OT: Angry, upset, fedup ...need a listening ear

[a1tinkfans]

I am going to tough it out, but its hard.

I have very little family, My daughter is 15 ,my Mum has mental health problems so I tend to mother her more than she does me. My siblings died when they were young...so I feel like I am pushing away the little family I have, but I also Know I have to do it.

STAY STRONG, you deserve respect and he should have SELF respect as well. Remember that the goal is so that you BOTH can have peace of mind and comfort, so I'm of the mind that if there is a way to work it out between you two go for it, its not who WINS this situation but working towards a "satisfied" situation together.
Good Luck!

 

[nicolemomof4cuties]

I am sorry but one of those rules would be no sex under my roof period unless it is me and my DH. How disrespectful for him to bring girls to your house and have sex with them. My DH even agrees with this. He was quite a player back in the day and he moved out of his parents house when he knew that his behavior was scandalous and might be offensive or rub off on his younger siblings.....or heck, be offensive to his parents.

 

[minkydog]

I am sorry but one of those rules would be no sex under my roof period unless it is me and my DH. How disrespectful for him to bring girls to your house and have sex with them. My DH even agrees with this. He was quite a player back in the day and he moved out of his parents house when he knew that his behavior was scandalous and might be offensive or rub off on his younger siblings.....or heck, be offensive to his parents.

I agree. We have that rule with DS21. I don't particularly want to know all about his love life, so he knows it's 'off limits' at our house. When he has his own place he can all the hanky-panky he wants.

 

[Nancyg56]

I am sorry but one of those rules would be no sex under my roof period unless it is me and my DH. How disrespectful for him to bring girls to your house and have sex with them. My DH even agrees with this. He was quite a player back in the day and he moved out of his parents house when he knew that his behavior was scandalous and might be offensive or rub off on his younger siblings.....or heck, be offensive to his parents.

My DH nephew moved in with him for a short period of time and he was told that there would be no girls in the house. The nephew was quite a Casanova and thought that sneaking a girl in would be fine if DH did not know. DH did know and when his nephew woke up in the morning he was greeted with a note telling him to leave the key and be gone by the end of the day.

 

[J&J'sMOM]

I just want to see the girl that steps over the moldy piece of pizza and broken nasty plates to get to the bed to have sex with him!!

 

[dananbethany]

He is showing disrespect so I would show him the door. Sorry that you are going through this.

I agree...it's your house and your rules. He may be an adult, but he still lives under your roof.

 

[Stacy's a freak]

He knows he is but one argument away from living in the street, so he minds his p's and q's

I'm sure that my parents would have done to same to me! I will never forget my mother telling me that if I were ever arrested, she wouldn't spring me - she would leave me there to learn my lesson.

Well, you bet your ... bippy, if I were not following house rules, I would have been out on my ... bippy faster than you can say ... bippy.

And thank god for Mom and Dad's no nonsense attitude because I'm a functioning member of society. There definitely were times that I would have traded my parents for someone else's, but I am VERY thankful now

Tough love is the best thing you can do

 

[Catkramer]

Wow. I was reading and agreeing with every thing that has been said. However, I think there is something that needs to be pointed out for the parents, like myself, with young kids. I don't think teenagers, especially boys, just wake up one day being messy and disrespectful. I think it is something that we, as parents, have allowed to slip by piece by piece just because. Just because they are a boy, or a girl, or as parents we divorced, etc. Because as a parent, I think we parent out of guilt. Whether it is our own guilt or something that happened to us as a child. My daughter is 8, and often she will try and leave toys in the living room and leave her dishes on the counter. And I constantly tell her.

"Do I come into YOUR room and jump on your bed and leave my stuff all over your floor and then make you clean it up?"

