OT: DD has to change schools

[tiki23]

Our DD, 13, is angry and heartbroken by turns - I don't know how to help her - even if she wanted my help right now!

We moved in November of 2005 but agreed to drive all 3 of the kids for the remainder of the school year to their old school district. After much discussion, it was decided that we would continue to drive DD to school this year too, so she could spend her 8th grade year with her friends - the boys now go to the high school in our current district.

The heat is really on right now because it is the time of year when you need to put in requests for out-of-district.

Of course, she doesn't want to listen to all of the reasons why we won't drive her anymore and vows up and down that she would get up everyday at 5:30 in time to catch the city bus!

I know this may not seem like much of a problem compared with a lot of other family issues out there, but it breaks my heart to see my DD heartbroken over not being with her friends...and because she won't even talk to me right now.

I know this will pass eventually, but I think the next year is going to be really hard. I guess I'm just asking for some insight from any of you that have had to deal with a young teens loss of friends and starting in a school where they don't know anyone.

Thanks!

 

[Merriwind]

My DD is only 9, but we have moved a couple of times. It's great that you're close to your old home, that could help DD stay involved with her old friends. Does she participate in any activities that are not tied to school--dance, regional children's theater, town sports, scouting, church groups, etc? If so, I would definitely encourage her to stick with those activities. Otherwise, try to arrange time for weekend get-togethers with old friends. Has she made new friends by your house who she could get to know better before starting her new school?

Hugs to you--she is probably going to be angry for a while. Good luck to you all.

Small world--my cousins grew up in Des Moines and we were there many times; my grandmother lived on Lake Tapps in Sumner. One cousin still lives in Auburn. I love your part of the world!!

 

[addicted_to_WDW]

I went to 3 different high schools. Switching the first time was a bit traumatic, but I learned that if I gave it a couple of weeks I'd find a place to fit in. Moving the 2nd time was no biggie.

Your daughter is angry and hurt, but she also needs to know that she doesn't have a say in this. After anger comes (eventually) acceptance.

My son went into a magnet program after elementary school and knew no one at his new middle school. No problem. I have a feeling that the same thing may happen when he starts high school, but he doesn't seem to be afraid that he won't make new friends. He said recently, "I don't even think I'd like the kids I hung out with when I was little." I asked him why and he said something to the effect that they are all different now and would choose other people to be with.

Change can be a really good thing.

 

[Hannathy]

I need to be sure I am understanding something. Are you close enough to the other school that she could catch a city bus and go there? If the answer is yes why can't she do that? She isn't a little kid and if it is that important to her I'd let her do it. Thousands of city kids do that everyday. Is the transportation the only reason, if it is and a city bus will do it I'd let her. I would have her try it on a weekday that she doesn't have school just to be sure what it entails, or let her be late to school one morning to try it out, before all decisions are made.

If there are more reasons than just the bus,then she will get along after a bit. My DD went to HS this year after being in a magnet school and really only knew about 5 kids out of a thousand. She is doing ok but still says how much she misses all the kids and wishes the program had lasted thru HS and not just 8th gr. Sometimes she is pretty sad over it.

 

[Monkeyfeet]

I need to be sure I am understanding something. Are you close enough to the other school that she could catch a city bus and go there? If the answer is yes why can't she do that? She isn't a little kid and if it is that important to her I'd let her do it. Thousands of city kids do that everyday. Is the transportation the only reason, if it is and a city bus will do it I'd let her. I would have her try it on a weekday that she doesn't have school just to be sure what it entails, or let her be late to school one morning to try it out, before all decisions are made.

If there are more reasons than just the bus,then she will get along after a bit. My DD went to HS this year after being in a magnet school and really only knew about 5 kids out of a thousand. She is doing ok but still says how much she misses all the kids and wishes the program had lasted thru HS and not just 8th gr. Sometimes she is pretty sad over it.

I agree with this. When I had just turned 14 we moved and I had to change high schools. I am 32 now and I still remember how hard it was. Kids form "their group" quite often in junior high and it is really hard to start hs w/out being in one. I mean it is REALLY hard. That is an emotional time with hormonal changes for a girl on top of it.

