OT:Crazy family feud

[TheLittleRoo]

Wait a minute... so, SIL and MIL and your DN live together about an hour from you. SIL took a second job from 5pm-2am to pay the bills. SIL and MIL work full time together during the day, and MIL doesn't drive.

So, what is the problem with MIL watching her grandson from 5pm to bedtime, say 8:30? They both go to bed, what's the big deal? Why on earth did she come up with the notion that going to your house via commuting with SIL roundtrip nightly was necessary? What purpose does it even serve?

Is MIL trying to get out of babysitting? Did she agree to it before and is changing her mind now? Why is that your problem, I say.

Maybe is she lonely? Maybe she doesn't have the energy to watch him every single night and could use one night off or something? There has to be more to it than concocting the brilliant idea of hanging out at your house every night until 2am. That's ridicerous!

I'll tell you what, the only thing I would offer as an occasional treat would be to watch DN one night every couple of weeks to give MIL a break. And that would be with the expectation that SIL would watch my kids to give me a break in return. Reciprocity, baby.

 

[minniebeth]

It's exactly what others' have said...they are making their problems your problems. Your duty is to your immediate family and it is nice to be able to be supportive and helpful within reason to extended family. This is not a reasonable situation.
It is really hard to do, but stick to your gut feeling on this. If it won't work, it won't work and they will have to accept it. Not like it, but accept it.
Don't let it come between you and your DH. He'll come around. It's hard for spouses to be put in the middle of their immediate and extended families, but I'm sure once the emotion is taken out of the immediate situation, he'll understand.
Family is a challenge many of us can relate to....

 

[lovinpoohbear]

The reason why is because MIL doesn't drive, doesn't know how to. SIL doesn't have "time" to drive her one hour away to her home and than back down here to start her nightjob.
I say the solution to this ordeal is for SIL to get a different job up where she lives, this way she drives up there, drops off MIL and Dn and than goes to work. I suggested this to SIL and she says She doesn't want to do that because "she really likes where she is working.' Give me a break!!
BTW, she is working a minimum pay job at a supermarket!! There are tons of supermarkets up where she lives.
They are not coming here but I am still in shock of this idea.

 

[lovinpoohbear]

It's exactly what others' have said...they are making their problems your problems. Your duty is to your immediate family and it is nice to be able to be supportive and helpful within reason to extended family. This is not a reasonable situation.
It is really hard to do, but stick to your gut feeling on this. If it won't work, it won't work and they will have to accept it. Not like it, but accept it.
Don't let it come between you and your DH. He'll come around. It's hard for spouses to be put in the middle of their immediate and extended families, but I'm sure once the emotion is taken out of the immediate situation, he'll understand.
Family is a challenge many of us can relate to....

Thank you for your kind words. Yes, DH will come around, I am just so upset, we never argue like this!! DH doesn't like to be in conflict with them, they are the type of people that if they don't get their way or win, they hold a grudge and won't speak to you for like 6 months. My other SIL isn't talking to me because we went to Disney over spring break and we missed her daughters birthday party. I gave her a gift card and a card prior to our trip. A month later it is my DS birthday and she leaves a message on my machine that since I didn't make it to her daughters party, than she cannot make it to mine. Also, she added that her daughter really didn't need a $50 TRU giftcard, a giftcard to purchase clothing would have been better. THese people really need to grow up!!

 

[sunnyday123]

The reason why is because MIL doesn't drive, doesn't know how to. SIL doesn't have "time" to drive her one hour away to her home and than back down here to start her nightjob.
I say the solution to this ordeal is for SIL to get a different job up where she lives, this way she drives up there, drops off MIL and Dn and than goes to work. I suggested this to SIL and she says She doesn't want to do that because "she really likes where she is working.' Give me a break!!
BTW, she is working a minimum pay job at a supermarket!! There are tons of supermarkets up where she lives.
They are not coming here but I am still in shock of this idea.

she won't get another job closer, she's got somebody keeping her entertained at this new job.....