"no"

"OK, so what makes you think it is ok for you to do that to me? We are a family and we need to work TOGETHER. I am a stay at home mom, not a stay at home MAID. Please pick up after yourself or I will and you will start loosing stuff"

That seems to get her to think that the world doesn't revolve around her. This is still MY house. I just let them live in it. And I know that sounds harsh, but honestly, people treat you the way you let them treat you. Your kids will love and respect you later for being honest and standing your ground now.

When I was 8, my mom told me to clean up my room for the 10th time. I shoved everything under my bed and then went to school. When I got home, she had taken a trash bag to my room, and removed EVERYTHING but my dresser and my bed. She placed my mattress and box springs on the FLOOR, even removing my frame so that I could no longer push stuff under my bed. To this day, there is NOTHING under my bed. I slept with my mattress and box springs on the floor for another 4 years. I lost the "privilege" of having nice things because I didn't take care of them. I only owned the clothes, my mattress and box springs, and a dresser. HUGE eye opener for me.

My oldest brother got caught sneaking out his bedroom window. They cork boarded it up and he lost the privilege to have a bedroom window in his room because he abused it. It was corked until the day he moved out and joined the Army.

My parents certainly didn't abuse us. But let me tell you, they didn't play around either. They took serious action and made believers out of us. But we always knew the rules up front. If we showed disrespect, then we lost privileges, and we aren't talking about a DS for the weekend. We are talking things that REALLY hit home.

When my husband (at the time boyfriend) got out of the Marine Corps and came home, he needed some time to look for a place. He stayed in my bedroom and I had to sleep with my mom! I was 22 years old and he was 28. He had been married and divorced. I had to sleep with my mom!! Let me tell you, in less than a week we were moved into an apartment and 6 months later we were married. 10 years and 2 kids later, I have to thank her for doing that for me. It taught me to control myself, to respect myself, and that I can ask the same of my kids. Respect. I think it is important to stay on top of them and not let it get so out of control. Because then getting them to get back on the straight and narrow is worse because they have been allowed to get away with it for so long.

Hope everything works out for you Peanut.

 

[Catkramer]

I agree...it's your house and your rules. He may be an adult, but he still lives under your roof.

I agree. They may be adults by legal age, but adults act responsibly. I have an 18 year old neice who loves to remind us all that she is 18 and an adult. And I keep telling her that will become an adult when she starts acting like one and stops telling us all that she is. You are treated based on your bahavior, not your age.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Well, we have already told our 15 yr old son that when he finishes school at 18, he no longer lives here. He can visit, yes, but not live here. If he goes to college (honestly, not likely), we will pay for his dorm costs. If not, after high school graduation, we will give him his first month's rent and security deposit on a place to live, deposit for utilities, and some money to live off of until his first paycheck comes in, but he is GONE!!! He understands this even though he does not like it.

Sorry but this seems harsh. Kicking a kid out just because he has a birthday? I'm all for kids learning responsibility and growing up, but this just seems way over the top. Is he a good kid, does he show he's responsible, good grades, etc.? I have an ex-friend who repeatedly told her daughter that when she turned 13 she was kicking the daughter's father out of the house because "she wouldn't need him anymore". Makes it sound like it's the kid's fault for having a birthday.

 

[crisi]

Wow. I was reading and agreeing with every thing that has been said. However, I think there is something that needs to be pointed out for the parents, like myself, with young kids. I don't think teenagers, especially boys, just wake up one day being messy and disrespectful. I think it is something that we, as parents, have allowed to slip by piece by piece just because. Just because they are a boy, or a girl, or as parents we divorced, etc. Because as a parent, I think we parent out of guilt. Whether it is our own guilt or something that happened to us as a child. My daughter is 8, and often she will try and leave toys in the living room and leave her dishes on the counter. And I constantly tell her.

Good luck with that theory, Parent of Young Kids.

Sometimes they just change, overnight. And if you want to blame the parents now for that change, I only home the Parent Karma Fairy doesn't come visit you.

 

[Catkramer]

Good luck with that theory, Parent of Young Kids.

Sometimes they just change, overnight. And if you want to blame the parents now for that change, I only home the Parent Karma Fairy doesn't come visit you.