I also totally disagree with not giving her a say. It is her school "career" afterall. Kids at this age need to fell as though they have some sense of control in their lives.

 

[addicted_to_WDW]

I also totally disagree with not giving her a say. It is her school "career" afterall. Kids at this age need to fell as though they have some sense of control in their lives.

I just don't get this. If dad or mom was transferred would you sit down and let the kid decide whether the family should move because the kid wants to stay with her friends? Of course not. The parents call the shots, and do what they can to make the transition for the child as easy as possible.

 

[Schmeck]

Having older siblings in the same school would make it an easier transition than I had as an only child. We moved 3 times between my 3rd grade and 9th grade years. The last move made me very frustrated, as I had finally gotten comfortable with a great group of kids, and was headed to our town's brand new high school, enrolled in honor classes, etc. Then we moved, and I was dumped into a rundown junior high, where I proceeded to try to flunk out of school to get back at my parents. I chose some rather unsavory kids to be friendly with too. I never made any real friends those last four years, I'm not in contact with any of them, and I don't attend reunions.

Do your older sons have any friends with sisters that could help your daughter get familiar with her new school?

 

[Monkeyfeet]

I just don't get this. If dad or mom was transferred would you sit down and let the kid decide whether the family should move because the kid wants to stay with her friends? Of course not. The parents call the shots, and do what they can to make the transition for the child as easy as possible.

I think part of making that transition easier for the child is not relaying to her this message:

Your daughter is angry and hurt, but she also needs to know that she doesn't have a say in this.

I feel that showing her that you ARE listening and do respect her feelings, will help her more. Just saying, "You are hurt, oh well, you have no say in this" demonstrates to her that she has absolutely no control in her life right now. The OP could sit with her and go over options, such as doing an activity of some sort in her old neighborhood once a week, letting her try the city bus and see how that goes if it really is realalistic, etc.

 

[addicted_to_WDW]

I feel that showing her that you ARE listening and do respect her feelings, will help her more. Just saying, "You are hurt, oh well, you have no say in this" demonstrates to her that she has absolutely no control in her life right now. The OP could sit with her and go over options, such as doing an activity of some sort in her old neighborhood once a week, letting her try the city bus and see how that goes if it really is realalistic, etc.

Good morning Monkeyfeet.

I'd handle it like this, "Sweetie, I know that this is hard for you, but when we moved your father and I decided that you are going to xxx school. All of the arguing in the world isn't going to change our decision. Let's try to make the best of it."

I think that the trend of getting the kids involved in parental decisions has really gone too far. Some kids need to be reminded that they really aren't in charge and that when they become adults they can do whatever they want. Give and take is good, to a point. It's good for kids to express their opinions, but it is bad to let them think that they get to call the shots.

My son will be 13 in a few weeks, and while I hate for him to be upset I don't insulate him from life's disappointments.

 

[QueenGoblin]

We had to move when I was in High School. For me it had to be a "clean break" from Maryland to Missouri and it was extremely difficult for me to make friends at the new school because it was one of those areas where everyone grew up together and I was a shy kid on top of it. I definately was not happy for the rest of my HS career, even though I didn't blame my parents or resent them as people for it.

While some decisions need to be made for the good of the family as a whole, it isn't unreasonable to sit down with your daughter and talk about things you can do as a family to make this easier for her. Just the fact that you are willing to talk with her about it and let her come to some of her own conclusions will probably help. Maybe you can make a commitment to her about seeing her old friends on a regular basis and work out a plan as to how to make sure it happens. Maybe you could gently point out that she will be expanding her circle of friends, since the distance won't prohibit seeing her old friends regularly, and she can introduce new people into her core group.

But I would stay away from the "we're the parents, suck it up" response. That's just going to make her angrier. Just my 2 pennies.

 

[DVCLiz]

My daughter went to a K-8 school, so she knew she would be "breaking up" with her friends. She was one of a group of 6 who had been Best Friends since first grade.

Everyone went to different schools, and she made new friends almost immediately. The people who are most important to her today are her high school friends, and she didn't know any of them in 8th grade. You might tell your daughter that most people change their groups of friends when these natural breaks occur, and that she is getting ready to meet people who will be important to her for her whole life.

