OT- Hubby driving me NUTS

[daleswife]

This is kind of what I was thinking. My DH was a caring, loving partner before we had children and a caring, loving partner AND father afterwards.

I'm not trying to be rude but why did some of you have a second child with someone who wasn't providing the support you needed. I mean you may have been surprised by your partner's "self-focus" with baby #1 but with each child thereafter you knew what you were getting into.

I guess I just don't understand why people choose a situation and then complain about their choice.

Why did I have a second child with him? Because I love him and we wanted another. I am very grateful that he actually works cause he could be like my sorry BIL who won't work and support my sister and their three kids. He insists that I stay home and take care of the kids which I dont mind doing. I think the reason that its so stressful is because I lived here for 6 months without him (he didnt have a job here and had to keep his in NC until he found one) and everything was on me. I didnt even have a moment peace cause i was with them 24/7. Hes here now and he does watch the kids. I did go to Gatlinburg this past weekend with my sister, cousin, and mom and it was wonderful to have that time, but I still worried every second I was gone. I just wanted to vent and now im better. Thanks for all the support!!!

 

[Frankiesmom]

I hear you OP! My Dh works 6 days a week and 4 of those are 12 hour shifts- I also cut and weedwhack the lawn play mad pool chemist and tend the garden and all the laundry for 5 people and let's not forget the pool towels! My kids are 16, 6, and 3. DD 16 is a brat! My 6 year old Ds is mildly autistic and my DS 3 is such a little lovey! But, I know exactly where you are coming from! I have to do everything and be everyone's best friend/problem solver all the time! I even have to take the garbage to the curb and all the bill paying- investing etc. Grocery shopping, and semi mecanic- I have to remember when HIS truck needs an oil change or the tires rotated and an inspection etc- so I got a blackberry and everything-calendar, emails etc are all in 1 place. I really love my DH and appreciate his hard work so I can stay home with our beautiful brats! LOL But sometimes it wears on you!

 

[pigletto]

It has been a learning curve for us... but these situations used to cause so much resentment in our house so I completely understand.
These days I have very little to complain about in that department.. we balance eachother out pretty well but it took a long time to get there.
My mom on the other hand worked full time as the head nurse of E.R. while we were growing up.. went to school part time .. and had SIX KIDS.
And my father has never changed a diaper that I can recall
He is a great dad.. but I can not believe he got away with that.

 

[vcgirl925]

Have you talked to him about it? Maybe he doesn't get it. It's hard to know what the other person is thinking until you ask. Maybe you both feel underappreciated and overworked...kwim?

 

[daleswife]

Have you talked to him about it? Maybe he doesn't get it. It's hard to know what the other person is thinking until you ask. Maybe you both feel underappreciated and overworked...kwim?

yes we talk constantly. thats why we are still married. however, he is who he is and Im lucky to have him. He's just one of those guys who think its the womans place to take care of the kids. His dad is the same way. My dad is too. Just how we were raised here in good ol' WV!!! LOL....

 

[mom2aredhead]

Just a thought...

Sometimes when the wife is a SAHM and the husband works full time, the husband tries to do something with the kids like a bath or dinner, but he "doesn't do it right" or "makes a mess" or "takes too long".

I found myself doing that early on with my husband - if he didn't do things EXACTLY the way I did then it was "wrong" and I would criticize, so he didn't want to do anything. I had to let go of my inner control freak...it's OK if dinner happens a little earlier or later, or if lunch gets skipped sometimes. It's OK if the clothes get washed in cold instead of hot. Waffles and a banana will do no harm when eaten for dinner instead of breakfast.

I learned to pick my battles by basically using the "will this be important in kindergarten" rule. Safety, manners, health - yes, very important. Waffles for dinner once in a blue moon - not so much. I guess my suggestion to anyone with non-helping spouses is to make sure you're not discouraging them because they don't do things "right" - doing something different doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong.

 

[sk!mom]

Just a thought...

Sometimes when the wife is a SAHM and the husband works full time, the husband tries to do something with the kids like a bath or dinner, but he "doesn't do it right" or "makes a mess" or "takes too long".