I totally didn't mean for that to come across my kid is perfect. I was actually saying that as parents of young kids, I am reading this and bracing for it. I don't WANT that to happen. What I was trying to say is that, as a parent of young kids, if I don't think this could happen to me, I am NUTS. So I need to be realistic and start preparing young, so that all of a sudden I don't wake up one day and go, Oh wow, my kids don't respect me.

That is all that I meant.

 

[tam626]

I have a 21yr. old, a 17yr. old & my little one is almost 3. My older two have always respected me but it's still a struggle to make them keep their rooms clean. Maybe it's a faze they go through (which does'nt make it ok). It's honestly easier when they are younger.

 

[WantToGoNow]

My dd is 24 and still lives at home (I also have a ds7 and dd4). She has never caused me a days worth of problems and is more help than anything else. But her room is her room and basically is none of my business. She doesn't leave food growing, etc. but it's commonly quite messy (clothes, etc.). I don't care at all -- if she wants to sleep in a pig pen, go for it.

She follows all of the household rules - still tells me where she's going and when she'll likely be back - even if it will be the middle of the night. She also takes care of my children (and 2 others) through the week while dh and I works. She goes to school at night.

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

Well, we have already told our 15 yr old son that when he finishes school at 18, he no longer lives here. He can visit, yes, but not live here. If he goes to college (honestly, not likely), we will pay for his dorm costs. If not, after high school graduation, we will give him his first month's rent and security deposit on a place to live, deposit for utilities, and some money to live off of until his first paycheck comes in, but he is GONE!!! He understands this even though he does not like it.

Wow, no offence, but I'm glad your not my parent. Jeeze, knowing that your parents really want you out of the house now, but due to age laws, they have to put up with you for the next 3 years. I'm sure the next 3 will be great though!

 

[mickeymousemom]

Sorry but this seems harsh. Kicking a kid out just because he has a birthday? I'm all for kids learning responsibility and growing up, but this just seems way over the top. Is he a good kid, does he show he's responsible, good grades, etc.? I have an ex-friend who repeatedly told her daughter that when she turned 13 she was kicking the daughter's father out of the house because "she wouldn't need him anymore". Makes it sound like it's the kid's fault for having a birthday.

ITA here! My DD's HS graduation is today. We are on her left and right to get a job b/c SHE wants to get out. She had a part time job and left b/c the boss was horrible. Now she's having trouble finding another job...and I do believe she's being a bit too picky, but I won't send her packing. She's a good kid who needs a little direction...never causes me a problem...she just hasn't realized that what she thinks is the "real world", isn't. She lives by our rules whether she likes it or not and if she doesn't like it she can go. She's done it once and it wasn't all peaches and cream.

With that said, I also totally agree with Catkramer and what her parents did with her and her brother. I have two teen girls and although they are good kids, they are a bit "lazy". They know right from wrong, but expect things to be done for them. I know I've done a good job in stressing the really important "right and wrong" things, but I've let other areas slack. Now, I realize I have to buckle down hard on my almost 5 yo DD.

Peanut, you are doing the right thing. My DD's aren't quite to that level of disrespect, but last fall my 18 yo DD thought she should have more "rights and privlileges" b/c she was an "adult". SHe got a bit nasty about it and I told her if she didn't like it to leave. She moved in with her boyfriend's family and that lasted a few weeks before she realized it wasn't going how she thought it would. We knew this would happen. So, in effect, she lost out by moving out. When she came home we set down more strict rules and even though she doesn't like it, she lives by it. Now that she's graduating, I'm starting to hear the old, "I'm an adult" thing again and she talks about how she shouldn't have a curfew, etc. Fine...then she can leave. This is our view and she knows that.

You're not only doing the right thing, you're doing the right thing by your son. He needs a rude awakening and you can be the one to help him grow up. It may hurt, but the pain WILL bring good. For both of you.