Thank you for your kind words. Yes, DH will come around, I am just so upset, we never argue like this!! DH doesn't like to be in conflict with them, they are the type of people that if they don't get their way or win, they hold a grudge and won't speak to you for like 6 months. My other SIL isn't talking to me because we went to Disney over spring break and we missed her daughters birthday party. I gave her a gift card and a card prior to our trip. A month later it is my DS birthday and she leaves a message on my machine that since I didn't make it to her daughters party, than she cannot make it to mine. Also, she added that her daughter really didn't need a $50 TRU giftcard, a giftcard to purchase clothing would have been better. THese people really need to grow up!!

good gravy. good luck dealing with these people. they would never speak to me again, probably including DH.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Thank you for your kind words. Yes, DH will come around, I am just so upset, we never argue like this!! DH doesn't like to be in conflict with them, they are the type of people that if they don't get their way or win, they hold a grudge and won't speak to you for like 6 months. My other SIL isn't talking to me because we went to Disney over spring break and we missed her daughters birthday party. I gave her a gift card and a card prior to our trip. A month later it is my DS birthday and she leaves a message on my machine that since I didn't make it to her daughters party, than she cannot make it to mine. Also, she added that her daughter really didn't need a $50 TRU giftcard, a giftcard to purchase clothing would have been better. THese people really need to grow up!!

I would have cut my losses a long time ago! Good luck dealing with them. Don't back down-you are not mean- They are rude.

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

Also, she added that her daughter really didn't need a $50 TRU giftcard, a giftcard to purchase clothing would have been better.

OMG!!!!
Well this is just the cherry on top!!! That kid would get a TRU gift card from me every year after a rude comment like that! And it sure wouldn't be for $50 anymore. That is a very generous gift and even my ds8 know how to graciously accept a gift that may not be exactly what he wanted. You just shut up, smile,say thank you and remember it's the thought that counts. I feel bad for her kids...
We have missed plenty of stuff while on vacation. Oh well. And I wouldn't expect anyone to cancel a vac to attend my child's bday party. Are these people psycho??!! Sheesh!! what do they think, it's a like a wedding?
I'd have been tempted to tell them to move their party date if they really wanted me to attend but I usually just bite my tongue...

I posted this question to my own dh who has 2 sisters, 3 brothers and plenty of family drama though we really stay out of it all and stay neutral. There's always someone who's not speaking to someone else or to my MIL. crazy...
He said no way would anyone be staying here 6 nts per week and that your SIL needs to just accept that she can't afford this big fat mortgage. After all how much room do 3 people really need?
I feel bad for the poor child who is going to suffer most from this ill-planned lifestyle and total lack of time w/his mom. It wouldn't surprise me if your SIL is bleeding your MIL dry but she's too kind to say no.

JMHO but I think she should sell the big new house, get something smaller/less expensive which in turn saves on taxes, heat, A/C, etc. She could still find something that could accommodate your MIL and be near her main job/business. Then if she still needs to work a 2nd job, it should be close to home. That would also save a lot on gas, wear/tear on her car, tires, etc.

It seems she doesn't really want to hear any solutions to her problems; she'd rather dump them on you and your family.
Stand your ground sweetie!! Be strong and always do what's best for your family.

 

[eeyoremum]

Wow I feel for you. I really do.

One question, what about the child? Where does he go during the day? What would it be like for HIM to be awakened at 2 am to be driven and hour to home just to turn around and come back to your town in the morning?

I think she is selfish NOT you. When does she even see her child?

Good luck

 

[TheLittleRoo]

Wow I feel for you. I really do.

One question, what about the child? Where does he go during the day? When does she even see her child?

Aww, that is the saddest part. Seriously, does he even see her in the morning before school?

Someone needs to get it through your SIL's head that her SON is the most important thing right now. He is hurting as much or more than her from the divorce, and pawning him off on Gramma or your family isn't what he NEEDS. The house is just four walls of silence without mommy to him.

That's so sad that she is missing the forest for the trees with respect to keeping the McMansion. All the associated bills (not just the $4K mortgage) to keep up the house. She will be emotionally and financially bankrupt before she realizes what she's doing. That poor little boy has no control over what's going on - - I've been through it with a little 3 y/o, and they are very sad and want attention and reassurance from their mom and dad.

I agree with a PP about the nightshift job - - driving an hour to a supermarket instead of the one close to home? Sounds like a boyfriend situation to me...

