OT - Going to work or stay-at-home mom??!!

[mom2aredhead]

As others have said, there is no right answer, and it will probably only be a matter of time before the "Mommy Wars" start up, so be prepared (but I hope not). No one is going to come here and tell you "I stayed home and boy do I regret it" or "I chose to work even though I didn't have to and it was the worst decision ever." Unfortunately this ends up being one of those issues that gets people all up in arms to defend their decision as the right one by telling someone else that theirs was the wrong one.

Me, personally, I was home the first year, worked full time for a while, then went part time. Of the 3, working part time worked out the best for me. I have an income, but less in child care expenses since I am working less hours. I get to have plenty of adult interaction, I feel fulfilled and accomplished, and in the event that I decide to go back to work full time, I have a resume that can show my stable work history and professional experience with very few gaps to explain. And at the same time, I am still home with my son enough that I'm able to enjoy my time with him at the park/zoo/beach/museum/movies, as well as just being home and available to him while he is young. I honestly did not enjoy being home full time OR working full time so working part time, for me, has given me and our family a really good balance.

Looking forward a few years when your child is in school, working those hours would probably be ideal, so it would be good if you could lock in that schedule now...although clearly there are no guarantees that it would remain that long.

I am in the HR/Recruiting/Placement field, and I can tell you that regardless what people say, it is very difficult to just come back into most careers after you've been away for a few years. No, its not fair, and yes the time spent at home raising children is just as valuable. But the reality is that if you are gone from the workforce for a long period of time, you will essentially need to start over from the bottom and work your way back up, assuming someone even gives you the chance to start over. So depending on your field, it's something to consider.

I wish you luck and happiness with whatever decision you make...

 

[adventure_woman]

I think this is totally a personal decision. I went to college - have 2 degrees. I had a job I liked. I knew that I would have to work after DD was born - financially we couldn't do it. Then my DD was born. I had never felt love like that. I took 3 months off on FMLA. Starting at about half way through, I cried everynight because I couldn't bear the thought of leaving her (and my MOM was the one to watch her during the day!). I had to go back to work (we had to have insurance, that was the only way). For 5 LONG MONTHS I had to work FT and only see my DD from 5:30-7:30 during the week. It killed me. I sobbed every night. Finally I found a PT job in the evening with benefits. THen a few months ago, I lost that job and have been home FT with my DD. I have never regretted it.

Lesson - I think it depends on how YOU are. I too, couldn't bear the thought of missing watching my DD grow, learn, and become her own little person. I figure I can always work later in life, but this is time I will never never get back. I give props to all moms that can do it, I just wasn't emotionally strong enough.

 

[scootch]

I gave up my $60,000 a year job to be a SAHM. The best decision I ever made. My oldest is now 9 and I still love it. I lost my dear neice at the tender age of 21 a couple years ago. Time is too short, no money could ever replace the love I have gotten the past 9 years. Good luck on your decision.

 

[Madzac]

Its such a tough decision, isnt it? Especially when they are so very young, you just want to be with them as much as possible!

I worked full time after my oldest was born for the first 9 months and then couldnt do it anymore. I missed her terribly. I went to a part time job that was three days a week. This was much better! i felt like I got to do what I love,support our family, but more importantly be with my kids more. This was better than full time, but honestly it was still hard! I still missed my kids. And when they were sick or we had snow days, it was so difficult to figure out how to cover it. a little over a year ago, I cut back more to 20 hours a week. I work Sat and Sun days and Mon nights. We eliminated daycare and all the stresses I was having with that. I am with the kids all week, able to get DD off the bus, take DS4 to preschool. I dont get worried if someone is sick or the weather is bad. And they are always with either DH or I.

For ME, if I could afford it, I would totally be at home. But this really is the best of both worlds at this point. is there anyway you could negotiate further? Could you do three days? Or do part of the time from home? Trial period for 6 months and then see how you both feel? It might help you if you didnt have to make such a big leap all at once.

