is heading to college soon and my 14 year old has began to pull away like all healthy teens do. Plus my sis is pregnant again and I have this constant reminder. I am so grateful to have my kids. I could not imagine life without them. Last night dh and I discussed 1 more round of invitro but I don't know if I can go through the disappointment again or the worry that we will miscarry. Thanks again for listening. It really helps to know someone else out there gets it. I feel so selfish when I can't share in my friends joy or become envious and I hate pity parties. I rarely allow myself to have one. I know I am lucky to have the children I do and I thank God everyday.