OT, but do you think God punishes us financially?

[daisax]

I can't help but wonder, maybe I'm supposed to leave. My marriage is a disaster, starting with the first day. Adultery, verbal abuse, you pretty much name it, I've lived through it. The only reason I stay is financial. I want to stay home with my kids while they're little, and I can't do that if I divorce him.

I think your insight about losing the remaining reason to stay (financial security) may be spot on (not necessarily sent by God, but that you're recognizing that the deal you made may not be the right one for you or your children).

Staying in the kind of situation you describe is likely to send the message to your children that they should live that way too -- setting off on a different course while they're still young may be preferable. Don't do anything rash or tip him off (even if you're not physically afraid of him, it sounds like he wouldn't be above robbing the bank accounts/creating more debt to make things worse for you). Get copies of all your current financial statements and look for local women's groups that offer free legal advice.

 

[mpls_mm]

I can't go to my pastor... It's a very small church, and I've already "talked" to him anonymously before about adultery issues with my husband, which he counseled me that God has mercy for us all, and grace is what God gives us and we are to show it in our marriages if it's possible.

I can't help but wonder, maybe I'm supposed to leave. My marriage is a disaster, starting with the first day. Adultery, verbal abuse, you pretty much name it, I've lived through it. The only reason I stay is financial. I want to stay home with my kids while they're little, and I can't do that if I divorce him.

Maybe this IS God's way of taking away every last reason to stay. He mocks my religion, so we are unequally yoked, and I already have a Biblical ground for divorce as allowed for in the Bible. Could this even be possible that God is zapping every last reason to stay to get my attention so I leave????

So staying home with your children is more important than your happiness, self-worth and dignity? That can't be a good lesson for them. I am sorry, but to be verablly abused and treated as a worthless human being cannot be worth staying home with the kids. At some point the kids will start copying their father and treating you as worthless too. You are training your little people how to treat others and the relationships they will have in life. Your daughter will seek this and your son will copy it. You need counseling and to find a way to get your self worth back. Maybe with some confidence and if you stick up for yourself he won't treat you as a doormat. I honestly left a realtionship very much like yours. Every time I thought it couldn't get worse, it did. If you would have asked me how far I let it go, I would have been ashamed to tell you. The truth is he went exactly as far as I let him. I left when I was six months pregnant and had a little one and I have never been happier. It was hard but not as hard as staying. He had someone on the side the whole time I found out and ended up treating her like a princess and doing everything for her. Thats when I realized it wasn't all him, it was me too. I had been beat down so long and felt so bad about myself that I had trained him to treat me poorly. I didn't demand more for myself. As a side note, she left him for someone better and he lost the house I left him with and these days all he has is that ridiculous expensive truck he had to have. At least he can live it in one day if he has to. I went back to school and own my own business and have far more than I ever had before, happiness and financial. My kids are proud of me and we have a good life. Leaving is hard, staying is much harder.

 

[HopingToGetEngaged]

I can't help but wonder, maybe I'm supposed to leave. My marriage is a disaster, starting with the first day. Adultery, verbal abuse, you pretty much name it, I've lived through it. The only reason I stay is financial. I want to stay home with my kids while they're little, and I can't do that if I divorce him.

*HUGS* With the exception of the adultery- this sounds just like my parents marriage. Mom always thought it was going to get better. My father lost his job (along with everyone else in his office) when they closed that branch of that division about 9 years ago. Being in his late 40's, early 50's, and not having a degree made it extremely hard to find a job since age and education were both against him. He finally decided (with my Mom's blessing) that he would buy into a handyman franchise. Great - we supported him and the busniess.

Well, about 2 years later without my Mom's knowledge - he borrowed the money from my grandparents and purchased another of the franchises that had 2 offices in the Pittsburgh area. We didn't know till it was all said and done- much like your situation. My mom has always said that she stayed for us girls, but now that we're adults, she's staying for the financial aspect of it. And I can respect it. Neither of the busniess do well, infact we've closed both offices in the Pitt area. So, on one hand - mom has had it up to here with his stupid actions (he's manic-depressive - and on highs he likes to purchase things - such as the second franchise and he also leased a brand new Ford Escape). But she does love him and is afraid of what he'll be like if they do get divorced. I don't think my father has gotten a "real" paycheck in about 7 years. And Mom teaches in a Catholic school... so she isn't paid all that well. Thankfully, they were always good with money, so that's how the've made ends meet.

Please just keep your faith in God, and know that He will guide you to the path that He has laid out for you in life.

 

[problemchild718]

I'm so sorry. This isn't an issue with your God, this is an issue with your husband. Since you phrased it this way, why don't you call your pastor (if it weren't phrased this way, I'd recommend straight to the marriage therapist - but your pastor may be a better source for you). Your husband needs to understand that this is causing you enough stress that you regret your marriage. That isn't a way to live.

I agree! I lived a similar life and often felt that way until I left. Sit down tonight and have a talk with your DH. He needs to grow up and be a man-not a little boy. He needs to realize a responsible adult with a family doesn't go out and selfishly purchase a car that is against your spouses wishes and out of your means. In most states, you have 3 days to void any contract-DO IT. I'd tell him that I was packing up and leaving due to his selfishness and disrespect-then I would. (and I did-and am debt free except for the house and car with an emergency fund and retirement.
Pray for direction and peace and God will make a way for you.

 

[sk!mom]

I can't help but wonder, maybe I'm supposed to leave. My marriage is a disaster, starting with the first day. Adultery, verbal abuse, you pretty much name it, I've lived through it. The only reason I stay is financial. I want to stay home with my kids while they're little, and I can't do that if I divorce him. QUOTE]

It's nice to stay home with kids but it's also your responsibility to provide a positive, safe, and nurturing environment for them.

Is your DH open to counseling?

 

[roadtripper]

The women here who have been in your position have shared some great advice. I hope you can find the strength to do what you think is best for you and your children. My sis in law is one month into moving out-- about 6 years, several addictions, bankruptcies, and a jail sentence (for her husband) later than we had hoped, but she has never been better. Prayers and hugs your way.