 

[dyna]

I never felt I was missing anything by staying home with mine but then I got married had babies right out of high school DH always wanted me home so I been home for over 30 yrs now. Youngest just graduated high school this may.

 

[Mommy2Julia&Brynn]

You should probaly try it out and see how it feels. I'm a former teacher and current SAHM. The money I was making wouldn't even pay for two kids in daycare, supplies for my classroom, gas money, and the extra doctor bills from kids being in daycare. I stayed home with my first for 8 months, went back to work, and hated every second of it. My job was no longer fun or rewarding to me knowing my heart was somewhere else. From the second I found out I was pregnant when my other DD, I KNEW I'd be staying home. She was born during spring break 2008, and I never went back. Our budget is stretched, and my retirement is almost non-existant. We are comfortable, but we don't incur huge expenses, but (obviously) we're still able to do fun things like family vacations . I will not lie, there are days that I am exhausted and want adult conversation, but the way I see it, these years are not about me. It's about us, our family. When I need adult conversation, I meet up for a playdate. My kids will be in school soon enough, and I'm keeping up my certification through PLUs. One day I might go back. I might not. As for losing my identity, I didn't...my identity has changed because I'm a mommy now. There are so many pros and cons to both sides, but good luck making the decision!

 

[Baloosgirl23]

Thank you ladies!!! I knew that if I posted something here, I would get great and honest feedback -- exactly what I was looking for DH and I are still discussing what is best for us. I know it's such a personal decision and I thank you all for sharing your stories. It's just nice to know that I'm not the only mom who has had to make this extremely difficult decision!!! I think I'm leaning towards trying it out for a while and then making the choice. That way I can still make some extra $$$ (for Disney vacations, of course!) but still have some devoted DD time too. After next week, I'll post again and let you know the final verdict... Thanks again everyone, it was really helpful to hear from all of you!!!

 

[disney_family_1247]

Your daughter will only be this young once, but you can find another job in the future .

To our family, it has been totally worth the monetary sacrifice for our kids to have me be home with them. If you choose to work more, it won't make you a terrible person and a bad mother, but you will be giving up something. I have found that some working moms deny that fact; denying something doesn't make it false. Weigh your options and make your decision with a clear sense of the pros and cons, and you will be happier for it!

 

[tam626]

They are only little for a short time & we can never go back. Job opportunities will come along again. Do what your heart is telling you to do.

 

[JaimeK]

I work 3 full days a week and I think it's a PERFECT schedule. I have extra days home with my two little boys - we get to do playdates and go to play museums and zoos and all those fun things. But I also have my 3 days where I go to work, use my brain more, have a lunch break to myself and get to use the bathroom in peace! On those days they both go to daycare and I think it's good for them too. I love finding out things my older son has learned without me. He comes home singing songs I didn't teach him and it's so cute. It's also nice that I'm not 100% responsible for their early education. My 3 year old knows his left and right, it never occurred to me to teach him that!

I would try out the 4 days/week. You can always quit but you may not be able to get the same job again.

 

[RMulieri]

I stayed working. I was fortunate though..I am a nurse and I work 2-3 night shifts per week and I make my own schedule.If I had not worked the past 5 years , for me it would have been alot harder to get back into nursing..Things change alot in the medical field in just a short time.Maybe when she is older i will go back Full-time, but my husband does not want me to, nor do I need to since I make good money those 2-3 nights.

 

[kaismahma]

In June I found out that my positon was going to be eliminated. I work full-time. I was offered an alternative postion with in the company doing something that is totally not HR related. I did a test run for a couple of days in that department and decided it was not for me. My last day is next Thursday and I have to say that I am so excited to be able to stay home with my DD. We are going to take a bit of a pay cut with my new job, but I think it is so worth it. I have our belts tightened a bit but in my heart I know it is the right thing to do. She has one more year home before she starts school and I want to spend that time with her. They are only young once. If you can afford it stay home I would do it.

 

[Fintastic]

I can see both sides to this coin. I've wanted to SAH ever since we had DD, but since I had the benefits, I went back to work when she was six weeks old. This time around we're trying to decide if I should stay home for a year with the new baby or go back to work. There are pros and cons to both.

