OT: Bitter Bridesmaid

[JJClemson]

Hi Ladies! This is kind of off topic, but I really need some adivce.

DF and I are trying to keep our FTW as small as possible. We are inviting 73 people, and 61 of them are our close family. My 3 bridesmaids are my 3 best friends since we were 12 years old. One of them is living with her boyfriend, and they have been together for 3 years. So, the boyfriend is invited. The other 2 do not have boyfriends, so I was not going to allow them to bring dates. I thought this was ok b/c they know my family very well, as they often come over for family parties, holidays, etc. Well, one makes a comment to the other yesterday "I love how between the 3 of us, we get to bring 1 date to Jen's wedding". She has also commented to me before how she will feel weird not having a date. I was feeling guilty at first, but the "date" she wants to bring is her 10 year old cousin who has never been to WDW.

I am usually very good about letting things roll off my chest and I do not like confrontation especially with my close friends. I am annoyed that she keeps complaining and bringing this up. She knows we are trying really hard to save money. I have been nothing but cooperative with my bridesmaids... they are picking out their dresses, shoes, etc. and I am paying for their flights to get to WDW. I feel like I need to say something to her, but I am not sure what to say.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much

 

[Laurafoster]

WOW thats a tricky subject. Especially as like you say the "date" she wants to bring is a 10yr old. Personally of the people ive invited, if they have a current partner, ive said +1 guest. If not ive said just them.

 

[JonetteA]

I had the same issue. I don't know if this helps, but I waited to see who was and was not coming and then I just caved. I just kinda gave up at the end controlling what I could not. The friendship meant more to me at the end and the fact that she was willing to come all that way to be in my wedding. By the end of the process believe it or not you will get to the point of what is just one more person, or multiples more.

 

[c&k]

you are right. i did the same thing. people who had partners got invited and people who didn't have partners did not get a guest. this is your wedding and it is up to you who you invite. i think your bridesmaid is being very selfish, especially when you are paying for her flight. i would stick to your plan and let noone change your mind. and do not feel one bit guilty about it. she should be greatful that she is invited, that's the way i see it.

 

[Jrabbit910]

JJ I can understand where you are coming from yet on the other hand I can see where your friend is coming from as well. If you known your friends for so many years why didnt you bring this up to them before hand... you said in your thread "you" thought it was okay... you should have discussed this with them about being invited solo. You also said that you are footing thier airbill are you paying for your friends bf to fly too? I think your friend is making comments because she is hurt at the situation BUT.... as for her wanting to bring a 10 year old as her date.... its not a vacation for her and her family... this is a wedding and she has to understand that.

 

[elastigirl]

I think that's awesome that you're paying for their flights. Totally cool. And I completely understand the cost thing. When you're doing a small event, it's difficult to cut people (close friends and family) for cost, but then have to splurge for strangers.

However, I can see your BMs point of view.

its not a vacation for her and her family

True, but for those who are traveling with family or a date or a friend, that's what a destination wedding can be. There is definitely an element of *vacation* when going to a wedding in an awesome place, like WDW. And that's why destination weddings can be so fun for everyone involved.

It's difficult to travel to a destination wedding alone. When you're solo, it can feel like you're just there to work (and celebrate the wedding of course). And that can be hard, even if you know a lot of people there. Everyone else gets to use their free time as a fun vacation, and that's can be not as enjoyable when you're solo. (I just got back from a destination wedding that my DH couldn't attend, so this is still fresh for me.)

If you can't stretch the budget anymore, it's totally understandable. If you need to talk to her, I would tell her that you feel bad about the situation, but because of the small guest list and $$$ issues, it just isn't possible to add to the guest list after you had to cut so many other people. And you can let her know that you feel bad about the situation already, but her bringing it up constantly is making it really difficult for you. The best to you, these situations are never easy to deal with.

 

[JJClemson]

Thanks everyone! I appreciate all your advice and honesty. I have discussed this w/ my other BMs and they said not to worry about it. She is just the type of person who complains about everything and needs to make everything about her. If she brings this up again, I will talk to her about it. Thanks again girls

 

[lizziepooh]

Besides the additional expense of one more person, who would look after the 10 year old when she needs to do "bridemaids" things with you and the other bridesmaids? Taking a child to be responsible for when you are a bridesmaid, doesn't seem like a good idea unless she has other family members going who can help out.