Hang in there. I'm guessing no one in this family has the backbone to stand up and tell her to consider her SON when making the decision about where to live, how to save money so you don't have to take a second job? I'm sorry you and your DH are having to get involved in her drama. Give your nephew a bunch of hugs!!

 

[Luv Bunnies]

My only advice is that you need to really stand your ground in these situations and not give in when you know something is really wrong.

Case in point: My mother in law wanted desperately to babysit our infant son. She was 77 at the time, and had had several minor strokes which left her perpetually dizzy. She couldn't go down two steps without holding onto something. She couldn't get out of a chair without pushing herself up with two hands. Her judgement was very poor. She would fling the front door open at night without knowing who was knocking. I once had to call 911 while at her house because she let a woman in who claimed someone was trying to attack her. (Turned out the woman was mentally challenged - left her mother's house on Christmas Eve because her mother apparently insulted her, tried to walk back to her halfway house alone and her mom's boyfriend was following her to make sure she was safe.) I told MIL she never should have let her in the house. We should have called the police to come and help her because we didn't know if she was armed, on drugs, dangerous, etc.

Long story shorter, I just didn't trust her physical condition or her judgement enough to let her babysit my son. She wanted to buy a used stroller and walk him around her neighborhood and we said no. She wanted to have her own car seat to drive him around and we said absolutely not. She wanted us to put him in a daycare near her house so she could visit him whenever she wanted. That would mean us driving an extra 30 minutes each way in the morning to drop him off. We said no and put him in a daycare center near our house. My DH started to flounder under her pressure and we had several arguments about it but I just couldn't let her be responsible for our son.

So, one morning when our son was 11 months old, I got a call from her neighbor. She had just been hit by a car crossing the street right in front of her house. She either didn't look both ways or did look and thought she had enough time to cross or that the driver would see her and stop. Whatever the case, we'll never know. She died shortly after being taken to the hospital. That night, my DH and I were sitting around, still trying to sort things out, still in shock. And he said, "All I can think about is what if she had the baby with her?" I admitted I had the same thought. That was 12 years ago.

I know your situation isn't completely the same, but my point is that you have to stand up for what you think is right for your family. You may not be the most popular person in the world, but you'll be doing what you think is right for your kids. And remember that no matter what anyone else says, you get to make those decisions for your kids and for youself. Good luck!

 

[sk!mom]

IMO, it was an unreasonable request but your real problem is with your DH. The fact that he doesn't stand up for you and support you is too bad.

His family- he should have been the bad guy. He should not have put you in the middle.

 

[Traveliz]

I just can't even imagine how that could work out -- are there rooms they would be sleeping in til 2am? Would they just be hanging out in the living room? How would the child ever manage day after day without his things - and then really between school and work why would they even need the big, expensive house -- they would realize they should just live with you all the time! The whole idea (on their part) seems ludicrous.

Liz

 

[RMulieri]

Stick to you guns.The thing with selfish self-centered people is that they never STOP expecting everyone to bend to their wishes/demands.it is sad that SIL is going thru a divorce but that is her problem not yours,dh's or MIL's.Dh needs to back you on this, or it will always be another issue that YOU are the one they can lay blame with.

 

[barkley]

aside from the inconvenience and stress it would cause i would have an issue with the potential for other issues that could arrise because of this situation.

i have to assume that the child is either in daycare during the day or a combo of daycare and school (since they work an hour from where they live)-if that's the case you would be introducing the potential for your children to start catching every little virus and illness your sil's kids are exposed to that yours are not. how would you handle things if the child became sick-would you be expected to run a sick room in your home-if the child became sick during the day would the expectation be that out of convenience to sil's job that she would drop off mil and the sick child off at your home when she gets the call from daycare or the school? what if mil became ill-would you be expected to provide care and supervision of the child (she would still have to retrieve the child and take it home, unless they are planning on having the child stay home anytime mil is sick, and will both mil and the child stay home if sil is ill since they have no transportation)? what would be the expectation if you wanted to travel (would they have carte blanch access to your home?) or if you wanted guests over (would everything have to be arranged around their needs?). this is'nt a matter of helping someone out, it's a matter of providing for their housing and needs for over 1/3rd of the time (you would have them for dinner, the time dedicated generaly to homework, bathing, going to sleep at nite...).

