OT - Baby Shower question/vent

[Fantasmic23]

My half-brother (who I am unfortunately not at all close with) is expecting his third child in November. Since my half-brother and his family live in California (and I am on the East Coast), I only see him about every other year. The last time I saw him and his family was at my half-sister's wedding in early June and he and his pregnant wife hardly said two words to me. Now I do try to stay in touch and I do try to forge some kind of better relationship (occasional emails - which are not replied to, cards on birthdays and holidays - which are not acknowledged, phone calls - which surprisingly go friendly and smoothly but then when I see them again, they always give me the cold shoulder).

A few days ago I received an envelope from my half-sister. It was an invitation (if you could call it that) for an "Across-the-Miles Baby Shower" for my half-brother's wife. I immediately saw red because initially, I thought it was a thank you note from half-sister for her wedding back in early June. Now, I don't know what the wedding thank you note etiquette is, but it's now the end of September. But I digress ...

With half-brother's first child, I sent a card and a gift via UPS. No thank you, either with a note or a phone call. With his second child, his wife requested another baby shower (which I personally thought was ridiculous and greedy), but I sent a card and a gift card to celebrate and "welcome" the new baby. Again, no thank you. So, now she is being thrown a third "across-the-miles" baby shower? I just don't get it. Their two children are two years apart (both boys). I know they have cribs and bassinettes and strollers and changing tables and clothes, clothes, clothes. Sure, half-sister-in-law isn't asking for this "shower" this time, but I have to send yet another card and gift that I know won't be acknowledged?

Now, I don't want to take my disgruntled feelings out on an innocent, newborn baby (and I'm sure I probably will send something) but am I wrong to feel this way?

 

[dislal]

I would conveniently misplace that invite Sorry JMHO.

 

[Fantasmic23]

I would conveniently misplace that invite Sorry JMHO.

LOL! Yep, more and more I'm thinking about the old "What? I never received anything!" routine.

 

[Bren's Mom]

ITA! Send a card and a nice note when the new baby arrives...

 

[princesspwrhr]

Send a card and a package of diapers (or a babies r us gift card) after the baby is born.

I have 3. My older 2 are 5 years apart and I had nothing when my second was born. I didn't expect anything and was plesantly surprised to be thrown a surprise shower. My third came 11 months later (they're Irish Twins) and with the exception of my parents and 2 friends her birth was not acknowledged AT ALL. Again I didn't expect anything, but no phone calls or cards from anyone (including ILs) to acknowledge I had a third child stung a little bit. I didn't plan on having them that close - total surprise but I really felt like my youngest was being 'punished' for being born by not being acknowledged even the slightest. She'll be 4 this year and neither of my younger 2 have ever been treated like 'real' family from my ILs, but except when I think of the past I'm over it - lol especially since my kids, even oldest, have never been as worthy as SILs kids and if BIL ever has kids SHE's in for a shock when her kids are second best to the golden child's kids.

So while your half siblings are crappy at the correspondence (my brother is in Sweden and my sister is in England and I'm not the best at keeping in touch unless it's instant messaging! lol And except for when we go 'home' for the holidays I never talk to my SIL or my BIL) take the high road, acknowledge the birth. Even just a card.

 

[LadyShea]

I would send a nice card with a handwritten "best wishes" note and leave it at that. It's absolutely appropriate etiquette wise to not send a gift for a third baby shower, and lets them know you are courteous enough to at least respond, even though they are not.

As a PP said, after the baby is born, you might choose to send a gift for the baby, but I wouldn't do so for this shower.

ETA: It is acceptable for a bride to take up to a year to send wedding thank yous. I think it's ridiculous, but technically acceptable.

 

[marlynnp]

It would go to the same place the thank you cards must have gone to ~ disappeared into thin air!

If called on it, I would tell half-sis that you didn't get the shower invitation or her wedding thank you.

 

[imthatgirl]

i would send a nice card.

oh and she has 6mo after the wedding to send the thank yous.

 

[Fantasmic23]

Send a card and a package of diapers (or a babies r us gift card) after the baby is born.

I have 3. My older 2 are 5 years apart and I had nothing when my second was born. I didn't expect anything and was plesantly surprised to be thrown a surprise shower. My third came 11 months later (they're Irish Twins) and with the exception of my parents and 2 friends her birth was not acknowledged AT ALL. Again I didn't expect anything, but no phone calls or cards from anyone (including ILs) to acknowledge I had a third child stung a little bit. I didn't plan on having them that close - total surprise but I really felt like my youngest was being 'punished' for being born by not being acknowledged even the slightest. She'll be 4 this year and neither of my younger 2 have ever been treated like 'real' family from my ILs, but except when I think of the past I'm over it - lol especially since my kids, even oldest, have never been as worthy as SILs kids and if BIL ever has kids SHE's in for a shock when her kids are second best to the golden child's kids.

So while your half siblings are crappy at the correspondence (my brother is in Sweden and my sister is in England and I'm not the best at keeping in touch unless it's instant messaging! lol And except for when we go 'home' for the holidays I never talk to my SIL or my BIL) take the high road, acknowledge the birth. Even just a card.