 

[NJOYURLIFE]

Besides the additional expense of one more person, who would look after the 10 year old when she needs to do "bridemaids" things with you and the other bridesmaids? Taking a child to be responsible for when you are a bridesmaid, doesn't seem like a good idea unless she has other family members going who can help out.

This was my thought also. An adult boyfriend is one thing, a 10 year old something entirely different.

 

[ferretxxxferret]

just my 2-cents, but i think you are correct not to allow her to bring a "date". If she really wants someone to go around disney with her, she can have him come along to florida, but maybe have a baysitter for the day of your wedding. She's down there for you on that one day, but the rest is up to her.

 

[JonetteA]

We are here for you! If you need someone to listen, just let me know!

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

you should really let them invite someone, my BMs didn't have boyfriends at all but i did the ole so and so and guest on the envelopes. i too wanted a small wedding, but by the end of the guest list it was like 100+ "definate yes" and lo and behold we only get about 76 at the wedding !! it works out for the always! i know you will say you know EVERYONE that has said yes is coming for sure, but i thought that too. SOmeof my closest family member didn't end up coming at the last minute. Life happens

oh and 2 of my BMs in the end didn't end up bringing dates.

 

[ItGirl753]

Wow. I really wish you luck with this one. It seems really sticky. I haven't had to deal with these things yet. I know other people on this board have said they invited people without a significant other, solo, and she has the other BM to be with, right? I have some friends that we're so close with -- I can totally understand the idea of knowing your family and everything. What really gets me is that she doesn't care about the boyfriend thing, she wants to bring her cousin which complicates things further. I just wanted to give you my support -- I think she is wrong to treat you this way. It sounds to me like she has known about this for some time and just decided to complain now. You are so so so generous to pay for their plane tickets too! Good luck!

 

[allisonswonderland]

What the heck is she going to do w/ the 10 yo cousin while she is in the wedding and taking pictures. personally I think that bringing a child to a wedding at a date is ridicluous and it is unfortunate that she is not able to notice the long standing relationship your other friend has-

The other issue for me is due to cost we are only able to have around 65 ppl and that has made me cut people who I am very close to, so I would be frustrated that someone you do not really know would be in their place. Then again sometimes friends are not reasonable. Like my best friend who will no longer speak to me for whatever reason - well she thinks that I am being unreasonable because she would have to save some money to come to my wedding and that would make her change her lifestyle so god forbid she does not go tanning everydayto go to her best friend of 20 yrs wedding - ok i think a lot of people have to save money to go on vacation - sorry I have hijacked you , but I needed to vent- I just feel like I would do whatever was necessary to be at her wedding even if I had to walk across the country- she would just say that the moderate hotels were too expensive - truth is she did not want to come she did not want to be part of my day and truthfully, I do not think she is truly my friend - but she says that she thinks that we will get past this, I thought HELLO- this is the most important day of my life and you refuse to come....I do not think I will get over that any time soon.

Sorry - I have some serious aggression that needed to get out of me-

 

[JJClemson]

Thanks ladies for all your support

I am going to stick w/ my original plan of not letting anyone bring dates unless they have a significant other. I understand what some of you were saying how she will feel awkward, and have no one to do things with. However, she has the other BM who is super-excited about the whole event and doesn't want to bring a date. She is also close with my brother (who also is not allowed to bring a date), and he said he would be her date. She just really always has to complain about something, so her "I want to bring my cousin" is her way of doing so. By the way, this same girl went to another friend's destination wedding this past weekend (without a date!) and was so drunk that she slept through the rehearsal dinner This is who I am dealing with. I know you all probably think I am crazy for even having her as a BM, but when someone has been like a sister to you for more than 1/2 your life, you kind of learn to accept some of their personality flaws. When she brings this up again, I am going to sit down and talk with her about it.

Thanks again for listening! You are all so helpful!

 

[mickeyfan2]

I feel that the two bridesmaids should be allowed a guest. Maybe she does not want to tour WDW alone or with your family. The way I look at it if you could not afford three bridesmaids and three guests then you should not have invited three bridesmaids. If you only had two then they both could have had dates (you are paying for four people now). Remember you chose a destination wedding and not a local wedding, so the guests are going to your wedding and on their vacation. How would you feel if she decided not to be in the wedding if she had to go alone? I am guessing that the two bridesmaids are the only two going alone (per your list).

ETA: I must have been typing when you posted your last update. I might not want her there at all. Did you allow your brother a date and did he chose not to have one?

My cousin had a desination wedding 5 years ago. Due to cost his brother came but left the family home. He was the odd man out and left early to go home.