i know that one of the issues i would have with this arrangement is the safety factor-how in the world can anyone consider it safe for a woman (sil) to safely drive everyone home at night after she's driven one hour the previous morning to get to a full time job and then done another 9 hour shift? in my mind that adds up to 19 hours in travel and work alone. so that leaves 5 hours per day ABSENT OF ANY SLEEP to meet her child's needs, maintain her home, do shopping, preparing meals (unless they plan on you doing dinner, providing/prepping the lunch for the next day at school/daycare), laundry...this is not humanly possible. the idea of mil going there was to help out and i assume take on the responsibilities of childcare and the household when sil was working the nite job (and how the heck did she and her dh manage it when both were working all these jobs?). this situation is either a car accident or a major medical crisis waiting to happen.

if pressed i would press back and make the suggestion that since everyone in your dh's family seems to be so supportive of this situation and it's a 'family buisness' then they should all help out and either arrange an alternate work schedual that facilitates sil and mil leaving work early enough for the commute back and forth (then you'll hear that it's not a time issue-it's too exhausting ) or come up with a plan where EVERYONE is helping out (then see how supportive they are of this insanity).

if mil plays the 'what would your dad think' card, i would tell my dh to reply 'dad would think that no house is worth risking your health and safety over, so he would'nt want me to faciliate putting all of you in a dangerous situation'.

 

[Nancyg56]

WOW! This is one crazy idea. I would never agree to this and I love people in and out of my home. I don;t think you can really win this one becasue they set it up with you as the fall guy if you or your DH disagrees with this ludicrous plan.

First, I cannot imagine anyone taking a child out at 2 AM five nights a week. It is insane. I cannot imagine adults planning to "move in" for five nights a week but am appalled that a child would be forced into this. Kids need a routine in order to thrive, how does this poor kid play with friends, go to after school activities or participate in sports?

I would have DH have a talk with his mother. Not about this crazy scheme, but on the long range detriment this entire situation is going to have on the little guy. She needs to have a talk with her daughter about the priorities in life and how her decisions are going to impact this kid if she does not make changes in her work habits. He also needs to make Mom understand that if she continues to go along with this idea she is going to be as responsible for the outcome as her daughter.

 

[trip]

Problem is, she doesn't have a ride home, and I am NOT driving two hours.

Have your husband drive her home every night!

 

[dis-happy]

Wow, what a story! What a family!!!


Here's my idea: let them stay. Put your dh in charge of everything, including dinner (at 5 pm I suppose they'll expect to be fed too) and getting your ds to bed. And all of them. And saying good-bye at 2 in the morning when the whole household is woken up again.

In the meantime, you drive to your SIL's house and get a good night's sleep. Leave a hotel sheet on the doorknob of your suite with your breakfast choices, I'm sure they'll want to show their appreciation for letting them stay at your house. Enjoy your life. I hope your dh gets a clue soon.

 

[ObsessedwiththeMouse]

I completely understand where you're coming from, OP. Thank goodness we don't speak to my in-laws anymore. Too many problems!

 

[Poohbug]

Thank you for your kind words. Yes, DH will come around, I am just so upset, we never argue like this!! DH doesn't like to be in conflict with them, they are the type of people that if they don't get their way or win, they hold a grudge and won't speak to you for like 6 months. My other SIL isn't talking to me because we went to Disney over spring break and we missed her daughters birthday party. I gave her a gift card and a card prior to our trip. A month later it is my DS birthday and she leaves a message on my machine that since I didn't make it to her daughters party, than she cannot make it to mine. Also, she added that her daughter really didn't need a $50 TRU giftcard, a giftcard to purchase clothing would have been better. THese people really need to grow up!!

OT-They actually have nice clothes at my TRU. I get clothes there for my boys all the time.

Stay strong-you have to do what is right for your family. Your in-laws are being totally unreasonable.

 

[rt2dz]

I wrote a reply, but decide against posting it.

I feel for you and hope you work things out—especially between you and your DH.