Pros to working: more money, obviously; possibly better benefits; less financial stress on the one spouse who works; easier to contribute to retirement; better for the family if the other spouse loses their job; kids get to go to daycare and spend time around other kids (DD *loves* her daycare).

There are cons to working, too. It's hard to juggle two full-time jobs and a family. For DD's entire life, whenever she's sick enough to stay home from daycare, DH and I fight about whose turn it is to stay home with her. Both of us want to, but sometimes neither of us CAN, and we have to figure out who's going to annoy their boss the least by calling in. Also, it's a pain in the butt to be up at 10 PM running laundry because that's the only time you have to do it, or to have to schedule all your appointments around your lunch hour, or do to your grocery shopping during peak times like after work when everybody else is doing theirs.

Part-time seems like a good compromise. You get to work and keep your resume updated without any big breaks, but you're not working ALL the time.

 

[May05 preemie mom]

I think being a stay at home mom is great and think all moms should be able to do that, but with the state of today's economy there is no way I'd do it unless I had to. If you work 30 hours a week, will you be able to cover daycare and still bring home a good paycheck? When my dd was born, that was the plan that I would stay home but good paying jobs are hard to come by so I went back to work part time. On my days off I kept my dd home with me and we bonded and she is doing great. And bit by bit I increased my hours, plus my dd goes to daycare at my job so seeing her for breakfast and lunch is super convenient.

My suggestion is to try out your new schedule meaning the 30 hours for a month or 2 and see how you feel and see how your daughter is doing in daycare. And then if you still feel strongly that you need to be home then quit. You might find out that working those hours gives you just the right amount of balance and if not then maybe you can re-work less hours out with your boss. It's easier to quit a job than find one if you need it, most of the time.

 

[MiniGirl]

I'm a SAHM, and it has been great. I do not regret leaving my job in anyway whatsoever. However, just because that is what has been best for my family does not mean that is what is best for yours. I think it is great that your dh will support you regardless of what you decide, but I would try to see if he does have any thoughts one way or the other. After all, your decision affects him, too.

The extra money is alway great, and in many cases, necessary. The time with your children though is precious as well. Good luck with your decision.

 

[CJ's Mommy]

I am a SAHM. Fortunately we have been able to swing it financially. However, I do have some friends that have had to go back to work. I gave them this piece of advice regarding "missing the firsts":

Tell the day care provider/grandma/babysitter or whomever NOT TO TELL YOU when they do a first. Then when he inevitably does it for a second or third time in front of you, you will feel like you saw his "first".

Now, some people may think this is ridiculous, but honestly I think it spares the heartache of being told you missed your son's first steps/word/roll over.

FWIW, as I stated I am a SAHM and my second child has done practically every first when I left him with his aunt or DH. We took older DS to the Radio City Xmas Spectacular and DS crawled for the first time with my sister, his aunt. I NEVER leave this child, and the first time....anyway. Another time I left him with DH to go to my yearly gyno visit and he said he first word...ball.

Had these people NOT told me these things, I would have never known I missed them! I would have just believed I witnessed the first the next time he did it.

Good luck with your decision!

 

[1hero2princesses]

You know the answer, whatever it is. It is too personal for others advice. I choose to stay at home. Time doesn't go in reverse and I knew I could never get their young ages back. We don't have a lot of money, there are things we don't have... but when I am old (my mom is 82 and in poor health) am I going to look back and remember my kids childhood or my new car? That is how I answered my own questions. You need to find your own answer.

 

[bunny]

On the flip side, when you are 82 years old are you still going to be working or living on social security or are you going to be traveling or enjoying your retirement? There are a lot of elderly people living in poverty because they didn't save enough for their retirements. My grandmother lives on less than $1,000 per month. She stayed at home when her kids were little and then started working about age 45. Even though she worked for 25 years, she doesn't have much saved. Fortunately she is very frugal, but she depends on her children to pick up the slack.