And I agree that it should be an adult decision. You can tell her you understand she is sad, but go ahead and make the decision, enroll her where she needs to be, and be done with it.

 

[Hannathy]

I totally understand not putting children in charge but I still don't understand why this child has to be put through this disruption if the school can be reached by a bus or even 2. I would never do this to my child if it was possible to arrange for her to go to her old school. People can adapt to any thing they have to but I don't understand why she has to. And I feel when a child reaches high school parents should have the respect to include, not make, but include a child this old in major decisions. Our Minister accepted a new church across the country and his son who is a senior decided with the families blessing to stay here with another family to finish high school. Would his family have preferred he go with them probably but they understood and worked together to find this solution. Why be so hard nosed with your children.

 

[meandtheguys2]

Expanding a teenager's world is hardly hard-nosed, IMO. Life is full of change, learning to make the most of it is a positive. Teaching our kids to adapt to change is also a good thing. In 4 years she may be heading off to college. The skills she learns in meeting new people, making new friends, and accepting change will only serve her well.

Were she a Senior, maybe I would think differently, but to allow such foolishness now, means a committment for the next four years. Or you are looking at the same issue each year.

 

[addicted_to_WDW]

Why be so hard nosed with your children.

I don't really consider it being hard nosed. In my mind, it's telling them that new situations arise and they can't cling to the old ones in fear or because that's what they, in their limited life experience, prefer.

I read the OP to mean that the family moved over a year ago and agreed to allow the kids to finish the school year. Then, out of the goodness of their hearts, they agreed to one more year so their daughter could finish middle school. All good, but this is the perfect time to make such a break.

eta...I wouldn't force such a move on a senior, but someone who hasn't even started high school? Absolutely.

 

[hollyb]

Why now are you changing and not wanting to drive her anymore? That is your job as a parent. If she is doing well in school and has friends, why make her change now? If she goes to a new school, are you ready for it, if she starts failing classes, hanging out with a bad crowd, depression? I don't think driving her should be a problem.

 

[addicted_to_WDW]

Why now are you changing and not wanting to drive her anymore? That is your job as a parent. If she is doing well in school and has friends, why make her change now? If she goes to a new school, are you ready for it, if she starts failing classes, hanging out with a bad crowd, depression? I don't think driving her should be a problem.

What? It is our jobs as parents to drive our little special darlings to the school of their choice, no matter that it is in a different school district, and if we don't cave into their demands it is our fault when our kids spiral into drugs, sex, and rock and roll?

 

[meandtheguys2]

That is right, she may become a juvenile delinquent because you are too lazy to drive her cross town every day....

I'm glad my children are not so fragile!

 

[Whosemom]

How are the older kids doing? How do the academics compare? How do the extracuriculars that are important to you compare (music program, etc)? How closely matched are the schedules? These are the things a kid doesn't consider. Just "I WANT MY FRIENDS."

I'd lay money Hollyb is pretty young.

 

[robsmom]

To me the question is why did you move. The answer to that would drive my decision. Since you are close enough to drive her, I will assume that it was not a job transfer to force you to move and that the move was voluntary so to speak. Did you move the new district expecting better school? If yes and your daughters concerns are really just social I would help her make the best of it and put her in the better school. But if you moved for other reasons (larger house, etc.) and the old school is better (or as good) than the new, i would consider letting her stay. I do agree that parents are in charge, and i know that sometimes people move and have to change schools due to job or family issues. I also think that disrupting a teenager socially can impact them academically and i would not do so without a compelling reason. Finally, do you like you daughters current friends or do you think it would be better for her to find new ones. Do you think the kids in the new school will be a better or worse influence on her.

 

[Hannathy]

I consider the saying you'll do it just because I'm the parent and I say so to be hard nosed. I agree that parents have to make the final decision but I still think that teenagers are old enough to deserve the respect to have their input into a final major decision. and to not include them "just because I am the parent" is hard nosed.

I drove my DD for 4 yrs daily across town so she could go to a magnet school for the highly gifted and when other neighbors questioned that they wouldn't drive their kids I simply asked, Did you drive your child to preschool and not think anything of it? why is this any different?