Thanks so much for your reply! I am going to acknowledge the baby's birth. It's never like me to ignore a birth or a major milestone, whether it be in my family, DH's or amongst our friends.

I'm just a stickler for a thank you/acknowlegement and I think it traces back to my childhood. My mother would either make me phone in my thank you or I had to sit at the table and write a note.

 

[Fantasmic23]

i would send a nice card.

oh and she has 6mo after the wedding to send the thank yous.

Thanks for the 6 month after the wedding information. I did not know that. Seriously.

 

[snickerboo]

I'd send some very small gift and card. These people don't seem to understand etiquette. I know some people have showers for the second + babies as an excuse to get together (I had a shower for my second-a surprise, though, not my idea) but, when it' 'accross the miles' that basically equals 'just send gift'. Pretty bad manners, IMO, especially from someone who can't even be bothered to say 'thank-you'.

 

[fanoftinkerbell]

I would send a nice card with a handwritten note inside. However I would wait and at your discression purchase something for the baby after he/she is born. That's just me, but if you're not that close and it's her third why have a shower?...
I only had a baby shower for my first... I didn't and don't expect anymore.

BTW I have 2 boys and we're still debating on the third child...

 

[thegrimdwarf]

In my opinion, baby showers are to celebrate the first child --- even if the second/subsequent is a different sex, a 'surprise', born 15 years after the first - whatever! I know this is no longer the norm in thinking, but there's no way I can look at it that it doesn't seem tacky.

That said, I would never refuse to acknowledge the birth of child because I felt the mom (or whoever was responsible for the shower) was tacky. In your particular circumstance, I would send nothing more than a card, congratulating the family on their new arrival.

And OMG over never receiving acknowledgement you for gifts!!! Like you, I was raised to always send a written note, thanking the sender. Talk about poor manners!

 

[Bren's Mom]

FYI, according to Emily Post, etiquette guru...1 year to send notes is a myth:

http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/etiquette/postings/wedding_thankyous.htm

"When should notes be written?
Contrary to popular myth, the happy couple does not have a year’s grace period. All thank you notes should be written within three months of the receipt of the gift. Ideally, a response should be written on the day you receive a wedding gift. If that’s not possible, set a daily goal. It’s a lot easier to write three or four notes a day than to have to write a hundred notes in a month after the wedding!"

And for a laugh check out this site of Thank Yous from He**! LOL

http://www.etiquettehell.com/content/eh_wedding/thankynotes/enotesfhell.shtml

 

[cogero]

I would send a card and that is it.

I sent my thank yous for my wedding within 2 weeks of being home from my honeymoon. each and everyone was personalized and handwritten.

Most people just send those photo thank yous which I happen to find Tacky. I have been married almost 12 years and people are still telling me how they loved my wedding because I took time to speak to all 225 guests and the wives think it is great that I sent personal thank yous.

 

[Narnia]

I would personally send a card and a small gift. I only Had showes with my first but I should have had one with my 3rd(DH's fist bio) but my odd MIL decided to do a combined birthday for a grandma and baby shower it was not a shower I was expecting! Not even baby theemed plates or a cake! No one was told about the shower. Because she was supposed to do the shower my mom didn't do one! This was the first child born in both of my DH's sid in over 12 years also it was my ils fist bio grandchild! My dh's cousin had a baby I felt so sorry for her! The family had a shower and all she got were dollar store things and used items. i showed up with a ton of baby stuff and looked like I went nuts! These are people with money alot of them are quite weathy and own huge homes and huge cottages(8+ bedrooms!).

 

[emh1129]

In that situation, I would just send a card..

 

[Tiffany_MommyOf3]

I would send a card with well wishes.

I have 4 very close in age. 5, 3, 2, and 8 months. I have had a shower with each. I do send thank you notes though LOL

With #2, 3, and 4 though my mom was sure to put "No gifts necessary - we just want to celebrate the new baby" on the invite. I felt it was really nice to celebrate each child specifically. I like the showers for 2, 3, and 4 best! They were co-ed cook out style parties that were just like get-together.

Now, I did appreciate the gifts that were brought even at #4's shower LOL - but I wasn't expecting anything.

So, while I wouldn't send a gift, I would send a note in a card for the baby's keepsake box. kwim?

 

[waltskids]

In my opinion, baby showers are to celebrate the first child --- even if the second/subsequent is a different sex, a 'surprise', born 15 years after the first - whatever! I know this is no longer the norm in thinking, but there's no way I can look at it that it doesn't seem tacky.

This is how my extended family feels also, and it really upsets some who expect a second shower, especially if there is an age gap or gender difference. But I would definitely send a card and well wishes. Maybe send a small gift after the baby is born, such as an outfit, diapers, or gift card.

 

[Tricia819]

I try to always acknowledge a babies birth whether it is a 1st or 50th. Every baby deserves to be celebrated. Nothing too extravagant, just a card and a gift card to Babies R Us. After all it is still your niece or nephew and they are not old enough to write thank-you notes yet. That said, this woman is T-A-C-K-Y!!! I would not send HER any gifts for any holiday. Additionally, when the nieces and nephews do become old enough to know better, if they do not send thank you notes, Dear Abby has said before not to feel obligated to send gifts anymore because, unfortunately, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.