I found myself doing that early on with my husband - if he didn't do things EXACTLY the way I did then it was "wrong" and I would criticize, so he didn't want to do anything. I had to let go of my inner control freak...it's OK if dinner happens a little earlier or later, or if lunch gets skipped sometimes. It's OK if the clothes get washed in cold instead of hot. Waffles and a banana will do no harm when eaten for dinner instead of breakfast.

I learned to pick my battles by basically using the "will this be important in kindergarten" rule. Safety, manners, health - yes, very important. Waffles for dinner once in a blue moon - not so much. I guess my suggestion to anyone with non-helping spouses is to make sure you're not discouraging them because they don't do things "right" - doing something different doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong.

Very good point! I know that I was sometimes guilty of this with our first child and sometimes in the early years with household tasks as well. I came to realize that "my way" was not "the right way."

It didn't take long before I learned to embrace any and all contributions to keeping this family running. Now anytime anyone wants to take on a task around here they can complete it with no instructions from me- thanks maybe but no instructions unless they ask.

 

[mom2aredhead]

I have laugh at my husband and son - now that he's a little older, when I ask them why they're doing something a certain way he'll tell me (with some coaching from his dad) "Because that's how we roll". Coming from a 4 year old, it's pretty funny!

 

[iheartdisney]

I'm about halfway through The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbandsby Dr. Laura, and I think it should be required reading before you can apply for a marriage license!
I have lightened up after 8 years of marriage and 3 kids. Honestly, the small stuff isn't worth it. Neither is venting. There is a saying that "Letting of steam produces more heat than light", and it is true! When I used to get upset about Dh in the early parenting stage, it would roll around inside my mind until I was ready to pop! And soon I realized that it was hurting no one but me! Taking care of my children is my responsibility and even better, my PRIVELAGE! My husband's job is no cake walk, and he deserves my appriciation and respect for what he does, not get jumped on the minute he comes home. Enough of that, and he won't want to come home!
I'm through getting upset that he put the good cooking utensils away in the wrong drawer. It will take me 30 seconds to correct. The point is, he did the dishes! Same theory as above- enough *****ing that its not done right, and it won't get done at all.
Seriously, check out that book, it will totally change your outlook!

 

[ToddyLu]

Yep when you stop criticising and say "thanks for making the great tuna salad" ( tonight's supper) it is so much easier. We both work and do not have children. He has time off as a Firefighter (then works PT)and I work M-F from 8:00--til. It all boils down to love and devotion, and if you are married to a wonderful friend---priceless.

Keep up the good work folks, more happy people in the world helps....

 

[LuvMickey36]

I can so relate to this topic! I stayed home from the time I was preggo until my ds was about 3.5 yrs old. I didn't mind doing all the household stuff then. DH did not help out @ all. He would come home & sit down & veg out in front of the TV. He actually made a comment when ds was about 4months old & I needed him to hold him so I could go do something like fold clothes that I was pushing him on him.

When I went back to work part-time in the evenings. My dh only had to feed him & put him to bed. I normally had a crockpot dinner for them. Nothing was cleaned up when I got home.

The tide has now shifted. DH started his own business earlier this yr. It is not going nearly as well as hoped. I am still working my 25hrs a week, but now I am working more than him. He is more mistermom than me.

I have decided to go full time since ds is starting K in a few weeks. I think I might give him a taste of his own medicine the first few weeks I am full time.
I know it is not nice, but he always harped on the fact that he worked more so I had to do it all. I admit its petty, but man will it feel good to prove a point.

 

[RadioFanatic]

I feel your pain - I'm NOT a SAHM and I still seem to do everything. He lounges, I cook, take care of DS 5months, clean, laundry - the only thing I don't do is major cleaning b/c we have someone come every other week - but dh says I don't do that much b/c of cleaner - HELLO, you think everything stays immaculate b/w visits- I don't think so! I also do all diaper changes, dr. visits, pick up and drop off to daycare - yes I know I do it to myself, but if I don't do it, it doesn't get done. I've tried the not doing it thing, but he really outlasts me on it.